Friday, January 30, 2009

still working on it

well, this new year is here. actively in progress. progress. and, more importantly, this is a year of change. so much change. i know it. sense it. feel it. and i've been thinking about it all too, in a way. like i've said in a previous post, i've been in a very contemplative mood since the holidays after taking a little detour. now, i'm trying to get out of it. get back on the road again, to finding me.

but i haven't been able to 'get going'. i am normally ready to jump into each new year, each month, hungry and excited for what i know it will bring. but not this time. and it just occured to me why. for all the supposed, yes, supposed, contemplating - i've really done none at all. not really. i've sort off skimmed the surface of truly examining where i'm at now, where i really want to go, how to get there, who i am now, and my intentions (not resolutions) going forward. yeah, i've had a few ideas. a few false starts. but i've done nothing. therefore, i have no groundwork, no framework, no outline for going forward. that's why i haven't been able to get going.

so, i'm going to start working on a list of, hmmm, don't know what to call this. not resolutions though. i don't do those. we make them self defeating and i feel very strongly about them-that's another post, promise! now, this list is for sure full of intentions for myself, my life, for this year and on. things that i really intend to focus on, work on, be conscious of. you see, i want to change my life. not that i'm unhappy with it now. oh no. it's just that i feel very strongly about this journey called life, and that i am here to get as much out of it as i can, to serve, to be a better person.

i realize now that i've a few people and situations in my life that are toxic, unwittingly and not by choice (you can't choose your family). for many years it's been this way, and has caused me to develop into two people. the strong, courageous, common sensical, and funny angela who know's where it's at and will show you how to get there. then, there's the other one. the one that, when is around or in the toxicity, is unable to speak her truth. and i am struggling with that. it makes me feel like a hypocrite. so now a big part of my journey is figuring out how to join the two angelas, how we can coexist in the same space. or if that's even possible. hell, do i even want them to.... nope. not anymore.

so, yeah, i'm still working on it. my journey to myself.

Monday, January 26, 2009

mr. fix it part 2

OMG!! he did it. he really did do it. he fix my car. my baaaby.
i am still in shock. he finished it soon after i first posted, and i am still in shock. i was very nervous though. every so often i'd hear a "hmpf"; "uh-oh"; "now where would that go..?"; and then a "dammit!!" coming from the garage. the last one was a biggie because he is not a cusser. and with each uterance my heart would sink. the pain of seeing my baby's innards all strown about was oh so difficult. it soothed me little to be out there helping him... holding the flash light, passing tools, offering encouraging words like"yeah, that looks right babe".
i am so very proud of him. i just can't tell you how bursting with pride i am of him. i told him that he can talk smack for at least the next 9 months for this one!

be well :)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

i am finally home

today is the day that barack obama became the 44th president of these united states of america. it's a day in which america has risen up, finally, to meet the potential god has bleesed it with.

i am full. so very full. inspired. and truly, truly...... hopeful.

although nothing has actually changed. it has. you see, this is the day that america has begun to actually change. the change is actually palpaple. tangible.

my eyes sting from the tears of pride. joy. satisfaction.

oh glory. oh mercy. oh grace. my god.

yes, change has come to america.

be well :)