Thursday, April 25, 2013

guilt? sure. but not for this.

for the fist time ever, i used my health as an excuse, and i feel badly about it. guilty. i didn't actually lie about my health - "i can't make it because i have a doctor appt"; "i'm just not feeling well" - no, i just let this someone believe my absence was due to my health. because this someone has a vested interest in my health, me not doing well in particular, the deception wasn't too hard actually. i know that seems morbid.

so why did i do it? i just didn't want to deal with this someone. a key someone. a someone i have to deal with on a regular basis for both personal and professional things. yes, there's history here. this someone has always been a pill, but is now extremely difficult to interact with and in the most basic of ways.  getting a simple question answered without it becoming a one way fussing session about absolutely nothing, or a half-assed attempt at gaslighting, and/or then ending with me getting thrown under the bus.

at times this someone seems to be downright hostile towards me and i'm honestly at a loss for why. i've stopped wondering, hell, i've stopped caring really because i don't put up with bullshit from this or any of the other particular someones. especially ridiculous, no rhyme or reason, manipulative, "what the hell are you talking about?!" bullshit. life is truly just too short.

yes, i used my health as an excuse. no, i've actually never done it before, for any reason. honestly. it's a kind of taboo for me. like the third rail of the chronic/critical/terminal illness rule book. so yes, i did use my health as an excuse. and i do feel a bit guilty for doing it. but not for why i did it.

be well ♥

Monday, April 1, 2013

Resurrection and Rebirth

happy belated easter to you all, i pray that it was a day filled love.

easter, along with Lent, is now over. my family and i participate each year, especially being catholic. i'm blessed and fortunate to have been raised both catholic and baptist, so yes - i had bible study, choir practice and sunday school along with confession, first communion, and confirmation. so each year i get my list ready, it's usually pretty straight forward - cut back on the juices, maybe no swearing, give up junk food, plus weekly fasting. the basics.

but this year was very differently. a few days in to Lent, it just came to me to do it differently this time but didn't know what to do. all i knew was that this time, i wanted to come out on the other side of this thing truly changed. so i stopped what i was doing, chucked the regular 'Lent list', and for three days i really thought about what i could do to bring that about.

the first thing i thought of was how much my spirit had been so uneasy for a while and how i just wanted peace and balance. so i began to think of ways to get back that peace and i remembered what i had previously posted about LAYING MY BURDENS DOWN , which is all about speaking my truth all of the time.  i've always been truthful, sometimes to a fault, but until then, i hadn't done so with two key relationships in my life (my parents), and i decided in that moment that that's what i needed to do. it was what God wanted me to do. so i did.

i also decided to be very mindful of what i sad, my thoughts, my actions and reactions. i counted to 5 before i answered almost everything. i ordered my thoughts and cast out any that weren't positive or didn't do me any good in some way. i examined my feelings in the moment if i could - "why does/did that make me feel this way?" - to better understand my thinking and therefore my actions/reactions. also, i discovered that people dump their energy off on us, consciously or not, and we take it right on without even realizing it! so taking that  count seems to allow me to time to check the other persons energy with a clear mind, then i can decide how to proceed without their energy imposing on me.

"peace be still"

next, i decided to be still. just. be. still. which for me meant to disconnect from technology, no facebook, twitter, tv, and my favorite pastime of listening to talk radio. i went days with noting going but quiet, pages turning, the sound of my own breathing, the birds outside, and the wind. i found that i could actually hear myself think. i found that things came to me quicker, my thinking is clearer. i'm much more decisive. this lead me to meditation. i'd never been big on it, but several days in to my revamped Lent, i saw that Oprah and Depak Chopra were doing a 21 day meditation challenge that would actually end on easter! i took that as a sign and decided to do it.

this Lent has been nothing but revelations and confirmations for me. i truly do see much more clearly now than before. all these things along with a 2 week cleanse, fasting, and drinking nothing but water and tea, have allowed me not just to see, but know more than ever before that God is real. He is real and present in everything, all of the time.

so yes, when i woke up yesterday morning, i truly was changed. reborn and resurrected. i feel i've just scratched the surface. this has been the best Lent ever.

be well!