Monday, April 28, 2008

this is a good week

two women whom have become very important and special to me are celebrating their birthdays this week. i am so happy for them, but secretly, selfishly, just a little bummed for me. why? because i can't see them, celebrate with them. well, in the way that i want to. yep, selfish.

it's just that i love them. i want to look into their eyes, touch them, their face, hug them. sit in their presence and let them know, in their presence, just how much they mean to me. how, in such a short time, they've touched me, bleseed my life really. i want them to know how much they've made me think, see things in different and better ways, laugh. ohh the laughter they've given me.

most importantly, they've given me some of themselves. and i feel that it's because they care and love me. ahhh, here come the tears.

so you see, i want to at least try to give back to them at least a little bit of what they've given me.

tomorrow is glo's birthday, and friday is babz day. i love you two!!

be well :)

Saturday, April 26, 2008

health related this and that...

has it been a week since i've posted last? and what a week it's been. the back and the forth. all the follow up tests, in addition to my regular stuff (accupuncture, physical, occupational, speach therapy, plus an emergency dental appointment thrown in the mix). i always say i'm tired, or exhausted. but i really am. all i've been able to do when i'd get home was/is crawl up in the corner of my big comfy blue sofa with my heating pad and just close my eyes. the phone rang. the cell vibrated. ups/fedex knocked. the laptop just stared.

after my quarterly medical workup, i had to have a bunch of follow up tests like i said, and am still not finished - one more mri and a cat scan for good measure. during the workup, they've found some "unusual activity" in a few of my bones. hmmm, a few new lesions on the brain. a bit more scaring in the lungs. bottom line.... more chemotherapy. probably starting next week.

but no time for all that shit. the sun is out and it is just a glorious day!! really. blue water, the kind of northern california day that only us natives understand and know how to appreciate. na, na, na!!

my dad is on his way to pick up my ladybug and spend the day out on the bay... a ferry ride to the city. that means some quality time with hubby (ie... good lovin!) ha, ha, ha!! i'm going to go enjoy this magnificent day!

be well!

Friday, April 18, 2008

giving thanks

lord, i thank you for this day.
i thank you for your blessings, your grace, and your mercy.
i thank you for keeping all those that i love and care about safe.
and i ask that you keep them safe through the day and night,
then wake us all in the morning - happy, healthy, safe, and of sound mind, body and spirit,
so that we may continue to share your blessings.

i am so very happy with and in my life. thank you lord.

be well

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

really ???!!!

ok people. as of today, gas in san francisco, ca is $4.35/gallon. yep. bend over......

be well :)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

run baby run!!

my baby is a track star!! she ran before she could walk. there she is in the pink and green ....

1. she's lining up about to run the 100. 2. then she's que'd up for the long jump. 3. and that's her pumping away in the 50!!

she came in 3rd in everything, and she was running with the 'big girls' (7 and 8 year olds)!!!

beyond proud. joy, pure joy!!

be well :)

Monday, April 14, 2008

princess inky fingers... and yes, i'm just fine!

well, i've been so busy making cards and scrapbooking, and getting good at it too, that i'm starting to think that it may be time to start a blog dedicated to my cardmaking and scrapping. i don't know. maybe not. maybe i'll just keep doing what i'm doing by posting my stuff, along with what i cook (which i haven't done in a while), here on this blog.

but i came up with a great name though.... PRINCESS INKIE FINGERS huh? huh? you like, don't you?!? i know. i like it too. i'll think about it. anyway, here's some of what i've been up to. i've got to get busy too because my cousin has me doing her baby shower invitations, and i'm doing a friends wedding announcements.... that's MAJOR because not only is she paying me, but she's paying me a little more than what she'd agreed to pay her 'stationer' (and, not to be krass but, it's alot) because they're individually handcrafted. hmmm.... that got me to thinking. maybe i'll start trying to actually 'sell' my stuff! even my mom ordered a dozen note cards. i guess i should get one of those "hand made by..." stamps.
be well :)
p.s..... also, about my last post. ok, already. i am ok. i really just needed to vent. that's all. really. and i thank all of you for 'calling me on my bullshit whining'. i love you.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

still trying not to give a damn...

had the 'pow-wow- with my cadre of doctors (pulmonologist, rheumatologist, oncologist, cardiologist, neurologist, and my internist) yesterday and i am still trying to hold on to my happiness. hell. i will hold on to my happiness. there.

now, like i was saying. i mentioned in my previous post that i had to go through my round of quarterly medical workups and that i wouldn't give a damn what the results were. well. i still don't give a damn. but i do. but i don't. really.

they think i need an "intermiediate course" of chemotherapy. now look damnit!! i just celebrated getting through 6 chemo free months!! the longest i've ever gone since this kind of twisted, purgatory-ish hell invaded my beautiful life 3 years ago.

i thanked them for sharing, and that i would marinate on it and get back to them. i just don't want to do it anymore. there. i said it. i don't. it's just awful. really. depending on your dose, it's everything you think it might be. and i don't want to go back there again.

but i want to live. so i will do it. between you and me, i'm not that strong though. i wish i were that kind of person you read about or see in the movies who handles their situation with such grace and dignity. everyone who's ever known me would say that i am that person and that i amaze them. but i'm not that person.

i am so tired of not being able to walk my dog or walk around the block with my ladybug as she rides her bike ahead of me. of not being able to sit in the sun and feel it on my body, nurishing me. of my cane. my wheelchair. not always remembering things and knowing that it's not because i'm 4oish, but that i've got this damn thing has now invaded my brain. i'm tired of not being able to drive, or play with my ladybug, or complete a load of laundry, or walk up and down the stairs, havign to wake dear hubby up in the middle of the night to help me get to the bathroom because my muscles atrophy during the night, or to just get a big hug my ladybug (or anyone else for that matter) without the pain. oh i hate the pain.

so no, i am not that person. i'm scared. frustrated. so angry i could spit fire. confused. hurt. and greatful. because i am so very blessed in this situation. it all has blessed me and my life and i hold on to that because, eventhough the dumb dumb doc's had given me a time limit, like i'm a pack of yogurt, it could be so much worse. yet it's not. i'm still here. still scared. frustrated. so angry i could spit fire. confused. hurt. and... greatful. yes. and thankful.

i'm still here. i will do chemo. again. if i have to. and i will be thankful. i am greatful.

be well :)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

my life is so good!

i love my life!! it's a wonderful thing. my life. the sun is shinning, the bills are paid (this month, lol!!), just had a magnificant round of good loving with dearest hubby (yes, i LOVE sex, but that's another post...), my house is clean. life is good!

however, right now i am feeling overwhelmed. i've been traveling a little bit, running behind ladybug and hubby, working, or doing work for other people really. i'm behind with a few work assignments because i've been busy helping other people. i'm feeling un-connected to my sister-touchstones and am in dire need of reaching out. i'm behind on my blogging. and, lastley, i wrapped up my quarterly battery of medical tests this week that i just hate, but love at the same time.

MRI. PET. CT. labs. port flush. platelets. t-cells. b-cells. lymphocites. hemocrit. white cells. red cells. ana antibodies. cerebrospinal fluid. nerupsychiatric activity. whew. i'm pooped!

yes. i am tired. but i love my life!! what if these all these tests didn't exist? or i didn't have access to them? god put the idea into a man's head (well, it's quite practical, so it was probably a woman) to come up with the "port-a-cath". it's a wonderful little device, or appliance as it's called, that's implanted in my chest so that i can have chemotherapy, and get my labs drawn without any discomfort. the crazy thing is is that i can taste the medications and saline that's delivered through it! how wild is that?! god and the human body is just amazing!!

so like i was saying... i am feeling very blessed. in every way. very. god and prayer has kept me. us. as a family. we are so very strong. it feels so very good. i don't give a damn what those tests say. yes. my life. it is wonderful. it is.

be well :)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

it's still on my plate...

the 'inappropriate touching' situation that happened regarding ladybug is still going on. but, i think, i hope, that a resolution is in sight.

here it is almost 5 weeks ago (come this friday) since juan and i told the principal that we wanted a meeting with her, the school priest, and the parents of the other child. well, if you've heard from her, then we've heard from her. yep. that's right. she hasn't gotten back to us. at all. nor has she mentioned it to us.

so, i've written a letter outlining just the facts of the situation, and the issues we have with how it all has been handled. or not, really. i kept strictly to the facts, nothing subjective really. i will be hand delivering it to the school district superintendant, school priest, and lastly, the principal tomorrow.

i am so ready for this to be resolved. i'm realizing now how much this has taken out of me. which amazes me because, to me, i'm just handling 'my business'. but to my body it's much more serious. and not in a good way. overall i am doing so much better than i had been, thank god! yet, i still have issues. big issues. like... i forget that i don't remember. you know? well, i hope you don't. but do you get what i'm saying? i am not always aware of what's going on with my body, how things effect it, me, until i've got an i.v. plugged into the port-a-catheter that's in my chest. it's something that i'm working on. along with some other things.

well, i've got to get ladybug out of the tub now....

be well :)