Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i have my issues. my struggles. my regrets. my anger. my disappointments. my confusion. however, i have my life. a great life. and i am happy. i am blessed. beyond what i could ever be able to explain to you.
i hope for you to be as happy and as blessed as i am, and have been. that is my own birthday wish for you.
it's hard to realize how blessed you are when you are in the thick of things. and that's alright. but try to know it. be still sometimes, and just know it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
be well :)
Sunday, December 23, 2007
i love her. we speak the same language. we talk about EVERYTHING. no really. everything. things that would make some of the most brash, self assured, well adjusted and comfortable people blush. everyone should have a friend that you can share everything with. literally. it's so liberating, at least for me it is.
be well :)
Monday, December 17, 2007
i've had a busy last two weeks though too. lot's of my regular once or twice monthly doctor's appointments - i have a pulmonologist, cardiologist, oncologist, rheumatologist, neurologist. and my regular tests - labs, pulmonary function tests, ekg, eeg, mri's, brain scans - all monthly. plus all my alternative medical treatments - accupuncture, accupressure, massage. and i've been doing some work from home for my father's office, and the stress that goes along with that as well.
all of that contributes to how i'm feeling. you see, because of my diseases, and how they are attacking my immune system, i have the pleasure/curse of being affected almost immediately and directly by stress, both good and bad. or like when i do too much, which to many is not much at all.... running the vaccum, sweeping, making the bed, giving ladybug a bath, cooking. i get so tired so easily, quickly.
so what happens? well, when i'm tired or i've done too much i tremor (shake), it's harder for me to walk, my speech get's worse and it's even harder for me to process and comprehend basic things.
and then there are the seizures. yes, i'm still having them. partly my fault in that i refuse to take the full dose of my siezure meds because of the serious life altering side affects. too life altering and in the worst way. i have a newly minted 6 year old. i am still working a little bit. i can not be layed out partially unconscious for 22 hours of the day just so i won't have a seizure. well, it takes about an hour for me to shake off after i have one, and i am beyond exhausted and sleepy, and all that happens like i said before when i get tired, along with losing function on the right side of my body, and my speech gets uninterpretable - it's very much like a stroke. i have them about 2-3 times a week, which is an improvement, majorly! more if i've been doing too much or am stressed. even good stress, like watching a really great "is the guy gonna get the girl in time" movie. yeah, that sucks.
basic things can trigger an episode, flare, which is what we call it. and i never know what it will be. it's so not predictable. i could do a little light housekeeping monday, then do the exact same thing thursday under the same conditions, and i'll get so sick-pain, tremors, pain, seizures, pain. there's just no knowing. and it drives juan crazy... with worry and fear. all he wants me to do is stay at home, lay in the bed, or on the sofa, and "rest". he takes the wheelchair everywhere we go and makes me use it most of the time.
well, i know i've gone off on a ramble. not a rant. no real drama or incident. just rambling.
i baked all day yesterday, trimmed the christmas tree, took pictures, and finished up D's bday card. later last night, i was in pain. the kind of pain where i really was seeing stars. that's my dreaded bone pain. i had to take extra morphine, and even that only took the edge off. but it calmed the pains rage. i was on my feet too long, moving too much, thinking too much. my body can't take all that ...... just yet.
got no sleep, was in pain all night. more intense than usual. i am so tired. i stay tired. ladybug got in the bed with us about 4:3o am coughing - she came home the other day with a fever. juan gave her some honey and it eased her cough. she settled down and i was wide awake. so i listened to the music, the sweet music of my two beloveds breathing while they slept. i was happy. i am happy.
when i woke up this morning, i could not walk. jaun had to take me to the bathroom, help me brush my teeth and wash my face, and laid me back in the bed to get my atrophied muscles "warmed up". ladybug came in to help while juan went donwstairs to cook his wonderful sunday morning pancake breakfast. i watch ladybug quietly, listening to her talk about santa, and the tree, and all the lights. the rythm and music of her voice i love so much. i'm in heaven. and i am so happy. i feel much, much better now.
be well :)
Monday, December 10, 2007
it's a whole community of wonderful artsy crafty people who inspire, helpo, and motivate each other. a place where one can indulge their entire and complete scrapbooking, cardmaking fantasties, no matter how dark and twisted they may be.
i've got it bad. i stay logged on all day. i browse the other members gallery's, which is where they post all their work; i read their scrap related blogs; i look at scrapping products; i check out and post on the many many forums. that's why i haven't posted here all week, and why i only just started my holiday baking TODAY. i'm so behind! i'm addicted.
"hi, my name is angela, and i am a http://www.scrapbook.com/ (sb.com) addict".
there. done. now i can go back to browsing sb.com until i can't keep my eyes open anymore and my fingers hurt.
be well :)
Saturday, December 8, 2007
it's christmas/holiday time!!! it's in the air! i love everything about it! (well, except the shopping. yeah, yeah, i know!). the decorations, the tree's and the way they smell, the baking, the music, the food. the fact that everyone gets nice, friendly, and thoughtful, at least during this time of the year. i really can't explain how it makes me feel.
it's also my birthday. december 25th. it's the day i was born. and i LOVE that too!
yet it never fails that when someone realizes that it's my birthday, they always say "ahh too bad" or "that sucks" or "don't you get jiped?" why is that?
no. i don't get jiped. it's not too bad. it doesn't suck. it's just that i've never, ever had a birthday party. yep. that's right. oh, i've had 2 get togethers when i was young. the first was when i was about 4 or 5 at the local round table pizza at rockridge shopping center. the other was at our house when we lived up off the top of high street, not from up from st. lawrence o'toole. i was 11. they were after thought's really. not planned. it was the holidays and everyone was already together, so..... well, you know. oh i had a cake and all, but it really wasn't about me. for me. because of me.
so, next year, i'm going to throw myself my very own birthday party. it'll be my 13th, my sweet 16th, my 18th, my 21st, my 30th, and my 40th birthday parties all in one. theese are all the milestone birthdays that i've always thought were important to celebrate. so i am. next year.
so back to the whole christmas spirit i've got going. i can't wait to get the tree, pull out all the decorations from the garage, go to micheals and get new decorations, make cookies for santa with ladybug, take pictures, cook, give gifts. see lauren's face when she realizes santa did come, and open all her gifts.
yeah, i'm in the spirit. i've got it. and i've got it bad. no, good. and i'm happy because it feels so good. i hope you get it too.
be well :)
Friday, December 7, 2007
so i'll be working on my blog, changing things and what not, to make it fit for a princess!
please let me know what you think, like, don't like, as i update and make changes.
be well :)
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
ok ladies, you are still doing too damn much!! why? you do know that you are killing yourselves, right ladies?! really. so you have an excuse now - i know it's the holiday's and all that that means - cooking, shopping, holiday parties, holiday baking, church functions, work functions, kids and school functions...... no. the holidays are not an excuse. so where's the time for yourself? yeah, right. "but it's the holiday's and i'll slow down and take care of me when it's over." or "that will be one of my new year's resolutions". umhm. ok.
ladies, we are loving everyone else to death. we are caring for everyone else to death. we are giving to everyone else to death. we are nurturing everyone else to death. you must stop it. and i know that it's easier said than done. we've all been programmed/trained to be this way. we are women, and it's supposed to be "what we do". that's fine, but it doesn't have to completely consume us.
again, i'm not as good with words as i use to be, but, please hear me.
you see, it's all about feeling obligatated. and all the guilt that goes along with it. stop and think for a moment where it comes from. yeah, it's deep, and i won't go there right now, i've got enough on my plate with this post.
so like i was saying... obligation and guilt. for how manh of you, how much does obligation and guilt drive so much of what you do? think about it. how many of you are passing that on to your daughters?
how many of you are taking time, making time for yourself? just like you would find the time to squeeze in some inane task that you really don't have to do, but feel you have to. you somehow find a way. right? well, are YOU just as important, or more, as that inane "to do"? YES!!
so look, like i said in the previous post in october. you can not continue to treat yourself the way you are. you can not. take care of yourself. make the time.
there's so much more i want to say on this topic. that i have to say. but i'm just soo tired, too tired, and not feeling well right now. so, as much as i want to keep typing. i'm off. off to take care of myself, so i can be there, in the ways that matter, for everyone else....
be well :)
Monday, December 3, 2007
i guess i'm just frustrated and tired with my health situation. everyone is still saying the same 'ole thing. i feel as though they aren't really hearing me. don't get me wrong, i've got the "best" doctors in their respective specialties.
but what's got my panties in a knott right now is that i went to one of my doctor appointments, and she charges up front for service - doesn't take insurance - and all she did was call my neuro, who just to switch me to different siezure drug, "let's see what that will do for you, huh?" big woop. "that'll be $75 please". WHUH?!?! i was there all of 8 minutes, and that was after sitting in the waiting area 25 minutes for my 10am appointment.
UUUHHHHGGGG!!!!!!!no resolution, no answers. just more of "well, lets try this". ok, ok. i get it. really i do. i get that i've got this rare funky thing going on (i still don't want to say that 'word'), and that doctors are trained to just treat the symptoms. but DAMN.
i'm just so frustrated, and even more so, tired of this not so merry medical go 'round, and around. but hey, this is today. tomorrow is tomorrow. *insert big smile*
be well :)