bittersweetness

this is an interesting day. with mixed emotions.

as of tomorrow, it will be one year since my last round of chemo. yep. a whole year. 12 months. 52 weeks. three hundred and sixty five days. i was told that i would never be able to go more than 2-3 months without the poison until these diseases prematurely take me outta here.

once i realized that chemotherapy, in some form of regularity, be it a round here and there, or during health crisis, weekly would be a part of my life, i set out determine for it not to be. i began setting little chemo goals in two month increments. and yes, i'd really push it. go as long as i could. yes, there were times when i should have hooked up to my port sooner. yes, i'm sure i probably made myself sicker just because i was trying to 'wait it out'. oh well. i belive the body can heal itself if you give it a chance.

anyway, i can't tell you how excited i am. it didn't occur to me actually til last week at one of my many, many regular doctors appointments - the rheumatologist, the cardiologist, the oncologist, the pulmonologist, the neurologist. hmmm ..... feel like i'm forgetting someone.... oh yeah, the good 'ole internist. at some point, at one of those visits, it dawned on me. the feeling that overcame me is one i don't have words for. i can't describe, but will try.

it feels like i've won something. yeah. that's it. just that .... i've won something. i always thought i'd want to celebrate. like in a big way. but i don't. and i've been chewing on the why of it. then sunday it occured to me that it's because i'm really not outta the woods. i could have some kind of episode, or labs could get really funky, and then off i go to get hooked up again. trepidation is keeping me from wanting to celebrate. and i want to celebrate. i should celebrate. but....

fast forward to today. i had an assessment today for a fancy new fangled form of physical rehab therapy that i was really hoping would be the answer for me. it's called bioness and involves electrical stimulation to various parts of the body to help your gait and get your mobility back. to recap again, the disease moved to my brain now and i have seizures, which effect me like strokes, which has somehow interrupted the communication between my brain and certain parts of my body. so the right side of my body is very difficult to move. i also have severe drop foot, among many, many other issues.

so what happened? sadly, i was turned down. i've got too much stuff happening. on the surface, it really seemed like i was an ideal candidate so my neuro, hubby and i were all geeked about it. but nope. not gonna happen. apparently the electric stimulation to my central nervous system is just too much for my poor little body to handle. i began reacting almost right away - i began tremoring, and eventhough the gadget was hooked up to my right leg, i was feeling it in other parts of my body because the signal goes from where the gadgets attached, to the brain, then back again. but i was insistant on pushing through and getting up to walk. i was gonna walk! ( i have several pairs of 3 to 4 inch heels that are depending on me!!)

i deteriorated quickly and began having issues with my heart, and then had what was probably one of my siezures, but different though. it was all very unusual, and i'm still feeling the effects. it was not to be and it was all i could do to not cry while waiting for the elevator with juan.

so maybe i will celebrate. yes. i will. just don't know how. suggestions? i want to, need to get this taste out of my mouth. taste of bittersweetness.

bittersweetness.

be well, because i am ;p

my roots are for real

so yes, it's been a long while since i've posted. and it's been intentional.

i had to put some space between me and this blog of mine to remember, and get clear again, why i began it in the first place. a place. my place.

this was to be a place for me, my place, to explore and extract and examine and uncover me. me and my life, as i deal with, battle with, all my health issues. all while documenting the goings and comings, people, places, and things of my life. unabashedly and unashamed and unappologetically.

but i've gotten away from that. you still get 'me', but i'm not being totally real in the way that i had intended. i've pulled back. slowly. i began talking more about this and that, less about me. what i was truly feeling, dealing with, thought. i realized a few months ago that i began to be more concerned with what you would have to say, would think, would feel in regards to what i shared. scared that my rants, detachment, fears.... my honesty.... would worry you. scare you.

in my short time blogging i've been able to reach out, share my voice, and actually touch people. i'm so amazingly humbled by that. i have developed some wonderful and meaningful relationships that have truly blessed me and my life in special ways, and i'm so very thankful.

i can't continue this way because it's not me. so i'm getting back to me. ME. and all that i am and am not and hope to be. my trials, and triumphs, drama, fun, and funk. as well as taking some risks. all as i truly, honestly see fit. so just as my banner says:

"..... this blog is about me. my truth. my honesty & sometimes my denial. my experiences. my emotions,my highs and lows. as raw and open as i can be. just me. my health battles (whaddiya mean terminal??!!). my journey to discover my authentic self before time runs out. my evolution. the random thoughts that cross my mind, and the goings and comings of my sometimes hectic and not always interesting life. so grab a cuppa or a glass of wine, get comfy, and visit for a while!"

thank you and be well ;p

at the lords table

yes, i know its been a looooong time since i've posted. and i'm working on, out some things regarding the relationshop i have with my blog, so bare with me.

however, in the meantime, i'm here to post about my ladybug. yes, i have a relationship with God. i'm not big on specific, organized religion. i'm a 'recovering catholic' and attend mass about once a month. i do also attend non catholic church as well. i'm more spiritual than religious - take that how you will. for me, it's all about getting your spirit, your soul fed. it's also my responsibility to feed my child's soul, spirit and i do that in many different ways on a daily basis. one of which is teaching her the principles and catechisms of catholicism. yes, i'm 'recovering', however, i do love the solemnity, reverence for God, discipline, and accountability that it teaches.

so with that said, my child recieved her first holy communion yesterday, and it was a beautiful, joy filled, blessed day of love and fellowship.

we decided to have a small get together after the mass ceremony and i decided to keep it small. i only invited immediate family and ladybugs favorite people (except some of her classmates as they were having celebrations of their own). aunie 'D-money', auntie shannon, ms. glo, mr. P, ms. sunshine, all there to support her - the people missing were her auntie 'cc', uncle/goddaddy fred, uncle charles, and ms. babz. how blessed and fortunate am i that my own child loves the same people i do! the very ones that i consider my sisters and brothers - truly!

everyone was worried that i would over do it...whatever.... and spent most of their energy chasing after me. well, i did take it easy-i went to wholefoods, trader, and costco and got a few prepared meals. but you know me, i can never pass up an opportunity to cook. so, i just made a pasta salad of multi colored rotini noodles, baked chicken breast, mulit colored bell pepers, red onion, sliced grape tomatoes, parsley all dressed with my famous/secret creamy garlic-mustard viniagrette. YUM!! i also filled the house with flowers, another opportunity taken advantage of.

anwyway, it was a wonderful day and i am so thankful to know how much my child is loved.

be well :)

ps... i'll add more pics later. ciao!

bionic woman

well, back in the saddle again. i'm in the hospital. much six months ago to the week from my last stay. i'm known to friends and family for not being the best patient. and i can be difficult. but i mean that in a very good way. yes, i am stubborn. strong willed. determined as all get out. yeah, i do what i want to do - when, and mostly how i want to do it. but that's it. not much trouble at all really.

the nurses say i'm a joy and an inspiration. my PT's and OT's are amzazed at my ability to adapt and flow with the situation. so there, i'm not the superbad hospital *b*i*t*c*h* you all think i am. (well, maybe just a little bit). so i said all that to say that i'm back in the same place i was six months ago. only not really. when i was here last, i was angry. scared. and oh so ready to go home. i was in no mood to be thinking about my life other than how my health is interfering with it.

so now? i welcome this inconvenience. this time out. this opportunity to continue my examination of this, my journey.

then off to chemo. again.

stay tuned because i've got some pics to post of ladybug and i goofing off around the hospital floor and in my room, and then dinner time.

be well :)

here we go again...part 2?

well, here i am at 11:42pm curled up on my big blue sofa. it's the night before my surgery and i'm exhausted. emotionally. totally drained.

mainly because i am just so very tired of all this health rigamarole. shit really. it's so old now and i'm so over it. i am angry. frustrated. hurt. scared. there. i said it. yeah. that's it.

here i am again. almost exactly 6 months to the day. not as twisted really. just tired of it all. tired as in giving up? hell no. my life is too damn good. no, my life? great! yeah, i could use some work here and there. but i am just so damn tired of this all. this health rigamamarole. it's so very old now and i am so very over it.

and on top of this all, my mommy dearest is at her best. i get that she just doesn't love me like that. how a mommy should love her baby. she can't. and that's fine. tears. i want a mommy right now. tears. need comfort. tears. could really use one right now. tears. oh well.

which brings me to my baby. oh my love, so sweet yes she is. more tears. too many. so here's a portion of the post about ladybug i did the night before the first surgery back in september. every last bit of this is the absolute truth and pretty is much how tongiht went and for how i feel at this very moment.

"...so now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking. about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in the palm of little her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip is so smooth, an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said softly "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's something about the way she says "tomorrow". she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hug from my own mommy, and with the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this....."


thank you everyone!

biking along and other stuff

in my now ocassionaly usual fashion, i had forgotten to post a few pics and the short stories that go along with them. so the first batch are of ladybug learning how to ride her new bike pop got her as a late christmas present. she got a bike at the wee age of 3 and has been refusing to learn how to ride ever since.
well, my pop was having none of that any longer. two saturdays ago, he came up after her track practice and so he could put a stop to the madness. no grandchild of his was not gonna know how to ride a bike. and that was that. juan and i followed them down the street to the local elementary school and dropped of the bike. we stayed for just a few minutes before pops shooed us off, so we headed home, less than 10 minutes away. well, just as we were pulling into the garage pops called. "come on back, she's ready to show off for you!". juan and i couldn't believe it.



sure enough, she was cycling along with all the confidence of lance armstrong when we pulled up. she had it! now all she wants to do is ride! all she talks about is riding!
















now, about ladybugs hair. when i wash her hair i usually put the curls curly q products in her hair. i use the curly q custard, milkshake, and princess glaze on my childs crazy curly, crazy thick, and crazy beautiful hair. i let her rock her curls, twists often, but in ponytails mainly because that girls hair is so thick. ocassionaly i will flat iron it on special ocassionaly so she can wear her bangs. so, after i washed her hair this past saturday, i decided to blowdry it out instead just to 'see'. well HELLO!!!! i created a monster. she knew she was hot.






ok, so in my valentines day post i mentioned a secret admirer, sort of. i got a couple of bouquets of flowers that were just gorgeous. at first i just knew it was my daddy-that's so like him-nope. and we know it wasn't juan *smirk* i called a few more friends/business colleagues-nope. i couldn't figure out who were sending them to me. each day for 3 days, ending on vday. so, i
icalled the flower company to see if they'd clue me in-nope. but i didn't give up! finally a customer service rep slipped and i got to a manager who said they'd call the sender and see if they'd want to be revealed-nope. not completely. just that HE was someone from my past who still very much admirers me, that he ran into a mutual friend whom i'm very close with and that friend mentioned where i was and he found me from that. and..... i still don't know who he is. *sigh...*

















be well :)

day for daddies

well, ladybug and juan are off at the school's annual father daughter dance tonight and i think he was more excited about it than she was. and i am so glad of that. i do what i can so they may develop a special relationship, bond. she loves him, and he adores her. when i was pregnant he made it very clear that 'he' was having a daughter. however, it's hard for him to express his adoration for her in ways that are meaningful and relevant to her. and that's something i'm working very hard on helping him with. he's had no model but his pure love driven determination to figure out how to be a wonderful father truly touches my heart.

it's important to me you see, because i'm a daddy's girl. a hardcore daddy's girl.. i LOVE my "pop's". and i got the rare treat of spending the day working with him. just me and him. and i haven't been able to do that in a VERY LONG TIME. he called last night to say he had no coverage today while he saw clients and worked on taxes. this is our company's busy season (tax time) and since i've been 'really' sick (ie-can't drive), i haven't been in the office to see and know what's going on. it was both quite difficult and fantastically exhilarating for me to be there. i miss it so much. i also see how much of a mess it is, both in organization and cleanliness. and that was so hard for me to see today because that is not pop. you can walk in to his house at any given moment with a white glove and run your fingers over anything, anywhere. ** sigh** i feel the pressure, self inflicted, to get better because he needs me. the business needs me. and i need it.

yes, i can and do work from home. i "see" about 5-7 clients a week (i had more before i got real sick), run about 1-2 seminars a month, and work on company stuff here and there. i do pretty well. actually, i run the company; it's his and ours together. he started it about 27 years ago and handed primary operations over to me about 8 years ago - i am the president/ceo and he's the v.p./cfo. we have 3 seperate yet overlapping practices-tax, non-profit, and small business consulting- and we stay busy. i handle my own life coaching practice, in addition to my regular consulting duties in the areas of HR/Employment, group home administration certification training programs, financial/real estate/mortgage, along with running all back office operations and issues for the company (payables, recievables, contracts, internal payroll, hr, etc..). sounds quite diverse does it? yes and not really. it all overlaps actually. trust me.

so with all that said, i love what i do and the fact that i get to do it with my pops. my daddy. and i hope and pray that my ladybug will do and feel the same about hers.

be well :)