Monday, December 15, 2008

temporary detour

ok, i've been a bad, bad girl. but so what!

i decided to disappear for a little bit just because i wanted to. i wanted to see what it felt like to just not do anything. i kept in minimum contact (had to because there are a few of you out there that would kill me if i just dropped off the face of the earth!), but basically.... i let the phone ring. no card making or scrapbooking. most emails and texts went unanswered. no blogging. rearranged a few client sessions. no twittering.

i read, sleeped, cooked, watched some movie classics with bette davis, and enjoy my ladybug and my husband. also, i prayed. i'm still praying. i am praying not just for all the people and things i normally pray for. but i am now praying for me. i realized that i never really prayed for myself. i always thought that was wrong. selfish. even in my sickness, i still prayed for others.

i've had a tough few months since my surgery in september. yes tough physically, but tough emotionally. tougher than i thought or realized, until i was home alone taking a shower about two weeks ago.

while feeling the warmth of the water all over my body, watching the water and soap swirl in the tub and then down the drain... i realized that i was drowning. slowly drowning. all my essence slipping away. in my fight to keep from being angry and bitter and always whinning and complaining about sick and what's been stolen from me - to keep from being that person - i became choked by it all.

then i began to actually feel like i was choking, right there in the shower. i thought my one half good lung was finally going as i coughed for air. a jolt of fear gripped me, i was home alone. then a wave of sadness and pain washed over me and i dropped down to my knees in the tub and i cried. i cried hard. i curled up at the back of the tub and let the water wash over me, mixing with my tears, as i cried.

i cried for me. for my life. for what i've lost. i cried for realizing that i was becoming .... i don't know what to say it really (because of my word finding issues), so bare with me... becoming someone who has turned away from life. from living life. oh my goodness.

once i realized this, i became embarrased. yep. right there on the bottom of the tub. cheeks hot with embarrassment, you'd have thought someone saw me naked - naaah, i'm an exhibitionist, lol. not that i was wailing away at the bottom of the tub, but that i, me, angela, was turning into a shrinking violet. day after day in my house, barely talking to anyone except clients. not even participating in ladybugs school/class functions. turning away from life. that's not me world.

i told myself "stop it!! just stop it angela!!" and i did. it is now the end of my temporary detour from the road to becoming my authentic self.

so, these last two weeks i've spent with me. praying. i am now praying. praying for me and that i can take all my emotions - my anger, my fear, my pain, my sadness, my feelings of being lost - as energy and power to transform. i've always done it before. this shouldn't be any different.

aahh. i feel so very much better now.

2 comments:

Princess Tinybutt said...

i know several of you tried to leave comments, and i'm sorry, i guess it's a blogger thing?? but i thank you for your direct emails.

be well :)

CapCity said...

HUGZ, Happy B'earthday & Happy Holidayz 2 u, Sweet Princess. It's ok to detour sometimes. It keeps u healthy!