Princess TinyButt of the Ity Bity Tity Committee

10 Years Ago Today... Ode to Ladybug

2011-11-29T16:02:00.000-08:00

hi everyone!

10 years ago today God blessed me with a wonderful creature - Lauren Camille, ladybug. today is ladybug's 10th birthday. at 5:39pm and 17 seconds to be exact. wow. double digits. i'm actually, unexpectedly, having a hard time with it. ok parents of older, multiple kids... how do you handle your children growing up? how do you cope with the fear and anxiety of it all? so far, i've just focused on the positive and deal with whatever else comes up as it comes. i guess that's all i can do. i love her so.

she's a true miracle. i was told i couldn't conceive, let alone actually carry a child to term. i had already lost 2 before her, and once since (as recently as 3 years ago). i was sick for most of my pregnancy. really sick. and amazingly she was just fine. it got to the point where my body couldn't go on any longer, and ladybug was delivered at 32 weeks. a tiny tiny thing who needed no medical support at all. my OB/GYN still marvels at that. and my was she tiny. too tiny for me to touch - even the preemie clothing was too big for her! i was afraid of her. to look at her now, 10 years later, you'd never know she was a preemie. nothing but God.

I Have A Confession To Make:

i love ladybug. lauren camille. i love her. no, I LOVE HER. still no. that's not enough. those words just aren't enough. ok, i just looked up some synonyms for love: adoration, tenderness, affection, devotion, on and on.... nope, still not enough. not enough to truly capture and express what i feel about her. for her.

she makes me feel so many other things as well, that to me all seem to be related to the love and pure adoration i have for her : frustration, passion, fear, frustration, anger, giddiness, fascination, and amazement. and the need to protect her and guard her with my life.

i find that all i want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her. be near her. smell her, well.... not smell her all the time, she's now 10 after all, lol!. but you get what i'm saying, right? i love her nose, the way she pouches out her lips. i love just watching her. how she 'zones out' when she's totally into a movie. how her eyes truly light up when she's excited. the sounds she makes, hearing her make up a song about birds. watching her play by herself. i love her curly hair (most of the time), and i love it when she asks me questions and is really listening to my answer as if life itself depended on it. i love how she touches me. oh, to watch her sleep. especially that. how many of you check on your kids in the middle of the night while they're sleep? i do. i wake up and creep into her room, and listen for her breathing, a light snore if she's had a full day. if i can't hear her, then i creep closer, carefully though, not to wake her up. and touch her, to make sure, you know? yeah, you do.

and the absolute best thing ever?? when she calls me 'mommy'. there's a particular way she says it that just makes my heart soar. and then there's the way she says it when she's up to no doggone good, lol. and yes, that one brings me joy too.

it's not often that she's up to no good. really. juan and i are constantly wondering if and when the 'other shoe is gonna drop'. she was an easy baby. and easy toddler. and an easy kid. really. she's openly compassionate, caring, thoughtful, and empathetic. if anything, these things get her into trouble at times, because she's so busy thinking of everyone else that she forgets to handle her own business! she's not a whiner, comes home and gets right to her homework without much ado, doesn't complain about taking a bath, and is always looking for ways to help around the house. again - she'd rather help me unload the dishwasher and sweep the kitchen than clean her own room!

now don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those parents who puts their kid on a pedestal, and feels they can do no wrong. ladybug is no angel and can be a real 'pill' if you know what i mean. she's notorious for telling it like it is, and will throw you under the bus in a new york second all in the name of truth. but a truly sweet and gentle soul she is.

i just pray that she doesn't wake up one day and all has changed!

my favorite part of the day is the beginning. in the morning, she gets up and gets in our bed after juan has gone to work, and we laugh, cuddle, giggle, chat, and play before it's time to get ready for school. what a wonderful way for me to start my day! she, for me, is pure joy. it's a love that is total, complete, and all consuming love for my daughter. my joy. my ladybug. mmmmm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE

~ mommy

14 Years Ago Today...

2011-10-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

greetings everyone!

surrounded by some of my most cherished friends and family on a beautiful jamaican beach at sunset 14 years ago today i said "I DO".

i said "I DO" to a man who is truly my partner, my friend, my critic, my lover, my loudest cheerleader and biggest fan. my caretaker. he see's the very best in me all of the time. even when i'm truly not at my best.

like most men, he's not perfect. his communication skills need work. he's stubborn. he often only hears what he wants to hear. he's a bit more then just a little narcissistic and passive aggressive. yes, he's far from perfect. but unlike most men, he loves me in the most perfectly imperfect way, and that's just perfect to me!

if you don't know by now, i can be a handful and a little bit more than a notion. i know my own mind and i can be as stubborn as a charging bull. i'm sure that at least twice each month for the last 18 of the total 21 years we've been joined at the hip, my dear husband wonders what the heck he's gotten himself into by marrying me.

we've been through alot together. when the minister says "for better or for worse", no one truly thinks of the 'worse' really. in our simple, newly married minds the 'worse' is a vague and distant thing, almost intangible in a way. 'worse' happens to other people. well, it has happened/is happening to us. as many of you know i've been stricken with several nasty autoimmune diseases, one in particular has the distinction of being terminal (the nerve!!), and he and i have been through some things that would rip many couples apart.we are only better and stronger.

i am so very thankful for juan. for his poise. his quiet strength and knowing. his discipline. for his wit and ability to laugh at himself. his tenderness and care. i'm thankful for how he takes care of ladybug and i. for his trust. his gentleness. his willingness to do whatever it takes to make me happy. his honesty. but most of all, i am so very thankful for his love.

be well friends :)

i know, i know... LOL!!

2011-09-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

hey hey hey! it's me and i'm doing well :)

i've just been busy beyond belief. you'd think i would have spent this time 'recovering from my transplant ordeal last year, but NOOOO.... c'mon, it's ME. i just can't help it.

so what have i been up to?

- working on my foundation The Butterfly Project for Lupus (http://thebutterflyprojectfoundation.blogspot.com, and u can follow us on FaceBook too)

- gardening, sorry no pics from the beginning, our camera is on it's last legs and i'm lazy about downloading pics from my phone. but so far i've grown 2 types of carrots, 5 different types of tomatoes (roma, sweet 100's, cherry, yellow pear, and 'SF Fog'), tons and tons of slender sweet haricot vert (those skinny fancy green beans - LOVE them!), tons of different types of lettuces, 3 types of zucchini, several colorful sweet peppers - both regular and mini sizes.sage, rosemary, thyme, tarragon, and chives. oh and the flowers! tons of dahlia's, irish belles, fixgloves, jasmine, giant zinnias (they're over 5 feet tall!!), hummingbird penstamons, princess lillies. i'm so proud of myself because i started them all from seed!!! YES! so now i'm getting my winter crops - cabbage, broccoli, more lettuce,spinach, carrots, and my peppers should be still going strong thru november. i'm a happy girl :)

- then there's 'work'... i've got alot on my plate. many of you already know that i run, with my dad, a boutique financial and small business consulting services firm where i also run my life coaching practice from as well (coachangela.com and my new coaching blog which is under construction!). i had to put my coaching workshops on hiatus, and turn down or refer out several new clients for a little bit while i recovered from my procedures last yer, but i'm back to being busy now. it's a blessing to be self employed, be able ot work with my dad in a business that's thriving (even in this economy!), and that i love what i do and what i do truly touches people in ways that always amaze me!

- and then of course there's my family! the first love of my life - dearest juan my hubby, is still hanging in there. i swear, he must love me because he keeps coming home everyday, lol! i give him such a hard time, but i think he secretly loves it because he loves to fuss. and goodness knows i give him ample opportunity, lol! then there's my most beloved ladybug. she had a banner track season, again, and made it to the Junior Olympics in New Orleans earlier this year, but we didn't go. we chose to go home to atlanta (juan's home and my adopted one since college) for a much needed visit, and we had a blast. it's also where i got addicted to "piece of cake" cupcakes. oh they're truly dangerous. the best way to describe them is this review from Yelp "You literally have no idea. You just don't. This level of foodgasm-inducing dessert is so beyond your realm of understanding, it should have its own planet...Seriously." that's what i would have said, lol!

anyway, now that you're sort of caught up on everything. please know that i'll be much better about posting, because i really love to do it. i've just got to find the time and energy now, especially since i've started two other blogs and FaceBook accounts to maintain. but know that i'm back, and with pictures, lol!

be well friends :)

please know, that some one you know....

2011-05-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

whew! and yes, again, it's been a while! but i have been busy and in a good way. my health you ask? well, as with everything - there have been ups and downs, but overall - I"M STILL HERE!

MAY IS LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH

LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.

my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain. i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, ever reaching. it keeps me from driving, working 'officially', making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional, from crafting and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, my friends, my family, and myself. it keeps me from finding my words and understanding those spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows and books. it keeps me from rocking my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every day that i wake up, and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a good and regular day for me. and the seizures..... they rob me of so much too.

it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most people, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take away from me my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.

this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure and can kill. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends, yet there's little to nothing in the form of support, resources, and major awareness out there for those suffering from and living with LUPUS. especially in the medical community - so many go mis or undiagnosed.

because of this, and my own frustration with the lack of services and programs, i have started a charitable non profit specifically for women at risk, the newly diagnosed, and warriors living with LUPUS here in my area = THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT for LUPUS. my goal is for this to become a national organization. we are currently registered as an exempt non profit corporation here in california, and are awaiting our federal exemption status at a 501(c)3. we're working on our website now and it will be up soon (www.thebutterflyprojectfoundation.org), as well as the rest of the details, and i will keep you posted so stay tuned!

this is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and someone you know has lupus. please donate and find out more about how you can help those of us with LUPUS by going to www.lupus.org

be well :)

2011-02-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

hey y'all!

hope your weekend was a great one. it was rainy and cold, the kind of days to do nothing because it's just too messy, light a fire, curl up with hot chocolate and read a book days. so i loafed around, procrastinating and skipping out on things i should have been doing - like chores, helping juan fold clothes, and washing ladybugs hair. i love her hair, but HATE washing it. it's beyond curly - as soon as i brush it out, it curls right back up as if it never know a brush or comb.

anyway, sunday i had to made a quick run to trader joes for a bag of lentils to go with dinner, and as usual, the parking lot was like a motorcross obstacle course. people totally not paying attention, doing their best to beat out the other for a good parking spot. fake smiles of acknowledgment as people rush to get to where ever they were going. i noticed a bit of a traffic jam as i headed to my T5, and just as i fell in into it and began to get settle for my drive back home, a young man walked up to the passenger side and tapped on the window - he really startled me. his car had stalled, the reason for the traffic jam, and asked if i could give him a jump, he had his own cables. a weird feeling came over me, and i looked him straight in the eye as i said "i'm so sorry you're stuck, unfortunately i can't help, i've got to get back...". he thanked me and flagged down an oncoming truck. i paused before backing out to see if he would help him.... nope. then as i made my way around to the exit/entrance, which was where the guy was stuck, i cased to see if anyone was helping... no luck.

the light changed and as i pulled off, an overwhelming feeling of guilt and abandonment came over me. i felt so bad, and it continued through the day, so i tried to figure out what that was about. why didn't i help someone in need. for no good reason really? that's not me. it drives juan crazy that i go out of my way to help people, if i can.

was it because it was cold and raining? that's not stopped me before. was it his appearance? that he looked a bit hoodlum-ish, as well as his car? again, that's not stopped me before. i didn't know, and it bothered me. so i thought on it for a while, and came to the conclusion that it had to me my instinct telling me to 'get'. for whatever reason, it wanted me, needed me, to get home.

did something bad happen later? like one of those crazy stories of coincidence? not that i know of. hey, who knows why i didn't stop to help. but i do know that i listened to my instinct, and 'got'! listening to it is something that can be so hard to do. learning when to and when not to heed it can be such a challenge, especially us women.

we don't know what this universe holds for us and figuring out how to release it's blessings is an ongoing journey, but one of the keys, i feel, is our instinct, and learning to trust it.

just like faith.

i'm back.....yes, again, lol!

2011-02-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

well hey there!

how's things? i meant to post on valentine's day, to let you all know that i was sending love. i hope you all had a day full of love...i did!

so, yes, i'm back and SO MUCH has happened to where i would say to myself "ooh, i'm gonna blog this!", but yet there's still the same 'ole, same 'ole. everyone is well - juan and ladybug. she joined the 4th grade volleyball team at school, and began tennis and is turning out to be a natural athlete - like her mommy! yes, she's still running track and the season (along with the scheduling madness) has started. she did decide to drop girl scouts, of which i was disappointed, but totally understand why. with her schedule, she just didn't have the time, plus, she loves the other activities more than GS. and as for juan..? well, he's still chasing me around, trying to make me 'behave'. so no, not much has changed in that area!

as you see from my previous post, i was hospitalized for most of the fall, from early september to mid december, initially for my lung disease flaring up (pulmonary fibrosis), then that lead to a lung infection which kept me in isolation for two whole weeks - i could not leave my room and visitors were restricted to just immediate family for 14 days! yes, i was able to see my beloved ladybug practically daily, even though she was on the 'restricted list' because children are cootie factories, but thank God for the nurses - they just looked the other way!

for ladybug, this is one of her favorite places! mainly because the nurses spoil her rotten!

this was my 'home away from home'.

speaks for itself.

this is the monstrosity that cycles the blood/bone marrow and plasma in and out of my body. it's like dialysis in a way

i tried to capture the plasma and marrow going in/coming out. it's all heated too!

this is some of the plasma and blood product meds they treated me with over the 3 weeks

it wasn't all smiles

this contraption protruding from my neck is called a 'pigtail', and it's how all the blood/marrow and plasma gets in and out

the nurses love ladybug so much, and we spend so much time there, that they give her gifts!

juan's bed - yes, he stayed with me most nights. he and ladybug spent weekends

but i'm doing so much better now. the battle is still raging on though, just not at the previous levels. i was in the middle of a course of chemo last month when i suddenly and dramatically began to loose my hearing, to the point that i'm wearing a hearing aid. the docs aren't sure what's going on and are totally dumbfounded - i'm feeling sorry for my ENT specialist because you can see the frustration and desire to fix this for me (he's in love with ladybug) in his eyes and face. well, at least i can hear something - better than nothing. the benefits are that i can hear ladybug or juan being a little smart asses when they think i can't hear them - busted, lol!

overall, i'm on the mend and looking for some trouble to get myself into, lol!

so please stay tuned, because ....I'M BACK!

yes, i've been away... and a happy turkiey day!

2010-11-26T01:59:00.000-08:00

i'm so sorry everyone. i've been away, and it hasn't been too good. i've been struggling with my body, trying to get it to understand that it's needed, wanted, very much. doing my best to let it know just how respected, admired, and loved it is.

i've been in the hospital for the last 5 weeks, with a previous 2 weeks before this spent in isolation. what's going on with me? it's been a long and drawn out journey, too complicated to even bother to explain at this very moment, but worth doing, and i will. however, just know for now that 'this time' it involves my central nervous system (brain), lungs, and the docs were having a tough time getting things under control. it was a step shy from 'touch and go'.

poor juan, he was doing all he could to figure out what our options were, with both of us being highly suspicious of 2 medications that we felt the side effects were causing some of the issues they were wanting to 'treat'. and unfortunately, i could only participate so much because of the state i was in - incoherent, going into/coming out of seizures. i could feel his frustration, understood it, wanted to ease it. but couldn't. i had to let him work it out on his own. he wanted me off certain meds NOW, but that wasn't feasible;l he was indignant with the staff and docs, it was interesting for a while. but again, i had to understand that this was 'his' way of taking care of me, protecting me, in the only way he knew how.

neurologically things got really bad really fast, so it was decided to move forward with bone marrow and plasmapharises 'exchanges' and filtration (??), i am now on the mend! where'd i get the blood and bone marrow? juan. yes, juan!! he's my match, literally

i hope to have some pics up soon - juan keeps forgetting the camera (i think on purpose!), i may try to upload the pics from my fancy new camera!

i broke down and got a fancy shmancy new phone, or i should say juan made me do it - no, it's not the i-phone (no kool-aid drinking here!), i got the sprint 4g EVO and i LOVE it!!! i'm a fairly proficient techie, so should be up and running on this thing soon enough - i hope!

well, please know that i'm doing much better now with a few more weeks to go. hopefully i can get some pics up i got using my new phone.

be well!

we are always where we are supposed to be

2010-08-19T00:49:00.000-07:00

hey y'all,

** no, i'm not high anymore, just feeling crappy **

as you know, i wrapped up a round of chemo yesterday and am home. i have alot to tell about just that day, yesterday, but will continue with an amazingly divine encounter i had yesterday with another chemo patient.

i bee-bopped in, as i always do, chatty and glad handing the nurses (my buddies) and any patients if there, since i usually get there early to get my favorite bed. we all know why we're there, some having their last battle, some are scared newbies, most like me - in a kind of purgatory/hell/limbo. life being held hostage by disease, with no time to mourn because we have to fight.

so as i was bee-bopping in, i noticed a young lady, seemed young, and clearly uncomfortable, aggitated. she was on the phone at the time so i didn't get a chance to do my glad handing. as juan got ladybug and i settled in and unpacked (i'm there for 6 hours depending), i could feel that young lady's spirit. uneasy, frustrated, scared, tired.

juan hung around and we chatted, flirted. the nursed goofed around with ladybug while she had her breakfast. then, once he left, the nurses got me re-hooked up, i got my laptop up, and ladybug was engrossed with her DSi, it was just us and it got quiet. and that young lady's spirit was raging.

i couldn't help watching her, out of the corner of my eye mind you - didnt' want to seem like i was stalking her form across the room. i could just feel something about to happen. like vibrations. then the rage caught up and came out as the nurses were hooking her up. she broke down.

everything in me ached for her, so i jumped out of my bed, practically ripped the i.v. pumps plugs from the wall, and some how, made it over to her bed and climbed in. the heavy petting my fantabulous chemo nurses do just wasn't enough at that moment. that young lady needed to be held. needed to be told it really would be ok, that she could let it out, be angry, tired, frustrated, scared, but that she still has plenty of fight left because she's made it this far, too far, to just give up and in now. so i did just that. then i wiped her tears, held her head as she vomited.

in that moment, we connected on a level i can honestly say i never had before. we didn't even know each others names yet. after introducing myself, i gave her round two of my little 'stock' pep talk, let her know that she's a fierce warrior who deserves a 'break'. a 'pity party' even, but that she had to get up when done. and if she felt she just couldn't, then to call me, and that i will help her.

interesting thing though... usually we have a full house - all four beds. but this day, it was just us two. we are always where we are supposed to be, at any given moment.

yesterday blessed me. wiping her face, letting her crawl up in my little lap, that somehow was able to hold her (i'm not called tinybutt for nothing!), those moments blessed me. filled me. and i'm so thankful. thank you april.

life is good. life is amazing. and i love it!

be well :)

and of course there's pictures!

guess who showed up, out of the blue, with treats! i love my daddy

look at that feast - double burger AND nuggets!

happy camper

nap time. isn't that MY bed?!

done with chemo .... for now

2010-08-18T02:43:00.000-07:00

*** DISCLAIMER ** This post is a major gabfest due to my being under the influence of some, 'ah-em' heavy duty DEA Class II and a few CLASS 1 legally prescribed drugs, please forgive, lol***

hey y'all! i am soooo high and full of energy!! it's the drugs for sure. i always HATE day two because it's the drug from hell, (truly!), but i'm usually pumped up on steroids and some seriously hardcore pain medication so i'm feeling good (jealous?? DON'T BE), and am bouncing all over the place like an atom, and can't shut up to save my life. juan hates day 2 as well, lol! but today was particularly hard, and i had a couple of crisis, so they had to "pump me up!"

and i had my ladybug there with me all day. so i hate to have 'issues' while she's within ear or eye shot. however, she's so damn good! i was writhing in pain and trying very hard not to let on just how bad it was. she was busy multi tasking with her DSi and watching I-Carly, i thought i was faking the funk by pretending to be on my laptop. well this girl began rubbing my arm, they gently stroked my arm down to my hand and clutched it perfectly. she rubbed it while saying "hang on mommy it will be ok, just squeeze my hand if you have to, i can take it because can take it". MY GOD. then my nurse came in and she motioned to her. the nurse, Ms. Pat, new what to do and when into action. she normally asks me what i want to do, but i think she took one look at ladybug and what she was doing (and with a straight face like this for damn sure aint her first rodeo), and sprung into action. i dont' think i've ever gotten my drugs so fast, lol! i swear, i just dont' believe this kid sometimes - her grace, her gentleness and gentility, her pure and honest compassion and empathy. and it's not just for me, because i'm her mom - she's like this with almost everyone/everything that she cares about, but not willy nilly.. she's like her dad, she doesn't like everybody, but knows how to be polite - thank God, because her dad doesn't, lol!

so, i'm done with day 4, which completes one round. yep, just ONE round of chemo is a total of FOUR infusions over a two week period. fun. around the time i started this blog, i was undergoing treatment either weekly, or every other week (every two weeks), PLUS weekly labs, MRI's, scans, pulmonary function tests, lugging around oxygen tanks, blah, blah, blah.... for almost a year and a half. i was EXHAUSTED. no... EXHAUSTED. and i felt the treatment was killing me faster than the diseases! and all while trying to maintain my life as i knew it (past tense at the time). so i, yes, I made an executive decision to terminate regular and what seemed to be infinite chemotherapy treatments primarily for the caner and severe lupus (cns/multi system-sle). i told them that i needed to give my body a chance to heal itself. i had enough training to know that that's what the body is designed and programmed to do. so we would only do chemo "PRN", which means "On An AS NEEDED BASIS". we set up the parameters for me, and it required additional 'regular' testing for monitoring the diseases and their symptoms, and it's sort of worked...so far i guess, hell, i'm still here and i'm way more pain, and i may have given my opportunistic diseases a window of opportunity, i'm having a helluva a better time now than before, lol! can't beat that!

there's so much more i want to talk about, and lord knows i've got WAAAY too much energy (does it register in this post??), i'm gonna stop here and leave you with some pics of my day. don't give up, there's alot of them so i'll try to break them up over 2 or three days.

i will for sure post tomorrow because i had a most Godly and divine experience today with another chemo patient...and i'm still processing it because it was so profound and meaningful and just a compete and utter blessing. i'm still so full from it (and yes, it all happened BEFORE i got loaded, just who do you think i am?)

up and around - as always!

not a good shot of my tricked out ride. it's still not cute!

not happy, no joy

happiness and joy

again, it was a busy day and there are more pics to come from it, so come back tomorrow ~ it will be worth it. have a good night, well a good morning - it's 2:33 am as i sign off.
be well my friends :)

green around the gills

2010-08-08T20:09:00.001-07:00

i'm quite sick and haven't been outta bed in a few days - i won't go into details. but today i just HAD to see my garden and get some fresh air, i couldn't take it anymore.

so when i step out into the garden from the kitchen, this is what i see. once i got out there this morning, saw some zucchini ready to be picked, and broccoli almost. the tomatoes are going like gangbusters! i'm going to have yellow pear tomatoes for months.

i just love looking at everything, even when the yards a mess like today. the zucchini plants are just gorgeous to look at (to me), and it just amazes me how things grow. you see my little bell pepper? i'm so proud!

back to bed....

enjoy and be well :)

confession

2010-08-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

my name is angela and i watch "bethenny getting married" (and like her).

there. said it.

am i a big reality tv watcher? nope. i'm not a fan, and i won't get into how i feel about them. do i watch them? yep, there are a few shows i watch from time to time, but none regularly, faithfully.

as for bethenny getting married, and it's star.... i do like. i really do. there's something about her that's me... really. and i like it.

so there. think of me what you will.

be well :)

not so hot

2010-08-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

today's just ok. the yucky-ness is starting a bit sooner than i had anticipated, a lot sooner than normal. so i'm not so hot. what was i thinking, trying to blog everyday after chemo? NUTS!!!

it began with me having to rush to get up to get ladybug to day camp because hubby just couldn't make it back in time. honestly, i didn't think i could do it. but once i got behind the wheel of my beloved T5, feeling the engine hum, vibrate... it woke me up. got my brain and my spirit in the right place.

i love my car. she takes care of me. she took care of me today. got me, and my ladybug to and fro safely. before i knew it, i was back on my comfy blue sofa like nothing happened. but then the garden called me.... i couldn't help it, so i went.

and it felt good.

and now...right now? i feel like crap, to over simplify it. the nausea, the pain, the chemo fog. but it still was a great day! good night friends.

be well :)

i hate day 2...

2010-08-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

i hate day 2. i really hate day 2. CYTOXAN is the drug of the devil. there just is no other way for me to put it. it steals my sense of smell, my taste, my hunger, my desire, my passion....it steals me. well, for about a month at least. pay no attention to that drug induced smile.

don't mind me, i'm just pissy because i can't enjoy this ice cream i so patiently waited til hubby went to bed to have... to sneak actually. i might as well be eating tin foil (mouth sores) and mud. now my once quiet stomach is beginning to churn, and the waves of nausea that are usually like background noise is getting louder. so i'm watching it melt. that's how bad it is. irony... sigh.... i hate day 2.

well, at least i'm still enjoying the little bit high left over from the great medications given as a parting gift - "thank you for playing chemo roulette, please come back soon". and thanks to one of my very, very nice chemo nurses who was so kind to slip me a several extra doses of (for me) the life saving Zofran for the overwhelming nausea and "green-ness" i experience soon after treatment. don't get me wrong, i'm still facing living hell in a few days, probably even more so because of the situation - my docs have significantly increased the doses of all the chemo drugs - so i'm scared - but the zofran is definitely going to make it at least a little bit bearable. now that i think about it... i bet ya that's why she gave them to me?! hmpf.

enough about all that depressing, boring, so not cute stuff. do you want to hear about how hubby just pissed me off?? nah.... you want to see some more pictures of my garden, don't ya?!? me too!!

these will bring you up to just two weeks ago, except for the pic of me in the hospital... that's from earlier today. lots of blooms this time... enjoy!

ps... thanks for the great feed back, i really appreciate it! and warning... i'm in love with zucchini blossoms:p LASTLY... i've got to figure this darn picture function - it can't be too darn hard, right??

chemo - round 2, day 1 & my garden

2010-08-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

hey there,

i've gotten through day 1 of my second round of chemo this year. for me and my treatments, one round of chemo is actually 4 infusions lasting about 6 hours each, over a two week period. i go two days back to back with 2-3 drugs (depending), then wait two weeks, and do it exactly the same again. i have a 7-10 day quarantine after each infusions, so one round literally takes about a month out of my life.

the first drug they give me on day one really isn't so bad... as chemo's go, lol! they give me drugs to make me sleep - LOVE THAT! - and they monitor me every 15 minutes for the first 3 hours, then every 30 minutes for the rest. so really, no sleeping actually going on, just a drug induced stupor. but i always sleep really good when i get home...nice. i have a port in my chest so that they can literally 'plug' me up to all the I.V.'s, and they leave them attached over night. ladybug loves that. she loves everything that has to do with me going to and being in the hospital.... oh well, maybe i'll get a doctor or a nurse outta this?

no on to my garden.... (ala, the majority of my NaBloPoMo topic)

like a said, it's growing like gang busters so here's a few pics from the end of june - this is a month and a half growth! and i just had no idea how big the zucchini would get, lol! i had to chop it down, but don't worry, it's doing just fine. i hope you enjoy.

be well friends :)

NaBloPoMo - Yes, it's been a while!

2010-08-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

hey y'all!

yes, it's been a while since i've posted and in a way alot has been going on.

first, i'm going to kick my blogging off with trying my darnedest to participate in NaBloPoMo this month. it's when you post every day for one month continually on a particular topic. the topic for august is "Green" and other than talking about money and my garden, i have not other ideas, but hopefully more will come to me as i blog.

so for the updates:

- ladybug made it to the NATIONAL JUNIOR OLYMPICS in VIRGINIA!! yep, we are still amazed that she did it, and in 3 events - 200m, 100m, and the 4x100m relay! her medals are gorgeous and incredibly heavy. and yes, pictures of course!

- my life coaching practice (TurningPoint/Coach Angela) is definitely keeping me busy, and that's a good think because that means there are more and more women out there who are realizing their worth, and deciding to work on themselves, their relationships, they're financial, and employment situations. i'm working on new workshops for 2011, so stay tuned!

- i'm in the process of starting a charitable not for profit specifically for those recently diagnosed, fighting against, and more importantly, living with Lupus - THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT (site is under construction). i've selected the board members (and everyone has so graciously accepted), incorporated, filed state and federal tax exemptions for 501(c)3. i've got the state tax exemption, but the fed will take a while unfortunately. i'm working on the first fundraiser, but am going to wait til i've got everything i need to be able to say "your donation/gift is tax deductible". even though it's ok to do actual fundraising before the federal certification (i think you have up to 27 months), as long as you are incorporated and have at least the state certification. but until i get that i'd feel like i was taking peoples money 'unofficially'.

- health wise i've had my ups and downs - more downs in some areas, more ups in others. it's been a good year heart and lung wise, but not so much neurologically. we've been knocking around the idea of a bone marrow/plasma transplant thingy since late january (see short post), and like only i can, i've been putting it off. well, actually, i can't take all the credit. my doc's haven't been in agreement on whether or not to do the procedure because my heart and lung doctors, and rheumatologist are concerned that my heart/lungs can't handle the procedure. so we've been adjusting the medications and i had an intense couple rounds of chemo in february, and there's been no improvement, only decline.

so i start more chemo tomorrow morning and if there's no improvement, then we'll go through with the transplant procedures. hubby is not happy because he wants me to skip the chemo and get the transplant done. why? well he feels the chemo isn't working, and that all it does is make me sick with no payoff. i understand where he's coming from, it's tough for him to see me go through chemo. but i appreciate the doctors caution.

let's see.... i think that's it. so lets get on with the NaBloPoMo topic - GREEN.
and i'm going to give you a quick update on my garden! it's going like gangbusters! i'm a newbie so i've had a few mishaps, but nothing catastrophic. as a newbie i've made classic newbie mistakes like planting things waaaay to close, and not catching cabbage worms quick enough. but all in all, things are going well. i've managed to harvest 3 heads of broccoli, 5 zucchini, about 4 cups of green beans, and one small tomato.

i'll give you more on my garden in the upcoming weeks, so stay tuned!

more dirty talk..... !

2010-06-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

hey y'all!! its farmer tinybutt!

well, so much has been going on and i must apologize for not blogging about much of it. i promise, i will be better... TRUST ME.

so i'm working at becoming more proficient with this, and am excited at the prospect of feeling like i know what the heck i'm doing. so far other than the ongoing herb cuttings (rosemary, thyme, sage, parsley, tarragon), i've had only a couple harvests - spinach and lettuces. the lettuces are an ongoing thing, you cut/trim, they grow back. but we've had several early and unusual heat waves here in the bay area, so my spinach 'bolted' on me, which means it puts all it's energy into making seeds and not growing or producing fruit. depending on what plant it is, it can be a bad thing to a not too bad thing. some veggies that bolt can still be eaten, like spinach, but the longer you keep them growing, the more bitter (bitterer..?) they get.

so i've been worried about my cabbage and broccoli because of the heat as they are cold weather crops, along with the lettuces. i have lost 3 cabbages, one to suspected bolting, and the other 2 to aphids - nasty, creepy, dastardly little buggers that can be extremely hard to get rid of. it doesn't take long for them to quadruple-ply, they can be hard to manage, and depending on the plant, can destroy it in short order. then there are cabbage caterpillars that can/will eat your leafy green gardens then turn into seemingly cute little white butterflies, but wrong - they're moths that come back and lay they're caterpillar eggs again. ... sigh!

but i'm encouraged though! i have many, many little green beans, lots of little squashes, a few little green tomatoes, and finally - a itty bitty broccoli head!! it makes me so happy. i still have alot to do with the yard/garden for sure, but i'm just amazed at the fact that i've planted things in the ground and they're actually growing! in the meantime, here are some pics of my amazing little piece of paradise.

be well and enjoy

AS OF THIS EVENING:

getting dirty..... no, not that!

2010-05-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

growing up i was very much a tomboy, a 'blue' kind of girl who very much wanted to be a 'pink' kind of girl. blue came naturally, and was just easier since i was my father's son for the first 10 years of my life, til my little brother came along. but i longed to be a pink....i just didn't know how. i always thought that i really was pink somewhere inside, more than just longing and wanting to be, simply because i didn't like to get dirty!

i hated getting dirty. i would throw a game of run down if it meant that i'd have to slide into some dirt. i remember passing on playing my most favorite-ist childhood game - jacks! all because i didn't want to sit in the dirt. i especially hate/hated dirt under my fingernails.

fast forward to now. i'm elbow deep in dirt. and not just dirt - compost and manure - and i love it! do i know what i'm doing? nope, not really. but as each day passes, everything looks better and better. well, my bok choi was looking a bit peaked, so i had to replant them closer to the house and fence so they'll get more shade, and they've perked right up! i'm so happy because i was so worried about them.

gardening makes me happy. truly happy. and i'm thankful.

my new venture.... yes, another one

2010-05-13T12:48:00.001-07:00

as you've seen from the post below... i've taken up gardening. hubby built two 3ft x 3ft raised beds that are about 16 inches deep and filled them with good old fashion organic compost - all in one day! boy do i love that man!

on moms day we went to the garden supply and nursery to pick up the things we/i needed and i got to it on monday and tuesday. i'm trying hard not make what the 'certified nursery professional' called a classic newbie mistake, by going overboard with all my plantings. i'm trying to be smart about the space i have, which is not alot, and the amount of sun i get (about 5-6 hours max), and what i want to grow/eat.

we don't have a lot of backyard space in general, but its just right for us, so i'm trying to balance the growing space with patio/entertaining space with where the sun actually is for most of the day. and it's not easy! we've been on a search for the perfect patio furniture for at least 2 years now and still no luck. i don't want to spend an arm and 2 legs, but still want something with a little flair i had no idea just how hard that would be. so now summer is fast upon our heels and we still have nothing. well, actually, we may have found a compromise at a local store. yeah, if we get that set we'd be settling, but hey, i want to actually sit out, or maybe even take a nap in my backyard this summer!!! i will have a set by the end of next week if its the last thing i do!

now, back to the veggie garden... so i'm going to try to grow -
3 types of tomatoes - sweet 100's, yellow pears, and early girls
3 kinds of summer squash - green empire zuc's, and yellow straight necks
italian bush beans (green beans)
bok choy
2 types of sweet peppers - red and green bells
collard greens
cabbage
spinach
broccoli
various salad greens - mesculin mix, romaine, red leaf
various herbs - rosemary, thyme, sage, french tarragon, genovese basil, and parsley

so what do you think? enough huh? i know! and after i plant all that, i'll still have those big wine barrels left to fill!! hmm... corn? carrots? rainbow swish chard? i'm so happy i could scream!!

be well :)

mommy's day

2010-05-12T18:45:00.001-07:00

this is late, but i've been just too pooped, and my fingers have been too swollen and too much pain to type.

well, i do hope that all the mommies out there who deserved to have a great day for them, did. i know i did!

it began with hubby dearest getting ladybug and i up at the almost the crack of dawn - 7:30 am - he let me sleep in! we went off to breakfast, then he took me to my all time favorite kitchen/cooking store - Sur Le Table - and let me pick out several things, but most important, he 'made' me get my beloved Le Creuset!!!! i have been a crazy fiend for these pots for at least 10 years! my granny had 3 that are at least 40 years old, i just don't know what's happened to them. so, i hemmed and hawed about whether or not to get those pots til dh walked up behind me and told the sales lady that i'll take the purple ones. he said that that's why he brought me in the first place, and that he would have just done it himself only he didn't anticipate there being two different purples (purple is my favorite color), both of which he thought i'd like (he was right). i melted right then and there!

then off we headed to the nursery to get the supplies we needed for the raised bed garden that dh built for me. i was showered with cards from my brother, mother, and father, and then dinner was made for me! all and all i had a great day! here are a few pics... please enjoy!

SOMEONE YOU KNOW...

2010-05-10T08:28:00.001-07:00

may (along with august) has always been my favorite named month of the year. yes, there are other months i love, but the word (or name) MAY... i love the most (again, with august).

and MAY is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and this very day is WORLD LUPUS DAY.

LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.

my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain. i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, every reaching. it keeps me from driving, working 'officially', making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional, from crafting and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, friends, family, and myself. it keeps me from finding my words and understanding those spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows and books. it keeps me from rocking my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every day that i wake up and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a good and regular day for me. and the seizures.....

it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it, away from me. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.

this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure and can kill. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends, yet there's little to nothing in the form of support, resources, and major awareness out there for those suffering from and living with LUPUS. especially in the medical community - so many go mis or undiagnosed.

because of this, and my own frustration with the lack of services and programs, i have started a charitable non profit specifically for women at risk, the newly diagnosed, and warriors living with LUPUS here in my area = THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT for LUPUS. my goal is for this to become a national organization. we are currently registered as an exempt non profit corporation here in california, and are awaiting our federal exemption status at a 501(c)3. we're working on our website now and it will be up soon (www.thebutterflyprojectfoundation.org), as well as the rest of the details, and i will keep you posted so stay tuned!

this is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and someone you know has lupus. please donate and find out more about how you can help those of us with LUPUS by going to www.lupus.org

be well!

decisions, decisons.... compromise.

2010-04-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

life is filled with decisions. some good, some not, some just moot. some where you spend days on end agonizing over them to the point that it may have taken a few months off your life, only to find that all those mackanations were for not.

there was a time when i used to not mind so much about having to make them. that was when life was much less complicated. do i play checkers or monopoly? do my homework now, or later? as i grew into my life they got a bit weightier - do i hang out with this crowd or that one? break curfew or not? try that cigarette/joint or not? beat down that chick who was talking trash about me or not? (couldn't resist, lol!) have sex now or wait?

decisions....

as an adult is when things get real. take this job or that. be my own boss? marry or date. let go or hang onto childhood friends who haven't grown as you have. dealing with the mother who's having issues with the grown up you. children now, later, or not at all.

now, it's become much harder. because of my health. so.... do i take a shower, or unload the dishwasher? take a short walk, or vacuum? work with a few clients, or help ladybug with homework? make love (and not be able to do nothing else for at least a day), or craft? (like that's even close, lol! i love to make love!) cook, or blog? ladybugs field trip/track meet, or run errands? run errands, or do a little bit of housework? sweep, or have lunch with glo? do a bit of housework, or take an always much needed nap? however, those who know me, know that i'm gonna do what i want, when and how i want. but still.....

decisions....

as i've said so many times before.... i'm the type that almost MUST have tons of stuff going on. i've always been busy and i've been able to be that way with few catastrophes because i'm organized, i care, have (had) tons of energy, and am able to make decisions. i've always been a good decision maker. i have a fail proof process for it. i weigh the pros and cons, make a list if a have to - i'm big on that! if i see it then it becomes real yet not so daunting for me. then i pull the trigger.

but lately it's a struggle. and i hate it. i hate having to make these kinds of decisions. but i do. and i hate feeling like i'm not sure if i'm doing it well. and now i'm finding that i'm postponing having to make them. procrastinating. even agonizing a bit. well.... alot. i'm struggling with what to, how to handle this. hoping it will get easier. but in reality, in my heart, i know it won't.

so how to i live with my not so new reality? i guess i'll continue to figure it out as i go. but hate it.

meanwhile.... it's been just beautiful here and i'm anxious for juan to get my raised bed veggie garden up. i miss my garden so much. 2 years ago the retaining wall behind my neighbors yard cracked in a major way and we had a literal river running through our backyard adn it washed away all my beautiful flowers and plants - my hydrangeas, tulips, jasmine, hyacinth, jade..... sigh. my crafting fairy godmommy patty has an amazing garden and i'm always coveting, so she came by in fairy godmother fashion and left a beautiful pot of roses on my doorstep!!

here are some pics of the roses she gave me, and the cherry blossom tree that's exploding in front of my house... my house smells incredible!

be well

revelation and vulnerability

2010-04-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

very recently i was struggling with an issue - how i felt about clients who've seen/read my blog. last week a few clients (independent of each other), both current and past, somehow stumbled upon my blog and have now seen some of my 'stuff'. now i don't make it a secret, but i don't hype it either. this place is for me and my stuff to just be. no expectations, no judgment. free-to-be-me-ness.

it really bothered me at first. knowing that some of my clients have seen my personal blog where i've openly discussed some of my 'stuff'. i was almost speechless when the first client mentioned it, which is an event in itself. i didn't know what to say, if anything at all. other than the truth. but it got me to thinking about how i felt about being so exposed in that kind of way and why. honestly, this very reason is why i've been posting intermittenly this last year.

now i'm not shy at all...... have no problem sharing me with the world...... never meet a stranger..... yada, yada, yada. but not really. i've realized, through this blog and reading others, that the kind of sharing i supposedly do so well, is not the kind of sharing that the supposed anonymity that the blogosphere fosters. this blogging thing allows you to feel safe and protected in such a way that the removal of any boundaries, anything keeping you from 'letting go' and becoming vulnerable, disappear. this blogging thing allows you to feel like it's just you, you, and only you, AND that you are apart of a larger community - all at once.

here i began to share in such a way i'd never done before. i talked honestly and harshly and openly about all the fears in my dark little heart. i began to let go of the composed, professional, warm and always funny self who always took care of everyone else, always had the answer (or at least a way to find it). began to allow myself to be vulnerable in such a way i'd never done before. which was, is, the whole point of me starting this blog. i need that. i need to get back to challenging myself emotionally with myself. so when i was in a particularly sad, dark, fearful place one day and posted about it, the responses, though supportive, loving, and kind, jolted me back into that protected zone i have. the open, gregarious, and outgoing snail retreated back to the emotional shell she didn't even realize she had until the blog.

"clients?" you say? well, in addition to running a small to mid sized financial, tax, and small business consulting firm with my father, i am a certified life coach. i have a thriving practice focusing solely on women, helping them focus on themselves, set and achieve goals, and map out a life plan. i focus on money, relationships (love and friends), and employment. there. said it.

i hadn't mentioned my coaching practice much here because i felt this blog is meant for me. i can say and feel what i want, how i want. no professional hang ups. just me and my 'stuff'. not to plug my practice. but as i move through my life, i realize that i am my practice. all of me, and my 'stuff', and that brings value to my practice and the women i'm blessed to help.

so i'm glad that my clients know that i have a blog and can see me, their life coach, work through my own 'stuff' and 'be' in the world. through this blog, happily unexpectedly, i'm learning how to receive, not just give.

and again, i'm thankful.

be well :)

i've got a new luvah....

2010-03-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

take a look at him. a good look. isn't he just the mostest?! he's so sexy!! so hot! i can't barely stand it! oh yes, mama got a new luvah!

no, not him... that's my dear hubby breaking in my new baby! but he's cute too, huh? nothing like a man who knows his way around a kitchen.

anyway, i got a new stove!!! yes! major score! no, it's not the viking i wanted. it wouldn't fit and we aren't redoing the kitchen for a little while - fancy new cabinets, knobs, pulls, and a new faucet.

anyway. it's love.

be well :)

health update

2010-02-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

hey there,

ok, i'm starting to come out of my 'chemo funk'. yes, i'm back to it ... again. i've been having "disease activity and increased symptoms" in my brain so the doc's (my neuro and oncologist) want me to do this plasma and marrow transplant thing that i can't even pronounce - i swear i feel like they make stuff up just for me! i know part of it is something like 'pharesis'. my other doc's (pulmo, cardio, rheumie) wanted me to wait and have a few rounds of chemo first, mainly because they are concerned that the procedure will jeopardize the hard won stability of my heart and lungs. so the second gang of docs are of the 'wait and see' approach with chemo - additional drug to the cocktail and a larger dose - to see if these rounds will get my neuro stuff under control. if not, then that funky sounding plasma/marrow thing. i'd have to be in the hospital for about 6 weeks and the procedure would be sandwiched between chemo treatments.

this round wasn't as bad as the one two weeks ago. that one? OMG, i just wanted to flush myself down the toilet. i don't think it's ever been that bad in all the 4 years of chemo (off and on). but then this round i've been taking the anti nausea drug zofran and in a much higher dose. i've discovered that it makes me high, so i haven't been feeling the effects so much! am i sick? yep. can i keep food down? well, better than before. tired? yes, exhausted! but it's still waaay better than the last round. and i'm actually looking forward to eating!

so the fight continues. i continue to fight.

be well :p

i'm back. no, really...

2010-02-24T00:33:00.000-08:00

hey there. yes, i'm back.

had to take a break and i have no real reason for it really, other than my issues with truly exposing myself in this type of platform. interesting. i have no problem sharing myself, but i am very particular about with whom i do. and i don't like sharing me in any way that leaves me feeling vulnerable.

that's a feeling i'm still trying to get comfy with. you see, i'm the go to person, and that doesn't require me to reveal myself in any meaningful way, unless it's of my choosing. so that puts me at an unfair advantage, get it? also, and this is key, because self disclosure is not required of me during these exchanges, i've gotten comfortable with not doing it.

don't get me wrong. i've got exceptional interpersonal communication skills (hence my thriving and fulfilling life coaching practice - site still under construction!), and can bare it all without hesitation. well no, there is hesitation. there's always hesitation. because there's the possibility of judgment. and who likes that?

i'm blessed with having a way of making people feel connected to me in a very personal and intimate way, so they tend to share everything with me. and sometimes it's more than i need to know. you know what i mean?? i hope that doesn't sound mean because that's now how it's meant. i continue to be honored by the fact that people feel able to confide to me in such a personal way. i treasure that and hold it sacred.

it's just that i'm struggling with this type of exposure, and it's taken me by surprise. so bare with me as i add this to my list of things i'm working through.

as for everything else....

my family is doing well. ladybug is growing like a weed... literally! to see her now you'd never believe that she was a preemie. she's still an amazing sweetheart - easy and easy going, helpful, gentle, caring, empathetic, with an incredible sens of humor and timing for it. now don't get me wrong... she's still an 8 year old kid and has now entered the phase of juan and i having to tell her things over and over and over and over again. basic stuff! "did you brush your teeth?"; "wash your face?"; "did you finish your homework?"; "do you have your clothes ready?". she wonders off into 'la-la land' and sometimes you can actually see her leaving, lol! i sure do hope this is just a phase!

juan is hanging in there. just got a new position at work and he's not too happy about it and neither am i. it seriously cuts into his flexibility and ties him down to the office which is not his thing. and when he's not happy at work, then we're not happy at home.

my extended family? on my daddy's side they're just as fantastic as ever. i just love them! now mommy dearests side, well, there's been alot of drama since november. i'm still shaking my head over it. and it all has to do with mommy dearest. well sort of. my beloved granny passed away (maternal grandmother) and we buried her just 2 days before thanksgiving. and all throughout, mommy dearest showed her ass. and really... that's a whole different post. and i have to post it because i've got to get it out of me. so stay tuned for that one, maybe tomorrow...

now on to my health. well, hmm, let's see... i'm still here!! i've had some ups and downs, and right now, i'm having some downs. actually i'm blogging to you from the hospital while getting day 2 of round 2 of my chemo treatments (cytoxan today...yum! - NOT!). but i'm just about done and hopefully this will do the trick!

so with all that said, what have i been up to? well, with all the drama with mommy dearest and my granny passing, juan decided that we three desperately needed to get away as a family, so we escaped to beautiful lake tahoe. just the three of us. and it was so fabulous! we had 4 days of giggles, good food, relaxing, more giggles and outright gut busting laughter, more good music, some snow (not very much thankfully for driving!) and great weather. and yes, that's me on that inner tube!! i drove juan crazy because he said no, and then i did it anyway!! he was pissed but it was sooo worth it!! enjoy the pics!

then juan surprised me for my christmas birthday with a trip for just the two of us to chicago!! i know, i know... chicago? in january? well yes! and it was FABULOUS!! i just LOVE chicago. the food, the people, the shopping, the people, the food! our hotel was just behind oprah's apartment building there by the drake hotel. i've been there before on many occasions, usually for work though, and have always liked it. i have an uncle and family there. but for some reason, on this trip... i fell in love. i mean deeply in love. new york has always been my luvah, france my divine and ultimate mistress - no one to come close! but now i feel like i'm cheating on them with chicago. and it was so hard to choose which pics to share with you, because i love every one!! sorry...well, enjoy! (ps... had trouble with sizing the pics, not sure if its user error or blogger, so here are some of my chicago picture comments: from top to bottom - that's us heading out for the day, and yes, it was cold!; we walked up and down the gold coast doing one of juans favorite things - shopping for me (i could care less really, give me some food and a good bottle of wine!) - and i guess i should be happy about that. he loves for me to wear nice things. now i did find a pair of killer purple anke boots at brooks brothers and i almost single handedly bought them out along with many boutiques, which i prefer, such as Ikram, Ultimo, and Calypso Christine Celle.then moved on brooks brothers, j.crew, kate spade, and saks where i could fine some of my faves like celine and carolina herrara. but honestly, i really don't like to shop. really. i just extremely admire nice things... thanks daddy and mommy dearest, and now juan :)
it started snowing so we than moved on to the famous giordanos pizza and honestly, we've had better (slanderous i know!), maybe it was the location? or could it have been the fact that i had my wheelchair and they acted like they really didn't want us there because if it. maybe if i had brought my own tricked out set of wheels? just sayin'....; speaking of wheelchairs, i was so ticked off that juan made me stop in the middle of our march to get out of chicago cold, windy snowy night while i was hungry, to take a daggone picture! but anyway, the food overall was just simply amazing!! that alone deserves it's own post!! i have only one regret - i didn't get to go to a cupcake restaurant (i can't think of the name this minute, it's late and everyone's upstairs sleep) because i had had a seizure and juan was not letting me outta that hotel, so he and my uncle went and got some delish outta this world goodies, but didn't tell the guy that i was a good friend of babz!! UHG!! he promised me a second trip back just so i can say hi to him (darius i think). the next day was filled with sightseeing around town and omg was it cold! the high was 26*. i know, that's nothing!; our last night there we spent having late snacks and nightcaps at the observatory in the john hancock building, and it was just magical! as cold as it was, i really didn't want it to end..... sigh

be well

playing catch up....again

2009-10-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

**** THIS POST WAS DONE EARLY MONDAY MORNING ****
well here i am playing catch up again. yeah, yeah, i know ~ it's been a looong while now. sorry. have had alot on my plate, and not. there were day's that i was desperate to blog. especially when there was some little milestone of ladybugs to share, or was needing to vent about something hubby or mommy dearest had done.

but i always come back to the issue i have with how much of me i'm comfortable with sharing. for someone who's happy to share, who shares so much with everyone else, i'm finding it hard to understand why it feels so awkward for me to share here. hmmm....

anyway, it has been an interesting few weeks for sure! the school year is in full swing for my ladybug, and third grade is proving to be a wonderful adventure for her (as well as hubby and i!). she's had her first book report due and it was so much fun! along with the report, she had to do a diorama of her favorite scene in the book. that meant she got to go crazy with all my craft stuff. she was in heaven, and the project was a success.

there's also been a fair share of mama drama as well. i don't think i've ever talked about my mommy (yes, i call her mommy still) and our relationship here in the blog, other than dropping hints like when i call her 'mommy dearest'. yes, it's a very difficult, stressful, and above all else, toxic relationship - one that i really don't like to talk about. not because it's painful, but just that, well.... now after the long pause for a few rounds of computer solitaire in (my name is angela, and i am a computer solitaire addict) i just took to re-evaluate what i was about to say, i realize that yes, it really is painful. there's alot there, and even more so because of what's happened recently, i'll get more into the situation very soon. again, it's just too difficult, and too long for me to share in this post. after all, i'm playing catch up!

so, my life coaching practice is usually pretty steady, but it's going ganbusters right now, which is great! i love what i do oh so very much. it blesses me in such a way that, honestly, i feel, helps keep me going. my clients honor me with their trust and confidence, and i can't tell you how much it humbles me. how i appreciate and hold sacred the relationships i've developed. but i still have tons of work to do! i've got to get my website up and running and i've given myself a deadline of the end of the year. no, i don't need that much time to get a website up, but, well....

well, i've got to start chemotherapy again. yep. here we go again. i was suppose to start last thursday, but got a last minute reprieve. two of my doc's were out of town and weren't going to be back in time. so they pushed it to tomorrow, well today, monday. they both want to be in town due to the fact that i often have a mild reaction to one of the chemo drugs i get.
did i pitch a fit as usual when i got the news that i had to start up again? nope. that's right. i was calm, cool and collected. no pouting, no negotiating, well yes, there was some negotiating (c'mon on, it's me!!). i did pretty good when they told me. and i just can't explain my reaction really. i don't know. it's like i'm in this fog. like "whatever".

bummed? yep. i'm about a week shy of 17 months since my last round of chemo. i was told i'd never make it past 20 months. then that i'd never be able to go more than 3 months without need regular chemo. so going back feels like stepping back. you know that saying.... 3 steps forward, 2 steps back... not sure if i should even be posting about it now because i'm feeling really crappy about having to do this. the timing sucks too. i'm in the middle of creating a few new workshops, there's some new business ideas, contracts, and new business i want to go after. i don't want to be sick over the holidays. and ladybugs birthday is at the end of november. ok, now i'm angry. and ready to fight.

well, it's 2:28 am now so i'd better get in the bed. enjoy these pics.

be well :p

the fight must go on

2009-10-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

october is breast cancer awareness month and i'm glad, because we need to fight it. this is a disease that affects so many, not just women. and this is a disease that can be conquered. but only if we fight.

we must also be mindful that there are several other diseases that are in need of awareness too. that need to be fought just as fiercely as breast cancer.

let's also make the time to honor those still courageously fighting. lets uplift them and cheer them on, leting them know that we are here! i'm blessed to know some incredible people who are currently engaged in battle . they encourage me, inspire me, amaze me. and i'm thankful for them (holly, traci, laurie, miranda, catherine, and yvette).

yes, there's more, much more i'd like to say but i'm not feeling well today, and i'm not as eloquent as i would like to be. so i will leave you with a plea to be aware. be aware of your body, your health, your life. take control of them. make the time and do it now. and please take a moment to see what you can do to advace the fight against breast cancer, along with the many other cruel and vicious disease out there that snatch away the lives of those we love dearly. take a moment this month to remember them. honor them.

be well :)

acting now

2009-08-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

i've just been over to a blog buddy's site (ko johnson) and got blown completely away. that johnson boy said what?!! i'm still processing it, and probably should sleep on it because eventhough i'm totally compelled to write about it right now, i'm certain i'll miss some of the essence of what his post has made, is making me feel. i see now why his blog carries that name. ouch.

to the point. as i've mentioned before, i've been really chewing on several things, one of which is how to proceed with this blog of mine. i had been holding back here for concern of how others would react, how what i post effects others. no more. so back to blogging, however, i'm still struggling with how much and of what to post. so stand by please....

now, back to what that johnson boy said. humpf. here goes.

k.o.'s post is an excerpt from a book actually, and to me, it talks about fear and action. fear and inaction. fear is a powerful emotion and can lead you down some dark roads. because of fear, i found myself mired down in shrubs of inaction. almost completely covered and immobile.

i am also still struggling with who i am now, as someone who is sick and will not get better. and the fear because of it. i've been fighting that fear in all sorts of interesting and dangerous ways. gaining better sense and getting smarter about it i conquer each month. each year. i've been known to say "i used to be stubborn and stupid. now i'm just plain stubborn" in regards to my behavior and the risks i took because of the fear. fear of no longer being angela. no longer being here.

then i had a couple of really bad years healthwise, of which i'm coming out of, and i allowed that fear to render me immobile. due to my health i was forced not to act initially, then unwilling, then becoming unable.

i want me back. oohhh so very badly. me was sharp as a tack (inside and out), quick and polished, fearless, confident, and more than capable. definately a bit cockey, yet humble. always in motion and always about action (amazing what you can see in hindsight). but i can't have me back, not the way that i was. so i've got to figure out who i am now - in addition to my health. i don't want my health to define me, but i have to figure out how to add it as part of my definition. i want to continue to do the things i do best, the things i love to do, living my life. but how as the person that i am now?

i've got to figure all this out. and how?

i will act..... thanks k.o.

be well :)

I will act now.
Never has there been a map, however carefully executed to detail and scale, which carried its owner over even 1 inch of ground. Never has there been a parchment of law, however fair, which prevented one crime. Never has there been a scroll, even such as the one I hold, which earned so much as a penny, or produced a single word of acclamation. Action alone is the tinder which ignites the map, the parchment, this scroll, my dreams, my plans, my goals, into a living force. Action is the food and drink which will nourish my success.

I will act now.
My procrastination which has held me back was born of fear, and now I recognize this secret mined from the depths of all courageous hearts. Now I know that, to conquer fear, I must always act without hesitation, and the flutters in my heart will vanish. Now I know that action reduces the lion of terror to an ant of equanimity.

I will act now.
Only action determines my value in the marketplace, and to multiply my value I will multiply my actions. I will walk where the failure fears to walk. I will work when the failure seeks rest. I will talk when the failure remains silent. I will call on 10 who can buy my goods, while the failure makes grand plans to call on one. I will say it is done before the failure says it is too late.

I will act now.
For now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the evil become good. I am not evil. Tomorrow is the day when the weak become strong. I am not weak. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure.

I will act now.
When the lion is hungry, he eats. When the eagle has thirst, he drinks. Lest they act, both will perish.

I hunger for success. I thirst for happiness and peace of mind. Lest I act, I will perish in a life of failure, misery and sleepless nights. I will command, and I will obey my own command.

I will act now.
Success will not wait. If I delay, she will become betrothed to another and lost to me forever.

This is the time. This is the place. I am the man.

I will act now.

(Excerpt from The Greatest Salesman In The World by Og Mandino)

GO LADYBUG, GOOOH !!!!!!!

2009-07-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

so this time last week we were packing up and heading to reno, nv for the junior olympic trials. ladybug had a great track season, made it to the sub bantam championships, and did surprisingly well at the junior olympic trials - she actually made it to the JUNIOR OLYMPICS in des moine, iowa!!! we are still in shock!! she placed in the 100 meter and 200 meter!! this post is nothing but pics of the reno meet.... enjoy!

she ran saturday, then she qualified for the finals which were sunday. we didn't think she'd qualify because the competition was so seasoned, so we had planned to hand out and play at the resort. poor thing, we had to get her back to the hotel and in the bed, but she and her buddy was not having that! we were staying at the this fabulous resort that had EVERYTHING - a beach, arcades, shopping, go-carts, golf, bungie/sky diving, and sooo much more! so we let them get some swimming in along with some arcade time too!

overall, we had a blast! it was a a neat get way and we are so proud! she placed 2nd and 5 overall, getting a gold and and bronze medales. i had juan take a pic with those medals because he deserves them just as much as ladybug does. he's a great track dad! boy are we proud of our girl-go ladybug, GO!!

be well :)

i know, i know!!!

2009-07-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

it's been a while, sorry. i've been busy, well, sort of. nothing major really, just haven't made the blog a priority this last month or so. i'm working on that because my blog is important to me.

so with that said, let me catch you up on the happenings....

i'll start with my health. all is quiet on that front. i've been stable for a month or so, yet still have my daily challenges. getting around is hard and i'm constantly fighting with hubby about using the walker and the wheelchair, and i will continue to do so. i don't like them, and hate using them. although i concede that i do need them... from time to time. so there!

the bottom line is that i'm still sick and still have very yucky, and very hard days. yes, i am driving a very little bit, which makes me VERY HAPPY!! however, i've had to stop because after going a while with out having any siezures, i've had a few over the holiday weekend because i was probably doing too much, and definately off my routine. that's so very critical for me, to be in a routine, because i'm dealing with, struggling with, trying hard to live with, short term memory loss. so routine is critical. i have good days, not so good days, and fantastic days (regardig my memory). so, no driving for me for a little while. sigh......

things on the work front are going well and i've been quite busy, which i don't mind at all. you see, i'm a certified life coach. i help women to identify, deal with, and move through particular issues in their lives specifically involving work/life balance, finances, and employment/career. day in and day out i help them gain clarity and movement with setting and achieving their goals in these particularly important areas of life - AND I LOVE WHAT I DO!!! it's something i can do from home (or just abotu anywhere for that matter), most of the time, or even in the hospital! as long as i have my laptop, my cell phone, and my headset, i'm good to go, lol! mainly, i get to touch womens lives in a most profound and significant way and that's what and why i love what i do so much. are you passionate about what you do? you should be.

the family is doing well. we got back from reno, nv yesterday and are exhausted (part of why i've been having seizures lately). ladybug had her final track meet and did just fantastically - we are still in amazement! i'll post about that tomorrow (with pics!) because i want to get to fathers day. we had a nice, quiet one, full of love and appreciation. see the pics... i know it's several weeks late, but i hope all the dads out there had a great day too!

be well :)

bittersweetness

2009-06-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

this is an interesting day. with mixed emotions.

as of tomorrow, it will be one year since my last round of chemo. yep. a whole year. 12 months. 52 weeks. three hundred and sixty five days. i was told that i would never be able to go more than 2-3 months without the poison until these diseases prematurely take me outta here.

once i realized that chemotherapy, in some form of regularity, be it a round here and there, or during health crisis, weekly would be a part of my life, i set out determine for it not to be. i began setting little chemo goals in two month increments. and yes, i'd really push it. go as long as i could. yes, there were times when i should have hooked up to my port sooner. yes, i'm sure i probably made myself sicker just because i was trying to 'wait it out'. oh well. i belive the body can heal itself if you give it a chance.

anyway, i can't tell you how excited i am. it didn't occur to me actually til last week at one of my many, many regular doctors appointments - the rheumatologist, the cardiologist, the oncologist, the pulmonologist, the neurologist. hmmm ..... feel like i'm forgetting someone.... oh yeah, the good 'ole internist. at some point, at one of those visits, it dawned on me. the feeling that overcame me is one i don't have words for. i can't describe, but will try.

it feels like i've won something. yeah. that's it. just that .... i've won something. i always thought i'd want to celebrate. like in a big way. but i don't. and i've been chewing on the why of it. then sunday it occured to me that it's because i'm really not outta the woods. i could have some kind of episode, or labs could get really funky, and then off i go to get hooked up again. trepidation is keeping me from wanting to celebrate. and i want to celebrate. i should celebrate. but....

fast forward to today. i had an assessment today for a fancy new fangled form of physical rehab therapy that i was really hoping would be the answer for me. it's called bioness and involves electrical stimulation to various parts of the body to help your gait and get your mobility back. to recap again, the disease moved to my brain now and i have seizures, which effect me like strokes, which has somehow interrupted the communication between my brain and certain parts of my body. so the right side of my body is very difficult to move. i also have severe drop foot, among many, many other issues.

so what happened? sadly, i was turned down. i've got too much stuff happening. on the surface, it really seemed like i was an ideal candidate so my neuro, hubby and i were all geeked about it. but nope. not gonna happen. apparently the electric stimulation to my central nervous system is just too much for my poor little body to handle. i began reacting almost right away - i began tremoring, and eventhough the gadget was hooked up to my right leg, i was feeling it in other parts of my body because the signal goes from where the gadgets attached, to the brain, then back again. but i was insistant on pushing through and getting up to walk. i was gonna walk! ( i have several pairs of 3 to 4 inch heels that are depending on me!!)

i deteriorated quickly and began having issues with my heart, and then had what was probably one of my siezures, but different though. it was all very unusual, and i'm still feeling the effects. it was not to be and it was all i could do to not cry while waiting for the elevator with juan.

so maybe i will celebrate. yes. i will. just don't know how. suggestions? i want to, need to get this taste out of my mouth. taste of bittersweetness.

bittersweetness.

be well, because i am ;p

my roots are for real

2009-05-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

so yes, it's been a long while since i've posted. and it's been intentional.

i had to put some space between me and this blog of mine to remember, and get clear again, why i began it in the first place. a place. my place.

this was to be a place for me, my place, to explore and extract and examine and uncover me. me and my life, as i deal with, battle with, all my health issues. all while documenting the goings and comings, people, places, and things of my life. unabashedly and unashamed and unappologetically.

but i've gotten away from that. you still get 'me', but i'm not being totally real in the way that i had intended. i've pulled back. slowly. i began talking more about this and that, less about me. what i was truly feeling, dealing with, thought. i realized a few months ago that i began to be more concerned with what you would have to say, would think, would feel in regards to what i shared. scared that my rants, detachment, fears.... my honesty.... would worry you. scare you.

in my short time blogging i've been able to reach out, share my voice, and actually touch people. i'm so amazingly humbled by that. i have developed some wonderful and meaningful relationships that have truly blessed me and my life in special ways, and i'm so very thankful.

i can't continue this way because it's not me. so i'm getting back to me. ME. and all that i am and am not and hope to be. my trials, and triumphs, drama, fun, and funk. as well as taking some risks. all as i truly, honestly see fit. so just as my banner says:

"..... this blog is about me. my truth. my honesty & sometimes my denial. my experiences. my emotions,my highs and lows. as raw and open as i can be. just me. my health battles (whaddiya mean terminal??!!). my journey to discover my authentic self before time runs out. my evolution. the random thoughts that cross my mind, and the goings and comings of my sometimes hectic and not always interesting life. so grab a cuppa or a glass of wine, get comfy, and visit for a while!"

thank you and be well ;p

at the lords table

2009-04-27T15:17:00.001-07:00

yes, i know its been a looooong time since i've posted. and i'm working on, out some things regarding the relationshop i have with my blog, so bare with me.

however, in the meantime, i'm here to post about my ladybug. yes, i have a relationship with God. i'm not big on specific, organized religion. i'm a 'recovering catholic' and attend mass about once a month. i do also attend non catholic church as well. i'm more spiritual than religious - take that how you will. for me, it's all about getting your spirit, your soul fed. it's also my responsibility to feed my child's soul, spirit and i do that in many different ways on a daily basis. one of which is teaching her the principles and catechisms of catholicism. yes, i'm 'recovering', however, i do love the solemnity, reverence for God, discipline, and accountability that it teaches.

so with that said, my child recieved her first holy communion yesterday, and it was a beautiful, joy filled, blessed day of love and fellowship.

we decided to have a small get together after the mass ceremony and i decided to keep it small. i only invited immediate family and ladybugs favorite people (except some of her classmates as they were having celebrations of their own). aunie 'D-money', auntie shannon, ms. glo, mr. P, ms. sunshine, all there to support her - the people missing were her auntie 'cc', uncle/goddaddy fred, uncle charles, and ms. babz. how blessed and fortunate am i that my own child loves the same people i do! the very ones that i consider my sisters and brothers - truly!

everyone was worried that i would over do it...whatever.... and spent most of their energy chasing after me. well, i did take it easy-i went to wholefoods, trader, and costco and got a few prepared meals. but you know me, i can never pass up an opportunity to cook. so, i just made a pasta salad of multi colored rotini noodles, baked chicken breast, mulit colored bell pepers, red onion, sliced grape tomatoes, parsley all dressed with my famous/secret creamy garlic-mustard viniagrette. YUM!! i also filled the house with flowers, another opportunity taken advantage of.

anwyway, it was a wonderful day and i am so thankful to know how much my child is loved.

be well :)

ps... i'll add more pics later. ciao!

bionic woman

2009-03-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

well, back in the saddle again. i'm in the hospital. much six months ago to the week from my last stay. i'm known to friends and family for not being the best patient. and i can be difficult. but i mean that in a very good way. yes, i am stubborn. strong willed. determined as all get out. yeah, i do what i want to do - when, and mostly how i want to do it. but that's it. not much trouble at all really.

the nurses say i'm a joy and an inspiration. my PT's and OT's are amzazed at my ability to adapt and flow with the situation. so there, i'm not the superbad hospital *b*i*t*c*h* you all think i am. (well, maybe just a little bit). so i said all that to say that i'm back in the same place i was six months ago. only not really. when i was here last, i was angry. scared. and oh so ready to go home. i was in no mood to be thinking about my life other than how my health is interfering with it.

so now? i welcome this inconvenience. this time out. this opportunity to continue my examination of this, my journey.

then off to chemo. again.

stay tuned because i've got some pics to post of ladybug and i goofing off around the hospital floor and in my room, and then dinner time.

be well :)

here we go again...part 2?

2009-03-04T23:42:00.000-08:00

well, here i am at 11:42pm curled up on my big blue sofa. it's the night before my surgery and i'm exhausted. emotionally. totally drained.

mainly because i am just so very tired of all this health rigamarole. shit really. it's so old now and i'm so over it. i am angry. frustrated. hurt. scared. there. i said it. yeah. that's it.

here i am again. almost exactly 6 months to the day. not as twisted really. just tired of it all. tired as in giving up? hell no. my life is too damn good. no, my life? great! yeah, i could use some work here and there. but i am just so damn tired of this all. this health rigamamarole. it's so very old now and i am so very over it.

and on top of this all, my mommy dearest is at her best. i get that she just doesn't love me like that. how a mommy should love her baby. she can't. and that's fine. tears. i want a mommy right now. tears. need comfort. tears. could really use one right now. tears. oh well.

which brings me to my baby. oh my love, so sweet yes she is. more tears. too many. so here's a portion of the post about ladybug i did the night before the first surgery back in september. every last bit of this is the absolute truth and pretty is much how tongiht went and for how i feel at this very moment.

"...so now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking. about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in the palm of little her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip is so smooth, an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said softly "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's something about the way she says "tomorrow". she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hug from my own mommy, and with the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this....."

thank you everyone!

biking along and other stuff

2009-03-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

in my now ocassionaly usual fashion, i had forgotten to post a few pics and the short stories that go along with them. so the first batch are of ladybug learning how to ride her new bike pop got her as a late christmas present. she got a bike at the wee age of 3 and has been refusing to learn how to ride ever since.
well, my pop was having none of that any longer. two saturdays ago, he came up after her track practice and so he could put a stop to the madness. no grandchild of his was not gonna know how to ride a bike. and that was that. juan and i followed them down the street to the local elementary school and dropped of the bike. we stayed for just a few minutes before pops shooed us off, so we headed home, less than 10 minutes away. well, just as we were pulling into the garage pops called. "come on back, she's ready to show off for you!". juan and i couldn't believe it.

sure enough, she was cycling along with all the confidence of lance armstrong when we pulled up. she had it! now all she wants to do is ride! all she talks about is riding!

now, about ladybugs hair. when i wash her hair i usually put the curls curly q products in her hair. i use the curly q custard, milkshake, and princess glaze on my childs crazy curly, crazy thick, and crazy beautiful hair. i let her rock her curls, twists often, but in ponytails mainly because that girls hair is so thick. ocassionaly i will flat iron it on special ocassionaly so she can wear her bangs. so, after i washed her hair this past saturday, i decided to blowdry it out instead just to 'see'. well HELLO!!!! i created a monster. she knew she was hot.

ok, so in my valentines day post i mentioned a secret admirer, sort of. i got a couple of bouquets of flowers that were just gorgeous. at first i just knew it was my daddy-that's so like him-nope. and we know it wasn't juan *smirk* i called a few more friends/business colleagues-nope. i couldn't figure out who were sending them to me. each day for 3 days, ending on vday. so, i
icalled the flower company to see if they'd clue me in-nope. but i didn't give up! finally a customer service rep slipped and i got to a manager who said they'd call the sender and see if they'd want to be revealed-nope. not completely. just that HE was someone from my past who still very much admirers me, that he ran into a mutual friend whom i'm very close with and that friend mentioned where i was and he found me from that. and..... i still don't know who he is. *sigh...*

be well :)

day for daddies

2009-02-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

well, ladybug and juan are off at the school's annual father daughter dance tonight and i think he was more excited about it than she was. and i am so glad of that. i do what i can so they may develop a special relationship, bond. she loves him, and he adores her. when i was pregnant he made it very clear that 'he' was having a daughter. however, it's hard for him to express his adoration for her in ways that are meaningful and relevant to her. and that's something i'm working very hard on helping him with. he's had no model but his pure love driven determination to figure out how to be a wonderful father truly touches my heart.

it's important to me you see, because i'm a daddy's girl. a hardcore daddy's girl.. i LOVE my "pop's". and i got the rare treat of spending the day working with him. just me and him. and i haven't been able to do that in a VERY LONG TIME. he called last night to say he had no coverage today while he saw clients and worked on taxes. this is our company's busy season (tax time) and since i've been 'really' sick (ie-can't drive), i haven't been in the office to see and know what's going on. it was both quite difficult and fantastically exhilarating for me to be there. i miss it so much. i also see how much of a mess it is, both in organization and cleanliness. and that was so hard for me to see today because that is not pop. you can walk in to his house at any given moment with a white glove and run your fingers over anything, anywhere. ** sigh** i feel the pressure, self inflicted, to get better because he needs me. the business needs me. and i need it.

yes, i can and do work from home. i "see" about 5-7 clients a week (i had more before i got real sick), run about 1-2 seminars a month, and work on company stuff here and there. i do pretty well. actually, i run the company; it's his and ours together. he started it about 27 years ago and handed primary operations over to me about 8 years ago - i am the president/ceo and he's the v.p./cfo. we have 3 seperate yet overlapping practices-tax, non-profit, and small business consulting- and we stay busy. i handle my own life coaching practice, in addition to my regular consulting duties in the areas of HR/Employment, group home administration certification training programs, financial/real estate/mortgage, along with running all back office operations and issues for the company (payables, recievables, contracts, internal payroll, hr, etc..). sounds quite diverse does it? yes and not really. it all overlaps actually. trust me.

so with all that said, i love what i do and the fact that i get to do it with my pops. my daddy. and i hope and pray that my ladybug will do and feel the same about hers.

be well :)

here we go again...

2009-02-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

well, it is now confirmed. i have to have surgery....again. MARCH 5th. you know me, i've been trying to negotiate with the docs, but they were not having any of me and my bullshit this time. well, at least i got my way a little bit... no chemo...for now. i take my victories when, where, and how i can get them.

so what's going on now you ask? i'd like to know myself. my body just isn't able to cooperate with me. poor thing. and i love my body. always have. i like looking at it. oh, sorry... i digress.

like i was saying... i'd like to know what's going on too. yeah, the docs give me their mumbo jumbo about this cell and that platelet, this scan/mri, and that drug response. but frankly, i'm tired of all that crap. what is really going on here?

well, i'm sick. and ... i'm in denial, still. you see, i like to 'forget' that i've got some crazy, truly shitty (is that how you spell shitty? i've always wanted to cuss like a sailor) shit ravaging my body. totally fucking with my life. my life. **sigh** don't these diseases know that i'm busy trying to live my damn life? ok, didn't realize that i am just a bit angry. i had made plans for march!

i've got holes in my bones. they're disintegrating quicker than expected and now i'm leaking bone marrow. apparently that's not a good thing. at least it explains why my labs have been off a bit. it's a little tricky this one because the grafting is happening on my 'good' side, the side of my lower body that's not paralyzed. so the docs aren't sure exactly how they want to rehab me. which i don't understand one bit. don't they rehab one legged people all the time? its just that my bad leg is still attached. so what's the problem? well, at least i talked the surgeon into fixing my other hip while he's in there. looks like i'll be an inch or so taller..WHOOOO-HOOOO!!

but seriously. i'm not happy about this. not at all. and i'm scared. again. and i don't want to be. i'm sad. again. and that's not me. i'm angry. again. and that's not me either. i don't want to be 'this person'. who's sick. but i am. for now.

and this too will pass. because i said so.

be well :)

what do you do when he HATES valentines day?

2009-02-14T23:03:00.000-08:00

you love him anyway.

yes, i must come out of the closet with this one. my dearest hubby HATES valentines day. he feels it has now become way too commercialized. and i get where he's coming from and i agree. really. the love you have for someone should be celebrated everyday. in many little and big ways. and he and i do. now, i'm not the mushy cheezy kind that gets all into it either. it's just that.... well...

he's made it extremely clear that he's not either. and it's been difficult for me these 17+ years with him. to be with someone i love who is violently opposed to this day of love. now don't get me wrong... he has totally come through on this front in ways that has blown my mind and also has left an "awwwe...he is amazing!" on the lips of friends and family. but you see, he's very public with his show's of love. other than love making, it's very minimal, and i usually have to initiate most forms of affection. it just doesn't occur to him...unless it occurs to him.

i am an affectionate person. not needy. just affectionate. not necessarily into "pda" (public demonstrations of affection), but reasonable and relevant shows of affection. hand holding. a rub here, a gentle touch there. and my favorite---great, mindblowing, intriguing, intimate, casual, soul bearing, matter-of-fact, "hey babe, how's your day?...well..." conversation. yes. conversation. its like foreplay for me. especially anything deep and intense and revealing..any topic..just deep and intense and revealing. but that's not him. mr. passive agressive.

so.. i got a couple of beautiful bouquets of flowers delivered to me beginning yesterday. my favorites. the card that came was anonymous, but the words were wonderful. something about being strong, courageous, inspiring, beautiful... all the stuff you'd want to be on a card that was with delivered flowers. i immediately suspected my daddy. that's totally like him!! but no, him it was not. i was very suspicious of hubby because i had figured that he had given in. after all, they were a combination of my top 2 most favorite flowers.

nope. not him.

my gut agreed with him. those were'nt his kind of words. and he would have NEVER had flowers delivered to me. NEVER.

so fast forward to today. this time rose came. and the card a bit more intimate. with talk of my sexiness, and how tinking of me makes them a happier person. that they love and admire me from afar. .... what the hell?!?

nah... had to be juan.

nope. not him.

this time he got a bit huffy puffy at the fact that i asked him intensely if it were him this time or not. "well, send them back" he said. lol!

i called the flower company and they said they'd check to see if the sender wished to stay anonymous. they did. but, the customer service rep did let slip that it was "a man" sending all the flowers. i am definately intrigued. theflowers are gorgeous. and i find myself wishing it was juan, not some far off admirer. i also found myself wishing that he gave a bit more of a damn than usual.

so, i was able to get my vday fix. beautiful flowers, sunshine, hugs and kisses from my ladybug and a card from my daddy. eventhough i didn't get it from the one i love. no cards. no flowers. no intimate dinner for two. no ... well, maybe some love making (of course he'll take that-but in his mind, it won't have anythhing to do with valentines day!!). what do you do when the one you love hates the day that you are to celebrate the love you have for one another all year long?

well, you love them anyway. in spite of themselves. because love truly rules. when you let it.

today is the day for LOVE---HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

be well :)

back on the highway

2009-02-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

a little while ago i talked about feeling as though i had taken a temporary detour on my journey in this life, to discovering my authentic self among other things, but that i was back on the road again. now i'm sure there will be many more detours to come, and that's just fine. they're needed. requred really, for the kind of growth, and peace of spirit and mind that i'm looking to achieve. and that detour has put me in a very contemplative mood, where i'm thinking deeply about where i'm at right now. where i've come. and where and how i intend to be going forward. i feel that i am in the process of laying the groundwork for the rest of my life. and i'm quite excited about that.

i feel that this year is truly the year for change. i feel it. know it. and i plan on making some changes of my own regarding quite a bit. now, i'm not into 'resolutions', the kind everyone makes at the beginning of the year. nope. but i do believe in intent. and setting reasonable, attainable goals for myself. intentions. and i have several for myself. for my life.

so going forward, i will occasionally post various intentions and goals for myself, and will putting various lists together of things that are important to me. some may seem very simple and shallow. some might be deep and challenging. and i begin with these...

I INTEND TO:

~ get back to meditating daily
~ exercise regularly (3-4xwk)
~ get back to cooking what I like to eat, and experimenting more
~ get back to reading
~ work on my creativity by crafting more and getting back to my photography
~ be quiet

i plan on taking baby steps towards these goals. doing what i can, when i can do it, and not beating myself up over what seems to be a lack of measurable progress. that's ridiculous. and i hope that non of you out there are doing that.... huh?

be well :)

still working on it

2009-01-30T09:45:00.000-08:00

well, this new year is here. actively in progress. progress. and, more importantly, this is a year of change. so much change. i know it. sense it. feel it. and i've been thinking about it all too, in a way. like i've said in a previous post, i've been in a very contemplative mood since the holidays after taking a little detour. now, i'm trying to get out of it. get back on the road again, to finding me.

but i haven't been able to 'get going'. i am normally ready to jump into each new year, each month, hungry and excited for what i know it will bring. but not this time. and it just occured to me why. for all the supposed, yes, supposed, contemplating - i've really done none at all. not really. i've sort off skimmed the surface of truly examining where i'm at now, where i really want to go, how to get there, who i am now, and my intentions (not resolutions) going forward. yeah, i've had a few ideas. a few false starts. but i've done nothing. therefore, i have no groundwork, no framework, no outline for going forward. that's why i haven't been able to get going.

so, i'm going to start working on a list of, hmmm, don't know what to call this. not resolutions though. i don't do those. we make them self defeating and i feel very strongly about them-that's another post, promise! now, this list is for sure full of intentions for myself, my life, for this year and on. things that i really intend to focus on, work on, be conscious of. you see, i want to change my life. not that i'm unhappy with it now. oh no. it's just that i feel very strongly about this journey called life, and that i am here to get as much out of it as i can, to serve, to be a better person.

i realize now that i've a few people and situations in my life that are toxic, unwittingly and not by choice (you can't choose your family). for many years it's been this way, and has caused me to develop into two people. the strong, courageous, common sensical, and funny angela who know's where it's at and will show you how to get there. then, there's the other one. the one that, when is around or in the toxicity, is unable to speak her truth. and i am struggling with that. it makes me feel like a hypocrite. so now a big part of my journey is figuring out how to join the two angelas, how we can coexist in the same space. or if that's even possible. hell, do i even want them to.... nope. not anymore.

so, yeah, i'm still working on it. my journey to myself.

mr. fix it part 2

2009-01-26T15:22:00.001-08:00

OMG!! he did it. he really did do it. he fix my car. my baaaby.

i am still in shock. he finished it soon after i first posted, and i am still in shock. i was very nervous though. every so often i'd hear a "hmpf"; "uh-oh"; "now where would that go..?"; and then a "dammit!!" coming from the garage. the last one was a biggie because he is not a cusser. and with each uterance my heart would sink. the pain of seeing my baby's innards all strown about was oh so difficult. it soothed me little to be out there helping him... holding the flash light, passing tools, offering encouraging words like"yeah, that looks right babe".

i am so very proud of him. i just can't tell you how bursting with pride i am of him. i told him that he can talk smack for at least the next 9 months for this one!

be well :)

i am finally home

2009-01-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

today is the day that barack obama became the 44th president of these united states of america. it's a day in which america has risen up, finally, to meet the potential god has bleesed it with.

i am full. so very full. inspired. and truly, truly...... hopeful.

although nothing has actually changed. it has. you see, this is the day that america has begun to actually change. the change is actually palpaple. tangible.

my eyes sting from the tears of pride. joy. satisfaction.

oh glory. oh mercy. oh grace. my god.

yes, change has come to america.

be well :)

Last bit of holiday

2008-12-31T10:15:00.000-08:00

so yes, it's been a couple of weeks. sorry. been in a very contemplative mood, will post on that later.

meanwhile, here are a few more pics from the holdays. as i said before, i baked my head off, and here are some pics of how i packaged the treats i made. the next set are of juan and ladybug - he took her ice skating at union square in san francisco. they had a blast! then the last group are of all the wonderful holiday and christmas cards we got. i love them! oh, and you get see what a pair of clowns i have.

enjoy :)

in love with mr. fix it

2008-12-30T15:50:00.000-08:00

ladybug was with my mommy dearest for the last few days, so hubby and i had some great quality time together.... just hanging out, lots of laughing, and doing what we do best (catch my drift..? *wicked smile*)

we didn't do much really, watched a few movie classics (our fav's) from netflix, got some take out from one of our favorite local spots that does a mean fried chicken. got up the next day and did some window shopping (he let me go without my wheelchair! eventhough it was in the trunk). but mainly, we just talked. and laughed. and teased each other about everything from 'back in the day when....'. and was just together. fun.

yes, he can be very difficult - sunsign leo different, and is the epitome of passive aggressiveness (more often than not). we've been together for about 17 years now, married for most of them. so yes, we have our issues, hell, i have my own (many of you know that i am a hoot and a mess!). i know that more often than not, juan has asked god what in the hell has he gotten himself into with me. but still, he can be a hot mess. and at times i find myself looking for our attorney's number because i'm ready to wrap my cane around his neck ...(just kidding babz!) but, the sex is great. and he's cute. and he really is a good guy. and, well... i love him. *sigh* god help me.

and he loves me. which is why i'm even more inspired to write about him today. like many of you already know, my other serious love affair is with my car (my T5) and driving it. i just love it, and as with ladybug, all the posts i've done about it just doesn't serve it justice (search T5 and see!). so over the summer, juan and i were rear ended in a 3 car hit and run as we were cruisin' through napa valley (only 35 minutes away - are you jealous?? lol), and the dashboard snapped or something. know one was hurt thank god, and other than the dashboard, there was no other damage - my T5 is no joke! we took it to the dealership for a once over, just to make sure, and they gave a structural and body thumbs up. just the dash, which they sent us to the body shop for estimates. we didn't like the amount they were talking, and rattling wasn't too bad... at the time. we didn't bother the our insurance company (gieco, which i love) mainly becuase the poor litle pregnant girl who hit us didn't have insurance, and it wasn't her fault in the first place. the guy hit her!

so we just left well enough alone.... til one day i just could'nt take it anymore. the squeeking has gotten so back that it makes me feel like i'm ridding in a hooptie, like i wanna jump out of the window! yes, my baby is only 8 years old, but she's in phenomenal shape! she's an extremely limited edition - only 1300 made in black in the world, with a racing engine (she can take out a porche without blinking - well, maybe tie) with 302 horsies under the hood (the 2008 porsche carrera has 325 i think) and she's as smooth as butter, they didn't make these engine specs for us market at all. i get purchase offers all the time! i just couldn't take it anymore!!

well, guess what my man is outside doing right now as i type??!!?? take a look....

he's just getting started here

yes, that's my makeup bag on the floor

yep, he's got the tools

ooh, this is hard for me to take!

oh, my baby!
oh, the agony...

this is my T5

yep, he loves me... i'll keep you posted!

be welll :)

still recovering... and happy kwanzaa!

2008-12-28T18:43:00.001-08:00

greetings and happy kwanzaa!

i hope everyone is having a very wonderful and safe holiday season.

whew! i've had a very busy week and i've been so exhausted, but am recovering. it all began with ladybugs school christmas program, then i had to make and decorate tons of cookies for her class party. i rested for a couple of days before i realized that i had not realized that christmas was just a few days away! oh dear!! i had to get back to baking again. lots more cookies - my jelly rolls, lemony lemon shortbreads, and chocolate truffles. oh yeah, and what were we gonna have for christmas dinner..?? uhg.

well, here are a few pic's of my holiday week. i'll try to add captions. one quick note.. ladybug has discovered barbie. yes, barbie. and is totally in love. now, i've always had barbie issues - back in te day 'black barbie' didn't look like me. where i grew up all the hispanics bought 'black barbie' because thats what she looked like. i guess the mattel just took the regular white barbie and spray painted her tan, and that was it. and hubby is totally against the girl. i mean like she's the anti christ. but i realized that times have changed 'black barbie', she now looks like an african american. she looks like my girlfrinds, women i went to school with, colleagues. hell... me! so, i tried to convince hubby that we shouldn't deny our child this rite of girlhood. that we (he!) needed to unpack that baggage, and get over it. well, actually, i didn't try to convince him of anything. i didn't give a damn what he thought about it anymore. my baby was to have a barbie! and my baby got a barbie. her barbie. and the picture here doesn't even come close to doing justice the look on her face when she opened that present. ahh... satisfaction. love. i'm a mommy.

oh, and for dinner we wound up having a wonderful beef roast with rosemary, tyme, and garlic braised in red wine and beef broth, with fresh green beans carmelized with shallots and garlic, along with my potatoe gratin. heaven!

enjoy!

ps.... i don't want to see another damn cookie for at least, hmmm.... a week or so! be well :)

the day i entered this life - MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

2008-12-25T22:58:00.001-08:00

well, it's the end of the day. a wonderful day really. after a week of non stop rain, the sun came out in a brilliant show with blue, blue skies. yes, a great day.

we 3 got up, opened presents, and then began the day. very uneventful. i just finished some baking - mmmm, chocolate truffles spiked with grand marnier (pictures tomorrow), covered in toated almonds, walnuts, crushed peppermints, and hazelnuts....yum! and talked to several friends and family. had a few visiters. again, not much going on. very low key. only....

only......... it's my birthday. yep. the day i entered this life. and i don't have much to say really (which is a first!!) just that i'm very happy. content. peaceful. thankful. blessed.

i was in my element really. i the kitchen. juan on the sofa chilling. ladybug afoot with her tons of her questions! "can i help?! can i help?!"pots clanging. fancy utensils and gadgets here and there. i was busy making gift baskets for others, those in need, some nieghbors. friends. love it. but had to stop - i just hate that i didn't get to make as many as i would liked. because yes, i did too much. yes juan fussed at me. but hey, i'm gonna do what i do baby!

so, like i said. a very quiet day. but one of the best days of my life. because it is my birthday.

i shall be telling my doctors that they were wrong...again. wrong about me not be here to see it. i begin to cry as i type. now i'm laughing. at my doctors.

i have a great life!

i am wishing you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS. i hope its a safe, happy, and love-filled one.

and...... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

i made it!

be well :)

not feeling it

2008-12-21T21:36:00.000-08:00

hey there!

i do hope your holidays are going wonderfully?!

i've finally caught the spirit, though half heartedly, after a major delay in feeling it. i don't know what's up, but it might as well be march. we just got our tree yesterday, partly because i wasn't feeling it, and secondly the fact that it's been raining like crazy and i HATE wet trees. it's a childhood thing. it rained and hailed so hard that i thought god was coming! it was about 9:30 pm last thursday when we heard the cracking/popping sound. like someone was throwing rocks against the windows and breaking in our skylight. juan and i opened the front door and just stood there in amazement. quarter sized hail. a real phenomenon here in my little corner of the world.

so, the tree is up. that's it. nary a light, a wreath, or anything all sparkly glowie is up. normally this is my most favoritest time of the year! it's the best time of the year! but i'm just not feeling it. and i don't know why.

hey, it's also my birthday. yep. december 25th. 5:20 am.

maybe it's because i've been in a very reflective mood for the last month or so. deeply. i've been chewing on quite a bit. my life, ya know? i've always wanted to be forty. even as an older teenager i'd always felt that life began at forty, and that ones forties would be, are, fabulous. you got lifes instructions and directions in your 20's. then you worked to figure them them out as best you could in your 30's. and then, when you hit your 40's, you'd really start to know what the hell to do with all that stuff and shit - how to be. so, i looked forward to them, anxiously. ready to be all that and truly fabulous. ready to truly be grown.

hmpf. is there such a thing really? ever?

well, my forties are here. been here for only a minute. and it's now how i thought it would be. i'm not how i thought i'd be. and i now realize that i am struggling with this. and i welcome it. because it means that i am in the process of becoming bigger, badder, and better than i've ever been. than i could ever imagine. i feel it. i know it. and again, i welcome it.

be well :)

temporary detour

2008-12-15T14:14:00.001-08:00

ok, i've been a bad, bad girl. but so what!

i decided to disappear for a little bit just because i wanted to. i wanted to see what it felt like to just not do anything. i kept in minimum contact (had to because there are a few of you out there that would kill me if i just dropped off the face of the earth!), but basically.... i let the phone ring. no card making or scrapbooking. most emails and texts went unanswered. no blogging. rearranged a few client sessions. no twittering.

i read, sleeped, cooked, watched some movie classics with bette davis, and enjoy my ladybug and my husband. also, i prayed. i'm still praying. i am praying not just for all the people and things i normally pray for. but i am now praying for me. i realized that i never really prayed for myself. i always thought that was wrong. selfish. even in my sickness, i still prayed for others.

i've had a tough few months since my surgery in september. yes tough physically, but tough emotionally. tougher than i thought or realized, until i was home alone taking a shower about two weeks ago.

while feeling the warmth of the water all over my body, watching the water and soap swirl in the tub and then down the drain... i realized that i was drowning. slowly drowning. all my essence slipping away. in my fight to keep from being angry and bitter and always whinning and complaining about sick and what's been stolen from me - to keep from being that person - i became choked by it all.

then i began to actually feel like i was choking, right there in the shower. i thought my one half good lung was finally going as i coughed for air. a jolt of fear gripped me, i was home alone. then a wave of sadness and pain washed over me and i dropped down to my knees in the tub and i cried. i cried hard. i curled up at the back of the tub and let the water wash over me, mixing with my tears, as i cried.

i cried for me. for my life. for what i've lost. i cried for realizing that i was becoming .... i don't know what to say it really (because of my word finding issues), so bare with me... becoming someone who has turned away from life. from living life. oh my goodness.

once i realized this, i became embarrased. yep. right there on the bottom of the tub. cheeks hot with embarrassment, you'd have thought someone saw me naked - naaah, i'm an exhibitionist, lol. not that i was wailing away at the bottom of the tub, but that i, me, angela, was turning into a shrinking violet. day after day in my house, barely talking to anyone except clients. not even participating in ladybugs school/class functions. turning away from life. that's not me world.

i told myself "stop it!! just stop it angela!!" and i did. it is now the end of my temporary detour from the road to becoming my authentic self.

so, these last two weeks i've spent with me. praying. i am now praying. praying for me and that i can take all my emotions - my anger, my fear, my pain, my sadness, my feelings of being lost - as energy and power to transform. i've always done it before. this shouldn't be any different.

aahh. i feel so very much better now.

the birth of happiness and joy - my child

2008-11-29T09:59:00.000-08:00

to day is the day that god blessed me with my darling daughter, ladybug... lauren camille.

my heart fills just thinking about what to write to describe what i feel. feel for her today, and always. but there's this song by lauryn hill called "To Zion", where she talks about her son, zion, and goes through the feelings of her experience. in a way, her experience is mine too. and whenever i here this song, i think of my ladybug. actually, it's not that hear the song often, it's that i thnk of it often, because of how intensly i love my girl.

well, here are the word to the song, but i've made some changes, as those of you who know the song will be able to tell....

"TO LAUREN CAMILLE"......
Unsure of what the balance, held, I touched my belly overwhelmed by the meaning of it all.
Then an angel came one day, told me to kneel down and pray, for unto me a womanchild would be born.
Though the pregnancy was a crazy circumstance, I knew her life deserved a chance.
How beautiful if nothing more than to wait at Lauren's door. I've never been in love like this before.
Now let me pray to keep you from the perils of life that will surely come.
See life for you my Princess has just begun.
And I thank you for choosing me to come through unto life and be.
You are a beautiful reflection of His Grace.
You see, I know that a gift so great is only one that God could create, and I'm reminded of that every time I see your face....
That the joy of my world is in Lauren Camille. Now the joy my world is Lauren Camille.

my beautiful beautiful lauren camille - happy birthday .... mommy loves you.

ginving thanks thankfully

2008-11-27T10:34:00.000-08:00

today is a day for giving thanks. and i am so very thankful on this day, and and every day that god blesses me with.

again, i'm not as eloquent as i used to be, as i would still like to be. and would really like to say something wonderfully moving, touching, thoughtful. so i'll just share this little prayer that i've been saying every since i was a little girl. i say it everyday with my family, and i share it lovingly with you...

lord, i thank you for this day
i thank you for your blessings, your grace, and your mercy
i thank you for keeping all those that i love and care about safe
and i ask that you keep them safe through the day and night
then wake us all in the morning - happy, healthy, safe, and of sound mind, body and spirit
so that we may continue to share your blessings.

I WISH YOU A HAPPY AND SAFE AND BLESSED THANKSGIVING

pride

2008-11-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

ladybugs track club had their annual awards banquet and she was so excited to recieve a real trophy! she could barely stand it.

what was funny was that she was torn between acting like a 'big girl', trying to be cool, like it was all in a day's play. or to just be as thrilled as she actually was - lots of giggling.

i'll be back with pics all her medals and ribbons.

be well :)

blue

2008-11-24T15:33:00.000-08:00

again, so sorry for being missing in action. i can't say that i've been busy. i can't say that i've been sick.

i've just been, well..... blue.

not depressed. just, blue. i am realizing that i have been slowly, slowly giving in to my diseases and situation. not necessarily in a conscious way. but yes, in a way, consciously. each day i would knowingly surrender. decide that i'm not going to be present in my life a little bit at a time... by not stretching today. i'm not going to read today. decide not to talk to clients today. not to get on the computer. not to answer the phone. not to cook. not to craft. to just not be me. not to fight anymore.

i'm tired. i'm tired of being sick. and i'm tired of this fight. i want a different fight. is that even possible? i mean, really. i realize that i've sort of been on pause - just waiting, in a way, for all of this to be finished. you know, like when you're watching a bad movie. or in a meeting you don't want to be in. or when you picked up the phone and realized it's not someone you really wanted to talk to at that moment. just waiting. waiting to be finished so i can move on. i've got things to do, places to go, people to see and be with. ya know?

while struggling with what to do to not be so blue, i see that i've even not blogged about all that i'm feeling for fear of alarming, being borish, or, heaven forbid... sounding all "woe is me-ish" and in need of some "there, there now...". which i probably do need now that i think about it, lol!
i was just shaking it all off, the blueness, and trying to kick tinybutt back into gear when i was at another doctors appointment last week. i got some not so great news, which i new was coming, but just didn't want to hear, or deal with. i just don't want to deal with this shit anymore. so, it just smacked the blue right back on me. and here i sit. feeling alone. and blue.

it's so hard, i feel, because i do feel alone. eventhough i know i'm not. i have a few close sister friends i could confide in. and a ton more acquaintences that always offer their ear. and i do appreciate that. yet that's so hard for me to do. i'm the one they come to for the "there, there's". i'm the one that makes it all clear and safe and ok for them. hell it's who i am and it's what i do.
you see, i am a professional certified life coach. have been for a very long while. and i love it. besides my family and friends, it really keeps me going because it helps me feel so useful and relevant. but. because i'm the 'go to' person, the one who (according to everyone else) has all the answers, or can at least help figure it out, find a way, always know's what to say and how to say it....it's so very hard for me to be vulnerable to someone else. that's really the main reason why i began blogging. so i could be annonymously vulnerable. because i do need to be able to.

but, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. and i want to be ok with being emotionally naked in my world. bare and honest. but how do i make others, those closest to me, feel ok with that. will they understand me. no. i've tried. they're scared. and that's ok. but where does that leave me in the mean time.

blue. feeling it, and then moving on.

be well :)

oh, the agony...!

2008-11-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

no, no, no!! say it aint so!

i have sattelite television, direct tv to be exact, and have been perfectly happy with them for the last 6 years. not a problem. until this morning.

everyone who knows me knows that i really like oprah (i don't care what anybody says!), and now am in complete love with her 'oprah and friends' radio programs, which include all her friends - dr. oz, gail, jean chatzky, dr. robin smith, rodney and holly robinson-peete, marianne williamson, dr. maya angelou, rabbi shmuley, along with a few others. well, i really just 'love,love, love' the programs that are on during the time zone that i listen in 8am-2pm (jean, shmuley, gail, marianne, and dr. robin-i brake at 10 however to catch the hot mess at 'the view' which is the first 20-30minutes). and i sometimes try to schedule my appointments around them.

not today. not tomorrow. not ever. as long as i have direct tv.

i turned to the channel and ..... nothing. just blackness. whuh?!?! huh?!?!? i immediately called up the cable company to find out what they've done to my programs. it's a sad day today. for me, a sad day indeed.

well, until i shake off this stunning sense of loss and then figure out what the heck i'm gonna do about it... i'm off to go mourn now.

be well :)

rememberance

2008-11-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

so many have given so much. let us not forget. we must not forget. or we are doomed to repeat.

i honor those who sacrafice, for us, for me.

thank you.

a small trip back

2008-11-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

i've been really under the weather lately physically, and emotionally. so, since i've written about feeling this way before, and feeling the need to still write about it. i just thought i'd repost and earlier one. interesting how not that much has changed really.

i'm not on regular chemo treatments; i get them "PRN" (means as needed), only if i'm having a crisis, or the disease gets aggressive. actually, if i can go another 30 days my docs will declare me stable, but not in remission.

in the meantime, here's how i'm feeling:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

shootin' blanks

"so i've probably filled you in on some of my health issues and health related what nots, and how i'm really trying to come to terms with just how sick i really am. it's hard. i don't want to believe that my body, and now (as of 10/06) my brain is failing me. one of the things that i'm dealing with is short term memory loss. at least that's the the doctors are calling it. short term memory loss(stml). short term. doesn't short term mean for a little while, temporary, will be over soon? well, i'm still waiting. this whole escalation of my diseases happened in october 2006. on my wedding anniversery no less. i keep hoping that i'll wake up tomorrow and it will be all over, at least the memory issue.

yes, it's gotten so much better since october. truly. BUT. i'm getting frustrated. for the most part, i can see that i've come a very long way, and am very thankful for the support and prayers i've recieved, and i know that it will take time. time. TIME.

right now i'm sick of that. sick and tired of hearing that, of telling myself that. of being patient. you see, i'm the one that's patient with everyone.... except with myself. i don't know how to be that for myself. how to give that to myself. i should know how to, right? i gave to everyone else. shouldn't it be easy? well, it's not. along with a whole list of other things i should be able to do for myself.

i 'm tired of not knowing if i've had this conversation already, asked that question before. i have to write everything down. more than twice most of the time. i was in the store the other day and i saw someone i think knew me, but didn't say anything to me, just sort of "acted" like we didn't know each other. but i really felt like we did. there was something in her eyes that gave it away. all i have is my gut feeling. i don't remember, but sometimes i just have a feeling. it's really difficult to do so many things now. things that everyone takes for granted. things that i use to just do. like multi tasking (impossible practically,lol!!), or remembering how to get somewhere that you go a thousand times. just watching a tv show is a major challenge. its hard to follow, especially trying to watch movies. its all i can do to keep up with my ladybugs childrens programming the sprout channel! (you know, barney...). like the other day dh and i were going to get lb registered in her summer gymnastic camp. i knew exactly where it was, could see it in my mind. but i could remember how to tell dh where to go, or if we were even heading the right way. hell, i knew where i was, but didn't really know where i was! do you understand? it's more than just having a brain fart. you see, i was always the go to person. i knew everything, and remembered even more. i had this close to photographic memory. reliable like the sun rising and setting. now?

i use to be very well spoken, articulate, and cogent. a pretty good, and very confident public speaker, if i must say so myself. now...?? well, let's just say that it's probably all you can do to understand me. yeah, i'm typing like all is well, but trust me! this is not how i really speak. my sentance structure and spelling is that of a kindergartener. when i talk it sounds as if i'm deaf, or from some exotic country, or speaking baby talk, depending on how i'm feeling. it's so hard now to get my point accross. to say what i really am meaning to say. in addition to stml i have a combination of broca's and wernicke's aphasia. broca's is when it takes great effort for one to talk and have problems with grammar and speak short telegraphic sentences, such as "get water". wernicke's is when it's easy to talk, but i use the wrong words, the wrong sounds, or make up words. Much of what some people say may sound like "nonsense". i go back and forth depending on what's going on - if i'm tired, in pain, having swelling in the language center of the brain (vasculitis), or had a siezure.

everytime i look at dh or my ladybug, i get scared, angry, frustrated. it's also very funny. lb will say "ok momy, i'm going to have another cup of pudding because you're going to forget that i already had one". how can i stay angry, and frustrated for long? lol! i've since had to pull a 'mommy' on her and i pretend that my memory is just fine. i let her see me as i am except that. i do not want to put that on her. for some reason i feel like she can handle my physical disabilities, heck, she thinks it's fun at times (she gets to ride in my wheelchair with me sometimes, or play with my quite fancy shmacy cane!), but worry about the memory issues on her. she asked me one day if i was able to remember to take care of her, get her milk, cheerios, etc. the look of mixed genuine concern and fear and sadness on her face nearly broke me. my god i love her. oh, and the thought of my dh. i'm watching him now watching me struggle to type this. heartbreaking, really.

how do i describe to you what its like? i'm struggling with that. can you imagine looking at a picture of you and some loved ones, and having absolutely no memery, or even a feeling of it? nothing. just blank. that's it. just blank. i think that's the best i can do. it's blank. blankness. lots of it too. all running together.anyway. i'm angry and frustrated and scared right now. very. i'm shootin' blanks. there. i do feel better now. "

~~~~~~~~~~~

and i do feel better now. thanks for being here.

be well, be strong :)

my tree, the rainbow, and a little bit of chat

2008-11-06T21:54:00.000-08:00

it rained pretty bad earlier in the week... we've been havign the craziest weather all year. it's usually indian summer this time of year, and it sort of is. been in the upper 70's for several weeks. it was in the mid 80's the week that my brother fred was here (which was just 2 weeks ago).

but it turned really cold when it rained. i mean cold. we even turned the heater on and we're those types that say "hey, put a sweater and a pair of socks on!". so i guess fall/winter is on it's way, and i have a feeling that it's gonna be a rough winter.

with that said, i also think that summer isn't quite ready to go to bed yet. after it poured, stormed, the sun came out. not creeping out, not peeking out. but with a vengence. bright, strong, beautiful.

then, through our upper windows above our living room, a rainbow.

ladybugs first rainbow.

then, there's my tree. my beautiful tree. a glorious contrast, and a perfect example of our indian summer. it so golden that it lights up the house (i LOVE my house) in the afternoon! i have the privledge of gazing at this work of god everyday, all day.

isn't what i see gorgeous?! that's what you'd see as you walk in my house. you'd also see me sitting on my comfy blue sofa (my spot), gazing out at my tree. hey... babz has sat there! lol!

so, i'm sure you can guess by now, and if you've followed my blog you know, that i've finally figured out how to manipulate the pics in my blog. i'm still workign on it how to get captions and boarders on them though. hang in there with me!

also, i had the privledge of listening in on, and participating (as a caller) to a new blog talk radio program tonight called RAW DAWG RADIO (every thursdays at 11pm est), put on by my blog pals kelso, the man...raw dawg (dr. stephens), and my big sis (warrior queen) babz. it was fabulous! it's an actual radio program just via the computer. you can listen in (via computer), call in, or log onto the chat room. kelso and dr. stephens are an amazing wealth of information covering both domestic and international politics, money matters, and business. whan i say deep, i mean deep! if you are interested in todays world affairs and how they affect us directly, or if you are looking to learn more about how this world really works, you must check them out!

well, it's way past my bedtime (eventhough the time stamp says different), so i'm off to get my pearls (doesn't every princess sleep in pearls??) and head to slumber land...

night, night :)

moving

2008-11-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

my father, my wonderful 'pops' (daddy when i want something....yes, i'm a daddys girl!), called me today 'just to talk'. he and i are close and talk alot. i love his 'pearls' of wisdom that i've had the benefit of recieving since i was a baby. i was his son for the first 9 years of my life. his friends' nick name for me was his shadow. he was mr. mom when there was no such thing. he's so funny. hillarious really, and he has no clue as to just how funny he is. he's a perfect combination of george jefferson and bill cosby. reall! can you imagine this? i love him, adore him. yeah, he gets on my last nerve too. can get me so upset. and it can be very difficult to communicate with him.

he's almost seventy and grew up in the south. the second youngest of 10. his oldest sister helped deliver him. his mother, a choctaw indian chief from a reservation in kansas (no longer exsiting), his dad, a traveling minister, the son of a slave and a free woman.

he has seen so much. fought the good fight, always, and has endured. he's pulled himself up by the 'bootstraps'. educated himself, ultimately attaining several degrees and becoming the 'first black blah, blah, blah at a large and well known oil company. retired early and then started his own financial and small business services firm. it's still going string celebrating almost 20 years. his story is an amazing one really. but not unique. not at all.

we started talking about the election. the major world event, and how he thought he would never live to see this day. there was a long pause - silance (which is incredibly unusual for this man!!)

"...pop?" "...daddy?"

he was crying. softly, quietly. he said he was crying for those who've come before us. and then he said he loved me. and that i am his barack obama. meaning we all have barack obama in us.

we cried together.

yes, we did!

2008-11-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

as i sit here, in tears, i have no words.

BARACK OBAMA IS NOW THE PRESIDENT ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES.

i feel hope has come. i feel change has come. and it feels so good.

how many of us had forgotten what hope felt like? the feeling of hope on a large scale. the feeling of the excitement that only hope brings.

i watch the people on tv. the crowds chering. crying. the faces, full of excitement, that yes, maybe now, hope has come. and with it, change. it's in their faces. their eyes.

it began with yes, we can. and now.... YES, WE DID!!

be well :)

trying something different, new

2008-11-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

hey,

so my girl babz, along with D and juan, have convinced me to try to write a book. yep. a book. my goal is to discuss the journey one unwillingly goes on when diagnosed with a supposedly life ending diseases. to discuss this journey from the perspective of a woman who's african american navigating all the known and unknown emotional, spiritual, and most importantly, cultural landmines. but really, it's just my own perspective.

i have found, however, that the cultural (racial) aspect is significant. i wouldn't have thoguht it to be such a big deal in the begining, but it is. so i feel it should be addressed.

also, i now think my journey, my experience, may need to be revealed. to be shared. shared with the many women who, like me, do too much. who don't take care of themselves properly. who don't put themselves first. who come after any and every thing and one. every child, family member, church auxillary/function. those who pimp themselves willingly for any and every cause, 50% off sale, friend, job, and man (i'll adress that latter..). and they need badly to hear how significantly it negatively affects their overall health. mental. physical. emotional. spiritual.

i digress. i think i may be ready to share my journey. expose the issues i have, that have been uncovered, magnafied, escalated by having to dealing with heath crisis right at the begining of the prime of my life, and the fallout because of it. i now think they should be shared. i think i'm ready to share them.

i'm not an eloquent writer, at all. i still have neurological issues and don't always know if i'm getting my point accross in the manner i intend (i have brocca's aphasia to name just one), and i tend to babble now. but i will do my best, because i really hope this edeavor will help someone. so bear with me. i am scared. but that's good, right..?

be well :)

...i'm having a hard time hitting the 'publish post' button...? if i hit it, will that make it real?

ok, finally!

2008-11-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

hey y'all!

so, my brother fred was here for surprise visit that was the best of all best. he took time out of his incredibly busy schedule to come check on his big sis. after the last month or so i've had (surgery, the aftermath of it, and then my beloved malik) he said that he just had to check on me. look me in the eyes and know how i was. because he knows me. my god am i loved. yes.

he is a masterchef (formally trained) and is currently in management at a large grocery store chain. he LOVES it too! it was to be just a gig to help get him through school (culinary sociology degrees), and, what? 15 years later, he's still there, working like a hebrew slave, and loving it. i think it's a ministry for him really.

when i was pregnant with ladybug he flew out an average of every 2 months or so to help me keep my sanity, and help me be a bad girl, while i was on severe medical restriction. he shuttled me to the hospital everyday (for labs and tests, as i was very sick). actually, it was he who convinced me to deliver. every week my doc would plead with me to deliver. but i was in some major denial (hmmm is that when it started?). well, after the last visit with the doc, fred said in his quiet, gentle way, that it was time. i didn't even have to look at him.

and so his 'apple dumpling' (ladybug) was born. she took one look at fred and he of her. love at first sight. other than her daddy, he is the only man for her. and he is beyond crazy for her. once she came, he was here practically every month for the first 3 years!!

well, i suspect though that a big part of his coming had to do with apple dumpling as well. and that's fine. because is pleases me so very much to see the two of them together.

and have i mentioned how crazy we get about food??! OMG, when he comes out we go straight to whole foods with our menu list and loose our righteous minds after we cook up a storm. and when we're not cooking we're in 'the city' (sf) having dim sum, or berkeley's gourmet ghetto, or having local junk food like the famous 'giant burger' or zachary's pizza, or barney's burgers, or.... i could go on and on!! lol :) then we come back to my 'palace' and retire to my comfy blue sofa. he to his 'thrown away from home' which is the big chair.

most importantly, he lets me be me. and let me cook my ass off! juan has not let me set foot in my kitchen to do any serious damage for fear, his fear mind you, that i may hurt myself as i am still not quite better (that's another post). buy my fred got me proped up and turned me loose as soon as we saw juan turn the corner from the kitchen window!! i found some glorious collards, and some unique cheeses from the market and i went at it!! heaven i tell you! heaven!

i love this man who is my cousin, my brother. we have a connection that has no words to explain it. he is me, and i, he.

be well :)

what's in a name...

2008-10-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

hey there!

i do hope you all are well? sorry for just now checking in, again. i know, i know. just life! i'm rehaning hard, i want'to get to turning cartwheels soon ya know!

so anyway, i was on one of my crafting blogs and found this neat "what your name really means" link, and thought i'd give it a try. so, here are the results....

WHAT ANGELA REALLY MEANS:

What Angela Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

the crazy thing is that almost all of this is quite true. everyone who know's me will say these things about me. well, except the paranoia, jealousy, flaky and irresponsible stuff. everyone will deny that about me. but... i do have a secret to confess! i can be a bit flaky. but only if and when i feel that my 'me' time is not being repsected, or you are my mother (or some other few family members). yeah, i know... shocking!

be well :)

ps... won't take so long next time, got LOTS of pics to post. stay tuned.....!

SURPRISE, SUPRISE, SURPRISE!!

2008-10-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

OMG!! i can't stand it!! my brother is here from atlanta to visit me!

he snuck into town this morning to surprise me, and oh he did! he and juan got over on me! i could just burst.....really!

i don't talk much about him, but my god do i LOVE him and we are super close. he's really my cousin. second cousin on my moms side. and we were practically raised together til we were about 10 or 11. he's a year younger than me, and looks just as fab. he is incredibly stylish, with impeccable taste, and LOVES food just as much as i do. so much so that he has his degree from culinary school.

we are so very close, like soulmates, and talk about everything. i mean EVERYTHING. our favorite subjects are sex and food! there are very few people that i connect with, and eventhough he is my cousin, we would have still been in each other's lives.

and ladybug loves him. i mean LOVES him. from the moment she was born. oh yeah, he was there, i mean there, when she came into the world. and as soon as she laid eyes on my brother, she was hooked. and so was he. big time.

i hate that he's in atlanta, but.... i talk to him almost everyday, and there are so few people, even those i'm super close with, that i do that with. he usually comes out on average every 4 months or so, but it's been two years almost to the month since his last visit. seeing him brings home just how much i miss him.

i have him til this thursday, and ooooooh, we are going to have so much fun! we always do!

be well :)

more ranting...

2008-10-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

had a few doctor's appointments this week. the one we were most concerned with was yesterday, with the surgeon. and i am still not sure how i'm feeling about it all.

he was able to patch up the bone marrow fissures in my right femure, so we'll see if that will help fix the crazy blood counts i've been having (platelets, red and white cells), or not. but we're still not clear as to why the bones are deteriorating so rapidly, which is why i had to have the right hip replaced too. we assumed, rightfullly so, that it was due to all the chemo and steroids that i take.

so, yesterday was the follow up. exactly 5 weeks. i think i mentioned before about the fact that the leg they worked on is now an inch longer than it was before. and i was concerned in the hospital and the surgeon just would'nt hear anything about it. "your swollen" he said. "just waint 4-6 weeks" he said. but now i'm just mad. and sad. why? well, an inch may not sound like alot, but it's huge! it's like walking around all day (permanently) with one high heel shoe on. plus, i walk much worse than i did before the surgery. ok, yeah, i had to walk with a cane, and used a wheelchair from time to time. but now i have to use a walker. the wheelchair is a necessity. i can't even use my cane. my beautiful purple cane.

it's much, much harder for me to walk now. i should have known that something would happen. look at all the crap that happened while in the hospital! hell, i kept postponing the surgery!

so, the surgeon left it by writting me a perscription for a shoe lift for my good side, and a leg brace for my right (bad) side due to something called 'foot drop'. which is now much worse than before...??

that totally pissed me off. ok... i get that i need time to heal, and that it takes me a while to heal because of all the immune suppressing medications. i get that there's really not much that he can do to fix this new issue. but damnit!! at least acknowlege the fact that there's a problem!! sorry goes a long way with me.

yes, i'm leaving out a ton of stuff (geez i wanna cuss so badly!!) that was said and happened at the doctors appointment that would help put a fine point on my frustration, but, i'm afraid that i'm always too long winded. so, in an effort to cut to the chase... just know that there was a bit of rediculousness that occured, that served to make me even more pissed off.

so, if i am to leave it up to this surgeon, i am now walker and wheelchair bound with significant leg length difference and incredible level of discomfort from muscle pulling due to the additional inch, along with foot drop that requires an ugly foot brace. there.

i'm pissed now. and i've given myself until 6pm tomorrow to get over it and start figuring out what the hell i'm gonna do about it.

be well :)

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH

2008-10-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

YIKES!! i've been so caught up in my own stuff that i totally forgot to post this!!

IT IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!

if you don't already know. please, please, please remember those we've lost, and support those (including friends and family) in the struggle.

AND...... get yourself, or those you love, tested. GET A MAMAGRAM.

for more info, please go to:

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/par/PAR_2_Making_Strides_Against_Breast_Cancer.asp?from=MakingStrides

be well, be strong!

hospital pics

2008-10-07T10:26:00.001-07:00

hey all,

here are some pics from when i was in the hospital. juan spent almost every night with me (see his bed behind the chair?), and ladybug spent the weekends, fridays and saturdays. believe it or not, she loves it when i have to have chemo, or be in the hospital! she loves all the blood, needles, and medical paraphanalia like the gloves, masks, etc. plus the nurse make such a big fuss over her too. in the SNiF, which is different from where i normally am whenever i have to be hospitalized (oncology), they do alot of rehabing along with both acute/non acute medical care. so she would come after school and help me with my therapies, cheer me on.

we try hard to make it as normal, and routine as possible whenever i'm hospitalized. so she comes after school, does homework, we eat dinner, my dad many times gets dinner for me or all of us. and yeah, that dish there tasted as bad as it looked. then we hang out for a while, then juan takes her to my mom or dad, or they'll come get her, then juan stays the night. that's the routine when i'm locked up.

but i'm free now!!

be well :)

devestated

2008-10-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

my beloved, beloved malik is gone. my friend. my companion. a gentle giant he was. so giving. and he gave til the very end. i asked him, begged him, to wait for me. and he did.

oh my malik.

13 wonderful, fantastic, fun, precious years. every one of them, truly were precious. huge he was. 190 punds of gentleness. even his personality and spirit was big. everyone loved him. were wowed by him. where ever we went people stared, questioned, and enjoyed him, for he truly was different and special. i wan to say all dogs are, as i'm sure, but..... oh my malik.

i'm hurting.

i have so many 'malik' stories. a few of them incredible. like when juan and i first got married. we bought our house just as we got married, we had not one stick of fruniture when we got back from our honeymoon. we had all the utility people scheduled to come in one day, about 5 of them, including the cable guy, he we last. well, when the cable guy came, malik went ballistic as soon as the guy rang the door bell. and wouldn't stop until i came outside with him. the cable gy kept asking me to come upstairs with him, insistant, urgent. but i was more concerned with why my extremely low key, never make a fuss, rarely barking, non dog like dog, was making such an uncharacteristic fuss. malik refused to let me close to the door, standing between me and it, while watching the balcony. when the guy came back down, malik pushed me back. the guy finally left, and malik calmed down as soon as he cleared the house. the moment the guy got in his truck (i could see he truck from my backyard where i was), i got a call from the cable company telling me that 'their' guy was stuck in traffic and would not make it. the police said that he had struck several times, robbing and assaulting their victims. this is not the first time malik has saved me.

the tears. i thought i had no more.

my friend. he kept me sane these last few years in dealing with my health. just me and him. he knew me. like in my head knew me. i've give a thought to this or that, usually a stubborn one - should i take my meds because i'm tired of popping pills; oh yeah, i can do the stairs one more time; sure, i can jump in the T5 and run to the store, real quick... no one will know. just a look from him as he lays on the floor, or a huff, a funky vocal thing as he did - yes, he's one of those dogs that thought they could talk. and he always let you know what was really going on! especially if his food is not right. oh god that damn dog. i often wondered how that could be. he's just a dog. no, he really wasn't. not to me.

he really was juans dog. i flew all the way out to georgia, then had to drive about 3 hours outside of atlanta to get the the breeder. juan had arranged everything, but it was up to me to pick the dog. we weren't married yet, but already had two dogs - juan already had a siberian husky-hawke, and i had a chocolate cocker - hershey. juan had always wanted a malamute actually, but had settled for a husky initially. he had already had hawke for several years. anyway, i got to the breeder and just didn't expect the puppies to be so big. they were huge! malik was the runt, and i picked him because he was the only puppie that would fit in hershey's carrier...barely! but also, he was the only one that wasn't puppie-like. he was in a corner, clearly not wanting to be bothered. truly in his own world, and really couldn't give a damn about showing off. well, that was malik. full of attitude. but in a very good way. i have so many malik stories, i'm bursting.

yes, he started out as juan's dog. but quickly became mine. mine. my dog. actually, he, juan, and hawke asked me to marry them. the 3 of them got down on one knee. again with the stories.

he was ready to go though. he was sick too. in february we found out that he had cancer as well, yet there was lots of hope. we could do surgery, and that for sure would give him at leat a few more years. i had a forboding with the surgery for some reason, and decided to just take it a month at a time. he still had such pep and vigor... just like a teenager as my mommy dearest always said about him. and he kept it til just recently. the bond we have, i felt, knew, he would tell me when it was time. and he did. eventhough i knew, i still wasn't ready. to let him go....

yesterday morning juan came upstairs and said call the vet. he could walk. i heart fell. some in juans voice. reminded me of hawke. no. i called. juan knew to give me little details as i spoke. for i was upstairs, they were down. he got him to the garage from the inside teh house (it rained thenight before). got the appointment for later that afternoon. the vet said that it may just be time for the surgery. that's all.

no, i didn't feel right. actually, all morning, and the before night. i couldn't take it not seeing him. i had to lay my eyes on him. i can't walk either, yet i somehow raced down the stairs, got to my walker, and somehow out to the garage. he heard the clanging of my damn walker and he didn't even get up for me. he always got up for me. ALWAYS. and he couldn't. no. on a towel next to him i layed. i began to ask him if it was time. the moment he looked up at me, i saw his eyes...and i knew. yes. it was time.

more, more tears. still.

the wave of pain hit and i lost it. i held him hard. he knudge me and huffed. he always knew when i was in pain. oh the pain. i held him. stroked him. talked to him. i told him that it's ok. i'm really ok. he had waited for me long enough. he could go.

i called everyone that i knew would want to say good bye. my beloved shannon came so quick and in a hurry, that my heart lept. i burst truly as soon as i saw her rush to me. she loves malik like her own. knows malik almost as i. she was the only one i truly trusted to take care of him when we traveled. he loved her too. really. i would get jealous (kidding) sometimes because he'd get so happy whenever she came by. she'd give me a hug,of course, but would immediately go to see her big guy. whenever she got a new dog, she'd bring them over so he'd break them in, so to speak. malik was never agitated by any other dog. amazing really. do not under estimate him though. he'd still act a fool, an ugly one too, but only when necessary. amazing.

shannon carressed him, wiped his eyes, talked to him. loved him. loved him with me. cried with me. let me fall apart. let me confess selfishly that i'm not ready for this. that i can't do this. i could'nt for a while. she talked to the vets for me. explained things. came up with a few great ideas. she actually had somewhere else to be. she's amazing, and i'm beyond blessed by her.

she left, and i was alone with my guy. i held him, tight. cried more, he nudged me more. i talked to him more. and was just quite with him. i pulled hair off of him. my goodness his hair!! it will be with us for forever!

my mom came, and i cried some more. she was surprisingly great. only a few annoying and akward moments. juan texted to say he was on his way back, so i had to change clothes. she stayed with him while i went, and tried to get up, to follow me. but he yelped in pain as he struggled to be with me. and he kept trying, damn stubborn dog. i had to command him "malik, no". "down!". "stay!". oh my heart was breaking. to the last, he loves me.

juan and ladybug came back from the school oktoberfest and i changed clothes to head to the vet. mom stayed with us the whole time. mainly to keep ladybug distracted. mom helped juan get malik in the car. he LOVED being in the car (more stories there, i mean really funny stories!), and my only regret is that his last ride wasn't in the T5. he loved it. the vibration of it's engine and only wanted to layon the floorboard to feel it. he didn't care to stick his head out the window. that's how much he loved it.

i lost it again when juan and the vet tech broght my guy in on a stretcher. i'm ritght behind them with my damn walker. on the exam table he is, and i'm right there. the vet comes. i'm holding hin. stroking him. telling him it's ok. he's ready. how much i love him. thanking him for all he's done for me. for me. his love for me. i talked him over. felt him as he went. he went. he went loved. oh so very loved.

my heart is completly broken and i am devestated. as glo said, "oh, the price of love".

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the endAnd hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.I know in time you will agreeIt is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be youWho has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

god bless you malik. thank you for loving me. i love you.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! please help us celebrate!

2008-10-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

hey y'all!

i've got so much to tell you, and i've already got 2 or 3 post drafts going, but it will have to wait a little longer because.....

today is my 10th wedding anniversery.

and it feels good really. 10 years married. 16 years in total, but do i count that? i never know. i always say "we've been married for such and such years, but together for such and such".

i think it should be counted. because that time can also speak to the commitment you've made to each other. for juan and i, after the first year and a half or so, there was just an unspoken understanding that i think our spirits had, that we'd be together. although i had no intentions of getting, being married, i knew that we would be together. we were together for 6 years before we got married, and and with all tat said, there was 'stuff' then that we had to work through. but we got through it. just as there's stuff now we have to work through in our marriage. and we get through it. the only difference is that we get through it but better.

juan and i have most definately had our share of ups and downs, especially in these last few years. we love harder. stronger. and have lots of fun. because of my health we have found a way to be better with each other. to each other. also, i am particularly happy on this anniversary because for the last 3 i've been critically ill. i thank god for blessings, big and small.

yeah, as evidenced by my many many posts here, i often want to take my cane and wrap it around his neck. or pack him up and ship him off to his mommy. almost weekly i look at him in awe and wonder to myself "what the hell were you thinking, or not....??!?!?!" but at the same time, i am totally amazed by him, and thankful for him. he takes such good care of me and our ladybug. he loves us. really. he is a true manchild, having no example, role model, and i am in awe with his stuggle to figure out what is, and how to be a man, husband, father, loving, tender, caring. to get it right. some days it's easier than on others. and he's not always consistant. and i am no walk in the park myself. i know he looks at me and wonders "what in the hell have i gotten myself into with this woman...?". yet he shows up each and everytime. he shows up.

and now, 10 years, no, 16 years later. we are still here. and happy. i wish this for all of you who wish this for yourselves.

**will you all help me celebrate? can you post peoms about love, and what it can do. how it heals, restores, saves, creates, and.... well, you know where i'm going with this**

be well :)

ps... come back because i have lots of pics to post and blogger is having issues right now...

I'M HOME!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-30T10:32:00.001-07:00

ok, so truthfully? it just got too crazy at hotel le'summit, so hubby checked me out on saturday. YAAAAY!!!!!

all is well. i'm fine. super fine now that i'm home. i can rehab here. the visiting nurses association (VNA) will be checking up on me, getting my rehab schedule together - PT, OT, plus the nurse to check my labs.

oh, i'm sooo happy to be home!! i'm exhausted from being in the hospital and am looking forward to getting some rest, my blue sofa, and my dog malik! oh i've missed my big guy. i've been worried about him. i think he's getting close to being ready to go. ooooh, that was hard.

i've never really given a whole post to him, as important as he is to me. i don't know why. he's so good, brings me joy, know's me so well that it's scary. really. he's so not like a dog. but, i'm sure most doggie moms and dads feel teh same way. whatcha think all mi-t? :)

well, i talked about the little crisis i had with him hte day before the surgery, and i knew then that it may be time. he's 13 years old. an alaskan malamute. that breeds lifespan, according to my vet, who knows quite a bit about them, is anywhere from 5-7 years. they sometimes make it to 9. so, i have no complaints!

he's just such a great dog. who talks to me. yes, he's one of those dogs that thinks he can talk. lol! he's so funny! and cool. he doesn't get bothered by anything, or anyone. he rarely barks. just easy!!

well, i could go on and on about my big guy, i have so many malik stories, it's crazy. well, no, that makes sense.... 13 years!

i LOVE this dog. and i'm home.

be well :)

still here...

2008-09-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

hey y'all...

yep. still here. two weeks later. i am trying to keep a good front, but it's gettin old. hell. it is old. i want so badly to go home. i ache for it. for home.

i thought i was checking out of hotel le hospital today, but the doc's, occupational/physical therapists, and even juan, feel i'm not ready. ok. that's fine. whatever.

so, i was about to vent about all that has been going on with me since i've been here. but, i don't know where to start. there's been so much. and, really, i don't know what good that will do anyway. because it's done. and i think you should only focus on not necessarily the good, but on the things you can do something about. and aside from walking the hell outta here, there's not much i can do about most of it.

however, i am going to talk a little bit about just how sick i had gotten earlier this week, because i am feeling like i need to vent. just vent. exhale. and because i tend not to vent much in my non blog world, and the fact that i'm cooped up in this room with such a great view and that it's a wonderfully glorious great weather day here in the bay area and i haven't been outside since glo was here last week.... i'm feeling pissy. so, here i go...

as i've mentioned in previous posts, i have a host of secondary issues related to my diseases (i'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention (denial? maybe, whatever) - interstitial pulmonary fibrosis, systemic lupus, lymphatic cancer, vaculitis, and suspected ms, affecting my heart, lungs, brain, connective tissue, and now most likely my bones), one of which is a tendency to 'throw clots', which means that for some reason my blood doesn't work right and tends to clot. that's not good because they can travel through the body, usually hitting the lungs (pulmonary embolisms), which is the problem i have. and i have an issue with healing normally because of all the immune suppression stuff going on (steroids and chemotherapy).

so with all that said, and with all the mixups with my medications - under dosing, over dosing, insuficient pain management due to misunderstanding of my diseases - i got really sick begining saturday. i just didn't feel right. i knew something was up, but i couldn't put my finger on it. come to find out, my INR levels (or "pro-time". it measures how fast, or not, your blood clots) were through the roof - 14.8. to put that into perspective for you, the normal range is 1-3, with 3 being a bit high, vitamin k intervention at 5. if it's too high then you run the risk of internal bleeding because your blood is too thin. and guess what? i began to bleed. yep. from just about everywhere but my ears. it took a minute for them to get me stable. they were too afraid to move me to icu, so they kept me in skilled nursing, which is a total misnomer!

juan and i talked and we are seriously thinking of checking the hell outta here. will keep you posted....

be well :)

did i ever tell you....?

2008-09-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

that the week leading up to, and the day before my surgery was plain just crazy. we had just gotten home from atlanta, and i had to jump right into all the pre-op prep for surgery seven days later.

in addition to that, i had to get all things ladybug ready - school, girl scouts, hot lunch - plus, she'd missed whole first week and 2 days of school, then promptly got sick and missed the rest of the second week of school. so i had to deal with her being home along with my figuring out hwo to get to my medical appointments. don't forget! i also had to sort through all the homework, classwork, candy sale deadlines, PTA committees (i'm on 2, plus am the PTG Board Parliamentarian), oktoberfest committees, and i got a few clients in there somewhere. plus all the little stuff in between. whew.

so, that was from thursday 9/4 to wednesday 9/10. but see, wednesday was a mess all in itself.

got that morning all ready to conquer my list of things 'to do' (many of you know that i live by my list, and it's a running joke!) in order for me to be prepared to head off to surgery and beyond. so the anal december capricorn that i am was cruising along, right on time with getting ladybug off to school. 7:40am, heading out the door with time to spare (school is less than 3 minutes away if i catch all 3 stop lights - yes!). sitting in my T5 all ready to get my fix, i tell ladybut to buckle up and hand her the garage door opener (it's her 'thing'). then.... no, No, NO! my baby won't start!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

she cranks. but never catches. shit. i've got to get ladybug to school, then my 'to do' list. we unbuckle and head back inside. i call around and finally find someone to get her for me. one of my dear, dear 'big sis's' BOTW. she swoops in and saves the day! well, morning. now, what the hell is going on with my baby? i've got so much to do!

well, at some point in the day, i managed to call the dealership and gieco insurance for tow service (can i say how much i love gieco?!?) to get her towed in. what struck me though was that i actually began to cry as the tow guy (a cuttie too) began hooking her up. you all already know how much i love her, have a most unusual relationship with her.

i'm babbling on and on... it's the drugs, sorry. i'll cut to the chase.

that was the first big issue that opened the door. what drained me completely and left me spent was my truely beloved, beloved dog malik. later in the evening, again, after an incredibly crazy day, my first baby had a crisis. i haven't told any of you what the deal is with him, so here you go. he's a huge (188lbs) alaskan malamute that we've had for 13 years. he's the first dog juan and i got 'together', eventhough i had no say so. it was all his decision. his dog. well, somehow over the years, malik and i have developed this incredible bond (all you dog people/pet parents know what i'm talking about!!). no, i'm not the kind to let 'em kiss me in the mouth, or feed them from my fortk at the table. but i love him. he might be in the bed if he were'nt almost 200 pounds and so hairy and slobbery. since i've been sick, i fell that that bond has gotten even stronger. i'm in the house all day long and he's there with me to keep me company. to let me vent. laugh, cry. he's my partner. and i love him. and like ladybug, there are few words to truly describe how i feel about him.

earlier this year we discovered that he has some type of cancer in his abdomen. the vet said that we could take him up to uc davis for surgery, and at that point they'll know if he can be helped - given a few more years, of if we'll have to put him down - right then. i was beyond upset. i didin't understand. he was still quite spry, bouncing around with lots of energy, very playful. nothing like a 13 year old dog. i decided that we wouldn't do the surgery, that we'd take it one month at a time. that was in february of this year. in the last month he's lost the pep in his step. he drags one of his hind legs due to the tumor i guess. and in the last couple weeks, he's really not eating. only about less than a half of coup of dry food, and then i have to drown it in rice and broth or gravy. he's lost quite a bit of weight. i worried about him the whole time i was in atlanta.

so, fast forward to the day before my surgery..... i'm in the house working on one of my to do lists and i hear this awful, nails on a chalk board, yaowl. it was awful! malik has somehow missed the small step up too the grassy area of the kitchen patio, and got himself stuck against the porch step. i still don't know how it happened, or why he was stuck. but he was. he couln't get himself up and he was in terrible pain.

i rushed out to try to turn him, but the more i pushed and pulled, the more he yelped and yowled. oh my heart was breaking! i tried so hard to get him up, he still wieghed at least 130lbs. i ran upstairs and got my long beach towel and somehow got it up under him, and around his hind legs. i would pull and tell him 'up malik'. he tried, but them it got to a point where he had nothing to give me. oh my heart. i closed my eyes, said a prayer, and gave it all i had.

and it worked. i got him up, but he couldn't stay up. i fell. i got up, and got him up again, positioned him just so, but he still wasn't able to stand up. so he layed down, and i sat next to him, and cried. i cried my heart out. i cried for him, my car, ladybug, and for myself. i cried hard.

i whispered in his ear not to leave me. not yet. i asked him to wait for me. and he's hanging in there. i told juan what happened and he said, "well babe, it's probably about that time for him". i got angry. but he's right. juan is right. like my 12year old yellow lab did when i was 20 years old, i have been expecting malik to 'tell' me when he's ready. he's not in any pain. still happy camper attitude, although a bit hard because he gets stiff, he's still able to get around. but juan is right.

as they rolled me into the surgery room, i was saying my 'see you later's to my daddy and juan, and the second to the last thing i said to him was that he had better not do a damn thing to malik until i get out of the hospital. and that i didin't care if it required life support!!!!

i am happy to report that as of today, malik is doing just fine.

be well :)

update..

2008-09-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

hello there!

yes, i'm still here. i'm a bit beat up, but am keeping on keeping on. this is my first access to laptop, and it feels funny. i haven't been able nor up to posting really.

so, here's the 4-1-1- ....

i'm not ready to go home :( so they've moved me over to the skilled nursing facility or "SNiF". the stubborn me say's hell yes, i'm ready to go home. emotinally. mentally. but i am really not ready to go home... physically. and i recognize this. so, i didn't put up a fight, believe it or not (Babz!). yes, i'm behaving. i'm in skilled nursing because i still am having medical issues, along with my other cadre of stuff, so it'm not just your regular ole hip replacement. there's more too it.

i had a few set backs with medication mixups (both over and under dosing), and blood work numbers not looking so good (had to have a blood transfusion), and finally juan just going off on everybody!

overall, i am doing well. truthfully, i am not feeling too hot, i hit a wall today and just had nothing to give. i couldn't even pretend. plus, and most importantly, i am missing my family - my baby - ladybug. she started crying on the phone last night and i almost lost it! i was able to talk her down though, and managed to avoid the waterworks tonight. i'm ready to go home everyone. but, enough being sad. i've got to get my bum in gear and start working tomorrow so i can come home!

thanks for listening. caring.

be well :)

i've always had a 'thing' for power tools! surgery anyone?

2008-09-10T23:26:00.000-07:00

yeah, i know. it's been awhile and i just wish i had the time and energy to fill you in on all that has happened since i've come back from atlanta. but i can't. so i will give you 'just the facts, ma'am' as my guy joe friday would say....

well, the time has come. yep. gotta go get cut up in about 7 hours. i feel a bit better about it now, but the last few days have been hell. really.

it all began last week thursday when we got back from atlanta, and i had to begin all my pre-op stuff - labs, joint replacement classes, several rounds of pow wow's with all my various doctors to discuss my delicate situation. they kept talking about all the risks involved in my case particulary - neurological relapse, heart/lung issues all over again ( i won't go into detail because i just don't want to think about it anymore). then they say that the whole point of hip replacement surgery is to relieve pain and improve mobility. well, my mobility issues are not due to the fact that i, in essence, do not have a right hip, nor do i feel the excrutiating pain i'm supposed to be in because if my neuroligical issues.

so i got quite aggitated all of a sudden. "why am i taking all these significant risks to fix the pain in my hip that i don't feel?" plus there were anesthesia issues - do we put her 'out' or just in 'twilight'? well, they're gonna put me on the respirator to protect my lungs (part of a grand, well orchestrated plan mind you), so they felt i would fight it if i were in twighlight, where as my neuro issues could kick up again if they put me out. well what is a doctor to do?

i told them that they better figure all this crap out, and to beyond my satisfaction. needless to say, i was scared. and anxious.

i'm not so scared anymore, but i am still anxious.

so, that was thursday. yesterday the doc's met and worked it all out to my satisfaction. but i still had a day from hell. my baby, my T5 wouldn't start. i actually started to cry when she was loaded on the flatbed tower and taken away to the dealership. and my other baby, my dog malik, had a crisis and i boohooed after that. (he's 13 years old mind you, and has cancer too). i was all alone, and he fell and couldn't get up. now, he's normally almost 200lbs. but because he's sick, and now, i realize, is near the end, he's stopped eating and has lost alot of wieght. anyway, that's just a third of it all. it was a, excuse me, shitty day.

so now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip and so smooth and is an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's somethign about the way she says tomorrow. she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hung from my own mommy, and the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this.....

ps... i love you.

still in the ATL!

2008-09-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

hi there!

we had to shoot up to south carolina for a wedding - hubby was the best man, and did a great job! i am still so impressed and proud of him for the speech/toast he made! and i need not tell you how handsome, no, fine, he looked in his tux! it was the last of his 'playboy/fratboy' friends. a freind whom i really like. during the first year of our marriage, i was so ready to divorce him. i said 'hey, i'm catholic, we can get this badboy annulled, and i can pack you up and send you home to your mamma!" it was ugly. but his 'boy' talked to him, showed him the error of his ways, and helped him, reminded him, just what an angel he had, and just how lucky and blessed he was to have someone like me in his life. ahhh, but i digress. ;)

it really was wonderful to see him so very happy. and i am so very happy, and excited for him. and them. may god bless them.

with all the running around we did, supposedly - i don't think we did - i somehow missed a few doeses of my medications. in particular, my siezure meds. so guess what? i had a few siezures. am still having them actually. i began feeling funky on last thursday. well, i never actually recovered from the flight.

i'm really pissy about this developement because 1) i haven't been able to do anything that I'VE wanted to do/go/see. as of today, i haven't seen any of my freinds either, including someone that i've met in the blogworld that i really want to meet (so sorry dowg :(... i'm PISSY. well, i can't be too pissy, because i have been able to see my cousin/brother, whom i ADORE! but still. i haven't made it to the AUC campus to see my old scools (CAU and Spelman), nor have i been to my old neighborhood in midtown, or any of my old hangouts.

yeah, i know.... wah, wah, wah. it's just that it's been at least 2 and a half years since i've been to my second home, and been able to see all my friends.

so, hubby has me here at my s-i-l's (where we always stay when we come to town) in the brookhaven neighborhood, marinating. i call it being on lockdown. the good thing is that i will get to see two of my closest friends - 'cedmo' and "macD" - and their families. they're going to come to me since i'm gimpin around. YAY!!

now i just have to figure out how to help ladybug get over the fact she can't go swimming today, lol!

be well!!

ps.... stay tunned for pic's!

humbling

2008-08-27T21:03:00.001-07:00

ok, i know i'm a couple of days late, but i have one name for you..... MICHELLE OBAMA.

how amazing did i think she was? is. she electrified me, captivated me, in a way that haunts me. it felt so good to sit there with my family and see, in essence, my friends. my collegues. me. in her.

yes. it is good to be an american.

oh so happy!

2008-08-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

sorry to be mia again. we're in atlanta this week because hubby is best man in a wedding in south carolina this weekend, so we stopped off here. hubby get's his mommy fix, we get to see the family, they get to see us, and most importantly..... i got my hair done today!!!!! oh yeah baby!! i've been going to this particular hairdresser here in atlanta for about 18 years now. i know, i'm in northern california. yes, i would fly out here just to see her. yep. so i got my poor hair done today, and she had to snip, snip, but it still looks, and feels, fantastic!

we got here very early saturday morning after taking the red eye (an overnight flight) friday, and my body didn't handle the flight very well, so i'd been out of commission 'til yesterday really. there weatehr has been just awful! there were at least 4 tornado warnings today, and it's been raining since we've been here. poor ladybug. there's a pool in my sister in laws (sil) gated townhouse development, and ladybug has been begging to go swimming since we've been here.

i miss this town. i used to live here. for almost 8 years in the 90's. it's were i finished my degrees. met dear hubby. learned how to be me. glorious me. i loved this place. it holds very sweet spot in my heart. but it's not how it was anymore. it's changed so much. and i'm not sure if i like it. don't get me wrong. it's still HOTlanta! great night life, restaurants, shopping. for sure. but, so many people have come to town from all over, and it's just changed. and i don't it necessarily for the good.

i haven't had a chance to get out and explore my second home yet. i havn't been back for at least 2 years, which is a very long time for me. i used to come back 4-6 times a year. or more. so it was like i had never left. i lived in midtown. steps from peidmont park, and it was so ideal! i had a great apartment! the neighborhood was beautiful. all you had to do was open your windows in the spring to smell magnolia's, dogwoods, daffodils, and otther great smelling flora. then, in the fall, the leaves would turn golden brown and you'd think you're in vermont. and the rain! i loved it here!

well, i know i'm rambling on adn everything is disconnected. it has taken me 3 hours to write this due to major distractions - hillary clinton has been speaking, then i got a piece of cake, then ladybug came downstairs to entertain us. then i fussed at her to brush her teeth and go to bed! then, we had a small thundershower, which i just LOVE, so i stopped to take that in from out on the porch. plus, i'm in a fog myself. still trying to recover from the flight. it knocked me on my butt for some reason.

so, off i go to rest now. hopefully i can sweet talk hubby into driving me around tomorrow so i can see our city. he's a sweetheart. hey!! a dear hubby story.... he took me to my hairdresser in a driving rain storm (under a tornado watch-seriously!), then stayed there with me. yep. the whole time. chatted with the ladies a bit. helped my stylist, who owns the building too, with an unexpected minor repair til the repairman came out. how sweet is he?

i love me some him!

be well :)

yes, i'm still here, just...

2008-08-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

well, i don't know. been in a funk of sorts. i've got this surgery thing coming up and i am really not happy about this. i'm scared. and i just don't want to deal with what i'm feeling about it all.

actually, i don't want to deal with any of what i'm feeling, about anything really.

i think all the 'keeping a stiff upper lip' and all positive all the time has caught up with me. i'm so tired. not tired of fighting to live. just the '[fight' maybe. it's just the day to day is wearing me the hell out.

i had a doctors appointment tuesday. one of my specialists. he's a nice guy. better than alot of doc's out there i'm sure. he's very patient and will wait on you. for you. that's why you spend at least 3 hours in his waiting room. and people don't mind. anyway, he, juan, and i were talking about how well i'm doing. the doc is just so excited with how well i'm doing that he was practically giggling. my speech is better, my mobility, breathing, heart function, dexterity, etc... even my labs are really good. he admited that he really didn't think that this day would come, and feels that i willed myself "stable". i think he's right.

there have been, and still are, days when i just decide that i am going to do whatever i need to do at that moment. decide that i'm not going to deal with the pain at the moment. that i have to grin and bear it. that i will be positive about all of this because it could be so much worse. because opposite of positive is not an option to me.

then he went on to say that i must still be mindful that all this doesnt' mean that i'm out of the woods. "these are very serious diseases ....." eventhough he wishes that it were that simple. that that was the case. i should'nt get cocky and confident and stop taking the billions of pills that i still have a hard time managing, eventhough i'm taking way less that have ever taken since i've been sick. i could hear in his voice that he was trying hard not to say the word. that damn word. the word that means everyday that you wake up is a blessing because you are not suppose to be here because something has invaded your body, your brain, and is stealing your life. the word that means you are no longer how you used to be. that your life is no longer how it used to be. nor will it ever. but the opposite of positive is not an option for me.

but then, he went on to rave and say "how good you look!", and all sorts of things along those lines. and then, he said it. what i probably hate the most, and he should know better. he said "if i didn't know any better, i'd say you don't look sick at all!". now, i know he meant absolutely nothing by that. especially him. he's been through hell and back with me several times and we have a unique relationship. he was, is just so very happy for me. and i know that everyone else who's said that very thing to me on countless occasions meant nothing by it either. but i still lost it. yep. i did.

yes, i'm much, much better than i've been in a very long time. i've come a long way! but i've yet to figure out how to explain how those words make me feel. i'm dying. so i guess everyone expects me to look the part. well i can't help that i "look great". and i shouldn't be angry about it, right? well, i'm not really. i am vain one, lol. it's just... i don't know. it bugs the hell out of me. i don't like talking about the pain, physically and emotionally, that i'm in everyday. how sick i feel. how it takes me forever to get out of bed just to go to the bathroom. how hard it is to brush my teeth. dress myself. watch a tv show because it's hard to follow what's going on. how my skin and muscles hurt so badly at times (at least 3 times/wk) that i can't stand to be hugged. that my cognitive function and the way i process information practically reduces me to tears. that i struggle with understanding what's going on around me. hell, it takes me forever just to blog. but the oposite of positive is not an option for me.

yeah, yeah, sob story. sorry, i know i've gone off on a rant. i'm just tired. and i'm wanting my life back.

but this is my life. this is what's behind how 'good i look'. so i cried. because i know now that this IS my life. now. and i can't get back to how i was. and i am so very sad. and tired. and frustrated. and i don't want to deal with any of how i'm feeling about it all. and i wish i could feel as good as i look.

and... i am still positive.

be well :)

unexpectetd anxiety

2008-07-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

ladybug started city daycamp this week and cani tell you how excited i am?? i've had her all summer so far and i need a break!!

thank goodnes she loves the camp. it's not the fiasco that the summer drama camp had been a few weeks ago. she likes it because they're doing exactly what she wants to do - play all day, rip and run outside, swim, and go on little mini adventures around the neighborhood. yes!!

the only thing is that once a week, on wednesdays, they take an 'out of town' field trip. they're not really going far at all, it's just that they're leaving our little town, and to little kids, it's 'far'.

so ladybugs group went to the oakland a's game yesterday. can i tell you how anxious and nervous i was? and how i was trying to figure out how i could go too? why? well, the thought of her being that far away without me, juan, my mom or dad warching over her. protecting her. and, yes, even the possibility of something happening to her. (my mind actually went there! yikes) i was almost sick.

i asked the counselors in charge who all was going, how many real adults where going, how old were they, how long have they been couselors, and how were they getting to the game. yep, i sure did do that. i found myself being a nervous ninny mom, and so what.

and you know what else i did? i sat there in the parking lot, in my T5, for an hour and 45 minutes, waiting til they left for the game. yep. i did. and, when the buses came, i wrote down the name of the company, and bus id numbers, license plate numbers, and the description of the drivers. i felt a bit better to see that the drivers were female. i don't know why. interesting.

you see, she's it for me due to this damn disease. i find myself fighting myself, trying to keep myself from getting this way whenever she leaves me. this fear, really. fear of losing her because she's it for me. and because she's it for me, is why god made her so perfect. perfect for me. and this life situation we've found ourselves in.

so yes, i did that. and i don't care. i felt so much better in having done it. i love and treasure her. she (along with hubby) is my life. so... so what!

:)

see ode to ladybug

oh the joy of a child, thank you glo

2008-07-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

for christmas hubby and i (more me than him) had decided at the last minute that ladybug should have a doll house. something that every little girl should have, if possible. we, or i, came to this conclusion one day about a week or so before christmas when i was struck at how non-little-girly our beloved daughters room was.

now, don't get me wrong. she has the girly bed and all the trimmings from potterybarn kids, a fantastic custom closet were she has a mini library of books and an decent assortment of dvd's (both educational and for entertainment), a computer, a very few nic nacs, and clothes. her bathroom is barely girly as well. what's missing?

dolls and a doll house for them to stay.

other than the one culturally accurate 'groovy girl' that she's had since she was 2 or 3, there was no doll life in existance. from the moment we knew we were having a little girl, i declared our house a babrie free zone. so i guess because of that, teh whole doll world, and what goes with it, just slipped my mind. we are'nt big toy parents in general. we've been described as giving ladybug a pencil and a blank sheet of paper and told her to 'have at it'. no, not really. we just feel that there it's not necessary to have tons or toys.

i'll ever forget the time when i had orderd her this really neat leapfrog toy that finally came. so we got all excited when the ups guy rang teh doorbell! we opened the box and ... WOW!! LOOK!! this great toy!! she could have cared less about the toy, she spent the nedt 2 weeks playing heartily with the box is came in. yep. she was 3. and she's still like that. so, between having several of those experiences, and just not being into having tons of toys, the doll thing just fell through the cracks.

so now, here we are, a week from christmas. it was all i could do to find an african american barbie doll, and the doll house, any doll house? forget about it!! and we did. well, sort of. it was always in the back of my mind.

then, glo to the rescue!! the very week that i began to search for a doll hoouse as a back to school present, glo emailed me to ask if we could use her daughter's old doll house. how fantastic is that?!? how thoughtful and loving glo is. she really truly is. i am so bleesed.

we surprised ladybug with it last friday and i almost cried from watching her joy and happiness. really. she is trully in heaven with it. i got up the other night around 2:30am to go to the bathroom and i could hear this funny cling clack sound coming from her room. she was up in teh middle of the night playing with her doll house! i just wish glo could see how happy ladybug really is with her thoughtful and loving gift.

thanks glo, i love you :)

can i get a wet wipe... puhleeez??!?!?

2008-07-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

uuuhhhhhG!!!

i just can't take this anymore. these damn hot flashes. they're truly hell sent and will most certainly be the means to my ruination i tell you!!

yes, hot flashes. "but, you're so young..?" you say. yeah, well..... chemotherapy induced menopause doesn't discrimate. and nothing i can do about it. nothing.

horomone replacement therapy? nope. i have 'throw' clots. would want a blood clot to hit my brain, or my heart, or my lungs. that wouldn't be good at all , lol! ok,, maybe not so funny.

like these damn hot flashes!!

i'm thinking of that moment in the movie "steel magnolias" when sally field's character M'lyn is having a rant at her daughter shelby's graveside about how bad she feels. she says she "I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!..". that's how i feel.

no, of course i don't want anyone to be in my position. i don't want anyone to really feel like i feel. to be going through what i'm going through. hell, at times. it's the emotion of that scene, that's what i mean. that's how bad i feel.

yeah, yeah, i know there's all sorts information and resources out there about how to deal with them. soy. black cohosh. vitamin e. humor replacement therapy. accupuncture. yoga. etceterra, etceterra, etceterra.....

so what!! i'm angry!! there was no perimenopause. no easing up sideways to it. it came quickly. chemo came along, held a gun to my head, and forced me to take a running leap off a cliff'.... i'm not ready!!

well, i'm off now to take another quick shower before i go to bed and soak through another set of sheets.

be well :)

OMG!! BABZ DAY!!!

2008-07-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

hey everyone!

i'm so blessed! i have made some wonderful, wonderful friends through this blogosphere world, and i am so thankful.

one in particular has become just a wonderful spirit in my life is lovebabz. like my girl glo, we connected devinely by chance and, for me at least, it was love at first speak. she is nothing but love and strength and courage to me.

well, she came this way for the BlogHer conference held in san francisco weekend before last. and i'm awful for only just now posting about this! the original plan was that we were to attend the conference together along with sharing the hotel room. FUN!!! well, there were grave mixups on my end ( i am NOT going to talk about it! lol!) and that didn't happen. you have no idea how upset and sad i was. no idea at all.

she said "don't worry about that, it's in the past. it's done". she had a good point, and i knew that to be true, but... i was still pissed! whatever.

anyway, we got it together and went on with the the last part of our original plan, which was to spend sunday together. YAY!!

hubby and ladybug drove me in to the city to pick her up at the hotel, and i played tour guide whle babz played tourist. she hopped into the drivers seat of my beloved lil black T5... yes, she drove my T5. that's how much i love her!!

how jealous are you?!?

so we drove around the city with me pointing things out, she drove us across the golden gate bridge, then throught marin. he hit my house for a breaher and to pick up my camera. then i gave her a brief tour of my little village hamlet that's just 20 minutes north of the city in the east bay. then we headed into oakland for some soul food, and she got to meet my daddy and one of his cadre of character acquaintences. babz watched me pig out, then we headed back home. i was exhaused, truth be told. i realy wanted to get her around oakland more. but next time.

how jealous are you?!?

so we headed back to the 'ponderosa' (my house), to exhale again and chit chat. oh it was soooo good to have my babz with me, live and in living color! we sat on my beloved comfy blue sofa and laughed and talked and giggled. she got to see the mess of all my crafting in my diningroom, my dog, and all the things surrounding my as i communicate to you. just blessed!

how jealous are you?!?

lastly, my 'lil sister shannon came by to take babz back to the hotel. happiness. sadness. it wasn't enough. i'm not ready. bittersweet.

but still. i got to lay hands and eyes on, and be blessed by my babz. i love you.

what would you say when, well, you're still here?

2008-07-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

first, let me say sorry for staying away for so long, i hate worring you all. i've had quite a bit of busy-ness going on. but some great fun as well, so stay tuned! now, down to business!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if you had the opportunity to write your own eulogy, today, what would you say?

honestly, i wouldn't know what to write about myself. yeah, there's the usuall stuff, for me. like.. doing what's right, and living with intergirty, etc.. i really do go out of my way to do the right thing. we should do what we can to help people. i beleive strongly that truth and integrity is more than very important, and i am "truthful to a fault"... as my dad says (well, 99.99% of the time ;~)

anyway, i got to wondering about what i would say about myself. i got to thinking about whether or not i'm truly living a true, honest, and authentic life. am i being true to me? which happens to be my life goal. am i really doing it? am i really giving this goal the attention that i feel it deserves? it's hard for me to do right now actually. especially when, if you're like me. surrounded by people who go out of their way to be inauthentic. who have created, and insist on being in, their own world and truths. then inflict all that on me.

i know what i would like my eulogy to say. i think of all those who've passed on, and how everyone had such wonderful things to say about the. the good, the loving, the humble, the gracious, the authentic. of course i want all those words to be used when talking about me. but i want to BE those things now. for me. not for anyone else. not for anyone else to say that about me because they think i'm nice, or cute, or smart. or funny. or dealing with health life threatening health issues. NO. FOR ME.

this is important to me. because life is important to me. living is important to me. living fully, with joy, love, truth, intergrity, and great food (ha!) is critical to me. so this eulogy, this statement of my life, if you will, is me. but you see. i want this eulogy, to be the statement of my life NOW. how i live. as i live. why wait til i'm gone?

why wait til you're gone?

hmmm... so what would i say?

that i am living my life fully! with joy, passion, excitement! for my family. my daughter. oh my beautiful ladybug! my dear hubby. my wonderful friends. ah, my friends. that i love to laugh, and that great food, good music, and driving my beloved 'lil black "T-5" feed my soul. how i care deeply, and do for those in need. i always root for the 'underdog', and look for the good along with the great in people.

i'd like to go on really, but fear sounding vain. well, i am a bit vain, not modest at all, lol! but you know what i mean? what i'm really trying to say? i mean to say that i want to live to the highest degree of good. get as close to god as i can, quietly, gently, humbly, through my living. i may not be using the right words to express myself. me and my aphasia. (frustration)

so what would your eulogy, no, life statement be? what would you say about you? as you live?

be well :)

p.s...
for me, being authentic means being true to myself and my interactions with others - my feelings, my thoughts, my passions, needs, and wants, and communicating them with honesty, truth, compassion, empathy, and integrity.... right now at least. :)

my holiday experience

2008-07-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

hey there! how was your holiday weekend? safe i hope. we spent ours at home. together. and we sang happy birthday to america, then sang one of my favorite songs... the national anthem. then... FIREWORKS!! yay!!

so we went to our little spot over to our secret spot at shan's house, to watch our towns fireworks show. it's nothing fancy at all. our town is very much a little village in a way. just how i like it, considering that i'm a city girl. there were lots of people, families. on bikes. lots, like us, had blankets and lawn chairs. it's so fun, mainly i think because it's very much about family and community here.

but while we were watching the show, something interesting happend. i began to pray. aloud. i couldn't help it. then, the lady next to me started to pray with me. and the guy on the other side started. then the young lady, couldn't have been more than 20. and another guy, clearly a dad. and his wife. then, we had a big 'yes lord, thank you jesus, amen' corner going.

it was amazing. it was wonderful. it was...... i don't have the words. but i wish that everyone could have had that moment too. where there were first some strangers and neighbors and friends. then became family. family under god. and country.

nice.

be well :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

2008-07-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

with all that's going on in these days, i am so very thankful, and proud, to be an american.

yes, there are partys, bbq's, potatoe salad, water games, and yes, my very favorite... fireworks! but lets still please remember why we are celebrating this day in the first place.

this is the day that america was born. born of hope and struggle. hard fought freedoms for all. freedom.

let us remember also those who have, and are still at this very moment, fighting for this freedom. our flag represents so so much. and i love it. my god i love it.

yes, i'm the one who gets emotional when i hear the 'star bangled banner', and sing along to every word. everyone should know the words to it. and yes, i get emotional when i think of this county's natural beauy and wonders. and it's people. i love this county's people.

i love america. america. america.

i wish all of you and yours a very happy and safe 4th of july!

be well :)