Tuesday, October 28, 2008

what's in a name...

hey there!

i do hope you all are well? sorry for just now checking in, again. i know, i know. just life! i'm rehaning hard, i want'to get to turning cartwheels soon ya know!

so anyway, i was on one of my crafting blogs and found this neat "what your name really means" link, and thought i'd give it a try. so, here are the results....


What Angela Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

the crazy thing is that almost all of this is quite true. everyone who know's me will say these things about me. well, except the paranoia, jealousy, flaky and irresponsible stuff. everyone will deny that about me. but... i do have a secret to confess! i can be a bit flaky. but only if and when i feel that my 'me' time is not being repsected, or you are my mother (or some other few family members). yeah, i know... shocking!

be well :)

ps... won't take so long next time, got LOTS of pics to post. stay tuned.....!

Saturday, October 18, 2008


OMG!! i can't stand it!! my brother is here from atlanta to visit me!

he snuck into town this morning to surprise me, and oh he did! he and juan got over on me! i could just burst.....really!

i don't talk much about him, but my god do i LOVE him and we are super close. he's really my cousin. second cousin on my moms side. and we were practically raised together til we were about 10 or 11. he's a year younger than me, and looks just as fab. he is incredibly stylish, with impeccable taste, and LOVES food just as much as i do. so much so that he has his degree from culinary school.

we are so very close, like soulmates, and talk about everything. i mean EVERYTHING. our favorite subjects are sex and food! there are very few people that i connect with, and eventhough he is my cousin, we would have still been in each other's lives.

and ladybug loves him. i mean LOVES him. from the moment she was born. oh yeah, he was there, i mean there, when she came into the world. and as soon as she laid eyes on my brother, she was hooked. and so was he. big time.

i hate that he's in atlanta, but.... i talk to him almost everyday, and there are so few people, even those i'm super close with, that i do that with. he usually comes out on average every 4 months or so, but it's been two years almost to the month since his last visit. seeing him brings home just how much i miss him.

i have him til this thursday, and ooooooh, we are going to have so much fun! we always do!

be well :)

Friday, October 17, 2008

more ranting...


had a few doctor's appointments this week. the one we were most concerned with was yesterday, with the surgeon. and i am still not sure how i'm feeling about it all.

he was able to patch up the bone marrow fissures in my right femure, so we'll see if that will help fix the crazy blood counts i've been having (platelets, red and white cells), or not. but we're still not clear as to why the bones are deteriorating so rapidly, which is why i had to have the right hip replaced too. we assumed, rightfullly so, that it was due to all the chemo and steroids that i take.

so, yesterday was the follow up. exactly 5 weeks. i think i mentioned before about the fact that the leg they worked on is now an inch longer than it was before. and i was concerned in the hospital and the surgeon just would'nt hear anything about it. "your swollen" he said. "just waint 4-6 weeks" he said. but now i'm just mad. and sad. why? well, an inch may not sound like alot, but it's huge! it's like walking around all day (permanently) with one high heel shoe on. plus, i walk much worse than i did before the surgery. ok, yeah, i had to walk with a cane, and used a wheelchair from time to time. but now i have to use a walker. the wheelchair is a necessity. i can't even use my cane. my beautiful purple cane.

it's much, much harder for me to walk now. i should have known that something would happen. look at all the crap that happened while in the hospital! hell, i kept postponing the surgery!

so, the surgeon left it by writting me a perscription for a shoe lift for my good side, and a leg brace for my right (bad) side due to something called 'foot drop'. which is now much worse than before...??

that totally pissed me off. ok... i get that i need time to heal, and that it takes me a while to heal because of all the immune suppressing medications. i get that there's really not much that he can do to fix this new issue. but damnit!! at least acknowlege the fact that there's a problem!! sorry goes a long way with me.

yes, i'm leaving out a ton of stuff (geez i wanna cuss so badly!!) that was said and happened at the doctors appointment that would help put a fine point on my frustration, but, i'm afraid that i'm always too long winded. so, in an effort to cut to the chase... just know that there was a bit of rediculousness that occured, that served to make me even more pissed off.

so, if i am to leave it up to this surgeon, i am now walker and wheelchair bound with significant leg length difference and incredible level of discomfort from muscle pulling due to the additional inch, along with foot drop that requires an ugly foot brace. there.

i'm pissed now. and i've given myself until 6pm tomorrow to get over it and start figuring out what the hell i'm gonna do about it.

be well :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


YIKES!! i've been so caught up in my own stuff that i totally forgot to post this!!


if you don't already know. please, please, please remember those we've lost, and support those (including friends and family) in the struggle.

AND...... get yourself, or those you love, tested. GET A MAMAGRAM.

for more info, please go to:


be well, be strong!

hospital pics

hey all,

here are some pics from when i was in the hospital. juan spent almost every night with me (see his bed behind the chair?), and ladybug spent the weekends, fridays and saturdays. believe it or not, she loves it when i have to have chemo, or be in the hospital! she loves all the blood, needles, and medical paraphanalia like the gloves, masks, etc. plus the nurse make such a big fuss over her too. in the SNiF, which is different from where i normally am whenever i have to be hospitalized (oncology), they do alot of rehabing along with both acute/non acute medical care. so she would come after school and help me with my therapies, cheer me on.

we try hard to make it as normal, and routine as possible whenever i'm hospitalized. so she comes after school, does homework, we eat dinner, my dad many times gets dinner for me or all of us. and yeah, that dish there tasted as bad as it looked. then we hang out for a while, then juan takes her to my mom or dad, or they'll come get her, then juan stays the night. that's the routine when i'm locked up.

but i'm free now!!

be well :)

Sunday, October 5, 2008


my beloved, beloved malik is gone. my friend. my companion. a gentle giant he was. so giving. and he gave til the very end. i asked him, begged him, to wait for me. and he did.

oh my malik.

13 wonderful, fantastic, fun, precious years. every one of them, truly were precious. huge he was. 190 punds of gentleness. even his personality and spirit was big. everyone loved him. were wowed by him. where ever we went people stared, questioned, and enjoyed him, for he truly was different and special. i wan to say all dogs are, as i'm sure, but..... oh my malik.

i'm hurting.

i have so many 'malik' stories. a few of them incredible. like when juan and i first got married. we bought our house just as we got married, we had not one stick of fruniture when we got back from our honeymoon. we had all the utility people scheduled to come in one day, about 5 of them, including the cable guy, he we last. well, when the cable guy came, malik went ballistic as soon as the guy rang the door bell. and wouldn't stop until i came outside with him. the cable gy kept asking me to come upstairs with him, insistant, urgent. but i was more concerned with why my extremely low key, never make a fuss, rarely barking, non dog like dog, was making such an uncharacteristic fuss. malik refused to let me close to the door, standing between me and it, while watching the balcony. when the guy came back down, malik pushed me back. the guy finally left, and malik calmed down as soon as he cleared the house. the moment the guy got in his truck (i could see he truck from my backyard where i was), i got a call from the cable company telling me that 'their' guy was stuck in traffic and would not make it. the police said that he had struck several times, robbing and assaulting their victims. this is not the first time malik has saved me.

the tears. i thought i had no more.

my friend. he kept me sane these last few years in dealing with my health. just me and him. he knew me. like in my head knew me. i've give a thought to this or that, usually a stubborn one - should i take my meds because i'm tired of popping pills; oh yeah, i can do the stairs one more time; sure, i can jump in the T5 and run to the store, real quick... no one will know. just a look from him as he lays on the floor, or a huff, a funky vocal thing as he did - yes, he's one of those dogs that thought they could talk. and he always let you know what was really going on! especially if his food is not right. oh god that damn dog. i often wondered how that could be. he's just a dog. no, he really wasn't. not to me.

he really was juans dog. i flew all the way out to georgia, then had to drive about 3 hours outside of atlanta to get the the breeder. juan had arranged everything, but it was up to me to pick the dog. we weren't married yet, but already had two dogs - juan already had a siberian husky-hawke, and i had a chocolate cocker - hershey. juan had always wanted a malamute actually, but had settled for a husky initially. he had already had hawke for several years. anyway, i got to the breeder and just didn't expect the puppies to be so big. they were huge! malik was the runt, and i picked him because he was the only puppie that would fit in hershey's carrier...barely! but also, he was the only one that wasn't puppie-like. he was in a corner, clearly not wanting to be bothered. truly in his own world, and really couldn't give a damn about showing off. well, that was malik. full of attitude. but in a very good way. i have so many malik stories, i'm bursting.

yes, he started out as juan's dog. but quickly became mine. mine. my dog. actually, he, juan, and hawke asked me to marry them. the 3 of them got down on one knee. again with the stories.

he was ready to go though. he was sick too. in february we found out that he had cancer as well, yet there was lots of hope. we could do surgery, and that for sure would give him at leat a few more years. i had a forboding with the surgery for some reason, and decided to just take it a month at a time. he still had such pep and vigor... just like a teenager as my mommy dearest always said about him. and he kept it til just recently. the bond we have, i felt, knew, he would tell me when it was time. and he did. eventhough i knew, i still wasn't ready. to let him go....

yesterday morning juan came upstairs and said call the vet. he could walk. i heart fell. some in juans voice. reminded me of hawke. no. i called. juan knew to give me little details as i spoke. for i was upstairs, they were down. he got him to the garage from the inside teh house (it rained thenight before). got the appointment for later that afternoon. the vet said that it may just be time for the surgery. that's all.

no, i didn't feel right. actually, all morning, and the before night. i couldn't take it not seeing him. i had to lay my eyes on him. i can't walk either, yet i somehow raced down the stairs, got to my walker, and somehow out to the garage. he heard the clanging of my damn walker and he didn't even get up for me. he always got up for me. ALWAYS. and he couldn't. no. on a towel next to him i layed. i began to ask him if it was time. the moment he looked up at me, i saw his eyes...and i knew. yes. it was time.

more, more tears. still.

the wave of pain hit and i lost it. i held him hard. he knudge me and huffed. he always knew when i was in pain. oh the pain. i held him. stroked him. talked to him. i told him that it's ok. i'm really ok. he had waited for me long enough. he could go.

i called everyone that i knew would want to say good bye. my beloved shannon came so quick and in a hurry, that my heart lept. i burst truly as soon as i saw her rush to me. she loves malik like her own. knows malik almost as i. she was the only one i truly trusted to take care of him when we traveled. he loved her too. really. i would get jealous (kidding) sometimes because he'd get so happy whenever she came by. she'd give me a hug,of course, but would immediately go to see her big guy. whenever she got a new dog, she'd bring them over so he'd break them in, so to speak. malik was never agitated by any other dog. amazing really. do not under estimate him though. he'd still act a fool, an ugly one too, but only when necessary. amazing.

shannon carressed him, wiped his eyes, talked to him. loved him. loved him with me. cried with me. let me fall apart. let me confess selfishly that i'm not ready for this. that i can't do this. i could'nt for a while. she talked to the vets for me. explained things. came up with a few great ideas. she actually had somewhere else to be. she's amazing, and i'm beyond blessed by her.

she left, and i was alone with my guy. i held him, tight. cried more, he nudged me more. i talked to him more. and was just quite with him. i pulled hair off of him. my goodness his hair!! it will be with us for forever!

my mom came, and i cried some more. she was surprisingly great. only a few annoying and akward moments. juan texted to say he was on his way back, so i had to change clothes. she stayed with him while i went, and tried to get up, to follow me. but he yelped in pain as he struggled to be with me. and he kept trying, damn stubborn dog. i had to command him "malik, no". "down!". "stay!". oh my heart was breaking. to the last, he loves me.

juan and ladybug came back from the school oktoberfest and i changed clothes to head to the vet. mom stayed with us the whole time. mainly to keep ladybug distracted. mom helped juan get malik in the car. he LOVED being in the car (more stories there, i mean really funny stories!), and my only regret is that his last ride wasn't in the T5. he loved it. the vibration of it's engine and only wanted to layon the floorboard to feel it. he didn't care to stick his head out the window. that's how much he loved it.

i lost it again when juan and the vet tech broght my guy in on a stretcher. i'm ritght behind them with my damn walker. on the exam table he is, and i'm right there. the vet comes. i'm holding hin. stroking him. telling him it's ok. he's ready. how much i love him. thanking him for all he's done for me. for me. his love for me. i talked him over. felt him as he went. he went. he went loved. oh so very loved.

my heart is completly broken and i am devestated. as glo said, "oh, the price of love".

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the endAnd hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.I know in time you will agreeIt is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be youWho has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

god bless you malik. thank you for loving me. i love you.

Friday, October 3, 2008

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! please help us celebrate!

hey y'all!

i've got so much to tell you, and i've already got 2 or 3 post drafts going, but it will have to wait a little longer because.....

today is my 10th wedding anniversery.

and it feels good really. 10 years married. 16 years in total, but do i count that? i never know. i always say "we've been married for such and such years, but together for such and such".

i think it should be counted. because that time can also speak to the commitment you've made to each other. for juan and i, after the first year and a half or so, there was just an unspoken understanding that i think our spirits had, that we'd be together. although i had no intentions of getting, being married, i knew that we would be together. we were together for 6 years before we got married, and and with all tat said, there was 'stuff' then that we had to work through. but we got through it. just as there's stuff now we have to work through in our marriage. and we get through it. the only difference is that we get through it but better.

juan and i have most definately had our share of ups and downs, especially in these last few years. we love harder. stronger. and have lots of fun. because of my health we have found a way to be better with each other. to each other. also, i am particularly happy on this anniversary because for the last 3 i've been critically ill. i thank god for blessings, big and small.

yeah, as evidenced by my many many posts here, i often want to take my cane and wrap it around his neck. or pack him up and ship him off to his mommy. almost weekly i look at him in awe and wonder to myself "what the hell were you thinking, or not....??!?!?!" but at the same time, i am totally amazed by him, and thankful for him. he takes such good care of me and our ladybug. he loves us. really. he is a true manchild, having no example, role model, and i am in awe with his stuggle to figure out what is, and how to be a man, husband, father, loving, tender, caring. to get it right. some days it's easier than on others. and he's not always consistant. and i am no walk in the park myself. i know he looks at me and wonders "what in the hell have i gotten myself into with this woman...?". yet he shows up each and everytime. he shows up.

and now, 10 years, no, 16 years later. we are still here. and happy. i wish this for all of you who wish this for yourselves.

**will you all help me celebrate? can you post peoms about love, and what it can do. how it heals, restores, saves, creates, and.... well, you know where i'm going with this**

be well :)

ps... come back because i have lots of pics to post and blogger is having issues right now...