blue

again, so sorry for being missing in action. i can't say that i've been busy. i can't say that i've been sick.

i've just been, well..... blue.

not depressed. just, blue. i am realizing that i have been slowly, slowly giving in to my diseases and situation. not necessarily in a conscious way. but yes, in a way, consciously. each day i would knowingly surrender. decide that i'm not going to be present in my life a little bit at a time... by not stretching today. i'm not going to read today. decide not to talk to clients today. not to get on the computer. not to answer the phone. not to cook. not to craft. to just not be me. not to fight anymore.

i'm tired. i'm tired of being sick. and i'm tired of this fight. i want a different fight. is that even possible? i mean, really. i realize that i've sort of been on pause - just waiting, in a way, for all of this to be finished. you know, like when you're watching a bad movie. or in a meeting you don't want to be in. or when you picked up the phone and realized it's not someone you really wanted to talk to at that moment. just waiting. waiting to be finished so i can move on. i've got things to do, places to go, people to see and be with. ya know?

while struggling with what to do to not be so blue, i see that i've even not blogged about all that i'm feeling for fear of alarming, being borish, or, heaven forbid... sounding all "woe is me-ish" and in need of some "there, there now...". which i probably do need now that i think about it, lol!
i was just shaking it all off, the blueness, and trying to kick tinybutt back into gear when i was at another doctors appointment last week. i got some not so great news, which i new was coming, but just didn't want to hear, or deal with. i just don't want to deal with this shit anymore. so, it just smacked the blue right back on me. and here i sit. feeling alone. and blue.

it's so hard, i feel, because i do feel alone. eventhough i know i'm not. i have a few close sister friends i could confide in. and a ton more acquaintences that always offer their ear. and i do appreciate that. yet that's so hard for me to do. i'm the one they come to for the "there, there's". i'm the one that makes it all clear and safe and ok for them. hell it's who i am and it's what i do.
you see, i am a professional certified life coach. have been for a very long while. and i love it. besides my family and friends, it really keeps me going because it helps me feel so useful and relevant. but. because i'm the 'go to' person, the one who (according to everyone else) has all the answers, or can at least help figure it out, find a way, always know's what to say and how to say it....it's so very hard for me to be vulnerable to someone else. that's really the main reason why i began blogging. so i could be annonymously vulnerable. because i do need to be able to.

but, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. and i want to be ok with being emotionally naked in my world. bare and honest. but how do i make others, those closest to me, feel ok with that. will they understand me. no. i've tried. they're scared. and that's ok. but where does that leave me in the mean time.

blue. feeling it, and then moving on.


be well :)