Wednesday, March 28, 2012

hiding no longer...

well hello there

i have been hiding from my blog. 

at first i didn't realize it, but then i became aware that that's what i was doing. and why would i ever hide from my blog, of all things, you ask? well, because this is where, if no where else, i insist on being myself AND telling the truth. that's not to say i don't tell the truth or am not myself everywhere else in my life. oh no. any and everyone who knows me, knows that truth and being oneself is so very important to me. so no, i'm not one of those chicks who wouldn't know the truth if it knocked her in the head then tripped over it. 

but i have been hiding from 'me' lately, because i just didn't want to deal with the truth - my truth. which is that i am sick. no, i'm not just now realizing that i'm sick, but i see that i am still struggling to get my head around the fact i have limitations because of my health (and i don't like limitations!). but also hiding from the truth of what, to me, i was turning into - someone who was so busy lying about and covering up how i was really feeling (in terms of my health - not disclosing symptoms, pain, side effects, etc.), that i began to loose my sense of self and how i really felt about everything else. i think i didn't want to deal with things in general because i didn't want to deal with things related to my health. i just wanted to curl up on my comfy blue sofa and stare off into space while the foodnetwork played in the background (still do!). and whenever i would or do just that... avoiding things i feel i should be doing, or avoiding things that needed my attention, like - working on the foundation i started for the one (of many) disease i have that gets little to no attention (The Butterfly Project for Lupus); i'm in the process of re-launching my life coaching practice (Coach Angela), which i'm thankful is doing well, but i'm being 'called' to take it to another level; i run a thriving financial and small business management consulting firm with my father (i'm the CEO, he's the CFO) - i feel tremendous guilt. i hate using my health as an excuse or reason for not getting done what i feel i should have been able to. i know, don't say it....i'm working on that. 

anyway, i feel like i'm all over the place. but the bottom line is that i have not been truthful with myself nor those around me on so many levels, which is part of why i'm feeling 'stuck', and have avoided my blog because i promised myself that i would only tell the truth here. and i'm tired of feeling, being stuck. 

so no more hiding. no more lies.

be well :)