i'm catholic, but more importantly, i'm a christian who, more than any doctrine, dogma, or organization, believes in God the Father, and with that said, i participate in Lent every year. however for this years Lenten journey, i decided to keep with the theme of 'truth'. it's part of this walk i've been on for the last year or so, where i am determined to stand in and own my truth, therefore getting closer to who God meant for me to be, and serve.
so before i made my list of what to 'sacrifice' for the next 40 days, i asked myself what would i take away, but also add so that when i come to the end of Lent, i am truly changed. i gave this some hard thought and prayer, and His voice came to me: "Lay Your Burdens Down".
whoa.
"What are your burdens Angela?" i can't tell you how eerie and right this made me feel because this last year has been deep and emotionally heavy, and worrisome for me. i've been struggling with a couple of troubling relationships that have, at least for me, called into question my dedication and commitment to the truth, my own truth in particular, and it left me feeling like a fraud and hypocrite - especially since i'm a damn good certified life coach who demands this of my own clients.
i began to see that i needed to, no, i had and have to tell the truth about these relationships, especially to their faces, and stop hiding the hurt, drama, and pain they cause. i've long since forgiven them, but thought that since i had, well, then, it was all done with. nope.
so what's the truth? that my self absorbed parents have hurt me deeply and in ways that were just, well... nobody's perfect. and i've pretended and gone along with them because i was the good and dutiful child-teenager-young adult-grown ass woman - who would never 'speak out' nor 'go against' her parents. and because i was a punk when it came to them and they knew it. also because i was afraid to tell the truth. i've been afraid to speak directly to them about anything meaningful - my truth, at all. yes, i have tried. beating around the bush at first, face to face too. but they're better at mental manipulation. so i have written letters, but have never found the courage to deliver them. this has amazed my husband and myself, because i have managed some amazing situations, incredible ordeals, great at politics, and have a knack for negotiating delicate and difficult situations. but when it comes to my parents...? forget about it. hence, the hypocrite.
this has been my burden. i am now laying it down.
what else i'm i doing for lent you ask? i'm being quiet and still so that i can hear God more clearly by 'disconnecting'. i'm being more intentional with my thoughts and actions. i'm drinking nothing but water and some tea. food fasting two days each week. having evening prayer with hubby and ladybug. i am reading my bible. and more importantly, i am laying my burdens down by telling the truth. MY truth.
be well :)
Showing posts with label proclaimations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label proclaimations. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
finally
alright everyone. after extreme procrastination (fear really), long heart to hearts with myself and God, juan fussing at me to get off my ass and just do it, and prayer.... i've decided to do my own talk radio show.
as many of you may already know, i am a certified life coach (www.coachangela.com) with a busy practice helping women get their acts together around money/financial literacy, love, career transitions, goal identification and accomplishment, and well, just getting through life's tough spots. i absolutely LOVE what i do and feel i've been called by God to do this work, which is why i feel it's a blessing every day. but i've been running from this radio show idea for the last 2 years because i wanted everything to be perfect (anal capricorn), and waiting for the ideal time.....
the website and blogs updated, the marketing done and ready to go, the format and 6-9 months worth of topics in the hopper and waiting, along with a few guests lined up.
NOT. there is no such thing as perfect nor ideal, and i know that. i don't have even half of all that stuff ready to go. there is no ideal time to step out on faith, except for the moment you actually do it.
now that i've set a date and put it out into the universe, it's now real and i must do this. honor God really, because i know it's Him who's pulling me, pushing me really, to do this. you all know how He can be. it's like a rock in my shoe. dang it.
i'm scared.
so what will this show be all about you ask? well, it will be just an extension of my coaching practice and situations and solutions i come across while working with my father in our financial and small business consulting firm. along with lots of "me" and my story, for good measure. oh, and a little bit of nonsense i'm sure. you all know how i LOVE to talk, so we'll see..
there's that fear again. danm. deep breath. i know in my bones that i'm supposed to be doing this. but i'm scared.
no one knows me. who am i to be talking about anything, right? why would anyone want to listen to me? what do i have to say that's meaningful?
damn,. fear. deep breath.
i can do this. i will do this. ok. so there.
stay tuned. the show will launch the week of february 18th.
coach angela's blog
as many of you may already know, i am a certified life coach (www.coachangela.com) with a busy practice helping women get their acts together around money/financial literacy, love, career transitions, goal identification and accomplishment, and well, just getting through life's tough spots. i absolutely LOVE what i do and feel i've been called by God to do this work, which is why i feel it's a blessing every day. but i've been running from this radio show idea for the last 2 years because i wanted everything to be perfect (anal capricorn), and waiting for the ideal time.....
the website and blogs updated, the marketing done and ready to go, the format and 6-9 months worth of topics in the hopper and waiting, along with a few guests lined up.
NOT. there is no such thing as perfect nor ideal, and i know that. i don't have even half of all that stuff ready to go. there is no ideal time to step out on faith, except for the moment you actually do it.
now that i've set a date and put it out into the universe, it's now real and i must do this. honor God really, because i know it's Him who's pulling me, pushing me really, to do this. you all know how He can be. it's like a rock in my shoe. dang it.
i'm scared.
so what will this show be all about you ask? well, it will be just an extension of my coaching practice and situations and solutions i come across while working with my father in our financial and small business consulting firm. along with lots of "me" and my story, for good measure. oh, and a little bit of nonsense i'm sure. you all know how i LOVE to talk, so we'll see..
there's that fear again. danm. deep breath. i know in my bones that i'm supposed to be doing this. but i'm scared.
no one knows me. who am i to be talking about anything, right? why would anyone want to listen to me? what do i have to say that's meaningful?
damn,. fear. deep breath.
i can do this. i will do this. ok. so there.
stay tuned. the show will launch the week of february 18th.
coach angela's blog
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
standing in my truth
as i've mentioned before, i am in the midst of some serious revelations, 'aha' moments.
a few years into being 'sick, after struggling with and against the realization of my new situation, i was just plain worn out. so i decided to just be open to wherever the journey would take me. although i thought that was quite big of myself, i really didn't know what that meant, or what it would mean, would require of me. i didn't always recognize the lessons, the blessings. at times i'd struggle against and resist them. i'd hear God speaking to me and i'd ignore Him. everyday i'd have epic emotional battles over embracing what was happening to me (and the unknown), running from it and hiding, and just plain immobility - to just sit on my comfy blue sofa and stare at my cherry blossom tree through the window. i just didn't know what to do or where to turn. i was afraid.
and yet i continued to live my life, but through a hazy facade and in a half assed way. i'm sure some of it was due to a shitload of medication - enough to take down a small herd of elephants. i feel i had lost myself for a little while, paralyzed by fear and anger, allowing those emotions and the diseases to be in control, all while allowing people to think i was stubbornly resisting it's constraints. yes, i was being stubborn, but just for stubbornness' sake. i didn't see it then...funny how hindsight is always 20/20, right?
but when i realized what was going on, i was too afraid, hurt, ashamed, angry, embarrassed to do anything about it. paralyzed. so i dove into my lifes work - the calling i feel God has placed on my life to help others through my story, experiences, struggles, and revelations - as a life coach. in my work, through my work, i was convicted by God and realized that i was a liar and using my work to hide from myself and my truths.
one of my truths, which will no longer be true for me after this moment, is that i had allowed how others saw me to define me, and i wanted to live up to others expectations and views of me. and why not? they were all mostly good, positive, virtuous - i was smart, i was everyone's friend, i was a great athlete, great employee, good/smart business woman, etc... but it was all someone else' definitions of me. they confined and restricted me, and the moment i stepped outside of them, something was wrong with ME. plus, i just didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially those i love, respect, and look up to.
no more. all done. i'm no longer caring about what you think of me for it is none of my business. yes, i'd like to be loved, respected, admired - blah, blah, blah..you know all that amazing stuff... but i have no real control over that now do i? none of us do. i can no longer be responsible for your feelings, especially if it means denying my own truth.
i also realize now, that a big part of why i hid. i've lied about the hurt, the pain, the mistreatment and abuse that i've suffered/endured at the hands of those who were suppose to love me, and protect me. that 'me' was really just a shell that i had created, because as a child pieces of me, my spirit, had been chipped away, taken, every time i wasn't believed, every time i wasn't heard or trusted, every time i was shown just how much i didn't matter, and made to feel i was in the way, that i was a burden, a responsibility to be endured, then trotted out to be put on display and to perform on cue. thank God that i learned early (late 20's) that i needed to heal, but wasn't clear what to heal from exactly.
i knew it wasn't the obvious childhood molestations (and not being believed the first time them not speaking up after happening again), or surviving troubled self absorbed parents, even though that's enough, right? no, i felt it was deeper. there's always been something about me that allows people to trust me and share the most amazingly personal things in quick order. i've always had sharp cutting insight and could get everyone else to stand in their truths, but i couldn't even reach mine, let alone share them - i instinctively knew that wasn't ok for me.
a heaviness because of this had stayed with me til recently. i just got tired of feeling like a hypocrite and after my most recent health crisis, i have decided to just stop it. this is who and what i am. i have an amazing story, i have survived some amazing things/situations, and am still surviving (THANK YOU GOD!), and thriving. so why should i be afraid of my own damn truth!
be well :)
a few years into being 'sick, after struggling with and against the realization of my new situation, i was just plain worn out. so i decided to just be open to wherever the journey would take me. although i thought that was quite big of myself, i really didn't know what that meant, or what it would mean, would require of me. i didn't always recognize the lessons, the blessings. at times i'd struggle against and resist them. i'd hear God speaking to me and i'd ignore Him. everyday i'd have epic emotional battles over embracing what was happening to me (and the unknown), running from it and hiding, and just plain immobility - to just sit on my comfy blue sofa and stare at my cherry blossom tree through the window. i just didn't know what to do or where to turn. i was afraid.
and yet i continued to live my life, but through a hazy facade and in a half assed way. i'm sure some of it was due to a shitload of medication - enough to take down a small herd of elephants. i feel i had lost myself for a little while, paralyzed by fear and anger, allowing those emotions and the diseases to be in control, all while allowing people to think i was stubbornly resisting it's constraints. yes, i was being stubborn, but just for stubbornness' sake. i didn't see it then...funny how hindsight is always 20/20, right?
but when i realized what was going on, i was too afraid, hurt, ashamed, angry, embarrassed to do anything about it. paralyzed. so i dove into my lifes work - the calling i feel God has placed on my life to help others through my story, experiences, struggles, and revelations - as a life coach. in my work, through my work, i was convicted by God and realized that i was a liar and using my work to hide from myself and my truths.
one of my truths, which will no longer be true for me after this moment, is that i had allowed how others saw me to define me, and i wanted to live up to others expectations and views of me. and why not? they were all mostly good, positive, virtuous - i was smart, i was everyone's friend, i was a great athlete, great employee, good/smart business woman, etc... but it was all someone else' definitions of me. they confined and restricted me, and the moment i stepped outside of them, something was wrong with ME. plus, i just didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially those i love, respect, and look up to.
no more. all done. i'm no longer caring about what you think of me for it is none of my business. yes, i'd like to be loved, respected, admired - blah, blah, blah..you know all that amazing stuff... but i have no real control over that now do i? none of us do. i can no longer be responsible for your feelings, especially if it means denying my own truth.
i also realize now, that a big part of why i hid. i've lied about the hurt, the pain, the mistreatment and abuse that i've suffered/endured at the hands of those who were suppose to love me, and protect me. that 'me' was really just a shell that i had created, because as a child pieces of me, my spirit, had been chipped away, taken, every time i wasn't believed, every time i wasn't heard or trusted, every time i was shown just how much i didn't matter, and made to feel i was in the way, that i was a burden, a responsibility to be endured, then trotted out to be put on display and to perform on cue. thank God that i learned early (late 20's) that i needed to heal, but wasn't clear what to heal from exactly.
i knew it wasn't the obvious childhood molestations (and not being believed the first time them not speaking up after happening again), or surviving troubled self absorbed parents, even though that's enough, right? no, i felt it was deeper. there's always been something about me that allows people to trust me and share the most amazingly personal things in quick order. i've always had sharp cutting insight and could get everyone else to stand in their truths, but i couldn't even reach mine, let alone share them - i instinctively knew that wasn't ok for me.
a heaviness because of this had stayed with me til recently. i just got tired of feeling like a hypocrite and after my most recent health crisis, i have decided to just stop it. this is who and what i am. i have an amazing story, i have survived some amazing things/situations, and am still surviving (THANK YOU GOD!), and thriving. so why should i be afraid of my own damn truth!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
please know, that some one you know....
whew! and yes, again, it's been a while! but i have been busy and in a good way. my health you ask? well, as with everything - there have been ups and downs, but overall - I"M STILL HERE!
LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.
my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain. i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, ever reaching. it keeps me from driving, working 'officially', making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional, from crafting and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, my friends, my family, and myself. it keeps me from finding my words and understanding those spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows and books. it keeps me from rocking my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every day that i wake up, and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a good and regular day for me. and the seizures..... they rob me of so much too.
it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most people, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take away from me my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.
this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure and can kill. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends, yet there's little to nothing in the form of support, resources, and major awareness out there for those suffering from and living with LUPUS. especially in the medical community - so many go mis or undiagnosed.
because of this, and my own frustration with the lack of services and programs, i have started a charitable non profit specifically for women at risk, the newly diagnosed, and warriors living with LUPUS here in my area = THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT for LUPUS. my goal is for this to become a national organization. we are currently registered as an exempt non profit corporation here in california, and are awaiting our federal exemption status at a 501(c)3. we're working on our website now and it will be up soon (www.thebutterflyprojectfoundation.org), as well as the rest of the details, and i will keep you posted so stay tuned!
this is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and someone you know has lupus. please donate and find out more about how you can help those of us with LUPUS by going to www.lupus.org
be well :)
MAY IS LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH
LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.
my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain. i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, ever reaching. it keeps me from driving, working 'officially', making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional, from crafting and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, my friends, my family, and myself. it keeps me from finding my words and understanding those spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows and books. it keeps me from rocking my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every day that i wake up, and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a good and regular day for me. and the seizures..... they rob me of so much too.
it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most people, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take away from me my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.
this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure and can kill. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends, yet there's little to nothing in the form of support, resources, and major awareness out there for those suffering from and living with LUPUS. especially in the medical community - so many go mis or undiagnosed.
because of this, and my own frustration with the lack of services and programs, i have started a charitable non profit specifically for women at risk, the newly diagnosed, and warriors living with LUPUS here in my area = THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT for LUPUS. my goal is for this to become a national organization. we are currently registered as an exempt non profit corporation here in california, and are awaiting our federal exemption status at a 501(c)3. we're working on our website now and it will be up soon (www.thebutterflyprojectfoundation.org), as well as the rest of the details, and i will keep you posted so stay tuned!
this is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and someone you know has lupus. please donate and find out more about how you can help those of us with LUPUS by going to www.lupus.org
be well :)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
confession
my name is angela and i watch "bethenny getting married" (and like her).
there. said it.
am i a big reality tv watcher? nope. i'm not a fan, and i won't get into how i feel about them. do i watch them? yep, there are a few shows i watch from time to time, but none regularly, faithfully.
as for bethenny getting married, and it's star.... i do like. i really do. there's something about her that's me... really. and i like it.
so there. think of me what you will.
be well :)
there. said it.
am i a big reality tv watcher? nope. i'm not a fan, and i won't get into how i feel about them. do i watch them? yep, there are a few shows i watch from time to time, but none regularly, faithfully.
as for bethenny getting married, and it's star.... i do like. i really do. there's something about her that's me... really. and i like it.
so there. think of me what you will.
be well :)
Monday, May 10, 2010
SOMEONE YOU KNOW...
may (along with august) has always been my favorite named month of the year. yes, there are other months i love, but the word (or name) MAY... i love the most (again, with august).
LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.
my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain. i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, every reaching. it keeps me from driving, working 'officially', making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional, from crafting and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, friends, family, and myself. it keeps me from finding my words and understanding those spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows and books. it keeps me from rocking my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every day that i wake up and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a good and regular day for me. and the seizures.....
it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it, away from me. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.
this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure and can kill. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends, yet there's little to nothing in the form of support, resources, and major awareness out there for those suffering from and living with LUPUS. especially in the medical community - so many go mis or undiagnosed.
because of this, and my own frustration with the lack of services and programs, i have started a charitable non profit specifically for women at risk, the newly diagnosed, and warriors living with LUPUS here in my area = THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT for LUPUS. my goal is for this to become a national organization. we are currently registered as an exempt non profit corporation here in california, and are awaiting our federal exemption status at a 501(c)3. we're working on our website now and it will be up soon (www.thebutterflyprojectfoundation.org), as well as the rest of the details, and i will keep you posted so stay tuned!
this is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and someone you know has lupus. please donate and find out more about how you can help those of us with LUPUS by going to www.lupus.org
be well!
and MAY is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and this very day is WORLD LUPUS DAY.
LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.
my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain. i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, every reaching. it keeps me from driving, working 'officially', making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional, from crafting and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, friends, family, and myself. it keeps me from finding my words and understanding those spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows and books. it keeps me from rocking my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every day that i wake up and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a good and regular day for me. and the seizures.....
it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it, away from me. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.
this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure and can kill. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends, yet there's little to nothing in the form of support, resources, and major awareness out there for those suffering from and living with LUPUS. especially in the medical community - so many go mis or undiagnosed.
because of this, and my own frustration with the lack of services and programs, i have started a charitable non profit specifically for women at risk, the newly diagnosed, and warriors living with LUPUS here in my area = THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT for LUPUS. my goal is for this to become a national organization. we are currently registered as an exempt non profit corporation here in california, and are awaiting our federal exemption status at a 501(c)3. we're working on our website now and it will be up soon (www.thebutterflyprojectfoundation.org), as well as the rest of the details, and i will keep you posted so stay tuned!
this is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and someone you know has lupus. please donate and find out more about how you can help those of us with LUPUS by going to www.lupus.org
be well!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
acting now
i've just been over to a blog buddy's site (ko johnson) and got blown completely away. that johnson boy said what?!! i'm still processing it, and probably should sleep on it because eventhough i'm totally compelled to write about it right now, i'm certain i'll miss some of the essence of what his post has made, is making me feel. i see now why his blog carries that name. ouch.
to the point. as i've mentioned before, i've been really chewing on several things, one of which is how to proceed with this blog of mine. i had been holding back here for concern of how others would react, how what i post effects others. no more. so back to blogging, however, i'm still struggling with how much and of what to post. so stand by please....
now, back to what that johnson boy said. humpf. here goes.
k.o.'s post is an excerpt from a book actually, and to me, it talks about fear and action. fear and inaction. fear is a powerful emotion and can lead you down some dark roads. because of fear, i found myself mired down in shrubs of inaction. almost completely covered and immobile.
i am also still struggling with who i am now, as someone who is sick and will not get better. and the fear because of it. i've been fighting that fear in all sorts of interesting and dangerous ways. gaining better sense and getting smarter about it i conquer each month. each year. i've been known to say "i used to be stubborn and stupid. now i'm just plain stubborn" in regards to my behavior and the risks i took because of the fear. fear of no longer being angela. no longer being here.
then i had a couple of really bad years healthwise, of which i'm coming out of, and i allowed that fear to render me immobile. due to my health i was forced not to act initially, then unwilling, then becoming unable.
i want me back. oohhh so very badly. me was sharp as a tack (inside and out), quick and polished, fearless, confident, and more than capable. definately a bit cockey, yet humble. always in motion and always about action (amazing what you can see in hindsight). but i can't have me back, not the way that i was. so i've got to figure out who i am now - in addition to my health. i don't want my health to define me, but i have to figure out how to add it as part of my definition. i want to continue to do the things i do best, the things i love to do, living my life. but how as the person that i am now?
i've got to figure all this out. and how?
I will act now.
Never has there been a map, however carefully executed to detail and scale, which carried its owner over even 1 inch of ground. Never has there been a parchment of law, however fair, which prevented one crime. Never has there been a scroll, even such as the one I hold, which earned so much as a penny, or produced a single word of acclamation. Action alone is the tinder which ignites the map, the parchment, this scroll, my dreams, my plans, my goals, into a living force. Action is the food and drink which will nourish my success.
I will act now.
My procrastination which has held me back was born of fear, and now I recognize this secret mined from the depths of all courageous hearts. Now I know that, to conquer fear, I must always act without hesitation, and the flutters in my heart will vanish. Now I know that action reduces the lion of terror to an ant of equanimity.
I will act now.
Only action determines my value in the marketplace, and to multiply my value I will multiply my actions. I will walk where the failure fears to walk. I will work when the failure seeks rest. I will talk when the failure remains silent. I will call on 10 who can buy my goods, while the failure makes grand plans to call on one. I will say it is done before the failure says it is too late.
I will act now.
For now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the evil become good. I am not evil. Tomorrow is the day when the weak become strong. I am not weak. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure.
I will act now.
When the lion is hungry, he eats. When the eagle has thirst, he drinks. Lest they act, both will perish.
I hunger for success. I thirst for happiness and peace of mind. Lest I act, I will perish in a life of failure, misery and sleepless nights. I will command, and I will obey my own command.
I will act now.
Success will not wait. If I delay, she will become betrothed to another and lost to me forever.
This is the time. This is the place. I am the man.
I will act now.
to the point. as i've mentioned before, i've been really chewing on several things, one of which is how to proceed with this blog of mine. i had been holding back here for concern of how others would react, how what i post effects others. no more. so back to blogging, however, i'm still struggling with how much and of what to post. so stand by please....
now, back to what that johnson boy said. humpf. here goes.
k.o.'s post is an excerpt from a book actually, and to me, it talks about fear and action. fear and inaction. fear is a powerful emotion and can lead you down some dark roads. because of fear, i found myself mired down in shrubs of inaction. almost completely covered and immobile.
i am also still struggling with who i am now, as someone who is sick and will not get better. and the fear because of it. i've been fighting that fear in all sorts of interesting and dangerous ways. gaining better sense and getting smarter about it i conquer each month. each year. i've been known to say "i used to be stubborn and stupid. now i'm just plain stubborn" in regards to my behavior and the risks i took because of the fear. fear of no longer being angela. no longer being here.
then i had a couple of really bad years healthwise, of which i'm coming out of, and i allowed that fear to render me immobile. due to my health i was forced not to act initially, then unwilling, then becoming unable.
i want me back. oohhh so very badly. me was sharp as a tack (inside and out), quick and polished, fearless, confident, and more than capable. definately a bit cockey, yet humble. always in motion and always about action (amazing what you can see in hindsight). but i can't have me back, not the way that i was. so i've got to figure out who i am now - in addition to my health. i don't want my health to define me, but i have to figure out how to add it as part of my definition. i want to continue to do the things i do best, the things i love to do, living my life. but how as the person that i am now?
i've got to figure all this out. and how?
i will act..... thanks k.o.
be well :)I will act now.
Never has there been a map, however carefully executed to detail and scale, which carried its owner over even 1 inch of ground. Never has there been a parchment of law, however fair, which prevented one crime. Never has there been a scroll, even such as the one I hold, which earned so much as a penny, or produced a single word of acclamation. Action alone is the tinder which ignites the map, the parchment, this scroll, my dreams, my plans, my goals, into a living force. Action is the food and drink which will nourish my success.
I will act now.
My procrastination which has held me back was born of fear, and now I recognize this secret mined from the depths of all courageous hearts. Now I know that, to conquer fear, I must always act without hesitation, and the flutters in my heart will vanish. Now I know that action reduces the lion of terror to an ant of equanimity.
I will act now.
Only action determines my value in the marketplace, and to multiply my value I will multiply my actions. I will walk where the failure fears to walk. I will work when the failure seeks rest. I will talk when the failure remains silent. I will call on 10 who can buy my goods, while the failure makes grand plans to call on one. I will say it is done before the failure says it is too late.
I will act now.
For now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the evil become good. I am not evil. Tomorrow is the day when the weak become strong. I am not weak. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure.
I will act now.
When the lion is hungry, he eats. When the eagle has thirst, he drinks. Lest they act, both will perish.
I hunger for success. I thirst for happiness and peace of mind. Lest I act, I will perish in a life of failure, misery and sleepless nights. I will command, and I will obey my own command.
I will act now.
Success will not wait. If I delay, she will become betrothed to another and lost to me forever.
This is the time. This is the place. I am the man.
I will act now.
(Excerpt from The Greatest Salesman In The World by Og Mandino)
Friday, May 29, 2009
my roots are for real
so yes, it's been a long while since i've posted. and it's been intentional.
i had to put some space between me and this blog of mine to remember, and get clear again, why i began it in the first place. a place. my place.
this was to be a place for me, my place, to explore and extract and examine and uncover me. me and my life, as i deal with, battle with, all my health issues. all while documenting the goings and comings, people, places, and things of my life. unabashedly and unashamed and unappologetically.
but i've gotten away from that. you still get 'me', but i'm not being totally real in the way that i had intended. i've pulled back. slowly. i began talking more about this and that, less about me. what i was truly feeling, dealing with, thought. i realized a few months ago that i began to be more concerned with what you would have to say, would think, would feel in regards to what i shared. scared that my rants, detachment, fears.... my honesty.... would worry you. scare you.
in my short time blogging i've been able to reach out, share my voice, and actually touch people. i'm so amazingly humbled by that. i have developed some wonderful and meaningful relationships that have truly blessed me and my life in special ways, and i'm so very thankful.
i can't continue this way because it's not me. so i'm getting back to me. ME. and all that i am and am not and hope to be. my trials, and triumphs, drama, fun, and funk. as well as taking some risks. all as i truly, honestly see fit. so just as my banner says:
"..... this blog is about me. my truth. my honesty & sometimes my denial. my experiences. my emotions,my highs and lows. as raw and open as i can be. just me. my health battles (whaddiya mean terminal??!!). my journey to discover my authentic self before time runs out. my evolution. the random thoughts that cross my mind, and the goings and comings of my sometimes hectic and not always interesting life. so grab a cuppa or a glass of wine, get comfy, and visit for a while!"
thank you and be well ;p
i had to put some space between me and this blog of mine to remember, and get clear again, why i began it in the first place. a place. my place.
this was to be a place for me, my place, to explore and extract and examine and uncover me. me and my life, as i deal with, battle with, all my health issues. all while documenting the goings and comings, people, places, and things of my life. unabashedly and unashamed and unappologetically.
but i've gotten away from that. you still get 'me', but i'm not being totally real in the way that i had intended. i've pulled back. slowly. i began talking more about this and that, less about me. what i was truly feeling, dealing with, thought. i realized a few months ago that i began to be more concerned with what you would have to say, would think, would feel in regards to what i shared. scared that my rants, detachment, fears.... my honesty.... would worry you. scare you.
in my short time blogging i've been able to reach out, share my voice, and actually touch people. i'm so amazingly humbled by that. i have developed some wonderful and meaningful relationships that have truly blessed me and my life in special ways, and i'm so very thankful.
i can't continue this way because it's not me. so i'm getting back to me. ME. and all that i am and am not and hope to be. my trials, and triumphs, drama, fun, and funk. as well as taking some risks. all as i truly, honestly see fit. so just as my banner says:
"..... this blog is about me. my truth. my honesty & sometimes my denial. my experiences. my emotions,my highs and lows. as raw and open as i can be. just me. my health battles (whaddiya mean terminal??!!). my journey to discover my authentic self before time runs out. my evolution. the random thoughts that cross my mind, and the goings and comings of my sometimes hectic and not always interesting life. so grab a cuppa or a glass of wine, get comfy, and visit for a while!"
thank you and be well ;p
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
back on the highway
a little while ago i talked about feeling as though i had taken a temporary detour on my journey in this life, to discovering my authentic self among other things, but that i was back on the road again. now i'm sure there will be many more detours to come, and that's just fine. they're needed. requred really, for the kind of growth, and peace of spirit and mind that i'm looking to achieve. and that detour has put me in a very contemplative mood, where i'm thinking deeply about where i'm at right now. where i've come. and where and how i intend to be going forward. i feel that i am in the process of laying the groundwork for the rest of my life. and i'm quite excited about that.
i feel that this year is truly the year for change. i feel it. know it. and i plan on making some changes of my own regarding quite a bit. now, i'm not into 'resolutions', the kind everyone makes at the beginning of the year. nope. but i do believe in intent. and setting reasonable, attainable goals for myself. intentions. and i have several for myself. for my life.
so going forward, i will occasionally post various intentions and goals for myself, and will putting various lists together of things that are important to me. some may seem very simple and shallow. some might be deep and challenging. and i begin with these...
I INTEND TO:
~ get back to meditating daily
~ exercise regularly (3-4xwk)
~ get back to cooking what I like to eat, and experimenting more
~ get back to reading
~ work on my creativity by crafting more and getting back to my photography
~ be quiet
i plan on taking baby steps towards these goals. doing what i can, when i can do it, and not beating myself up over what seems to be a lack of measurable progress. that's ridiculous. and i hope that non of you out there are doing that.... huh?
be well :)
i feel that this year is truly the year for change. i feel it. know it. and i plan on making some changes of my own regarding quite a bit. now, i'm not into 'resolutions', the kind everyone makes at the beginning of the year. nope. but i do believe in intent. and setting reasonable, attainable goals for myself. intentions. and i have several for myself. for my life.
so going forward, i will occasionally post various intentions and goals for myself, and will putting various lists together of things that are important to me. some may seem very simple and shallow. some might be deep and challenging. and i begin with these...
I INTEND TO:
~ get back to meditating daily
~ exercise regularly (3-4xwk)
~ get back to cooking what I like to eat, and experimenting more
~ get back to reading
~ work on my creativity by crafting more and getting back to my photography
~ be quiet
i plan on taking baby steps towards these goals. doing what i can, when i can do it, and not beating myself up over what seems to be a lack of measurable progress. that's ridiculous. and i hope that non of you out there are doing that.... huh?
be well :)
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