playing catch up....again

**** THIS POST WAS DONE EARLY MONDAY MORNING ****
well here i am playing catch up again. yeah, yeah, i know ~ it's been a looong while now. sorry. have had alot on my plate, and not. there were day's that i was desperate to blog. especially when there was some little milestone of ladybugs to share, or was needing to vent about something hubby or mommy dearest had done.

but i always come back to the issue i have with how much of me i'm comfortable with sharing. for someone who's happy to share, who shares so much with everyone else, i'm finding it hard to understand why it feels so awkward for me to share here. hmmm....

anyway, it has been an interesting few weeks for sure! the school year is in full swing for my ladybug, and third grade is proving to be a wonderful adventure for her (as well as hubby and i!). she's had her first book report due and it was so much fun! along with the report, she had to do a diorama of her favorite scene in the book. that meant she got to go crazy with all my craft stuff. she was in heaven, and the project was a success.

there's also been a fair share of mama drama as well. i don't think i've ever talked about my mommy (yes, i call her mommy still) and our relationship here in the blog, other than dropping hints like when i call her 'mommy dearest'. yes, it's a very difficult, stressful, and above all else, toxic relationship - one that i really don't like to talk about. not because it's painful, but just that, well.... now after the long pause for a few rounds of computer solitaire in (my name is angela, and i am a computer solitaire addict) i just took to re-evaluate what i was about to say, i realize that yes, it really is painful. there's alot there, and even more so because of what's happened recently, i'll get more into the situation very soon. again, it's just too difficult, and too long for me to share in this post. after all, i'm playing catch up!

so, my life coaching practice is usually pretty steady, but it's going ganbusters right now, which is great! i love what i do oh so very much. it blesses me in such a way that, honestly, i feel, helps keep me going. my clients honor me with their trust and confidence, and i can't tell you how much it humbles me. how i appreciate and hold sacred the relationships i've developed. but i still have tons of work to do! i've got to get my website up and running and i've given myself a deadline of the end of the year. no, i don't need that much time to get a website up, but, well....

well, i've got to start chemotherapy again. yep. here we go again. i was suppose to start last thursday, but got a last minute reprieve. two of my doc's were out of town and weren't going to be back in time. so they pushed it to tomorrow, well today, monday. they both want to be in town due to the fact that i often have a mild reaction to one of the chemo drugs i get.
did i pitch a fit as usual when i got the news that i had to start up again? nope. that's right. i was calm, cool and collected. no pouting, no negotiating, well yes, there was some negotiating (c'mon on, it's me!!). i did pretty good when they told me. and i just can't explain my reaction really. i don't know. it's like i'm in this fog. like "whatever".

bummed? yep. i'm about a week shy of 17 months since my last round of chemo. i was told i'd never make it past 20 months. then that i'd never be able to go more than 3 months without need regular chemo. so going back feels like stepping back. you know that saying.... 3 steps forward, 2 steps back... not sure if i should even be posting about it now because i'm feeling really crappy about having to do this. the timing sucks too. i'm in the middle of creating a few new workshops, there's some new business ideas, contracts, and new business i want to go after. i don't want to be sick over the holidays. and ladybugs birthday is at the end of november. ok, now i'm angry. and ready to fight.

well, it's 2:28 am now so i'd better get in the bed. enjoy these pics.

be well :p

the fight must go on

october is breast cancer awareness month and i'm glad, because we need to fight it. this is a disease that affects so many, not just women. and this is a disease that can be conquered. but only if we fight.

we must also be mindful that there are several other diseases that are in need of awareness too. that need to be fought just as fiercely as breast cancer.

let's also make the time to honor those still courageously fighting. lets uplift them and cheer them on, leting them know that we are here! i'm blessed to know some incredible people who are currently engaged in battle . they encourage me, inspire me, amaze me. and i'm thankful for them (holly, traci, laurie, miranda, catherine, and yvette).

yes, there's more, much more i'd like to say but i'm not feeling well today, and i'm not as eloquent as i would like to be. so i will leave you with a plea to be aware. be aware of your body, your health, your life. take control of them. make the time and do it now. and please take a moment to see what you can do to advace the fight against breast cancer, along with the many other cruel and vicious disease out there that snatch away the lives of those we love dearly. take a moment this month to remember them. honor them.

be well :)

acting now

i've just been over to a blog buddy's site (ko johnson) and got blown completely away. that johnson boy said what?!! i'm still processing it, and probably should sleep on it because eventhough i'm totally compelled to write about it right now, i'm certain i'll miss some of the essence of what his post has made, is making me feel. i see now why his blog carries that name. ouch.

to the point. as i've mentioned before, i've been really chewing on several things, one of which is how to proceed with this blog of mine. i had been holding back here for concern of how others would react, how what i post effects others. no more. so back to blogging, however, i'm still struggling with how much and of what to post. so stand by please....

now, back to what that johnson boy said. humpf. here goes.

k.o.'s post is an excerpt from a book actually, and to me, it talks about fear and action. fear and inaction. fear is a powerful emotion and can lead you down some dark roads. because of fear, i found myself mired down in shrubs of inaction. almost completely covered and immobile.

i am also still struggling with who i am now, as someone who is sick and will not get better. and the fear because of it. i've been fighting that fear in all sorts of interesting and dangerous ways. gaining better sense and getting smarter about it i conquer each month. each year. i've been known to say "i used to be stubborn and stupid. now i'm just plain stubborn" in regards to my behavior and the risks i took because of the fear. fear of no longer being angela. no longer being here.

then i had a couple of really bad years healthwise, of which i'm coming out of, and i allowed that fear to render me immobile. due to my health i was forced not to act initially, then unwilling, then becoming unable.

i want me back. oohhh so very badly. me was sharp as a tack (inside and out), quick and polished, fearless, confident, and more than capable. definately a bit cockey, yet humble. always in motion and always about action (amazing what you can see in hindsight). but i can't have me back, not the way that i was. so i've got to figure out who i am now - in addition to my health. i don't want my health to define me, but i have to figure out how to add it as part of my definition. i want to continue to do the things i do best, the things i love to do, living my life. but how as the person that i am now?

i've got to figure all this out. and how?

i will act..... thanks k.o.

be well :)

I will act now.
Never has there been a map, however carefully executed to detail and scale, which carried its owner over even 1 inch of ground. Never has there been a parchment of law, however fair, which prevented one crime. Never has there been a scroll, even such as the one I hold, which earned so much as a penny, or produced a single word of acclamation. Action alone is the tinder which ignites the map, the parchment, this scroll, my dreams, my plans, my goals, into a living force. Action is the food and drink which will nourish my success.

I will act now.
My procrastination which has held me back was born of fear, and now I recognize this secret mined from the depths of all courageous hearts. Now I know that, to conquer fear, I must always act without hesitation, and the flutters in my heart will vanish. Now I know that action reduces the lion of terror to an ant of equanimity.

I will act now.
Only action determines my value in the marketplace, and to multiply my value I will multiply my actions. I will walk where the failure fears to walk. I will work when the failure seeks rest. I will talk when the failure remains silent. I will call on 10 who can buy my goods, while the failure makes grand plans to call on one. I will say it is done before the failure says it is too late.

I will act now.
For now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the evil become good. I am not evil. Tomorrow is the day when the weak become strong. I am not weak. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure.

I will act now.
When the lion is hungry, he eats. When the eagle has thirst, he drinks. Lest they act, both will perish.

I hunger for success. I thirst for happiness and peace of mind. Lest I act, I will perish in a life of failure, misery and sleepless nights. I will command, and I will obey my own command.

I will act now.
Success will not wait. If I delay, she will become betrothed to another and lost to me forever.

This is the time. This is the place. I am the man.

I will act now.

(Excerpt from The Greatest Salesman In The World by Og Mandino)

GO LADYBUG, GOOOH !!!!!!!

so this time last week we were packing up and heading to reno, nv for the junior olympic trials. ladybug had a great track season, made it to the sub bantam championships, and did surprisingly well at the junior olympic trials - she actually made it to the JUNIOR OLYMPICS in des moine, iowa!!! we are still in shock!! she placed in the 100 meter and 200 meter!! this post is nothing but pics of the reno meet.... enjoy!




she ran saturday, then she qualified for the finals which were sunday. we didn't think she'd qualify because the competition was so seasoned, so we had planned to hand out and play at the resort. poor thing, we had to get her back to the hotel and in the bed, but she and her buddy was not having that! we were staying at the this fabulous resort that had EVERYTHING - a beach, arcades, shopping, go-carts, golf, bungie/sky diving, and sooo much more! so we let them get some swimming in along with some arcade time too!
















overall, we had a blast! it was a a neat get way and we are so proud! she placed 2nd and 5 overall, getting a gold and and bronze medales. i had juan take a pic with those medals because he deserves them just as much as ladybug does. he's a great track dad! boy are we proud of our girl-go ladybug, GO!!

be well :)

i know, i know!!!

it's been a while, sorry. i've been busy, well, sort of. nothing major really, just haven't made the blog a priority this last month or so. i'm working on that because my blog is important to me.

so with that said, let me catch you up on the happenings....

i'll start with my health. all is quiet on that front. i've been stable for a month or so, yet still have my daily challenges. getting around is hard and i'm constantly fighting with hubby about using the walker and the wheelchair, and i will continue to do so. i don't like them, and hate using them. although i concede that i do need them... from time to time. so there!

the bottom line is that i'm still sick and still have very yucky, and very hard days. yes, i am driving a very little bit, which makes me VERY HAPPY!! however, i've had to stop because after going a while with out having any siezures, i've had a few over the holiday weekend because i was probably doing too much, and definately off my routine. that's so very critical for me, to be in a routine, because i'm dealing with, struggling with, trying hard to live with, short term memory loss. so routine is critical. i have good days, not so good days, and fantastic days (regardig my memory). so, no driving for me for a little while. sigh......

things on the work front are going well and i've been quite busy, which i don't mind at all. you see, i'm a certified life coach. i help women to identify, deal with, and move through particular issues in their lives specifically involving work/life balance, finances, and employment/career. day in and day out i help them gain clarity and movement with setting and achieving their goals in these particularly important areas of life - AND I LOVE WHAT I DO!!! it's something i can do from home (or just abotu anywhere for that matter), most of the time, or even in the hospital! as long as i have my laptop, my cell phone, and my headset, i'm good to go, lol! mainly, i get to touch womens lives in a most profound and significant way and that's what and why i love what i do so much. are you passionate about what you do? you should be.

the family is doing well. we got back from reno, nv yesterday and are exhausted (part of why i've been having seizures lately). ladybug had her final track meet and did just fantastically - we are still in amazement! i'll post about that tomorrow (with pics!) because i want to get to fathers day. we had a nice, quiet one, full of love and appreciation. see the pics... i know it's several weeks late, but i hope all the dads out there had a great day too!

be well :)

bittersweetness

this is an interesting day. with mixed emotions.

as of tomorrow, it will be one year since my last round of chemo. yep. a whole year. 12 months. 52 weeks. three hundred and sixty five days. i was told that i would never be able to go more than 2-3 months without the poison until these diseases prematurely take me outta here.

once i realized that chemotherapy, in some form of regularity, be it a round here and there, or during health crisis, weekly would be a part of my life, i set out determine for it not to be. i began setting little chemo goals in two month increments. and yes, i'd really push it. go as long as i could. yes, there were times when i should have hooked up to my port sooner. yes, i'm sure i probably made myself sicker just because i was trying to 'wait it out'. oh well. i belive the body can heal itself if you give it a chance.

anyway, i can't tell you how excited i am. it didn't occur to me actually til last week at one of my many, many regular doctors appointments - the rheumatologist, the cardiologist, the oncologist, the pulmonologist, the neurologist. hmmm ..... feel like i'm forgetting someone.... oh yeah, the good 'ole internist. at some point, at one of those visits, it dawned on me. the feeling that overcame me is one i don't have words for. i can't describe, but will try.

it feels like i've won something. yeah. that's it. just that .... i've won something. i always thought i'd want to celebrate. like in a big way. but i don't. and i've been chewing on the why of it. then sunday it occured to me that it's because i'm really not outta the woods. i could have some kind of episode, or labs could get really funky, and then off i go to get hooked up again. trepidation is keeping me from wanting to celebrate. and i want to celebrate. i should celebrate. but....

fast forward to today. i had an assessment today for a fancy new fangled form of physical rehab therapy that i was really hoping would be the answer for me. it's called bioness and involves electrical stimulation to various parts of the body to help your gait and get your mobility back. to recap again, the disease moved to my brain now and i have seizures, which effect me like strokes, which has somehow interrupted the communication between my brain and certain parts of my body. so the right side of my body is very difficult to move. i also have severe drop foot, among many, many other issues.

so what happened? sadly, i was turned down. i've got too much stuff happening. on the surface, it really seemed like i was an ideal candidate so my neuro, hubby and i were all geeked about it. but nope. not gonna happen. apparently the electric stimulation to my central nervous system is just too much for my poor little body to handle. i began reacting almost right away - i began tremoring, and eventhough the gadget was hooked up to my right leg, i was feeling it in other parts of my body because the signal goes from where the gadgets attached, to the brain, then back again. but i was insistant on pushing through and getting up to walk. i was gonna walk! ( i have several pairs of 3 to 4 inch heels that are depending on me!!)

i deteriorated quickly and began having issues with my heart, and then had what was probably one of my siezures, but different though. it was all very unusual, and i'm still feeling the effects. it was not to be and it was all i could do to not cry while waiting for the elevator with juan.

so maybe i will celebrate. yes. i will. just don't know how. suggestions? i want to, need to get this taste out of my mouth. taste of bittersweetness.

bittersweetness.

be well, because i am ;p

my roots are for real

so yes, it's been a long while since i've posted. and it's been intentional.

i had to put some space between me and this blog of mine to remember, and get clear again, why i began it in the first place. a place. my place.

this was to be a place for me, my place, to explore and extract and examine and uncover me. me and my life, as i deal with, battle with, all my health issues. all while documenting the goings and comings, people, places, and things of my life. unabashedly and unashamed and unappologetically.

but i've gotten away from that. you still get 'me', but i'm not being totally real in the way that i had intended. i've pulled back. slowly. i began talking more about this and that, less about me. what i was truly feeling, dealing with, thought. i realized a few months ago that i began to be more concerned with what you would have to say, would think, would feel in regards to what i shared. scared that my rants, detachment, fears.... my honesty.... would worry you. scare you.

in my short time blogging i've been able to reach out, share my voice, and actually touch people. i'm so amazingly humbled by that. i have developed some wonderful and meaningful relationships that have truly blessed me and my life in special ways, and i'm so very thankful.

i can't continue this way because it's not me. so i'm getting back to me. ME. and all that i am and am not and hope to be. my trials, and triumphs, drama, fun, and funk. as well as taking some risks. all as i truly, honestly see fit. so just as my banner says:

"..... this blog is about me. my truth. my honesty & sometimes my denial. my experiences. my emotions,my highs and lows. as raw and open as i can be. just me. my health battles (whaddiya mean terminal??!!). my journey to discover my authentic self before time runs out. my evolution. the random thoughts that cross my mind, and the goings and comings of my sometimes hectic and not always interesting life. so grab a cuppa or a glass of wine, get comfy, and visit for a while!"

thank you and be well ;p