tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72909008487035730882024-03-13T07:04:37.762-07:00Princess TinyButt of the Ity Bity Tity Committeethis blog is about me. my truth. my
honesty & sometimes my denial. my experiences. my emotions,my highs and lows. as raw and open as i can be. just me. my health battles (whaddiya mean terminal??!!). my journey to discover my authentic self before time runs out. my evolution. the random thoughts that cross my mind, and the goings and comings of my sometimes hectic and not always interesting life! so grab a cuppa tea/java, or a glass of wine, get comfy, and vist for a while!angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.comBlogger213125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-34042536196421381142018-08-17T06:02:00.004-07:002018-08-17T06:03:52.274-07:00STRUGGLING (part 1)<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Like I said before, a
lot has been going on these last few years – health, ladybug, work, hell… LIFE!
– and to catch you up would probably take an act of God. So, I’ll just give you
the highlights and we’ll pick up from there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">LADYBUG:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j2qXzX7o-SI/W3bFehwS81I/AAAAAAAABiM/RvAbnVjToFALGOv3mmzQ6aCUNnKJJ5y5ACLcBGAs/s1600/20150109_074049.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j2qXzX7o-SI/W3bFehwS81I/AAAAAAAABiM/RvAbnVjToFALGOv3mmzQ6aCUNnKJJ5y5ACLcBGAs/s320/20150109_074049.jpg" width="180" /></a><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Well, she’s 16 now
(guess I should change that picture, huh?), and is still the sweetest, easiest
kid ever. Truly. And I THANK GOD because I am not the kind of person that could
handle all that drama that comes with teen girls. We’ve been really struggling
with her the last 2 years with her learning differences though. She was
assessed in the 8<sup>th</sup> grade and diagnosed with Central and Auditory
Processing Disorder with working memory issues. We’ve done all sorts of
cognitive behavioral and executive functioning therapies along with hiring an
educational coach til tenth grade. She’s been in an amazing private college
prep high school with an equally amazing program for high achieving kids who
learn differently. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">She’d been doing just
fine until May of last year; puberty hit and she began to crash and burn. We
worked with her over last summer, putting measures in place for her 11<sup>th</sup>
grade year and the school was great, doing everything they could to help and
support us/her. The allowed additional accommodations, assistive technology
devices (the LiveScribe smart pen), and the option to take tests orally. But…
she completely fell off the cliff. She did not pass the 11<sup>th</sup> grade. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It’s been a very
difficult time for us. She has really been floundering academically; funny
though, her spirits have been ok. After several meetings with her school
therapist, counselors, and teachers we decided to do an additional assessment in
February and found that she also has ADHD-Inattentive Type. So, after all was
said and done, it was clear that we needed to medicate her since we’d already
done all the cognitive and executive functioning strategies and tools that
basically just stopped working. It was a hard decision that we researched the
hell out of, particularly given my own medical history. Apparently, in girls
particularly, puberty can bring it on with a vengeance for those with an
already preexisting learning difference – like Ladybug. To manage the
medication I had to find a pediatric psychiatrist or a behavioral pediatrician and
was an odyssey in and of itself because there aren’t many doctors who take
teens, but I did. I interviewed her a few times before setting the appointment
for LB. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cAtREKeO2sE/W3bFaiIQukI/AAAAAAAABiI/lDl0mql5aAEfYs954KJ50e6zh3jsnpiHQCLcBGAs/s1600/20160919_165135.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cAtREKeO2sE/W3bFaiIQukI/AAAAAAAABiI/lDl0mql5aAEfYs954KJ50e6zh3jsnpiHQCLcBGAs/s200/20160919_165135.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">After a two hour
session with LB, the doc decided she was clinically depressed, and in order to
even address the ADHD, we had to deal with the depression. I didn’t fully
agree, but with my own clinical therapy background (my original training
waaaaaay back when), I understood that depression presents in many different
ways, especially in teen girls… So, I rode with it. This past April the doc
prescribed her a well-known medication for depression AND ADHD of which J and I
researched and green-lit it on an extremely tight timeline, along with weekly
therapy. After 3 months we saw <b><i>no change</i></b>. During this time I
mentioned this to the doc several times, who said we just needed to increase
the dose and let it get to therapeutic levels. Well, by the beginning of July
I’d had enough and had LB taper off. I made a list of the issues (mainly that
we didn’t think she was ‘clinically depressed’), the things we were still seeing,
and what our expectations where, then spoke with her. The doc totally blew me
off, told me I needed to “calm down and relax”, then blamed <b><i>me</i></b>
for all of LBs issues! Yep. She sure did. Then told me that nope, in fact LB
wasn’t clinically depressed after all, but that “she <b><i>should</i></b> be” because “she
has a terminally ill mother and all that goes with that”… Yep. She actually
said those words too. Also, that all LB needed was an “attitude adjustment”.
All with LB sitting right there in the room. Sigh. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">These last few months
have been beyond stressful. Seeing your child struggling, floundering, and not
knowing how to help her. That everything you’ve done and tried just isn’t
enough. Having to pull her form a school community we love, who love and
support her. I have shed some serious tears, along with LB. So… yes, I’m now
looking for another doctor and therapist because the issues have still not been
addressed. We’ve had to pull LB from school as a rising senior, and we will be
homeschooling her. Quite honestly, I feel amazing about the decision, but am
overwhelmed with all the information and options out there! But we’re all super
excited – mainly Ladybug! She’s never been a ‘classroom kid’, <b><i>NEVER</i></b>.
And she just learns differently. This way we can make school, well… learning
really, interesting, meaningful, and fun <b><i>for her</i></b>. Yes, she’s sad that she’ll be missing her
senior year and all the fun and activities that go with that, but she gets that
this is best and why.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I tell you, it’s been
a really tough year and I thought LAST YEAR was some shit!!! But at least for
this piece of it, it’s trying to come together, though I’m still trying to find
a doctor for her… I’m seeing some light in this particular tunnel.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , sans-serif;">Ang💜</span>angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-56076019916434768072018-07-08T23:50:00.000-07:002018-07-16T09:57:31.311-07:00Unfaithful <br />
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif";">Dear
Blog, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif";">I’ve
been unfaithful. I’ve been seriously involved in another social media
relationship. Yep. There. I’ve said it. Sigh… Though I love you deeply, and
have thought of you almost daily, truly missing you… this other relationship
has been giving me something I’ve not gotten with you – instant and selfish gratification.
Usually in the forms of good wishes and prayers, support, and political
statements. Overall, the other relationship is just, well… quick, easy, passive.
There isn’t a lot of deep or real work involved. It’s light. Whereas here, with you... I gotta put in some real work. This is a real commitment. Not that I'm afraid of that. No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still love you, miss you, and am here to
throw myself on your mercy and seek redemption.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif";">If
you can find a way to forgive me and be ok with this, I think we all can live
together harmoniously, almost equitably actually. But the bottom line is that I
need you. Badly. This time away has shown me that I need you. You help me
connect with my soul, you help keep me real and honest. And now, I need that
more than ever. So, if you’ll have me back…. Let’s get started. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif";">Yes,
of course a lot’s going on. It wouldn’t be my life if not, right? So much to get
caught up on, so… stay tuned! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "century gothic" , "sans-serif";">Ang💜</span></div>
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angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-51385367652849752712016-05-24T19:07:00.001-07:002016-05-24T19:19:22.787-07:00STRUGGLING<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
wife of an extremely good friend of mine, Corey - my brother really, passed
away unexpectedly the other day, and I am just shell shocked. </span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dear,
dear, sweet Allison Clark McDaniel. </span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He is
my Morehouse Brother. We’ve been through a lot together, grown together, for
almost 25 years now. And she my Spelman Sister. They were perfect for each
other. Both Class of ’91. Two young boys, the oldest barely a year younger than
Ladybug. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She had
a seizure in her sleep and just never woke up. Dear Corey found her when her
when he went to wake her.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m
heartbroken.</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Allison
began having issues, mainly seizures I believe, a couple years ago and I’m not
remembering all the details, but it seemed that they eased for a long while,
then kicked back up again a few months ago. She and I talked several times
about it over the last year. I don’t
think the doctors knew just what was going on; she and I had talked about it
several times over the last couple years… she had doctors’ appointments scheduled
to begin to find out the day she passed. </span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Strug</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">gling here. Truly. Deeply. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’d
almost gotten used to the thoughts and ideas of how it would be for Juan and
Ladybug if my diseases run their supposedly inevitable course. Of the news that
yet another Lupus/Cancer Warrior whose lost their valiant fight. To the routine
of living with the real, up close and personal threat of death…. Like background
noise. I have found a way to get on with and lost in my life – the activities
of living, managing the minutia, and all that that means, especially with a </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">very</span></i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> active 14 year old, and finding
ways to live the way I want to live in spite of.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Til the
news of dear, sweet, Allison. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am
wrestling with, really struggling with the fact that I am quite sick. The rheumatologist,
the cardiologist, the hematologist, the oncologist, the pulmonologist, and the
neurologist seem to delight in reminding me of this on a very regular basis (especially
lately). That I shouldn’t be here. That not only should I not be here, living,
but should not be functioning as I am. </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Living</span></i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
as I am. There are so many people around me who supposedly aren’t as sick as I am,
don’t have the same severity or level of disease and disease processes, aren’t
officially labeled ‘</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">terminal</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">’, and many who clearly </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">look</span></u></i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">sicker than me… yet die. As a very
logical, 1+1=2 kind of person with a deep need for things to make sense and add
up, I am unable to reconcile this. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why? People
say God has a plan for me and my life. That there’s work for me to do and
people to touch through my testimony.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Honestly?
This scares me. Between you and me, I don’t feel worthy. As much as I try to be
– staying positive when all I want to do is burn some sh*t down because of the
constant pain, my inability to do things like button/zip up my shirt, having to
pick and choose what I will do because ANYTHING I do requires an inordinate
amount of energy (that I just don’t have most of the time), struggling to
remember basic things; by being as pleasant and sweet as I possibly can be to
medical staff. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I feel
guilty actually. Especially, particularly now. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I suffer
from seizures also due to the trifecta of diseases that have descended and
attack my brain and central nervous system. They’re definitely better now, but
there were times when a good day was 6-10 seizures </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">every day</span></i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. But again, they’re better. We actually know why. We didn’t
yet with dear, sweet, Allison. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She’s gone,
I’m still here. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why? And
I just don’t how to reconcile all of this. I get that it may not actually be for
me to get. That there’s clearly something bigger at play here than what my
ridiculously inept mind is able to grasp. I
really want to say something profound and deep, but I just can’t. I am fighting
this urge, desire, need to figure it out. I feel I need to so that I can carry
on with the fight on for Allison and all those who’ve lost their battle; that I’ll
have purpose. But do I really need to understand why I’m left, why I’m still
here, in order to continue fighting, living? </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m
struggling here. I really am. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Be well family </span><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">♥</span></span></span></span></div>
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<br />angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-32076072189583867242016-05-05T13:18:00.000-07:002016-05-24T19:54:15.283-07:00MAY IS LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EbTFhY0JTkE/V0USeripy1I/AAAAAAAABfc/2v8N-Z3l1YA1oIGBWnxem_WAaRSbBnAHgCKgB/s1600/hsp%2Bgown%2Bme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Greetings Family!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EbTFhY0JTkE/V0USeripy1I/AAAAAAAABfc/2v8N-Z3l1YA1oIGBWnxem_WAaRSbBnAHgCKgB/s1600/hsp%2Bgown%2Bme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EbTFhY0JTkE/V0USeripy1I/AAAAAAAABfc/2v8N-Z3l1YA1oIGBWnxem_WAaRSbBnAHgCKgB/s320/hsp%2Bgown%2Bme.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div>
puffy face from all the medication</div>
<div>
during my last visit in Jan.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><b><i><u><sub><sup><strike><br /></strike></sup></sub></u></i></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Many of you who follow me/my blog
know that I have been surviving and living in spite of lupus, among a few other
things that may actually seem much more serious. But, had it not been for lupus,
I wouldn't have all the other diseases and issues. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">lupus is a bitch. Truly. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">(yes lowercase, this bitch
doesn’t deserve proper noun status)</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I’ve had a few good years with only
a few minor hiccups, and absolutely no chemo – actually, November 2015 would
have been 3 whole years!! But you can always count on that bitch to act up at
the most inopportune times. And she did. Just as I was ready to celebrate 3
years chemo free and claim the oh so coveted tittle ‘REMISSION’. But nope. Not
only did that bitch show up, but she decided, as usual, to put her own twist on
things. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The new hiccup - my blood
‘disorder’ is now a full blown disease of its own where I bounce back and forth
between not making enough platelets (meaning if I fall or get cut, I won’t stop
bleeding because my blood can’t clot), and creating too many platelets which
means my blood clots too much (and in all the wrong places, which can kill me).
This has happened before with my lungs. My heart. My brain and central nervous
system. My connective tissue (muscles). My bones… sigh. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Unfortunately this is an all too
well of a traveled road for me. And dear Juan. And dear Ladybug. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dhrzT-lk33M/V0URiU4EugI/AAAAAAAABfQ/xsgB03l3esY3F-a6aeonfF4CtbJQZa1vQCKgB/s1600/hosp%2Bblood%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dhrzT-lk33M/V0URiU4EugI/AAAAAAAABfQ/xsgB03l3esY3F-a6aeonfF4CtbJQZa1vQCKgB/s320/hosp%2Bblood%2B2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this is how much they're SUPPOSE to take every 2 weeks</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EbTFhY0JTkE/V0USeripy1I/AAAAAAAABfc/2v8N-Z3l1YA1oIGBWnxem_WAaRSbBnAHgCKgB/s1600/hsp%2Bgown%2Bme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">You see, lupus is a disease where
your body’s own defense mechanisms, the very things that exist to protect you,
turn on you, and see you as the enemy. Well at least your major organs and
systems that are usually essential to actually living. Breathing. Moving.
Living. I’ve had a catheter port in my chest for years, and it has finally
stopped working, thanks to that bitch lupus. Through both my blood disease and
vascular disease (my veins, arteries, vessels, and capillaries), it attacked my
beloved port and I now no longer have what’s called ‘central access’, which for
me is a critical situation. Why? It’s the only means of access, meaning it’s how
all lab work is drawn, how I received fluids and medications, including chemo
(which I was supposed to have started back in November – yeah, my docs are
quite anxious, and this time it’s not my fault.. at least directly). Without
going into too much detail at this moment, let’s just say it’s a damned if I
do/damned if I don’t scenario.</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dhrzT-lk33M/V0URiU4EugI/AAAAAAAABfQ/xsgB03l3esY3F-a6aeonfF4CtbJQZa1vQCKgB/s1600/hosp%2Bblood%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">So now it’s time, once again, to
suit up, pray hard, and head back in to battle. Man. I’m outta practice
actually. I’ve been livin’ large these last few years. I think I’ve turned into
a bit of a punk. But, like me, there are so many out there living with lupus.
And doing it WAY better than I am. So who am I to whine and complain? Right? </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For more information about this bitch, please go to the</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></b><a href="http://www.lupus.org/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Lupus Foundation of America</span></b></a><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">.</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">May is lupus Awareness Month.
Trust and believe that someone you know has lupus. </span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have lupus.</span></b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-1140615080355759802015-08-05T12:31:00.000-07:002015-08-09T20:55:11.790-07:00Lost & Found<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NWAMIZd-sVw/VcJc7_7Ov9I/AAAAAAAABcY/FnG1J7UFVkc/s1600/IMG_92271.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NWAMIZd-sVw/VcJc7_7Ov9I/AAAAAAAABcY/FnG1J7UFVkc/s320/IMG_92271.jpg" width="240" /></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At my amazing surprise birthday party over the past holidays,
I reconnected with my college friend and soul mate Marcia. We were at Spelman
together during the best (and sometimes hard) times of my life, when I was
growing into my own womanhood – well, we both were actually, and were the best
of friends; we can’t remember <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">when or how</i></b> we even became friends!
That girl knew her mind, and was unapologetically real and sassy, and made me
believe and know that cussing could be elegant and artful. She was my first real
grown up female friendship really, and we went through some (BEEEEEP) together.
She taught me that young women could be real and genuine friends and sisters to
and with each other; that we could support and love unconditionally and not
always agree yet still be as tight as a new rubber band, with no side eye’d
drama, no jealousy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yet, she seemed to always have some drama going on though –
boyfriend drama, car drama, work drama, baby drama, financial drama – but she
always kept her drama <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>hers</u></i></b>. She never allowed it
spill over into the relationship, to pull me (or anyone else that it didn’t
involve) in to the madness, or to let the relationship become all about the
drama (and coming from a background of drama, I appreciated that). She never
let it get or keep her down, and she really knew how to keep it moving, through
it all, and I can’t even begin to tell you how that affected me. She was the
first person in my life who had little to no demands of me, who could figure
stuff out for herself, that didn’t want or need or expect fixing. She taught me
to allow people to just be who they were, that you could love/care about
someone from as is, even if they were crazy… just so long as they and their
drama stayed on their side of the street; I could wave at them from my side,
lol! She embraced whatever life threw at her, and it seemed to throw more than
her share at her, but she handled it, owned her role in it, and kept it moving.
I admired that. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yvwuAwdtHqc/VcJemPlWbCI/AAAAAAAABcw/rQAxwlR215o/s1600/20150803_125609.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yvwuAwdtHqc/VcJemPlWbCI/AAAAAAAABcw/rQAxwlR215o/s320/20150803_125609.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, we also had a blast!! Some AMAZING times! OMG, She was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">THEEE</i></b>
(yes… theee) girl to know around Atlanta, and she knew every bouncer, doorman,
and bartender at every <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘it’</i></b> club in town back then. She was
carefree, full of laughter, passionate about who and what she cared about, and
truly the original ‘Ride Or Die’ chick. And we were so crazy/good together that
my big brother ‘Cedmo’ called us “Thelma and Louise”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But we very abruptly lost touch due to a horrible marriage
that isolated Marcia from all that made her <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">her</i></b>, just as those kind
of dysfunctional, manipulative, sick, and twisted relationships do. She lost
herself for a minute, but in true Marcia fashion… found herself again, and
she’s only gotten even better. But during those years of disconnect, I searched
for her relentlessly, because, you see… she was supposed to be at my wedding. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">She’s the reason Juan and I are together</b>
(a whole ‘nother post, lol!). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’d had
her reservations, but just didn’t show up (thanks to the Ex), and all of a
sudden I couldn’t reach her, couldn’t find her, I was worried. So I searched
for her. It was like she just fell of the earth. I even hired two different
private investigators, on two different occasions and one of them said “the
only thing I can tell you for certain is that she’s not dead”. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KmDyr_d8qjM/VcJhkga5OTI/AAAAAAAABdE/Q2xPM0SGAkA/s1600/20150318_191906.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KmDyr_d8qjM/VcJhkga5OTI/AAAAAAAABdE/Q2xPM0SGAkA/s320/20150318_191906.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I held on to that, thinking of and talking about her almost
daily, praying for her, her two boys (the first one she had while at Spelman
and was like my own child, I was there when both were born), telling ladybug
and anyone else who’d listen the exploits and adventures of me and “my crazy
friend Marcia”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While living my life
with the huge and unfillable void her absence created was difficult, but I managed
by thinking of what Marcia would do or how she’d handle certain situations, and
even under what and which circumstances she’d cuss someone out, lol! Oh how I missed
my friend. I’d daydream about finding her and reuniting, what it’d be like, how
we’d be as true adults with families and careers and… less drama? Lol! But I
also worried that we would be the same. I mean, of course we wouldn’t, but well….
I wondered if I had romanticized and idealized our relationship to the point of
mystical legend. An unrealistic and unattainable template for ideal female relationships.
Actually, that frightened me, assuming I’d ever see her again in the first
place. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And don’t misunderstand, I developed some absolutely amazing
and priceless relationships and sisterhoods over the years… I’m truly beyond
blessed that way, and sometimes feel undeserving. Each one of my friends I actually
call sister, are truly my sisters each with our own unique connection and deep bonds
that are irreplaceable. It could be all one sided street (my side) because I’ve
never had and always wanted sisters, but that’s just how I feel. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wrWIcWMsrvU/VcJdIDUCgfI/AAAAAAAABcg/TX_-Wdcey7w/s1600/DSC_0013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wrWIcWMsrvU/VcJdIDUCgfI/AAAAAAAABcg/TX_-Wdcey7w/s320/DSC_0013.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At surprise party trying to believe my eyes!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So fast forward to my surprise birthday party this past Christmas.
Everyone that I love and care about, with only a few truly missed exceptions,
were there. Juan did an amazing job! It was perfection! But the biggest ringer
of them all was Marcia. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>JUAN HAD
FOUND MARCIA!</u></b> I couldn’t believe I was looking at her, holding her,
speaking to her. I really thought I was gonna loose it. Honestly, it’s been
seven months, with two visits under our belts and I’m still trying to process
this. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">HE FOUND HER!</i></b> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-as7UkBHRdHU/VcJhdQFPKoI/AAAAAAAABc8/jPem_t_1o3o/s1600/20150318_191959.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-as7UkBHRdHU/VcJhdQFPKoI/AAAAAAAABc8/jPem_t_1o3o/s320/20150318_191959.jpg" width="180" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NH5PQ53Qvz0/VcJdqtYFQZI/AAAAAAAABco/7u_CmMNqtBE/s1600/DSC_0011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NH5PQ53Qvz0/VcJdqtYFQZI/AAAAAAAABco/7u_CmMNqtBE/s320/DSC_0011.JPG" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, we’ve spent the last seven months talking, crying, visiting,
laughing, dancing, catching up, and I kid you not when I say it’s as if the
almost twenty years we’ve been apart has never been. Our relationships has grown
up with us, even though we’ve been apart. Even though we are so very different,
but yet the same. I’m here with her now, my first visit to her place two time
zones and several states away, for the last eight days and I just don’t want to
go! We’ve done absolutely NOTHING all day! (she’s a middle school teacher off
for the summer) Well, we’ve laughed, made cocktails, eaten, cooked, drank,
cried, danced, watched movies and cracked each other up. That’s it! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just been too doggone hot to go anywhere,
but mainly we’ve just been deep in discovery with no interruptions (like hubby
or ladybug when she was visiting me earlier). We’ve each other all to ourselves
and it’s been amazing. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a young woman figuring out that thing called womanhood, I
found the courage to be me because of Marcia, and that the me I was back then,
and the me that I am today, is perfectly fabulous. I wish every woman young and old, could have a Marcia. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well <span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12pt;">♥</span></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wA3LDqdP2h8/VcJhp5qM0iI/AAAAAAAABdM/MVPZhGykhL4/s1600/20150318_191838.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wA3LDqdP2h8/VcJhp5qM0iI/AAAAAAAABdM/MVPZhGykhL4/s320/20150318_191838.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my 'Meme'</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-44512121357282569842015-07-19T22:45:00.000-07:002015-08-09T20:55:47.510-07:00Mommy's Off...!<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q0xL7lOxwxk/VayDZ2SXRYI/AAAAAAAABb0/kty89W0DqX0/s1600/20150701_143858.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q0xL7lOxwxk/VayDZ2SXRYI/AAAAAAAABb0/kty89W0DqX0/s320/20150701_143858.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My GOD to I love her!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Well, it's summer time and you will find no one more happy about this than me! Why you ask? because it means I get a break! No running Ladybug back and forth to school, practice, Girl Scouts, etc... <br />
<br />
It's been a tough spring, well, year really - beginning August of last year. Ladybugs eighth grade year started with a bang! I'm very active in her school community, volunteering for everything possible - Fall Festival, Haunted House, Spring Auction, field trips, tons of other miscellany in between, plus responsible for the school garden and annual farmers market. I've always been very active at school, as active as my health allowed over the years, but these last 2 years I've been pretty healthy, therefore allowing me to take advantage and throw myself into as much as I could. Plus, Ladybug loves that I'm always at school. So with this being her last middle school year, the activities leading to graduation seemed to double! <br />
<br />
Then one week after she graduated, she started a short summer program at her new high school, whish is double the distance... meaning, much longer drive for me. So I was still in the grind for a few more weeks. Until.... this last week when I packed up LB and J and I shipped her off to Atlanta to spend a WHOLE MONTH with the family!!! <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><u>***** CAN YOU SEE ME DOING THE SNOOPY HAPPY DANCE? *****</u></strong></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X621rK9ss2I/VayDYAsUN8I/AAAAAAAABbs/BBGW_rwVXvU/s1600/20150711_052951_resized.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X621rK9ss2I/VayDYAsUN8I/AAAAAAAABbs/BBGW_rwVXvU/s320/20150711_052951_resized.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All packed and ready to GO!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
LB has been besides herself with anticipation, waiting for the day for her to take off. She's grown up hearing us talk about J growing up there, my college days there, and both our adventures living there; she's always been keenly interested in our lives there. For years J and I have talked about sending her there to spend summers with the family, but we waited til she was older (probably because J didn't want to let her go - it took him forever to get her ticket, lol!!), and now that time has come! She loves her Atlanta family, which is small but there are a couple of cousins she's in the middle of age-wise, but as I've mentioned before, she's (almost) the only girl, and the boys are into football, so I'm curious to see how this'll go. And LB just loves being in Atlanta, and it's 'lack of diversity'. I know that sounds strange, but she's in environments that lacks any kind of color/diversity (her private elementary school and tennis), and she's felt this deeply, sparking countless conversations with her about race and class that have been amazing. However, she's made it plain and quite clear that she wants to be around more folk that look like her, and Atlanta's the place, LOL!!!<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7hY47yc1TbQ/VayDeb6OthI/AAAAAAAABb8/q3OdpvIaOVY/s1600/20150716_113212.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7hY47yc1TbQ/VayDeb6OthI/AAAAAAAABb8/q3OdpvIaOVY/s320/20150716_113212.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Us FaceTiming earlier today.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Another milestone for her was that this was her first flight <strong><u>ALL BY HERSLEF</u></strong>!! She <em><strong>LOVES</strong></em> to fly, and is an excellent and experienced traveler, so we felt she could handle it (yes, J survived!). She gets a whole month to be with her family and experience Atlanta, I'm so excited for her! I just hope she's able to take advantage of this and get around and see the city as much as possible. And us being us (J and I), she'll still be just a little busy ... tennis camp, her regular workouts, and required family reading - "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou and "The Autobiography of Malcom X". But don't worry family, she has plenty of down time for her favorite pastime - swimming! Remember, she's gone for <strong><em><u>32 WHOLE DAYS!!!!</u></em></strong> <br />
<br />
32 days of No Child. No schedule coordination. No fussing about chores. No talks about life lessons. Well, actually, I like that. And with all of the stuff I've been freed of, there's stuff I will miss, like hearing her sweet voice call for me when she has a question or needs help... "Mommy". Her humor. The way she greets me every morning no matter what. Her laugh. Oh yeah, I already miss her.<br />
<br />
<br />
But Juan on the other hand??? He's already having issues...LOL! But I've got some activities planned for the both of us that will hopefully keep him distracted... I'll keep you posted. <br />
<br />
Be well <span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12pt;">♥</span></o:p></span>angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-6288329633262559692015-06-28T22:13:00.002-07:002015-06-28T22:19:10.279-07:00The Disappation of Guilt<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And again, it’s been awhile. And again, I find myself
feeling guilty for being so absent, especially when there’s so many of you
who’ve loved, cheered, and prayed me through so many wonderful, tough,
hilarious, and scary times. And even more so since there’s been so many amazing
and challenging developments the last year that I know you all would have loved
to have been clued in on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think I’ve figured out why I disappear... I sit down to
start writing, then start thinking about all that I didn’t write about, feeling
like I need to catch you up, then I start feeling guilty, and overwhelmed. The
other, which I suspect may play more of a role then I’m wanting to admit, is
figuring out just how much I want to expose. I myself have no problem with
that… I’m an open book, so to speak. However, I find myself being more
concerned about and sensitive to those close to me, and whether they’d want
their business in the street, even though it’d be from my point of view, or
wondering if I’m hurting their feelings. There. That’s pretty much it in a
nutshell. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I don’t have time for guilt, or to be tip toeing around
peoples feelings; as much as I do wrestle with it. Heck, other than Ladybug
(‘LB’) and the Hub (my husband), most of “those close to me” don’t even know I have
a blog. But, you never know… </span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Anyway, I am back… yet again. And even though I have a lot
of exciting things that I’m working on, and a lot going on (Ladybug is heading to high school!! ongoing
health challenges, new business opportunities), I promise… I am here to stay. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mIPAxI0LF9g/VZDT40bYtfI/AAAAAAAABbQ/mLymi5WM4H8/s1600/DSC_0484.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mIPAxI0LF9g/VZDT40bYtfI/AAAAAAAABbQ/mLymi5WM4H8/s320/DSC_0484.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So much beauty and adventure on the horizon and I'm excited... </span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12pt;">♥</span></o:p></span></div>
angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-18264723268678061452015-02-20T09:57:00.000-08:002015-02-20T09:57:27.318-08:00The Lenten Season Is Upon Us<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lQa7ji5AybM/VOdyzDpuywI/AAAAAAAABZA/LXFq54eoctU/s1600/Lent1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lQa7ji5AybM/VOdyzDpuywI/AAAAAAAABZA/LXFq54eoctU/s1600/Lent1.jpg" height="312" width="320" /></a></div>
Ahh, Lent. A time of sacrifice, fasting, moderation, reflection... I love this time of year. <br />
<br />
Being raised Catholic (my whole life), and Baptist concurrently, I grew up with a unique perspective and connection. As both a practicing Catholic and someone who also regularly attends a non-Catholic (Christian-Methodist-Episcopal Church) church and bible study, I still have it. For a while I didn't practice Lent at all. For a while I practiced out of obligation, duty, because it was what I was supposed to do. Each year I made my pretty standard list: eat less junk food, cut down on the TV/technology, etc... But one year, when Ladybug was in 3rd or 4th grade, it just changed for me. And the irony is that Lent was the reason why it changed. That year I decided to truly give it my all. To make it really about something meaningful, not just doctrine and dogma. I studied what it should really be about, how to use the time to develop and deepen my spiritual connections. And with each year, I got more and more from Lent.<br />
<br />
Two years ago my spirit was so uneasy and disconnected. I was really looking for change, for renewal, for connection. My spirit was crying out for it. That time, I decided to not only focus on the connection through my sacrifices, the things I'd withhold, my "take-aways", but also on the what I could "add", or contribute to deepen my connection. <a href="http://princesstinybutt.blogspot.com/2013/04/resurrection-and-rebirth.html" target="_blank">Lent 2013</a> was amazing, and thus started our new family tradition of 3 things (or more) we give up as individuals and as a family, and 3 things (or more) we add as individuals and as a family.<br />
<br />
For example, as a family we'd only watch TV on certain days/times, and an 'add' would be to end each evening in family prayer. An individual sacrifice would be to give up my cranberry juice, and an add would be to walk 3 times each week. Usually that Sunday through Fat Tuesday we would figure out what our adds and take-aways will be; sometimes I'll pick one or two for Ladybug if I'm not feeling her choices, but the bottom line we do it together as a family. However, I'm getting more push back this year; I think it has something to do with her turning 13 a couple months ago, lol! <br />
<br />
Anyway, I have a lot going on, chewing on a few things... which always seems to be the case - I guess that's life, huh? At least I'm not chewing on the same things, lol! Well, some things have regurgitated (oooh, sorry for that analogy!), and seem to be multi-course meals (I know, <i>I know</i>... I just couldn't resist, lol!!). I feel so strongly, and I see so clearly that God has called me to some amazing things, and the Capricorn in me is struggling with it - the logistics and execution (as always, lol!). As with 2 years ago, my spirit is stirring, uneasy with all that lay ahead of me; with all that I want to accomplish; with all that I must deal with day to day; feeling like I need to figure at least some of it all out.<br />
<br />
I had gotten my list all worked out, but some other things have come up this week that has me rethinking it. As much as I'd like to post it here now, I'll have to get back to you with it. Similar to 2013... I was a few days into Lent, and this new revelation hit me. Hmmm.... so, as usual, stay tuned!<br />
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Yes... I'm looking forward to this Lenten Season, praying that it will provide me with connection, clarity, revelation, and so much more. I'm excited.<br />
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Be well <span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">♥</span><br />
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<br />angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-22952078553946003782015-01-30T21:45:00.000-08:002015-02-19T19:53:38.990-08:00Ended With a BANG!<br />
Hey Hey Hey!<br />
<br />
Well, yes, as usual, it's been a while! I promise you I don't mean to be away for such long stretches. And I've been beating myself up over this too, trying to figure out why, because I haven't been very ill, and even though I've been busy, I haven't been <i>THAT</i> busy, lol! I sit down at least 3 times each week to write about something interesting that happened, or thoughts I have that I'd like to share with you all or get your feedback on, and then I get overwhelmed because I fell I have to catch you up on all the happenings, or there's so much I want to share with you that panic sets in and I turn into a complete chicken! This makes me feel just awful because I know I have lots of wonderful followers who care and are concerned about me, and I'm so very thankful for that.<br />
<br />
However, I did figure it out..... FACEBOOK!! Yes, I've been cheating on you all with FB; it has become my blogging mistress! And I'm not even on it that much, but it sucks up what little social media energy I have, lol! So there. I'm sorry. I am working on a shared custody plan.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
*********************</div>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yNMF9cRsQSM/VMxTJptIknI/AAAAAAAABXw/wBOjthXPdgE/s1600/DSC_0034.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yNMF9cRsQSM/VMxTJptIknI/AAAAAAAABXw/wBOjthXPdgE/s1600/DSC_0034.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That man of mine... AMAZING.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So, let's get down to business. I'm not going to bother with the whole catch up thing because other than funny ladybug stories and interesting anecdotes, there's not been much going on. let me tell you what beloved hubby did for me!!!!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>HE THREW ME A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!! YES!! I AM STILL IN DREAMLAND!</b></div>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UMuUTBT-DoA/VMbAZst0PgI/AAAAAAAABXU/EFPRt8Ps_2g/s1600/DSC_0004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UMuUTBT-DoA/VMbAZst0PgI/AAAAAAAABXU/EFPRt8Ps_2g/s1600/DSC_0004.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The moment I hit the door everyone yelled "SURPRISE!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'd been talking about throwing one for myself for years, and wanting to for even longer. Well, Dear Hubby got tired of hearing me whine and kvetch, and did it. And did it with a BANG!! Such class and elegance. As anal as I am, I really couldn't have done it better myself!<br />
<br />
He'd been planning for <b><i>TWO YEARS</i></b>! The last nine months or so I'd began to worry and wonder what the heck was going on with him - he was 'here' but not. He felt disconnected from us as a family unit. Projects around the house began to fall by the wayside. He was grumpier than usual, lol! But I did know that <i><b>something</b></i> was up because every time I looked up, he had my cell phone. He would ask me questions that were out of character for him. I only became suspicious when he started asking me all sorts of questions about Face Book.... <b><i>HE HATES FB</i></b>!!!! lol! <br />
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<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ch_rHnZ0HKA/VMxYAZDqFGI/AAAAAAAABYc/XizRM0gKUV8/s1600/DSC_0109.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ch_rHnZ0HKA/VMxYAZDqFGI/AAAAAAAABYc/XizRM0gKUV8/s1600/DSC_0109.JPG" height="131" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my Pops - He's always clean!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GL7zLDHWjbU/VMxUUg7uXuI/AAAAAAAABX8/IvFL7tYYb1M/s1600/DSC_0036.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GL7zLDHWjbU/VMxUUg7uXuI/AAAAAAAABX8/IvFL7tYYb1M/s1600/DSC_0036.JPG" height="261" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the loves of my life</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Anyway, there's so many little details, funny things that happened along the way, that I just can't tell it all here AND give pics all in this one post. At one point, Juan's car broke down at my moms house, while he was there to collect old pictures of me for a tribute video he put together and he car broke down. Well, he couldn't call me to come get him, nor let the insurance for the tow! He had to have his car towed to my fathers office, where we just happened to have a client with an auto repair shop RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET!! And all the lying that took place from friends and family who know all along .... Oh, it was just comedy! <br />
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NHrocPvTrnQ/VMxVm1GD-HI/AAAAAAAABYI/NDBg9uX2YCo/s1600/DSC_0141.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NHrocPvTrnQ/VMxVm1GD-HI/AAAAAAAABYI/NDBg9uX2YCo/s1600/DSC_0141.JPG" height="131" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me giving a great friend "The Eye" for covering up, LOL!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Juan filled the night with all sorts of wonderful touches and tributes that just had me on the floor all night. Honestly, my eyes are STILL swollen from all the crying! Then the icing on the cake is that Juan tracked down one of my most dearest friends from college, whom I'd lost contact with due to a crazy (ex thank God) husband. I never stopped thinking of her, praying for her, and her 2 amazing little boys. She really taught me the true meaning of friendship, unconditional love, courage, sisterhood, being true to yourself, strength, authenticity and so much more. <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dzn8Z7KRVWU/VMxXCuJgdPI/AAAAAAAABYU/y0EDrVUCeHY/s1600/DSC_0028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dzn8Z7KRVWU/VMxXCuJgdPI/AAAAAAAABYU/y0EDrVUCeHY/s1600/DSC_0028.JPG" height="209" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My beloved "Sis" who drove Xmas day FROM NEW YORK!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
The bottom line is that, together with his amazing family - his mom, sister, sister-cousins and aunt - Juan pulled off an amazing party! Everyone that matters most to me was there, and those that wanted to be there but just couldn't make it (like my beloved <a href="http://lovebabz.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Babz</a> and Cap), were there in spirit. I am still in awe of all those who traveled (and were willing to travel) over the holidays, some in bad weather, some actually spent part of Christmas day driving hundreds of miles! I still can't believe my beloved brother and his wife actually got on a plane and traveled cross country for me! I felt so much love, there was so much love in that hotel ballroom, that I am still so very overwhelmed, flattered, feeling unworthy, and humbled. Most of all.... I AM THANKFUL. <br />
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I AM BLESSED. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-662AzW9jHaA/VMxeA7Es8CI/AAAAAAAABYs/x_XHKCWCktc/s1600/DSC_0147.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-662AzW9jHaA/VMxeA7Es8CI/AAAAAAAABYs/x_XHKCWCktc/s1600/DSC_0147.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our dearest friends Jim and Crystal</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I'll have more pics and stories of the party coming soon.... <br />
<br />
Be well <br />
<br />
<br />
angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-41066074978079859692014-11-25T13:49:00.001-08:002014-11-26T08:27:32.530-08:00Catchup Time !<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Hey, hey,
hey!! Oh man have I had so much going on in my life recently! So many things on
my plate, that I haven’t known whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch! <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">WHEW!!!</i></b>
But things have finally quieted down a bit, or as much as they can with the holidays
on the way. Well, let’s get you all caught up, or as much as I can in just this
post. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The hubby
and ladybug are doing well. She’s growing like a weed, literally. We’re
currently in the throws of high school applications, entrance exams, and test
prepping. Oh the decisions we must make on her behalf has been a bit
overwhelming for me. It’s critical that we find the right place for her, well,
that goes without saying, right? But why ‘critical’? Because I’ve finally
gotten her ‘issues’ figured out. She has Central Auditory and Visual
Processing, and Executive Functioning disorders. Two different disorders, not
classified as actual learning differences, but definitely significant
challenges. And it’s been a struggle and a journey that we’re still on; yes we’ve
figured out <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the what</i></b>, but we’re now trying to figure out <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the how</i></b>
in order to help her. I’ll get more into that later.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">As for my
health… it’s been a great near two years of no big issues! Yes, I’ve have a few
minor hiccups, but things had been going well till the summer. I was hospitalized
in July because I ‘failed’ my high level blood thinner, which I should not have
done because of the nature of the medication. This resulted in my blood
clotting severely. It was rather dramatic actually, ladybug had to call 911 for
the first time and it scared the shit out of her; she struggled to actually
dial the number. I had to talk her through it – I took her in my arms and
reminded her that she’s seen and been through much worse, so dialing three
little numbers where’s there’s help on the other end is something she can
absolutely do! And she did! She pulled herself together and completed the call
better than we had practiced time and time before! I am so proud of her!! There’s
a lot of health related stuff going on, so I’ll post a health update next week.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It’s been
busy in my work life too! As you know I’m a certified life coach and for the last
several years I’ve only been dealing with clients one on one. I used to do
workshops and seminars, or be invited to speak, participate in panel
discussions, or be the keynote, and it’s been a long while since I’d done any workshops
or seminars. I began having issues around my own confidence, mainly due to my
health/neurological issues. Well, I recently held my own, my very own Life
Skills Workshop recently, and although it was harder than I thought it would
be, seeing as I’d done this more than dozens of times before, I got through it
better than I thought I would! And I’m continuing on scheduling more next year…
I’ll keep you posted! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Well, I don’t
want this post to go too long, so there’s a quick and recent snapshot of what’s
been going on. Stay tuned.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Be well </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">♥</span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-12507883166018083912014-10-03T12:49:00.006-07:002014-10-04T15:34:48.259-07:00We're The Bomb.Com!<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Today is my wedding anniversary and I’m going to<br />let you in on some of my random thoughts and feelings about him, about us, and<br />just some of how he is…</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1SFZ6D4WQQ/Uk5DVUzII9I/AAAAAAAABME/V38pmmx_BYg/s1600/wedding+pic.JPG" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1SFZ6D4WQQ/Uk5DVUzII9I/AAAAAAAABME/V38pmmx_BYg/s320/wedding+pic.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wedding on the beach at sunset in Ocho Rios</td></tr>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kgaFeGd4Lno/Uk4s_wGa5DI/AAAAAAAABLE/ozFMIF3rP6M/s1600/lovehim.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So where do I start? That first, I am in love with my husband. I love him. I truly do. And it has nothing to do with the familiarity sometimes sets in over the years. He’s the strong silent type - physically, emotionally, and character and that’s so sexy to<br />me. And I know he loves me, adores me without question. All of me. COMPLETELY. I<br />don't have to hide who I am or dim my own light. He kisses my boo-boos. He believes… no, he <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i>knows</i> </b>I can do anything. He thinks I’m pretty damn hot. I think he is <i>FOINE</i>. We flirt with each other…. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A LOT</i></b>.<br />I am his queen and he is my king. He is my biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. My personal bodyguard and protector. I don’t ever have to worry. He knows that I<br />trust him to lead our family because he knows I have his back in the most fiercest of ways. We trust each other with our lives.</span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HF8lnZ5JTqA/Uk470JmxWqI/AAAAAAAABLo/YxFyZa-fRgU/s1600/me+and+juan+inparis.JPG" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HF8lnZ5JTqA/Uk470JmxWqI/AAAAAAAABLo/YxFyZa-fRgU/s320/me+and+juan+inparis.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Musee D'Orsay Paris 2008</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span>I love it when he sees me struggling to make it<br />up the stairs. He comes behind me and whisks me up in his arms, quietly,<br />gently. Yes, he’s sexy to me, still after 23 years. And I am to him. Don’t get me started about the lovemaking…. Yeah, still. Even after 23 years. “Dayum!”‘Nuff<br />said. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I love the way he looks at me when he thinks I<br />don’t see him. </span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I love how hard he works for us. </span>Though not the best communicator, he’s tender and loving. He<br />loves our daughter in the way a dad should - active, engaged, and concerned. He combs her hair almost better than I can, and I love the way he looks at and<br />watches her. He loves to laugh, sometimes too much, and always looks for the bright side no matter how pitch black it actually is. I love that he tempers me<br />like chocolate and helps me get and stay balanced, sometimes with just a glance my way. A patient student, he allows me my mistakes while I figure out how to show him how to love me. He really does listen, even though he ignores most of what I say. He does not suffers fools, believes in femininity yet loves a strong woman. Has no problem donning an apron or hand washing my bras. </span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1SFZ6D4WQQ/Uk5DVUzII9I/AAAAAAAABME/V38pmmx_BYg/s1600/wedding+pic.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f2tpSlhJ0jQ/Uk45B_U75wI/AAAAAAAABLg/N3TSzL7nvNY/s1600/IMG_0016.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f2tpSlhJ0jQ/Uk45B_U75wI/AAAAAAAABLg/N3TSzL7nvNY/s200/IMG_0016.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In first class on an Air France flight 2011</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I love it when he works in the yard, or on the cars. I love his arms. His shoulders. His legs. I love cuttin his hair with clippers or shaving him with a straight razor and cream. I love his 3 o'clock shadow. I love when he gets in<br />someone’s ass for being disrespectful. That bass in his voice.... yes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ve been through it these last several years with my health. I mean things that would rip most marriages apart, but yet we are only stronger; we love and<br />appreciate each other more and more. He can be amazing. </span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Again, he is not perfect. I am not perfect. However, we are truly perfect together (most of the time, lol!!). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Happy Anniversary to US! </span><br />
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<br />angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-54630433189655710392014-02-20T15:31:00.001-08:002014-02-27T20:22:33.451-08:00More Truth Talk<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">OHHH.....MY....GOWWD!!
I am so over people, some are clients, but particularly so called 'friends' and
other people I know who like considering me their friend so they can call me
for 'help', then won't/don't take it and/or want to argue with me as to why
they're right or justified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">YOU</i></b>
called <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ME</i></b>. You only seem to call me when u want or need something,
then you actually expect me to perform Johnny on the spot because it's <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">URGENT</b>, or <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">YOU</b> are up against a deadline. REALLY? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Oh, don't get it twisted,
I DO say NO, and to most, so now I’m down to just a few 'usual suspects', and I’m
seeing now that it's just not worth it. It’s a one way street. Oh sure,
"you're the best life/career/love/financial coach ev-uhh". But that's
all I get really (well, and a thank u from some). No referrals. No "is
this a good time?", or “can I do anything for you?", or "do you
need anything?" kind of consideration. Oh sure, some give me the
perfunctory "how are u?" or "what's new?"...you know, to
make it look good. But don't let me think their call was a serious attempt at
just conversation - they rush me on and quickly launch into why they really
called. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’ve had one too
many calls today from people like this, always wanting to pick my brain. But I
can't be mad at them, really, because it’s my fault. Yep. Because I’ve allowed
my loyalty, compassion, and desire to help (“Captain Save-A-Client/friend/relative”…
it runs in the family) cloud my judgment. But I see clearly now that just because
they’re not obvious takers- intentionally taking advantage, or manipulative, or
that I may be the only one they know who knows about what they need help with
(this is a big one!), doesn’t mean they’re still not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">taking</i>. And I’ve been allowing it. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So please, DON'T
CALL ME TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT or AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT ANYTHING unless you're calling
to see what YOU can do FOR ME (like send me PAYING REFERRALS), or discuss the
merits of a great wine/beer, the use of cream and real butter, or the
unctuousness of a good Marsala sauce.</span></div>
angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-48725177724264616592014-02-03T21:33:00.002-08:002014-02-03T21:38:20.829-08:00More Reality<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Hey Y’all. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m realizing that I haven’t spoken
to my mom since New Year’s Day and I’m starting to feel some kind of
way about it. I’ve mentioned very little in the past about my family, Mommy
Dearest issues particularly, fearing her wrath and mental manipulation if she
somehow found out about me talking about her in such a public way, and if I talked
about her too much in a not so flattering way, or not enough in a flattering
way (she’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind of person). But as
part of my preparation for 2014, I did a mental and emotional vomit here on my
blog, where I shared just some of the emotional and psychological pain of my
past, because I refused to bring all the crap that I’ve either not wanted to
deal with, or was hiding from into the new year and on, going forward. The relationship
I have with her, and my father to an extent, is the only area of my life that
isn’t ‘together’, and I feel like a hypocrite most days. Honestly, it has kept
me from blogging as much as I’d like, and some days from blogging all together.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With that said, Mommy Dearest had created an
untenable situation for me and I continue to struggle with what do and how to
handle it. How can I be candid about my own feelings and internal struggles and
conflict here without going into detail? Without making her seem like a
monster? Well, yes, she can be. Some would say she is. Monster or not, I struggle
so with how to handle her. Some say I just need to cut her off completely. Some
say I need to face her, tell her on no uncertain terms, just what she’s put me
through, that she’s full of shit, and issue an ultimatum that she either get it
together or I won’t be in her life. Well, what I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have</i> done is to either just deal with her or just avoid her, which is
really what I’ve done most of the time. Other times I wouldn’t say a word when
she’d begin her manipulations or victim playing. I’d just smile, be polite, and
keep my mouth shut – like I was trained. Now there have been times, especially since
I’ve been sick, when I would put the brakes on the madness, and it often got
funky. But again, she’s a masterful manipulator and I am no match. So the fact
that I haven’t spoken to my mother in just over a month now may very well be
one of her little tests of love and adoration or just be her uniquely twisted
form of petulance. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Either way, I’m not dealing with it anymore. I’m
no longer going to willingly compromise my own truth and personal integrity, silence
my voice and jeopardize my health for the sake of continuing to have a twisted
relationship with my mother.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At the
beginning of the year I told myself that I wouldn’t be around her unless I
could speak my truth, or hell, just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tell</i>
the truth. But then I realized that if the truth didn’t match up to her reality
at that moment, then she’d have a problem, no matter what, and back to the
damned if you do (you know the rest). So here I am, feeling stuck around
this situation,<i><b> again</b></i>. How do I end this? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sigh…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Be well </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">♥</span></div>
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angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-20849337642295178492014-01-25T21:35:00.001-08:002014-01-25T21:36:44.664-08:00break time! day 1<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I realized last summer that just the three of us (juan,
ladybug, and myself) hadn’t taken a real family vacay since ladybug was a
toddler! Yes, we travel, and travel quite a bit, but it was always family
related and mainly to Atlanta, which is where Juan is from and where I finished
school. We always have a blast when we go ‘home’ because, well, it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">home</i>. Most of my college friends are
still in the area, and do I need to even mention all the good eating to be had
there? Plus Juan and ladybug get to spend time with the family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though it’s home, it’s still just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">home.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i> </span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0e4KECXu8sY/UuR92fLhN5I/AAAAAAAABRA/Yby_pEVpYlE/s1600/DSC_0574.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0e4KECXu8sY/UuR92fLhN5I/AAAAAAAABRA/Yby_pEVpYlE/s1600/DSC_0574.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the fountain at Balboa Park</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Upon my vacation realization I told Juan we had to fix this
asap! So being the man of action that he is, he started looking for somewhere
other than Atlanta for us to visit. But the question was when. Do we sacrifice our
Christmas vacation in Atlanta for our family get a way? We don’t get home as
much as we used to; it’s dwindled down to only once or twice each year ($650
has been the average price per ticket!) at most, and his family’s not happy
about it. Thanksgiving? It required more thought, and time, but ultimately Christmas
break won and the Atlanta lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>San Diego
here we come!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-30kjZU6wQg0/UuR-LPXErlI/AAAAAAAABRI/z8Qkmbk1izs/s1600/DSC_0566.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-30kjZU6wQg0/UuR-LPXErlI/AAAAAAAABRI/z8Qkmbk1izs/s1600/DSC_0566.JPG" height="131" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We left that Thursday before Christmas and returned late Christmas Eve. Thirty minutes into the flight I began to panic because I realized that I hadn't done ANY shopping!! Nope. Not even one little gift card for ANYONE! And we were returning too late for me to get anything at least for ladybug. In addition to my own anxiety, ladybug had to contribute hers as well - would we get back in time to make Santas cookies? how will Santa find her if we didn't have a tree? and on and on...! Well thank God for friends like Glo! She saved the day by doing all my shopping for ladybug! I could exhale and really enjoy the trip.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CBJho-Rvlzo/UuSFOMQ3NiI/AAAAAAAABRg/gCmbdgQv0nw/s1600/DSC_0591.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CBJho-Rvlzo/UuSFOMQ3NiI/AAAAAAAABRg/gCmbdgQv0nw/s1600/DSC_0591.JPG" height="320" width="211" /></a><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And boy did we have a much needed <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">blast</i></b> filled with lots of food, walking (and no wheelchair or motor scooter mind you!!), and uncontrollable laughter. It was just wonderful and just what we needed and we will
be doing this more often! </span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fmDyfPnym1k/UuSI4JhPOfI/AAAAAAAABRo/-znD0xWvKo8/s1600/DSC_0610.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fmDyfPnym1k/UuSI4JhPOfI/AAAAAAAABRo/-znD0xWvKo8/s1600/DSC_0610.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Day one was all about rest and relaxation. But day two was full of museums at Balboa Park. This place is a museum freaks heaven! There are museums for every possible interest, with fountains and historic mission style buildings all nestled in a beautiful park setting. There are people everywhere selling churros and balloon animals, protesting the civil situation or another, passing out info on religious and sexual rights to expression (not necessarily the one in the same, lol!) all throughout the place. Our favorites where the ones with animals. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">she loves dinosaurs, reptiles, and sharks!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As for museums, we found ourselves in the natural history museum... ladybug LOVES dinosaurs, sharks, and other creatures. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this creeped me out</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">she got a real kick out of this giant shark!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3IpIsAW6Ioc/UuSKJc_LiXI/AAAAAAAABR4/6T6cpoasuVs/s1600/DSC_0650.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3IpIsAW6Ioc/UuSKJc_LiXI/AAAAAAAABR4/6T6cpoasuVs/s1600/DSC_0650.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">telling her dad 'what's what'</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">we had fun at the natural history museum</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Day 1 was so much fun, so STAY TUNED for day 2!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Be well </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">♥</span></div>
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angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-25241973054405384152014-01-20T13:08:00.001-08:002014-01-25T21:38:46.161-08:00Freakish Weather!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OxFsh8urYVk/Ut2N9PiimyI/AAAAAAAABQY/RmoKWDGCDb0/s1600/DSC_0301.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OxFsh8urYVk/Ut2N9PiimyI/AAAAAAAABQY/RmoKWDGCDb0/s1600/DSC_0301.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">both new and old bay bridges heading west into san francisco</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Here January is and it’s practically 80 degrees
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favorite weather, but instead it’s like late spring. And I’m not happy I tell
you. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Winter/Fall is probably my favorite time of year.
I love the cool crispness, how the rain cleanses everything, the snow, my
winter veggie garden. I love winter fashion too - the sweaters, scarves, hats, boots,
big heavy coats, and leather. But more importantly, it’s time for soups, stews,
and hearty slow cooked food!! And you all know how I love my food! But making a
big pot of cannellini bean soup with chunks of ham, carrots and swiss chard poured
over rice with Juan’s fabulous cast iron skillet cornbread just doesn’t feel
right. My brain, my wardrobe, and my taste buds are in a state of flux! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vnBYiGD63Bk/Ut2OSAs2AQI/AAAAAAAABQo/GJ2zPp-BfbE/s1600/DSC_0305.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vnBYiGD63Bk/Ut2OSAs2AQI/AAAAAAAABQo/GJ2zPp-BfbE/s1600/DSC_0305.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">blessed.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It was such a pretty day last week, that ladybug and I goofed around a bit before heading to tennis practice. We're truly blessed to live in such an amazingly beautiful place, no matter how wacky the weather can be! We get to see these views almost every day. </span></div>
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Be well </div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zivOVxkwino/Ut2OIKR9SaI/AAAAAAAABQg/p34XUvzhY8Y/s1600/DSC_0302.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zivOVxkwino/Ut2OIKR9SaI/AAAAAAAABQg/p34XUvzhY8Y/s1600/DSC_0302.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">we get to see this practically every day!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EIxS8_jPrXw/Ut2O5GKzMcI/AAAAAAAABQw/H5P3X-BxI5E/s1600/DSC_0313.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EIxS8_jPrXw/Ut2O5GKzMcI/AAAAAAAABQw/H5P3X-BxI5E/s1600/DSC_0313.JPG" height="320" width="211" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">isn't she beautiful?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-74234321031155176002013-12-24T23:23:00.000-08:002014-01-25T21:51:53.459-08:00No More Baggage To Carry **LONG**<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">T</span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">he
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both the last and first day a year – resolutions for the upcoming year, review
and analysis of the outgoing one - that I always feel some kind of way about
it. In the past I have gotten caught up in all that, I admit. But for the last
few years I’ve really been thinking about this whole ritual, and how it makes
me feel. Because I truly believe that each day, each moment is a chance, an
opportunity really to start all over again, I have decided to do something
different… just happens to be today!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">You all know that I’m all trying to be the best
person I can; being honest; standing in, speaking and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>honoring my own truth; searching for ways to
be as authentic as I can be. And you all know that I’ve been struggling, openly
here, with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">who I now am</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what my life is all about</i> since I began
living with some pretty horrible disease that regularly threaten to take me
out. But I’ve only hinted at the other issues I’ve been struggling with, some
for years and years, and some are only new revelations and insight into them.
So in my continuing quest to live honestly and authentically, I’ve decided to
do both a brain and emotion ‘dump’, clean out my emotional house so to speak,
and lay bare some of my scares, some of my pain. Some of the things I’ve not
wanted to address in any way, let alone publically via my blog, figuring that
if I don’t participate in the bullshit, if I rise above it via my behavior
(i.e. no response), then it will get better or just go away. But that’s not the
case and I know better. All the crazy and absurd bullshit I’ve dealt with, or
allowed, all the truths I’ve been either unknowingly or consciously hid because
of guilt, or shame, or fear. That’s a big one for me, fear. Fear of what others
might think, fear of how others see me. So now is when I start standing in <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ALL</i></b>
of my truth, not just some of it. And now is when I stop being afraid, no
longer give a certain group of folk power, no longer give a damn about what
they have to say or think. I’m going to dump it all out so that it’s on the
record. For <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ME</i></b>. Right here. Right now. Because I refuse to start the
upcoming year weighed down by all the things I’ve been holding in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I don’t write this for sympathy. I write
this for my own healing. For me to control my own story. My own truth. I offer
no explanations, no insights. Just some things that happened to me as I saw/see
it with a little bit of emotion mixed in here. Bear with me as I try to make
sense, keep in it some kind of order and not ramble on. Here’s some of my story
so far.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">As a kid I was sad and lonely most of the time. As
a child I felt unloved, unwanted, and in the way. A burden to be endured with
little value, let alone a voice (“children are seen and not heard”). Although
never expressly stated, I felt reminded of this often. I was trotted out and
made to perform on demand for friends and family for various and ridiculous
things (“do a back flip!”; “run fast!”; “twirl on the monkey bars”), but most always
for the purpose of making my parents look good for whatever reason. Yet as a
parent now, I’m sure there had to be some pride involved in those performances,
but I never felt it. I was always given a majorly heavy and guilt trip,
especially from mom, if I didn’t cooperate. I was never to embarrass them
either, well, mom definitely cared more about that than dad. Because of this I
did my best to stay out of the way, to be good, polite with perfect manners,
and I was always eager to please (or to prove my worth). It’s funny how much I
remember about growing up, but what I remember more is how I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">felt</i></b>
while growing up, and many of the situations and encounters that made me feel
it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I hate talking about the past. It’s painful. It’s
confusing. It’s shady. But I will not carry it with me any longer. I have
enough on my plate as it is. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My mom is a passive aggressive narcissistic overly
dramatic master manipulator who’s the center of everything, and has a starring
role as sole victim in every situation. Everything she does is deniable,<span style="color: black;"> her aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as
thoughtfulness. Her selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and
slander is slyly disguised as concern, and overly dramatic guilt trips her
specialty. She had all this down to such a science that whenever I tried to let
anyone know what was going on, they’d never believe me. It was impossible
because everyone adored my mom. My dad? I don’t really know how to describe him,
yet I can easily explain his ridiculous behaviors. Yes, he’s very similar to my
mom in that he’s selfish and self-centered, but desperate for attention,
adoration and praise. I play the doting ‘daddy’s girl’. His ‘shadow’, his
sidekick and keeper of secrets. That was my assigned role to play with him and
also performance on demand for ego and appearance. I spent a lot of time with
him when I was little (before brother came along really) and mom hated it. She
was and still is jealous of the relationship she thinks we have. And the
relationship we actually have? It’s difficult to be with him, talk with or to
him, and he often leaves me devastated and in tears. I believe he knew mom was
a bit ‘touched’, but he refused to act – he hates any kind of confrontation. “Just
be respectful” or “Now that’s your mother” he’d say. Both have created this
false reality of parenthood, a fantasy of their parenting track record of
sorts, that always amazes me, and for years I played along, mainly out of fear
and guilt, I helped perpetuate it. Especially as a young adult and adult;
actually I continued the creation of the bullshit until very recently. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="color: black;">Fear and
guilt is a bitch.</span></span></b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Both lie, mom’s way more clever with it
than dad, but I think he has her beat with creativity though! Thanks to their amazing
and often fascinating examples, I became a liar too. I don’t think I was as
good as them, but I lied like a rug for most of my childhood. I lied about big
things (I didn’t do my homework because my mom was sick) and stupid little
things (the amount of time I spent riding horses, which was a lot but I just
tripped it), it was more than normal childhood lying, and I knew it. None of
the lies I told were ever hurtful or mean, or damaging, or in any way brought
about the end of nations and corporations, but often I lied just because. And wrong
is wrong, period. Blessed with keen insight, I also knew why I did it. I needed
to feel worthy, that I mattered, loved. (Probably my own parents’ issues just
passed down?) But it left me feeling so guilty, dirty really, and way more
unworthy than before. Thankfully I put an end to it all in the eighth grade
because I could see how stupid it was, and more importantly, I felt guilty and could
see that it got me nothing but trouble. Because of my fear around worth, I
became a problem solver, ‘The Fixer’, the go to person for almost everything; I
became a know it all do it all fix it all (like my parents), and tied my value
to being able to solve the problem, or ‘fix’. This helped, but I still remained
feeling unworthy and insignificant. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My brother came along when I was almost 8, and I’d
like to say that not much changed, because I continued to feel the same, just
more so. More in the way, more of a burden, blah, blah, blah. Brother was a
laid back baby and kid, didn’t kick up much of a fuss, mellow. I liked that and
I liked him, but we weren’t close, nor are we now. He was sickly in the
beginning, some kind of seizure disorder which he outgrew, but it was
terrifying. I was so scared for him because he was so tiny, for my parents
because they clearly liked him more (in my young childish mind), and for me
because I needed him to be ok. I didn’t want to be left alone with mom and dad,
and in my own ridiculous childish reasoning, he took the pressure off of me
because all the focus was on him. He was a boy, he was the baby, and he was
sick. The seizures wore off but being the favorite stuck. And please don’t
think that I’m this bitter older sister who’s twisted over the favoritism of
the younger sibling. Nah. Yes, we have very different experiences growing up.
Yes, I often wondered why he caught passes, mostly got what he wanted, and
didn’t have to change schools (I attended seven different school from 1<sup>st</sup>
to 12<sup>th</sup> grades, I absolutely hated it). Yes, he was and still is
well taken care of. But I hold no resentment towards him. I really don’t. What
I do resent is how my parents treated us in regards to each other. They often
pitted us against each other (“yeah, but your brother/sister did/said…” fill in
the blank). Things got worse after the divorce, I think I was 10, mom was so
filled with hate and bitterness towards dad, and he was all about ‘winning us
over’. Brother was still very young and I always had to be responsible for him,
his behavior. I was always the mediator between him and the parents, and ran
interference for him, mostly without his knowledge. I was always the scapegoat
when he couldn’t have or do or go (“sorry, you can’t because I had to send some
money to your sister..” which was so not true. About 13 years ago there was
situation where it appeared he tried to kill himself, he said it was an
accident not intentional - I really don’t know, you know how families don’t
like to discuss emotionally challenging situations/truths. That was one of the
darkest times in my life. Both parents dumped all their shit on me for
absolution. Dad needed me to confirm that he’d been a great dad; mom just
wanted to take her side in blaming dad; brother didn’t even know what kind of
war was raging outside the hospital. He probably has no idea how much I’ve
done, sacrificed on his behalf, yet I have no idea what he really feels about
me. And no, he doesn’t even know an eighth of my story. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This is getting long, and I’m getting weary as I
try hard not to re-live most of the pain and anguish. But I want to get as much
out as I can. I have to. Again, just for me. I’m so tired of hiding, feeling
guilty, and being afraid. Are these emotions reasonable? Nope. And I know this.
But it still exists, and I know I’ll feel better once I start getting this out.
So on with the show...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I’ve been through way more than so many of my
friends even know about collectively, and I’ve been too afraid to tell any one
person my whole story. Afraid to let someone in fully, and to trust that they’d
take care of and honor my story. I’ve not known true friendship til I got sick
because before then, all my relationships, including loveships, were always
based on what I could do for them. There was little to no reciprocation; even
my own marriage started out that way whether he’d admit it or not. Now I’m not
saying I was a poor little lamb in the lions den. Most of the takers throughout
my life didn’t necessarily start with the motive of getting as much as they
could. Remember, I was in need of being validated and feeling worthy. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Anyway, I’m struggling with finding a way to
transition into my horrific high school years which was just more misery,
confusion, and pain. Mainly because of my parents, honestly. I was a good kid
and stayed out of any real or big trouble. Yeah I did dumb kid stuff, which usually
got turned into an act of treason by mom; dad usually ignored it for fear of
any kind of confrontation or having to get his parenting hands dirty. During
this time I was raped and molested, both times by close family on my step-fathers
side. A neighbor whom I always babysat for realized that something was wrong
and what that something was. I felt so relieved and taken care of by her, but
it only lasted for a few hours. Mom grilled me about what happened, then
accused me of purposefully and intentionally trying to ruin her life, that I
was jealous of her and all that she had. I was 16 and she was 37. Dad
apparently found out, I still don’t know how, and somehow my uncle got involved
and there may have been a confrontation. Then it happened again but by the son
of a good friend of my dad. Based on all the chaos that went on with the
previous situation, I didn’t say a word. All this led to me not trusting anyone
but at the same time being open to being taken advantage of. I was still so
very naïve. I became promiscuous, I guess, but not with the actual act of sex
itself, but in using the promise of it as my power over the guy. I still don’t
know what to call it really, and even though I wasn’t having a lot of sex, i still feel</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Then there’s my college years and how I wound up
homeless for a time while 2500 miles away from home, thanks to mommy dearest.
Besides that scary and painful time, and the circumstances around why it
happened, I really don’t have too many scarring incidents to expunge during
this part of my life. Even though they were trying and extremely hard, it was
an amazing time of self-discovery, where I learned just who I was, what I was
about, and what I was made of; where I began to uncover my true value and
worth, and learn the meaning of friendship. I had some amazing opportunities,
experiences, and jobs – as a lobbyist, a 911 operator, a “house mother” in an
extremely upscale gentleman’s club (I learned so much from this job!), and then
one in particular that developed into my stratospheric human resources career.
The best years of my life really! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">It began to hit the fan when I came home from
college, with soon to be hubby in tow. Mom really didn’t like me anymore
because I had started down the path of self-assuredness and knowing. She could
see that I saw through her bullshit. But still, I was too afraid to act, she
knew it, and the manipulation went into overdrive! She’d tell me she didn’t
like the way I spoke to hubby, that when he left me, she’d take his side, and
lots of other cruelties like that. She supposedly gave us some money for the
down payment on our house – we weren’t expecting to buy, but had two massive
dogs (see malik) at the time so no one would rent to us. She was in real estate
at the time, brokered the deal and got a commission. She sly explained that she
reduced her commission so we’d be able to get the house, meaning she had lost
money in the deal. Well she just tacked on her commission amount to what we had
to pay back to her, with interest no less (“that’s what banks do!”). As for
dad, the plan was to graduate, come home and work for him. He’d teach me the
ropes, and I’d take over and grow the empire he’d begun, but I had changed so
much that I just couldn’t stomach his shenanigans any longer. I headed straight
for the corporate ladder and began a great career. I continued to dabble at his
office, mainly because my name was all over the business. I didn’t understand
at the time, too afraid to ask questions, too afraid to brook disappointment,
then feel the guilt. He loved bragging about how involved I was, how great I was
at handling things. But he never let me do anything of consequence, more
importantly, he never taught me anything. Most of what I’ve managed to learn
has been on my own, but he’s good at taking credit. Like how he used to tell
everyone how he paid for college. Yes, he did what he could do and sent me a
few bucks from time to time, but I worked 3 jobs simultaneously for several
years, received multiple academic scholarships, and paid off 2 different rather
large student loans while still in school. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I came back from college and all my worldly
travels, completely changed. I was large and in charge. Most of those old
behaviors were gone and I couldn’t go back, and took no bullshit from anyone… except
my parents. I was still stuck in those old patterns <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with them</i> and I just didn’t know how to break them. Then I had
ladybug and got sick soon after. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Your life and the way you see things changes dramatically
when you’re told you only have so much time to live - especially when you have
a husband and very young child. Everyone acted appropriately and accordingly,
accept mom. <span style="color: black;">She doesn’t believe I’m sick, and has
gone out of her way to let me know she could care less. She told me as clear as
day on more than one occasion that if I actually was sick, then she’s glad of
it because it was time for me to grow up; that she hoped I’d noticed that she
had no interest in helping me out, “being there for me” (once I got sick)
because I needed to “buck up”. Once I had ladybug, I began thinking about all
the things my mom had done to me and not done for me, and I became overwhelmed.
I realized that as a mother, there was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKIN WAY</i></b> I could do
to ladybug what she had done to me. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">PERIOD</i></b>. Plus all that I had/have
been through healhwise, I could see the madness with such clarity, it was amazing.
The turning point was when my grandmother was dying not that long ago, and mom
showed her ass. Everyone got to see just how hateful she could be towards me.
Finally. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This pretty much brings you all
current. Yes, I’ve left out some major drama, but don’t want to turn this into
a “Poor Angela” post. There’s just so much and I all I really want to do is
shed some light on some of the crap I’ve been too guilty and afraid to say
aloud about my family. I’ve taken no shit from everyone else except my parents. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">It has taken me several days to write
this and yet I still feel like it’s too much and not enough. But I must
remember that this is just the beginning.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I will no longer feel like a hypocrite.
I declare that I am no longer fearful, I will no longer worry about guilt
around my crazy ass parents. I am no longer giving a shit about how they feel
or what they think if and when I call them on their bullshit. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I’ve been through some shit that’s
tougher than them. Rape, molestation, homelessness, hunger, being given 18-24
months to live, chemotherapy and dealing with ongoing life and death health
issues. But I’ve come out on top. And I will continue to come out on top. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
not going to get all caught up in resolutions because I don’t do that anymore. But
I have started a list if things I want to get done, accomplish, explore and
experience for the upcoming year, but I’m keeping them to myself. However I will
say that 2014 is all about me. Me living and speaking my truth 100% fully and
out loud. It’s about me increasing my faith; figuring out what the pieces of my
cross are (Matthew 16:24-26) and dealing with them openly. This year is all
about me doing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Thanks for always being here for me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> Be well </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">♥</span></div>
angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-72004913030940007392013-12-17T12:07:00.000-08:002014-01-25T21:52:15.877-08:00Is It Twelve Already?<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KefoN4r2lJ4/UrPEg-TyJDI/AAAAAAAABPg/EKacPMXJ-Pw/s1600/IMG_0373.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KefoN4r2lJ4/UrPEg-TyJDI/AAAAAAAABPg/EKacPMXJ-Pw/s320/IMG_0373.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Wow, has it really been two months since my last post? Honestly, I have no excuses
and I’m sorry. I’ve just been lazy. I think of and want to blog
every day, but just haven’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s it. No excuses really, no drama, haven’t been sick, fingers been
working (sort of) fine. Then I started getting emails from you all - my wonderful and
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should. Because I’ve had some pretty funny, interesting, and
thought provoking insights to blog about! Well, what’s done is done,
so let’s get to it! Since there’s a bit of ground for me to cover, I’ll start
slowly, which will force me to post several entries – more for you all to
enjoy! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So let’s start with my beloved ladybug. She just had a
birthday and is now a twelve year old. I’m still wrapping my mind around this.
It’s amazing to see how she’s grown (literally! – she's grown 7 inches in 10 months!!), and developed both emotionally and maturity wise, especially
since moving her to a new school last year. She has changed by leaps and bounds
and I’m so damn proud of her! She’s gone from absolutely hating the idea of
reading, to begging for books and sneaking to stay up late so she can read!
OMG. She rarely complains, and never gives up. I am often in awe of her and
wondering where she gets that fortitude from. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7mB5Ranvi1M/UrP5nF5kyLI/AAAAAAAABQE/ktFCnHNMcxg/s1600/DSC_0349.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7mB5Ranvi1M/UrP5nF5kyLI/AAAAAAAABQE/ktFCnHNMcxg/s320/DSC_0349.JPG" height="320" width="211" /></a><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I’ve mentioned in a previous post <a href="http://princesstinybutt.blogspot.com/2013/08/v-behaviorurldefaultvmlo.html" target="_blank">here</a>, last year was the year from hell for us when we moved her to this new school – it was truly horrible.
But she triumphed and never let those kids, or the situation get to her. Now, she’s a rock star! She’s little miss popularity! It's like the twilight zone, lol! They LOVE her!
She’s not complaining either. Even
though she seems to have found a really good core group of girls (who’ve played a
major role in her new found interest in reading), I see now through the benefit of
hindsight that at least <i>this</i> group of girls are shy in nature and underexposed, and that that's what their particular issue was last year (I can't speak for the other lil heifers!). However, Juan and I have told her more than once to be mindful, that some of
them were the same girls who treated her not so nice, for whatever reason, and
to let them show her that they want to be her friend for who she is, not what
they think she has or can do for them.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KB7EiqR7n_A/UrP3FnGRQVI/AAAAAAAABPw/agykeM7kKec/s1600/DSC_0313.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KB7EiqR7n_A/UrP3FnGRQVI/AAAAAAAABPw/agykeM7kKec/s320/DSC_0313.JPG" height="320" width="211" /></a><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With that little bit of background said, she had a big
birthday weekend blowout/extravaganza with some of the girls from school. It
was two days of 12 and 13 year old fun! The theme was “Girls Night Out and In”
where we first did a ‘date’ with a movie and dinner complete with ‘mocktails’,
then we headed to our house for lots of fun and games. Once home we did the
bday cake and a sparkling cider toast in fancy glasses. Then they had an Xbox
dance off and karaoke singing contests where the girls won prizes. Afterwards
they had a massive pillow fight and enjoyed down time where they did crafts,
worked puzzles, and played card/board games. The next morning we headed to the
local breakfast spot for pancakes and hot chocolate, then back home for more hanging out time til
their parents picked them up. Everyone had a blast! And I survived! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So it's official, we have a twelve year old. My how time has flown...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Be well ♥</span></div>
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angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-19556124033120907292013-10-09T12:09:00.000-07:002013-10-09T12:11:05.635-07:00decisions, decisions...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">I’ve
been struggling with my hair for a while now, since December really – my last
round of chemo. I guess it’s finally caved to all the chemo and medications. I
don’t blame it really, it’s put up a great fight over these many years that
I’ve been dealing with one health crisis after another, on top of the chemical
texturizer every 3-4 months. Hurray hair, what a trooper!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">Yes,
I’ve been spoiled by having great hair for decades. It’s always behaved, I’ve
never had to wrap it or ‘train’ it, and it always managed to look like I’ve
just stepped out of a salon, most of the time. Even during my darkest chemo
days. Most people couldn’t even tell how much had actually come out or just how
it has thinned. But now it doesn’t know what it wants to do and I don’t know
what to do with it and I’m frustrated. So I’m at a point where I just want to
chop it all off. For my hairs sake, but also because I am in a place right now
where I am in need of change. Desperate for change. So, no, it’s not just about
my hair. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">I’ve
been seriously considering going ‘natural’. No, I don’t have a relaxer, what
has now come to be called creamy crack, but I do have a texturizer and have had
one for many, many years now – even through chemo. It has allowed me to be
semi-natural - not that that was my intent, but because I didn’t have to see
the inside of a salon for at least 3-4 months at a time. This kept me from
being slave to the salon – something I absolutely abhor for my own personal
reasons (like being there ALL day, then half the time having to go home to ‘fix’
the expensive style). But I’m thinking, with all the chemicals I’ve been
dealing with, have to deal with because of my health, that I really should consider
giving my hair a true break. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">In my
research and exploration about natural hair, it’s care, and the whole process
of going natural, and was surprised to see that this issue is pretty political
and contentious – which I don’t understand. It’s a very personal choice, so
with that said, that’s all I’ll say. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">I’ve
always wanted to be a girly girl – into make-up, clothes, fashion, and hair –
and I’m beginning to bloom into that chick in so many ways. But I’m realizing that
when it comes to hair, I’m just not that kind of chick. Since getting my hair
cut for the second time (almost 6 inches total cut off since May!) a few weeks
ago, I’ve been playing around with my hair, trying to get a feel for what it
can do, what my abilities and inclinations are. And I see that I am not the one.
It’s just more work than I want to do. PERIOD. I could blame my health – thanks
to some of my diseases I have muscle deterioration and blood clotting issues,
so always having my arms above my head is just not something I can do. But
really, I just don’t want to spend SO MUCH TIME dealing with my hair, only for
it to come out in a way that requires even more time fixing. Remember, I HATE
the salon, but at least someone else is doing my hair! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">So I’m
in this weird place of trying to ride out the whole ‘growing out my texturizer
so I can actually <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be</i> natural’ process
and finding a few hair styles that will get me there, or chop it all the hell
off and be done, or keep the occasional texturizer but still chop it the hell
off (in a little pixie style maybe??). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";">I really
don’t know what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Help. </span></div>
angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-24080999912886272432013-10-03T14:41:00.002-07:002014-10-03T06:48:11.934-07:00We Got A Love Thang...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kgaFeGd4Lno/Uk4s_wGa5DI/AAAAAAAABLE/ozFMIF3rP6M/s1600/lovehim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Today is my wedding anniversary and I’m going to
let you in on some of my random thoughts and feelings about him, about us, and
just some of how he is…</span><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1SFZ6D4WQQ/Uk5DVUzII9I/AAAAAAAABME/V38pmmx_BYg/s1600/wedding+pic.JPG" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1SFZ6D4WQQ/Uk5DVUzII9I/AAAAAAAABME/V38pmmx_BYg/s320/wedding+pic.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wedding on the beach at sunset in Ocho Rios</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kgaFeGd4Lno/Uk4s_wGa5DI/AAAAAAAABLE/ozFMIF3rP6M/s1600/lovehim.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Gosh I am in love with my husband. I love him. I
truly do. And it has nothing to do with familiarity due to time. He’s the
strong silent type - physically, emotionally, and character. That’s so sexy to
me. And I know he loves me, adores me without question. All of me. COMPLETELY. I
don't have to hide. He kisses my boo-boos. He believes… no, he <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i>knows</i> </b>I can do anything. He
thinks I’m pretty. I think he is FOINE. We flirt with each other…. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A LOT</i></b>.
I am his queen and he is my king. He is my biggest fan and loudest cheerleader.
My personal bodyguard and protector. I don’t ever have to worry. He knows that I
trust him to lead our family because he knows I have his back in the most
fiercest of ways. We trust each other with our lives.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HF8lnZ5JTqA/Uk470JmxWqI/AAAAAAAABLo/YxFyZa-fRgU/s1600/me+and+juan+inparis.JPG" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HF8lnZ5JTqA/Uk470JmxWqI/AAAAAAAABLo/YxFyZa-fRgU/s320/me+and+juan+inparis.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Musee D'Orsay Paris 2008</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span>I love it when he sees me struggling to make it
up the stairs. He comes behind me and whisks me up in his arms, quietly,
gently. Yes, he’s sexy to me, still after 22 years. And I am to him. Don’t get
me started about the lovemaking…. Yeah, still. Even after 22 years. “Dayum!”‘Nuff
said. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I love the way he looks at me when he thinks I
don’t see him. </span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I love how hard he works for us. </span>Though not the best communicator, he’s tender and loving. He
loves our daughter in the way a dad should - active, engaged, and concerned. He
combs her hair almost better than I can, and I love the way he looks at and
watches her. He loves to laugh, sometimes too much, and always looks for the
bright side no matter how pitch black it actually is. I love that he tempers me
like chocolate and helps me get and stay balanced, sometimes with just a glance
my way. A patient student, he allows me my mistakes while I figure out how to
show him how to love me. He really does listen, even though he ignores most of
what I say. He does not suffers fools, believes in femininity yet loves a strong woman.
Has no problem donning an apron or hand washing my bras. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1SFZ6D4WQQ/Uk5DVUzII9I/AAAAAAAABME/V38pmmx_BYg/s1600/wedding+pic.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f2tpSlhJ0jQ/Uk45B_U75wI/AAAAAAAABLg/N3TSzL7nvNY/s1600/IMG_0016.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f2tpSlhJ0jQ/Uk45B_U75wI/AAAAAAAABLg/N3TSzL7nvNY/s200/IMG_0016.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In first class on an Air France flight 2011</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
love it when he works in the yard, or on the cars. I love his arms. His
shoulders. His legs. I love cuttin his hair with clippers or shaving him with a
straight razor and cream. I love his 3 o'clock shadow. I love when he gets in
someone’s ass for being disrespectful. That bass in his voice.... yes.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ve
been through it these last several years with my health. I mean things that
would rip most marriages apart, but yet we are only stronger; we love and
appreciate each other more and more. He can be amazing. </span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Again,
he is not perfect. I am not perfect. However, we are truly perfect together
(most of the time, lol!!). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Happy Anniversary to US! </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kgaFeGd4Lno/Uk4s_wGa5DI/AAAAAAAABLE/ozFMIF3rP6M/s1600/lovehim.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kgaFeGd4Lno/Uk4s_wGa5DI/AAAAAAAABLE/ozFMIF3rP6M/s320/lovehim.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--M_IA9L0524/Uk449oK9OxI/AAAAAAAABLY/sUtD17IYnR8/s1600/chicago+021.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HF8lnZ5JTqA/Uk470JmxWqI/AAAAAAAABLo/YxFyZa-fRgU/s1600/me+and+juan+inparis.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f2tpSlhJ0jQ/Uk45B_U75wI/AAAAAAAABLg/N3TSzL7nvNY/s1600/IMG_0016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif";"></span></div>
angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-6978228828026014462013-09-10T14:24:00.003-07:002014-01-25T21:53:06.792-08:00He Was Great<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/DTK_ewDZKMA" width="480"></iframe><br />
i had a dog. his name was malik. he was great. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-96QUJ9x1ZEo/Ui-I7yJD7-I/AAAAAAAABKg/cwfvH2RPLc0/s1600/malik.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-96QUJ9x1ZEo/Ui-I7yJD7-I/AAAAAAAABKg/cwfvH2RPLc0/s320/malik.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
and i miss him so very terribly.<br />
<br />
he saved my life. not once, but twice. well, actually, if you count the many times he reminded me to take my medications.... anyway, we had just bought our house, and i had taken part of the day off to scheduled all the service to be checked out and/or connected - gas, lights, cable, etc... and juan told me to take malik with me, give him a chance to check out the backyard since we hadn't actually moved in yet. all the workers cam and went, quite uneventful, until the cable guy came.<br />
<br />
malik, 208 pounds at the time, a very lazy and unaffected creature, and in a way that was very much not like most dogs, normally could care less about most things, especially if they're humans talking business. but milliseconds before the doorbell rang, he went BANANAS. i - mean - B.A.N.A.N.A.S. i had never seen him like that - barking and snarling and jumping. he was behaving in such a crazy way that i had to take him outside. while there, he ripped the screen door off and i was afraid he was going to break through the sliding glass door! malik clearly didn't like this guy, who kept begging me to come inside and go upstairs to show him what should go where. mind you, we hadn't moved in a stick of furniture yet, it was obvious where the connections were and there was nothing for him to take.<br />
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ultimately the guy finally left, discouraged and clearly afraid of malik. before he pulled away in his truck, i get a call from the cable company dispatcher saying their guy can't make it because the previous appointment ran over. almost on cue, malik, looking for an ear rub as reward for his performance, nudged me out of my shock and i was able to gather my wits about me and get part of the guys license plate and call the police. they caught him at the entrance of our subdivision. i won't go into too much more detail, but will say that that guy had been robbing, beating and molesting women in the area.<br />
<br />
tears. he truly was great. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iIAzTZfykuE/Ui-IzxlnBbI/AAAAAAAABKY/_tsH5j0m4C8/s1600/malik+and+lauren.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iIAzTZfykuE/Ui-IzxlnBbI/AAAAAAAABKY/_tsH5j0m4C8/s320/malik+and+lauren.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a>he had a way with ladybug that was just amazing. there's a commercial running now where this humongous great dane allows a little girl to dress him up and paint his nails. yep, malik. he was her body pillow, her pacifier, her partner in crime. when she was 2 years old and wanted a snack, she'd bat her eyes at him and he knew his mission. i always kept a bowl of fruit and her favorite crackers on the bar counter, and in only his stealth way, he'd get on his hind legs somehow and get her snacks. i still have no idea how he could do it.<br />
<br />
and oh that face. that lazy, "ah, c'mon" or "who...me?", or "don't even think about grabbing that lead and talking ME for a walk" look.<br />
<br />
i ache for him. tears.<br />
<br />
there's a song that i've had on my ipod for at least a year, don't remember when or how i found it, but it's now used in a fabulous purina dog commercial. now, i don't mean to begrudge my cat loving friends and followers, but... there's just something about dogs. especially my dog. malik. and this song, along with the commercial, makes me miss him so much more.<br />
<br />
he's been gone for almost 4 years now. but he's with me every moment. every day. <br />
<br />
i had a dog. and he was great. <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a97y8KwNC1Q/Ui-KjTS6irI/AAAAAAAABK0/ih0xQ1fitZg/s1600/DSC_0135.JPG" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a97y8KwNC1Q/Ui-KjTS6irI/AAAAAAAABK0/ih0xQ1fitZg/s320/DSC_0135.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Malik ~ 1996-2009 </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-74933994099203184842013-08-26T22:32:00.001-07:002014-01-25T21:54:27.818-08:00She's Strong!<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<![endif]--><u><b>*** LONG ***</b></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Summer is
OVER and school has started…WOOO-HOOO!! This has been a very busy summer for
ladybug, hence for me. She’s done a sleep away camp and a six week sports camp at
UC Berkeley, which really kept her busy. They did a different sport every hour
for six hours, every day! Ladybug went from dodge ball to tennis to water polo to chess to
archery…. She came home exhausted each day and <b><i>LOVED</i></b> it! LOL!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m glad she
had such a great summer, but do regret not arranging more play dates for her. I
realize that she needs more interaction in that way, especially given our new
school situation. We decided to move her to a new school, for reasons I’ll
detail later, but bottom line ladybug needed a different environment both academically
and socially. And it had been an extremely difficult year for her. We had taken
her from the only place she’s ever known, what had come to be a cocoon of
sorts, and a whole community of friends she knew as family <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>– good, bad, and ugly- and moved her (fifteen
miles away) to a new environment that was completely foreign to her. New
teachers, new kids, and new ways of doing things. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was so
hard for her both academically and socially. The kids were slow to warm to her and just weren’t very
welcoming, <b><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FOR MOST OF THE YEAR</span></i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i> She
even ran into her first real bully. She did everything she could – initiated
conversations and interaction; joined Girl Scouts, Volleyball, and Band. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nothing</i></b>.
You see, they just wouldn't interact with her ‘willingly’, and they just didn’t <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">see</i>’</b>
her, like she was invisible, and that’s more painful than them being mean to
her. And like at the old school she was ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the only
one</i>’ in her class - the only African American, which I do feel played a small
role in her difficulties. I didn’t see it at first I think because I was more focused on what everyone else was saying... that it's a difficult age/grade; that kids/girls at this stage can be so harsh/mean; etc... The school,
although primarily Caucasian, is in the middle of urban
area and pretty diverse compared to her old school, but her class is the only one that has
no clearly identifiable African American students. There's one boy that I think
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">may</i> be black, but honestly, he could
easily be identified as two or three other nationalities before black. Even
though the school is relatively diverse for the type of school and where it
is, her class is not, and I feel that most of the kids suffer from lack of exposure and basic manners (at least that’s how
they behave) which was more of an issue. She was not made to feel welcomed on the most basic of levels, was ignored, and as her mom, it was more than extremely
painful and difficult to watch my beloved be treated such a way. Even her teacher could see what was going on, and it broke her heart too. To her credit, and the principals, we met often to discuss the situation, they tried hard to see our side and understand, and tried to address it as best as they could. But then, how can you legislate good and decent behavior, and basic manners? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We usually got to school a
bit early and would sit in the car listening to music to motivate her, talking about
this and that, then her regular “have a great day, daddy loves you” call to
Juan (she’s grumpy if she doesn’t talk to him before she heads off to class!).
This has become one of our many 'favorite times of the day', but one morning in late February she sat
in my lap (in the car) and cried. She was so tired of dealing with it all. She
just couldn’t understand what was wrong, why they treated her the way they did. Oh,
my heart broke for her. There was more crying later that night at
bedtime. This time she really boohooed, and I told her to let it all out, that
she deserved and had earned a good hard cry! I cried with her. For her. And for me as her mom, not knowing how to help her, short of burning the damn place down. It was all I
could do to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">NOT</i></b> walk up to those kids, and their moms, and smack the hell
out of most of them! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Juan and I
told ladybug to buck up and let them know she wasn’t a punk. I also gave her
what I wished I had been given… Detailed insider info from someone who’s been
there, and still remembers intimately what it’s like to be 11 and in the sixth grade. So I
told her exactly what to say, what not to say, and how to say it; how and when to
react, or not; we even role played and practiced too. I can’t fight her battles
for her, so I want her to be as prepared as possible so that was the best I
felt I could do at that moment – without going to jail!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We told her that
she's the new girl, who still hugs and kisses her mom openly, plus she has a mom who walks with a funky cane and 'wiggles' (tremors) a lot. We also explained that, in a way it wasn’t the kids’ fault, really, that it was due to lack of home training
in the most basic areas of manners and politeness – it starts at home! And it
showed. Even the moms weren’t very welcoming to me either. Don’t get me wrong,
they were always ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">polite</i>'. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>However, very stand-offish, or even curious (I was once grilled about our background and pedigree by a seemingly rude mom who showed little civility) it
was painfully clear that many of them didn’t care to get to know me, or their children know mine. As do
the parent, so does the child… or something like that. Only two or three moms actually stepped up and said “welcome”, and one then immediately offered up a play date with her
daughter, which I readily and happily accepted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>hey seemed to get along great, and she had a great time at ladybugs
birthday party too. However, the young lady was always quite cool towards
ladybug at school, and it seemed she didn’t want any classmates to know she’d done
any socializing with the new kid. Ladybug was hurt and confused, said even though she ignores her at times, the girl has never been mean to her. I explained the whole peer pressure thing and that, to me, she just seems extremely shy. Oh how I hoped that was the case.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I could weep
as I replay this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Is it a
sixth grade thing? An eleven-twelve year old thing? A tween girl thing? A socio-economic/race thing? Probably
a mix of all of the above. To an extent, I don't blame the parents either. They're busy living their lives, rushing to soccer, dance, volleyball, work, etc... I'm sure the whole concept of diversity, and how to teach their kids about it, just doesn't occur to them. Let's be real, most of the families at this school probably don't really come in to much meaningful contact with those of a different back ground, no let me not sugar coat it, black folk, outside of having them ring/bag up their groceries, selling them something at a retail store, seeing them standing at a bus stop on their way to and fro - if they even notice. What's probably more likely is as the subject of a news piece about crime or some other kind of foolishness on the evening news. I digress, don't mean to turn this into political commentary, will save for another post... I say all this to say that it's amazing how what we think, or don't think about, what we're comfortable with or not, effects how and what we think, therefore, how we behave. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Then again, maybe I was spoiled at our old school. Yes, the teachers were warm and friendly, but incompetent, uninspired, and severely restricted. The administration/principal was horribly lazy, allowed bad situations to fester and often instigated or made them worse, and just didn't want to be there. The kids were smart asses, precocious, and into things that just weren't appropriate for their age (even though it was an older class where most of them were a full two years older than ladybug). And yes, some of the parents were a hot mess - I had to go to the Diocease about one family in particular, I wrote about it <a href="http://princesstinybutt.blogspot.com/2008/03/just-dont-know-where-to-begin.html" target="_blank">here</a>...DRAMA! But the kids loved ladybug, showed me respect and many showed me affection, and all had manners and were polite (I can overlook or forgive quite a bit if someones polite or has good manners). And almost all parents were simply amazing. Most of us actually liked and loved each other, enjoyed and wanted to spend time together, we even started a monthly 'moms night out' in first grade, that continues and I'm still part of today!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Anyway,
ladybug survived of course, and brilliantly I might add. Although hard most of
the time, both socially and academically (looks like there's some minor learning challenges probably due to prematurity...I’ll fill you in on that later!), it
really was the best 10 months because it gave Juan and I an amazing opportunity to teach her some critically important life lessons about who she is and what she's all about, that we couldn’t have
re-created any better. Ladybug is better for it. </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She
is able to see and identify bullshit and call it out for what it is... if she so chooses. She knows exactly who she is and what she's all about (as an 11 year old) , and is clear about her convictions. She just continues to amaze me really. Other than the one day of double
melt downs -in the car then again at bedtime - she never once let those
kids get under her skin; never once allowed this new and strange and
unwelcoming environment affect who she is at her core in any negative
way; and <u><i><b>she never gave up</b></i></u>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A coward she is not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Be well ♥
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angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-23047678641796047662013-07-09T01:34:00.001-07:002013-07-09T11:20:26.410-07:00i CAN handle it<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">hey y'all,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">i've
been doing it again. hiding from my blog. i don't mean to, really. i'll be
driving or walking or gardening or reading or praying or whatever, then have a
thought that i say to myself "ooh, i'm gonna blog about that". so
i'll sit to write, start a few words, then begin to feel guilty and overwhelmed
with all that i could have blogged about. all that i should have blogged about.
all that i didn't blog about. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">and
i just stop. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">yep,
chicken out. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">it's
not like each thought i felt blogworthy was an exercise in laying my soul bare,
peeling back yet another layer to expose consciousness and awareness. naahh...
although there have been a few incidents and revelations where my first thought
afterwards was of this place, my beloved blog (however i do have a journal
too). but honestly, not most of the time. most of the time, it's revelations,
insights, and observations on things ocurring in my mildly intriguing version
of everyday. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">and
it all matters to me. it all matters, no matter how mundane, because this is
the forum i chose, need really, to pour it all out. mainly because i needed
something more 'real' than my journals. it was anonymous but not. and at the
time, i needed that kind of, that. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">so
back to the dance of being back. <i>again</i>. but why '<i>again</i>'? the real
question is why do i leave, or get overwhelmed, or chicken out, in the first
place? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">i
see now that i'm struggling, still, with my new reality - who and what i am '<i>sick</i>'?
and how does that relates to everything in my life now? you see, i see now that
my health truly does affect everything, it touches everything in my live. it's
also stripped the blinders off in ways that have been wholly unexpected. i see
things now, and people, much clearer. at times too clear. and this, along with
hindsight, has allowed me to see that i've been dealing with such massive and
ridiculous bullshit, laughable really. most of the time i don't think some of
the people around me - a select few, some close to me - even realize that i see
them now for who and what they are, in a way that would convict with just one
glance. but only if they realized...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">and
at times it's scary. at times i feel like i'm not woman enough, grown up enough,
wise enough to handle it. To decipher and understand it. and this blog,
blogging, represents my attempts to figuring it all out. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">so,
yeah... i get overwhelmed at times, with all that's going on, all that's been,
the 'aha' moments. but i will always come back. because this is a journey. my
journey to be me, authentically me and all that that means. yes, i <b><i>can </i></b>handle
it. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">thanks
for always being here.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">be
well ♥</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-25184697284268444892013-05-01T19:28:00.000-07:002013-05-01T19:29:56.148-07:00MAY IS LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">may is one of my favorite months. i used to wish my birthday was during this month. it signals spring, rebirth, the end of school, beginning of summer. i've always loved may. i love it now for a different reason.... </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <b>MAY is</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />LUPUS
is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just
as devastating as other horrific and scary things like cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few
other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may
sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega
of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and
the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my
cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the
LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.<br /><br />my LUPUS causes so
many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my
heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain, my joints, bones, and muscles. i have other issues with these
same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed
connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, every
reaching. it keeps me from driving, working ('officially'), making and
keeping engagements - both personal and professional. it keeps me from crafting, gardening and
cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, friends, family, and
doing for myself. it keeps me bound to a walker or a cane or a wheelchair. it makes me struggle to find my words and understand ones spoken
to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows magazines and
books. it keeps me from rockin' my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and
hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going
to feel, or be every single day that i wake up, and from hour to hour. i'm in
constant, <i>constant</i> pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a
scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a regular day
for me. and then there's the seizures.....<br /><br />it's unpredictable nature keeps
me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most, and i
can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take my confidence and my
audacity to truly <i><b>LIVE</b></i> in spite of it, away from me. and i hate it. i
hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it
continually tries to do to my life.<br /><br />this is a horrible and
insidious disease that has no cure that will kill if given the chance. it strikes (mostly)
women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of
their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a
family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this
disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">so yes, LUPUS is NO JOKE. and someone you know is affected in some way - either directly or indirectly by this disease. please support them however you can. this fight is hard, and the battle is still raging on. stay tuned during the month for more info about the disease, it's symptoms, and when to go to the doctor. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">be well♥</span>angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-62150081643027360762013-04-25T23:32:00.002-07:002013-07-09T01:11:19.333-07:00guilt? sure. but not for this.for the fist time ever, i used my health as an excuse, and i feel badly about it. guilty. i didn't actually lie about my health - "<i>i can't make it because i have a doctor appt</i>"; "<i>i'm just not feeling well</i>" - no, i just let this someone believe my absence was due to my health. because this someone has a vested interest in my health, me not doing well in particular, the deception wasn't too hard actually. i know that seems morbid. <br />
<br />
so why did i do it? i just didn't want to deal with this someone. a key someone. a someone i have to deal with on a regular basis for both personal and professional things. yes, there's history here. this someone has always been a pill, but is now extremely difficult to interact with and in the most basic of ways. getting a simple question answered without it becoming a one way fussing session about absolutely nothing, or a half-assed attempt at <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gaslighting" target="_blank">gaslighting</a>, and/or then ending with me getting thrown under the bus.<br />
<br />
at times this someone seems to be downright hostile towards me and i'm honestly at a loss for why. i've stopped wondering, hell, i've stopped caring really because i don't put up with bullshit from this or any of the other particular someones. especially ridiculous, no rhyme or reason, manipulative, "<i>what the hell are you talking about</i>?!" bullshit. life is truly just too short. <br />
<br />
yes, i used my health as an excuse. no, i've actually never done it before, for any reason. honestly. it's a kind of taboo for me. like the third rail of the chronic/critical/terminal illness rule book. so yes, i did use my health as an excuse. and i do feel a bit guilty for doing it. but not for <i><b>why</b></i> i did it. <br />
<br />
be well ♥angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290900848703573088.post-72742645806184292882013-04-01T22:24:00.000-07:002013-05-01T19:28:49.328-07:00Resurrection and Rebirthhappy belated easter to you all, i pray that it was a day filled love.<br />
<br />
<br />
easter, along with Lent, is now over. my family and i participate each year, especially being catholic. i'm blessed and fortunate to have been raised both catholic and baptist, so yes - i had bible study, choir practice and sunday school along with confession, first communion, and confirmation. so each year i get my list ready, it's usually pretty straight forward - cut back on the juices, maybe no swearing, give up junk food, plus weekly fasting. the basics.<br />
<br />
but this year was very differently. a few days in to Lent, it just came to me to do it differently this time but didn't know what to do. all i knew was that this time, i wanted to come out on the other side of this thing truly changed. so i stopped what i was doing, chucked the regular 'Lent list', and for three days i really thought about what i could do to bring that about.<br />
<br />
the first thing i thought of was how much my spirit had been so uneasy for a while and how i just wanted peace and balance. so i began to think of ways to get back that peace and i remembered what i had previously posted about <a href="http://princesstinybutt.blogspot.com/2013/02/lay-our-burdens-down.html" target="_blank">LAYING MY BURDENS DOWN </a>, which is all about speaking my truth <u><i><b>all of the time.</b></i></u> i've always been truthful, sometimes to a fault, but until then, i hadn't done so with two key relationships in my life (my parents), and i decided in that moment that that's what i needed to do. it was what God wanted me to do. so i did.<br />
<br />
i also decided to be very mindful of what i sad, my thoughts, my actions and reactions. i counted to 5 before i answered almost everything. i ordered my thoughts and cast out any that weren't positive or didn't do me any good in some way. i examined my feelings in the moment if i could - "why does/did that make me feel this way?" - to better understand my thinking and therefore my actions/reactions. also, i discovered that people dump their energy off on us, consciously or not, and we take it right on without even realizing it! so taking that count seems to allow me to time to check the other persons energy with a clear mind, then i can decide how to proceed without their energy imposing on me.<br />
<br />
"peace be still" <br />
<br />
next, i decided to be still. just. be. still. which for me meant to disconnect from technology, no facebook, twitter, tv, and my favorite pastime of listening to talk radio. i went days with noting going but quiet, pages turning, the sound of my own breathing, the birds outside, and the wind. i found that i could actually hear myself think. i found that things came to me quicker, my thinking is clearer. i'm much more decisive. this lead me to meditation. i'd never been big on it, but several days in to my revamped Lent, i saw that Oprah and Depak Chopra were doing a 21 day meditation challenge that would actually end on easter! i took that as a sign and decided to do it.<br />
<br />
this Lent has been nothing but revelations and confirmations for me. i truly do see much more clearly now than before. all these things along with a 2 week cleanse, fasting, and drinking nothing but water and tea, have allowed me not just to see, but know more than ever before that <i><u><b>God is real</b></u></i>. He is real and present in everything, <i>all of the time</i>.<br />
<br />
so yes, when i woke up yesterday morning, i truly was changed. reborn and resurrected. i feel i've just scratched the surface. this has been the best Lent ever.<br />
<br />
be well!angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13457899003599997045noreply@blogger.com4