Monday, October 26, 2009

playing catch up....again

well here i am playing catch up again. yeah, yeah, i know ~ it's been a looong while now. sorry. have had alot on my plate, and not. there were day's that i was desperate to blog. especially when there was some little milestone of ladybugs to share, or was needing to vent about something hubby or mommy dearest had done.

but i always come back to the issue i have with how much of me i'm comfortable with sharing. for someone who's happy to share, who shares so much with everyone else, i'm finding it hard to understand why it feels so awkward for me to share here. hmmm....

anyway, it has been an interesting few weeks for sure! the school year is in full swing for my ladybug, and third grade is proving to be a wonderful adventure for her (as well as hubby and i!). she's had her first book report due and it was so much fun! along with the report, she had to do a diorama of her favorite scene in the book. that meant she got to go crazy with all my craft stuff. she was in heaven, and the project was a success.

there's also been a fair share of mama drama as well. i don't think i've ever talked about my mommy (yes, i call her mommy still) and our relationship here in the blog, other than dropping hints like when i call her 'mommy dearest'. yes, it's a very difficult, stressful, and above all else, toxic relationship - one that i really don't like to talk about. not because it's painful, but just that, well.... now after the long pause for a few rounds of computer solitaire in (my name is angela, and i am a computer solitaire addict) i just took to re-evaluate what i was about to say, i realize that yes, it really is painful. there's alot there, and even more so because of what's happened recently, i'll get more into the situation very soon. again, it's just too difficult, and too long for me to share in this post. after all, i'm playing catch up!

so, my life coaching practice is usually pretty steady, but it's going ganbusters right now, which is great! i love what i do oh so very much. it blesses me in such a way that, honestly, i feel, helps keep me going. my clients honor me with their trust and confidence, and i can't tell you how much it humbles me. how i appreciate and hold sacred the relationships i've developed. but i still have tons of work to do! i've got to get my website up and running and i've given myself a deadline of the end of the year. no, i don't need that much time to get a website up, but, well....

well, i've got to start chemotherapy again. yep. here we go again. i was suppose to start last thursday, but got a last minute reprieve. two of my doc's were out of town and weren't going to be back in time. so they pushed it to tomorrow, well today, monday. they both want to be in town due to the fact that i often have a mild reaction to one of the chemo drugs i get.
did i pitch a fit as usual when i got the news that i had to start up again? nope. that's right. i was calm, cool and collected. no pouting, no negotiating, well yes, there was some negotiating (c'mon on, it's me!!). i did pretty good when they told me. and i just can't explain my reaction really. i don't know. it's like i'm in this fog. like "whatever".

bummed? yep. i'm about a week shy of 17 months since my last round of chemo. i was told i'd never make it past 20 months. then that i'd never be able to go more than 3 months without need regular chemo. so going back feels like stepping back. you know that saying.... 3 steps forward, 2 steps back... not sure if i should even be posting about it now because i'm feeling really crappy about having to do this. the timing sucks too. i'm in the middle of creating a few new workshops, there's some new business ideas, contracts, and new business i want to go after. i don't want to be sick over the holidays. and ladybugs birthday is at the end of november. ok, now i'm angry. and ready to fight.

well, it's 2:28 am now so i'd better get in the bed. enjoy these pics.

be well :p

Friday, October 2, 2009

the fight must go on

october is breast cancer awareness month and i'm glad, because we need to fight it. this is a disease that affects so many, not just women. and this is a disease that can be conquered. but only if we fight.

we must also be mindful that there are several other diseases that are in need of awareness too. that need to be fought just as fiercely as breast cancer.

let's also make the time to honor those still courageously fighting. lets uplift them and cheer them on, leting them know that we are here! i'm blessed to know some incredible people who are currently engaged in battle . they encourage me, inspire me, amaze me. and i'm thankful for them (holly, traci, laurie, miranda, catherine, and yvette).

yes, there's more, much more i'd like to say but i'm not feeling well today, and i'm not as eloquent as i would like to be. so i will leave you with a plea to be aware. be aware of your body, your health, your life. take control of them. make the time and do it now. and please take a moment to see what you can do to advace the fight against breast cancer, along with the many other cruel and vicious disease out there that snatch away the lives of those we love dearly. take a moment this month to remember them. honor them.

be well :)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

acting now

i've just been over to a blog buddy's site (ko johnson) and got blown completely away. that johnson boy said what?!! i'm still processing it, and probably should sleep on it because eventhough i'm totally compelled to write about it right now, i'm certain i'll miss some of the essence of what his post has made, is making me feel. i see now why his blog carries that name. ouch.

to the point. as i've mentioned before, i've been really chewing on several things, one of which is how to proceed with this blog of mine. i had been holding back here for concern of how others would react, how what i post effects others. no more. so back to blogging, however, i'm still struggling with how much and of what to post. so stand by please....

now, back to what that johnson boy said. humpf. here goes.

k.o.'s post is an excerpt from a book actually, and to me, it talks about fear and action. fear and inaction. fear is a powerful emotion and can lead you down some dark roads. because of fear, i found myself mired down in shrubs of inaction. almost completely covered and immobile.

i am also still struggling with who i am now, as someone who is sick and will not get better. and the fear because of it. i've been fighting that fear in all sorts of interesting and dangerous ways. gaining better sense and getting smarter about it i conquer each month. each year. i've been known to say "i used to be stubborn and stupid. now i'm just plain stubborn" in regards to my behavior and the risks i took because of the fear. fear of no longer being angela. no longer being here.

then i had a couple of really bad years healthwise, of which i'm coming out of, and i allowed that fear to render me immobile. due to my health i was forced not to act initially, then unwilling, then becoming unable.

i want me back. oohhh so very badly. me was sharp as a tack (inside and out), quick and polished, fearless, confident, and more than capable. definately a bit cockey, yet humble. always in motion and always about action (amazing what you can see in hindsight). but i can't have me back, not the way that i was. so i've got to figure out who i am now - in addition to my health. i don't want my health to define me, but i have to figure out how to add it as part of my definition. i want to continue to do the things i do best, the things i love to do, living my life. but how as the person that i am now?

i've got to figure all this out. and how?

i will act..... thanks k.o.
be well :)

I will act now.
Never has there been a map, however carefully executed to detail and scale, which carried its owner over even 1 inch of ground. Never has there been a parchment of law, however fair, which prevented one crime. Never has there been a scroll, even such as the one I hold, which earned so much as a penny, or produced a single word of acclamation. Action alone is the tinder which ignites the map, the parchment, this scroll, my dreams, my plans, my goals, into a living force. Action is the food and drink which will nourish my success.

I will act now.
My procrastination which has held me back was born of fear, and now I recognize this secret mined from the depths of all courageous hearts. Now I know that, to conquer fear, I must always act without hesitation, and the flutters in my heart will vanish. Now I know that action reduces the lion of terror to an ant of equanimity.

I will act now.
Only action determines my value in the marketplace, and to multiply my value I will multiply my actions. I will walk where the failure fears to walk. I will work when the failure seeks rest. I will talk when the failure remains silent. I will call on 10 who can buy my goods, while the failure makes grand plans to call on one. I will say it is done before the failure says it is too late.

I will act now.
For now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the evil become good. I am not evil. Tomorrow is the day when the weak become strong. I am not weak. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure.

I will act now.
When the lion is hungry, he eats. When the eagle has thirst, he drinks. Lest they act, both will perish.

I hunger for success. I thirst for happiness and peace of mind. Lest I act, I will perish in a life of failure, misery and sleepless nights. I will command, and I will obey my own command.

I will act now.
Success will not wait. If I delay, she will become betrothed to another and lost to me forever.

This is the time. This is the place. I am the man.

I will act now.
(Excerpt from The Greatest Salesman In The World by Og Mandino)

Friday, July 10, 2009


so this time last week we were packing up and heading to reno, nv for the junior olympic trials. ladybug had a great track season, made it to the sub bantam championships, and did surprisingly well at the junior olympic trials - she actually made it to the JUNIOR OLYMPICS in des moine, iowa!!! we are still in shock!! she placed in the 100 meter and 200 meter!! this post is nothing but pics of the reno meet.... enjoy!

she ran saturday, then she qualified for the finals which were sunday. we didn't think she'd qualify because the competition was so seasoned, so we had planned to hand out and play at the resort. poor thing, we had to get her back to the hotel and in the bed, but she and her buddy was not having that! we were staying at the this fabulous resort that had EVERYTHING - a beach, arcades, shopping, go-carts, golf, bungie/sky diving, and sooo much more! so we let them get some swimming in along with some arcade time too!

overall, we had a blast! it was a a neat get way and we are so proud! she placed 2nd and 5 overall, getting a gold and and bronze medales. i had juan take a pic with those medals because he deserves them just as much as ladybug does. he's a great track dad! boy are we proud of our girl-go ladybug, GO!!

be well :)

Monday, July 6, 2009

i know, i know!!!

it's been a while, sorry. i've been busy, well, sort of. nothing major really, just haven't made the blog a priority this last month or so. i'm working on that because my blog is important to me.

so with that said, let me catch you up on the happenings....

i'll start with my health. all is quiet on that front. i've been stable for a month or so, yet still have my daily challenges. getting around is hard and i'm constantly fighting with hubby about using the walker and the wheelchair, and i will continue to do so. i don't like them, and hate using them. although i concede that i do need them... from time to time. so there!

the bottom line is that i'm still sick and still have very yucky, and very hard days. yes, i am driving a very little bit, which makes me VERY HAPPY!! however, i've had to stop because after going a while with out having any siezures, i've had a few over the holiday weekend because i was probably doing too much, and definately off my routine. that's so very critical for me, to be in a routine, because i'm dealing with, struggling with, trying hard to live with, short term memory loss. so routine is critical. i have good days, not so good days, and fantastic days (regardig my memory). so, no driving for me for a little while. sigh......

things on the work front are going well and i've been quite busy, which i don't mind at all. you see, i'm a certified life coach. i help women to identify, deal with, and move through particular issues in their lives specifically involving work/life balance, finances, and employment/career. day in and day out i help them gain clarity and movement with setting and achieving their goals in these particularly important areas of life - AND I LOVE WHAT I DO!!! it's something i can do from home (or just abotu anywhere for that matter), most of the time, or even in the hospital! as long as i have my laptop, my cell phone, and my headset, i'm good to go, lol! mainly, i get to touch womens lives in a most profound and significant way and that's what and why i love what i do so much. are you passionate about what you do? you should be.

the family is doing well. we got back from reno, nv yesterday and are exhausted (part of why i've been having seizures lately). ladybug had her final track meet and did just fantastically - we are still in amazement! i'll post about that tomorrow (with pics!) because i want to get to fathers day. we had a nice, quiet one, full of love and appreciation. see the pics... i know it's several weeks late, but i hope all the dads out there had a great day too!

be well :)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


this is an interesting day. with mixed emotions.

as of tomorrow, it will be one year since my last round of chemo. yep. a whole year. 12 months. 52 weeks. three hundred and sixty five days. i was told that i would never be able to go more than 2-3 months without the poison until these diseases prematurely take me outta here.

once i realized that chemotherapy, in some form of regularity, be it a round here and there, or during health crisis, weekly would be a part of my life, i set out determine for it not to be. i began setting little chemo goals in two month increments. and yes, i'd really push it. go as long as i could. yes, there were times when i should have hooked up to my port sooner. yes, i'm sure i probably made myself sicker just because i was trying to 'wait it out'. oh well. i belive the body can heal itself if you give it a chance.

anyway, i can't tell you how excited i am. it didn't occur to me actually til last week at one of my many, many regular doctors appointments - the rheumatologist, the cardiologist, the oncologist, the pulmonologist, the neurologist. hmmm ..... feel like i'm forgetting someone.... oh yeah, the good 'ole internist. at some point, at one of those visits, it dawned on me. the feeling that overcame me is one i don't have words for. i can't describe, but will try.

it feels like i've won something. yeah. that's it. just that .... i've won something. i always thought i'd want to celebrate. like in a big way. but i don't. and i've been chewing on the why of it. then sunday it occured to me that it's because i'm really not outta the woods. i could have some kind of episode, or labs could get really funky, and then off i go to get hooked up again. trepidation is keeping me from wanting to celebrate. and i want to celebrate. i should celebrate. but....

fast forward to today. i had an assessment today for a fancy new fangled form of physical rehab therapy that i was really hoping would be the answer for me. it's called bioness and involves electrical stimulation to various parts of the body to help your gait and get your mobility back. to recap again, the disease moved to my brain now and i have seizures, which effect me like strokes, which has somehow interrupted the communication between my brain and certain parts of my body. so the right side of my body is very difficult to move. i also have severe drop foot, among many, many other issues.

so what happened? sadly, i was turned down. i've got too much stuff happening. on the surface, it really seemed like i was an ideal candidate so my neuro, hubby and i were all geeked about it. but nope. not gonna happen. apparently the electric stimulation to my central nervous system is just too much for my poor little body to handle. i began reacting almost right away - i began tremoring, and eventhough the gadget was hooked up to my right leg, i was feeling it in other parts of my body because the signal goes from where the gadgets attached, to the brain, then back again. but i was insistant on pushing through and getting up to walk. i was gonna walk! ( i have several pairs of 3 to 4 inch heels that are depending on me!!)

i deteriorated quickly and began having issues with my heart, and then had what was probably one of my siezures, but different though. it was all very unusual, and i'm still feeling the effects. it was not to be and it was all i could do to not cry while waiting for the elevator with juan.

so maybe i will celebrate. yes. i will. just don't know how. suggestions? i want to, need to get this taste out of my mouth. taste of bittersweetness.


be well, because i am ;p

Friday, May 29, 2009

my roots are for real

so yes, it's been a long while since i've posted. and it's been intentional.

i had to put some space between me and this blog of mine to remember, and get clear again, why i began it in the first place. a place. my place.

this was to be a place for me, my place, to explore and extract and examine and uncover me. me and my life, as i deal with, battle with, all my health issues. all while documenting the goings and comings, people, places, and things of my life. unabashedly and unashamed and unappologetically.

but i've gotten away from that. you still get 'me', but i'm not being totally real in the way that i had intended. i've pulled back. slowly. i began talking more about this and that, less about me. what i was truly feeling, dealing with, thought. i realized a few months ago that i began to be more concerned with what you would have to say, would think, would feel in regards to what i shared. scared that my rants, detachment, fears.... my honesty.... would worry you. scare you.

in my short time blogging i've been able to reach out, share my voice, and actually touch people. i'm so amazingly humbled by that. i have developed some wonderful and meaningful relationships that have truly blessed me and my life in special ways, and i'm so very thankful.

i can't continue this way because it's not me. so i'm getting back to me. ME. and all that i am and am not and hope to be. my trials, and triumphs, drama, fun, and funk. as well as taking some risks. all as i truly, honestly see fit. so just as my banner says:

"..... this blog is about me. my truth. my honesty & sometimes my denial. my experiences. my emotions,my highs and lows. as raw and open as i can be. just me. my health battles (whaddiya mean terminal??!!). my journey to discover my authentic self before time runs out. my evolution. the random thoughts that cross my mind, and the goings and comings of my sometimes hectic and not always interesting life. so grab a cuppa or a glass of wine, get comfy, and visit for a while!"

thank you and be well ;p

Monday, April 27, 2009

at the lords table

yes, i know its been a looooong time since i've posted. and i'm working on, out some things regarding the relationshop i have with my blog, so bare with me.

however, in the meantime, i'm here to post about my ladybug. yes, i have a relationship with God. i'm not big on specific, organized religion. i'm a 'recovering catholic' and attend mass about once a month. i do also attend non catholic church as well. i'm more spiritual than religious - take that how you will. for me, it's all about getting your spirit, your soul fed. it's also my responsibility to feed my child's soul, spirit and i do that in many different ways on a daily basis. one of which is teaching her the principles and catechisms of catholicism. yes, i'm 'recovering', however, i do love the solemnity, reverence for God, discipline, and accountability that it teaches.

so with that said, my child recieved her first holy communion yesterday, and it was a beautiful, joy filled, blessed day of love and fellowship.

we decided to have a small get together after the mass ceremony and i decided to keep it small. i only invited immediate family and ladybugs favorite people (except some of her classmates as they were having celebrations of their own). aunie 'D-money', auntie shannon, ms. glo, mr. P, ms. sunshine, all there to support her - the people missing were her auntie 'cc', uncle/goddaddy fred, uncle charles, and ms. babz. how blessed and fortunate am i that my own child loves the same people i do! the very ones that i consider my sisters and brothers - truly!

everyone was worried that i would over do it...whatever.... and spent most of their energy chasing after me. well, i did take it easy-i went to wholefoods, trader, and costco and got a few prepared meals. but you know me, i can never pass up an opportunity to cook. so, i just made a pasta salad of multi colored rotini noodles, baked chicken breast, mulit colored bell pepers, red onion, sliced grape tomatoes, parsley all dressed with my famous/secret creamy garlic-mustard viniagrette. YUM!! i also filled the house with flowers, another opportunity taken advantage of.

anwyway, it was a wonderful day and i am so thankful to know how much my child is loved.

be well :)

ps... i'll add more pics later. ciao!

Monday, March 16, 2009

bionic woman

well, back in the saddle again. i'm in the hospital. much six months ago to the week from my last stay. i'm known to friends and family for not being the best patient. and i can be difficult. but i mean that in a very good way. yes, i am stubborn. strong willed. determined as all get out. yeah, i do what i want to do - when, and mostly how i want to do it. but that's it. not much trouble at all really.

the nurses say i'm a joy and an inspiration. my PT's and OT's are amzazed at my ability to adapt and flow with the situation. so there, i'm not the superbad hospital *b*i*t*c*h* you all think i am. (well, maybe just a little bit). so i said all that to say that i'm back in the same place i was six months ago. only not really. when i was here last, i was angry. scared. and oh so ready to go home. i was in no mood to be thinking about my life other than how my health is interfering with it.

so now? i welcome this inconvenience. this time out. this opportunity to continue my examination of this, my journey.

then off to chemo. again.

stay tuned because i've got some pics to post of ladybug and i goofing off around the hospital floor and in my room, and then dinner time.

be well :)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

here we go again...part 2?

well, here i am at 11:42pm curled up on my big blue sofa. it's the night before my surgery and i'm exhausted. emotionally. totally drained.

mainly because i am just so very tired of all this health rigamarole. shit really. it's so old now and i'm so over it. i am angry. frustrated. hurt. scared. there. i said it. yeah. that's it.

here i am again. almost exactly 6 months to the day. not as twisted really. just tired of it all. tired as in giving up? hell no. my life is too damn good. no, my life? great! yeah, i could use some work here and there. but i am just so damn tired of this all. this health rigamamarole. it's so very old now and i am so very over it.

and on top of this all, my mommy dearest is at her best. i get that she just doesn't love me like that. how a mommy should love her baby. she can't. and that's fine. tears. i want a mommy right now. tears. need comfort. tears. could really use one right now. tears. oh well.

which brings me to my baby. oh my love, so sweet yes she is. more tears. too many. so here's a portion of the post about ladybug i did the night before the first surgery back in september. every last bit of this is the absolute truth and pretty is much how tongiht went and for how i feel at this very moment.

" now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking. about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in the palm of little her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip is so smooth, an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said softly "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's something about the way she says "tomorrow". she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hug from my own mommy, and with the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this....."

thank you everyone!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

biking along and other stuff

in my now ocassionaly usual fashion, i had forgotten to post a few pics and the short stories that go along with them. so the first batch are of ladybug learning how to ride her new bike pop got her as a late christmas present. she got a bike at the wee age of 3 and has been refusing to learn how to ride ever since.
well, my pop was having none of that any longer. two saturdays ago, he came up after her track practice and so he could put a stop to the madness. no grandchild of his was not gonna know how to ride a bike. and that was that. juan and i followed them down the street to the local elementary school and dropped of the bike. we stayed for just a few minutes before pops shooed us off, so we headed home, less than 10 minutes away. well, just as we were pulling into the garage pops called. "come on back, she's ready to show off for you!". juan and i couldn't believe it.

sure enough, she was cycling along with all the confidence of lance armstrong when we pulled up. she had it! now all she wants to do is ride! all she talks about is riding!

now, about ladybugs hair. when i wash her hair i usually put the curls curly q products in her hair. i use the curly q custard, milkshake, and princess glaze on my childs crazy curly, crazy thick, and crazy beautiful hair. i let her rock her curls, twists often, but in ponytails mainly because that girls hair is so thick. ocassionaly i will flat iron it on special ocassionaly so she can wear her bangs. so, after i washed her hair this past saturday, i decided to blowdry it out instead just to 'see'. well HELLO!!!! i created a monster. she knew she was hot.

ok, so in my valentines day post i mentioned a secret admirer, sort of. i got a couple of bouquets of flowers that were just gorgeous. at first i just knew it was my daddy-that's so like him-nope. and we know it wasn't juan *smirk* i called a few more friends/business colleagues-nope. i couldn't figure out who were sending them to me. each day for 3 days, ending on vday. so, i
icalled the flower company to see if they'd clue me in-nope. but i didn't give up! finally a customer service rep slipped and i got to a manager who said they'd call the sender and see if they'd want to be revealed-nope. not completely. just that HE was someone from my past who still very much admirers me, that he ran into a mutual friend whom i'm very close with and that friend mentioned where i was and he found me from that. and..... i still don't know who he is. *sigh...*

be well :)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

day for daddies

well, ladybug and juan are off at the school's annual father daughter dance tonight and i think he was more excited about it than she was. and i am so glad of that. i do what i can so they may develop a special relationship, bond. she loves him, and he adores her. when i was pregnant he made it very clear that 'he' was having a daughter. however, it's hard for him to express his adoration for her in ways that are meaningful and relevant to her. and that's something i'm working very hard on helping him with. he's had no model but his pure love driven determination to figure out how to be a wonderful father truly touches my heart.

it's important to me you see, because i'm a daddy's girl. a hardcore daddy's girl.. i LOVE my "pop's". and i got the rare treat of spending the day working with him. just me and him. and i haven't been able to do that in a VERY LONG TIME. he called last night to say he had no coverage today while he saw clients and worked on taxes. this is our company's busy season (tax time) and since i've been 'really' sick (ie-can't drive), i haven't been in the office to see and know what's going on. it was both quite difficult and fantastically exhilarating for me to be there. i miss it so much. i also see how much of a mess it is, both in organization and cleanliness. and that was so hard for me to see today because that is not pop. you can walk in to his house at any given moment with a white glove and run your fingers over anything, anywhere. ** sigh** i feel the pressure, self inflicted, to get better because he needs me. the business needs me. and i need it.

yes, i can and do work from home. i "see" about 5-7 clients a week (i had more before i got real sick), run about 1-2 seminars a month, and work on company stuff here and there. i do pretty well. actually, i run the company; it's his and ours together. he started it about 27 years ago and handed primary operations over to me about 8 years ago - i am the president/ceo and he's the v.p./cfo. we have 3 seperate yet overlapping practices-tax, non-profit, and small business consulting- and we stay busy. i handle my own life coaching practice, in addition to my regular consulting duties in the areas of HR/Employment, group home administration certification training programs, financial/real estate/mortgage, along with running all back office operations and issues for the company (payables, recievables, contracts, internal payroll, hr, etc..). sounds quite diverse does it? yes and not really. it all overlaps actually. trust me.

so with all that said, i love what i do and the fact that i get to do it with my pops. my daddy. and i hope and pray that my ladybug will do and feel the same about hers.

be well :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

here we go again...

well, it is now confirmed. i have to have surgery....again. MARCH 5th. you know me, i've been trying to negotiate with the docs, but they were not having any of me and my bullshit this time. well, at least i got my way a little bit... no chemo...for now. i take my victories when, where, and how i can get them.

so what's going on now you ask? i'd like to know myself. my body just isn't able to cooperate with me. poor thing. and i love my body. always have. i like looking at it. oh, sorry... i digress.

like i was saying... i'd like to know what's going on too. yeah, the docs give me their mumbo jumbo about this cell and that platelet, this scan/mri, and that drug response. but frankly, i'm tired of all that crap. what is really going on here?

well, i'm sick. and ... i'm in denial, still. you see, i like to 'forget' that i've got some crazy, truly shitty (is that how you spell shitty? i've always wanted to cuss like a sailor) shit ravaging my body. totally fucking with my life. my life. **sigh** don't these diseases know that i'm busy trying to live my damn life? ok, didn't realize that i am just a bit angry. i had made plans for march!

i've got holes in my bones. they're disintegrating quicker than expected and now i'm leaking bone marrow. apparently that's not a good thing. at least it explains why my labs have been off a bit. it's a little tricky this one because the grafting is happening on my 'good' side, the side of my lower body that's not paralyzed. so the docs aren't sure exactly how they want to rehab me. which i don't understand one bit. don't they rehab one legged people all the time? its just that my bad leg is still attached. so what's the problem? well, at least i talked the surgeon into fixing my other hip while he's in there. looks like i'll be an inch or so taller..WHOOOO-HOOOO!!

but seriously. i'm not happy about this. not at all. and i'm scared. again. and i don't want to be. i'm sad. again. and that's not me. i'm angry. again. and that's not me either. i don't want to be 'this person'. who's sick. but i am. for now.

and this too will pass. because i said so.

be well :)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

what do you do when he HATES valentines day?

you love him anyway.

yes, i must come out of the closet with this one. my dearest hubby HATES valentines day. he feels it has now become way too commercialized. and i get where he's coming from and i agree. really. the love you have for someone should be celebrated everyday. in many little and big ways. and he and i do. now, i'm not the mushy cheezy kind that gets all into it either. it's just that.... well...

he's made it extremely clear that he's not either. and it's been difficult for me these 17+ years with him. to be with someone i love who is violently opposed to this day of love. now don't get me wrong... he has totally come through on this front in ways that has blown my mind and also has left an "awwwe...he is amazing!" on the lips of friends and family. but you see, he's very public with his show's of love. other than love making, it's very minimal, and i usually have to initiate most forms of affection. it just doesn't occur to him...unless it occurs to him.

i am an affectionate person. not needy. just affectionate. not necessarily into "pda" (public demonstrations of affection), but reasonable and relevant shows of affection. hand holding. a rub here, a gentle touch there. and my favorite---great, mindblowing, intriguing, intimate, casual, soul bearing, matter-of-fact, "hey babe, how's your day?...well..." conversation. yes. conversation. its like foreplay for me. especially anything deep and intense and revealing..any topic..just deep and intense and revealing. but that's not him. mr. passive agressive.

so.. i got a couple of beautiful bouquets of flowers delivered to me beginning yesterday. my favorites. the card that came was anonymous, but the words were wonderful. something about being strong, courageous, inspiring, beautiful... all the stuff you'd want to be on a card that was with delivered flowers. i immediately suspected my daddy. that's totally like him!! but no, him it was not. i was very suspicious of hubby because i had figured that he had given in. after all, they were a combination of my top 2 most favorite flowers.

nope. not him.

my gut agreed with him. those were'nt his kind of words. and he would have NEVER had flowers delivered to me. NEVER.

so fast forward to today. this time rose came. and the card a bit more intimate. with talk of my sexiness, and how tinking of me makes them a happier person. that they love and admire me from afar. .... what the hell?!?

nah... had to be juan.

nope. not him.

this time he got a bit huffy puffy at the fact that i asked him intensely if it were him this time or not. "well, send them back" he said. lol!

i called the flower company and they said they'd check to see if the sender wished to stay anonymous. they did. but, the customer service rep did let slip that it was "a man" sending all the flowers. i am definately intrigued. theflowers are gorgeous. and i find myself wishing it was juan, not some far off admirer. i also found myself wishing that he gave a bit more of a damn than usual.

so, i was able to get my vday fix. beautiful flowers, sunshine, hugs and kisses from my ladybug and a card from my daddy. eventhough i didn't get it from the one i love. no cards. no flowers. no intimate dinner for two. no ... well, maybe some love making (of course he'll take that-but in his mind, it won't have anythhing to do with valentines day!!). what do you do when the one you love hates the day that you are to celebrate the love you have for one another all year long?

well, you love them anyway. in spite of themselves. because love truly rules. when you let it.

today is the day for LOVE---HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

be well :)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

back on the highway

a little while ago i talked about feeling as though i had taken a temporary detour on my journey in this life, to discovering my authentic self among other things, but that i was back on the road again. now i'm sure there will be many more detours to come, and that's just fine. they're needed. requred really, for the kind of growth, and peace of spirit and mind that i'm looking to achieve. and that detour has put me in a very contemplative mood, where i'm thinking deeply about where i'm at right now. where i've come. and where and how i intend to be going forward. i feel that i am in the process of laying the groundwork for the rest of my life. and i'm quite excited about that.

i feel that this year is truly the year for change. i feel it. know it. and i plan on making some changes of my own regarding quite a bit. now, i'm not into 'resolutions', the kind everyone makes at the beginning of the year. nope. but i do believe in intent. and setting reasonable, attainable goals for myself. intentions. and i have several for myself. for my life.

so going forward, i will occasionally post various intentions and goals for myself, and will putting various lists together of things that are important to me. some may seem very simple and shallow. some might be deep and challenging. and i begin with these...


~ get back to meditating daily
~ exercise regularly (3-4xwk)
~ get back to cooking what I like to eat, and experimenting more
~ get back to reading
~ work on my creativity by crafting more and getting back to my photography
~ be quiet

i plan on taking baby steps towards these goals. doing what i can, when i can do it, and not beating myself up over what seems to be a lack of measurable progress. that's ridiculous. and i hope that non of you out there are doing that.... huh?

be well :)

Friday, January 30, 2009

still working on it

well, this new year is here. actively in progress. progress. and, more importantly, this is a year of change. so much change. i know it. sense it. feel it. and i've been thinking about it all too, in a way. like i've said in a previous post, i've been in a very contemplative mood since the holidays after taking a little detour. now, i'm trying to get out of it. get back on the road again, to finding me.

but i haven't been able to 'get going'. i am normally ready to jump into each new year, each month, hungry and excited for what i know it will bring. but not this time. and it just occured to me why. for all the supposed, yes, supposed, contemplating - i've really done none at all. not really. i've sort off skimmed the surface of truly examining where i'm at now, where i really want to go, how to get there, who i am now, and my intentions (not resolutions) going forward. yeah, i've had a few ideas. a few false starts. but i've done nothing. therefore, i have no groundwork, no framework, no outline for going forward. that's why i haven't been able to get going.

so, i'm going to start working on a list of, hmmm, don't know what to call this. not resolutions though. i don't do those. we make them self defeating and i feel very strongly about them-that's another post, promise! now, this list is for sure full of intentions for myself, my life, for this year and on. things that i really intend to focus on, work on, be conscious of. you see, i want to change my life. not that i'm unhappy with it now. oh no. it's just that i feel very strongly about this journey called life, and that i am here to get as much out of it as i can, to serve, to be a better person.

i realize now that i've a few people and situations in my life that are toxic, unwittingly and not by choice (you can't choose your family). for many years it's been this way, and has caused me to develop into two people. the strong, courageous, common sensical, and funny angela who know's where it's at and will show you how to get there. then, there's the other one. the one that, when is around or in the toxicity, is unable to speak her truth. and i am struggling with that. it makes me feel like a hypocrite. so now a big part of my journey is figuring out how to join the two angelas, how we can coexist in the same space. or if that's even possible. hell, do i even want them to.... nope. not anymore.

so, yeah, i'm still working on it. my journey to myself.

Monday, January 26, 2009

mr. fix it part 2

OMG!! he did it. he really did do it. he fix my car. my baaaby.
i am still in shock. he finished it soon after i first posted, and i am still in shock. i was very nervous though. every so often i'd hear a "hmpf"; "uh-oh"; "now where would that go..?"; and then a "dammit!!" coming from the garage. the last one was a biggie because he is not a cusser. and with each uterance my heart would sink. the pain of seeing my baby's innards all strown about was oh so difficult. it soothed me little to be out there helping him... holding the flash light, passing tools, offering encouraging words like"yeah, that looks right babe".
i am so very proud of him. i just can't tell you how bursting with pride i am of him. i told him that he can talk smack for at least the next 9 months for this one!

be well :)