Monday, March 16, 2009

bionic woman

well, back in the saddle again. i'm in the hospital. much six months ago to the week from my last stay. i'm known to friends and family for not being the best patient. and i can be difficult. but i mean that in a very good way. yes, i am stubborn. strong willed. determined as all get out. yeah, i do what i want to do - when, and mostly how i want to do it. but that's it. not much trouble at all really.

the nurses say i'm a joy and an inspiration. my PT's and OT's are amzazed at my ability to adapt and flow with the situation. so there, i'm not the superbad hospital *b*i*t*c*h* you all think i am. (well, maybe just a little bit). so i said all that to say that i'm back in the same place i was six months ago. only not really. when i was here last, i was angry. scared. and oh so ready to go home. i was in no mood to be thinking about my life other than how my health is interfering with it.

so now? i welcome this inconvenience. this time out. this opportunity to continue my examination of this, my journey.

then off to chemo. again.

stay tuned because i've got some pics to post of ladybug and i goofing off around the hospital floor and in my room, and then dinner time.

be well :)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

here we go again...part 2?

well, here i am at 11:42pm curled up on my big blue sofa. it's the night before my surgery and i'm exhausted. emotionally. totally drained.

mainly because i am just so very tired of all this health rigamarole. shit really. it's so old now and i'm so over it. i am angry. frustrated. hurt. scared. there. i said it. yeah. that's it.

here i am again. almost exactly 6 months to the day. not as twisted really. just tired of it all. tired as in giving up? hell no. my life is too damn good. no, my life? great! yeah, i could use some work here and there. but i am just so damn tired of this all. this health rigamamarole. it's so very old now and i am so very over it.

and on top of this all, my mommy dearest is at her best. i get that she just doesn't love me like that. how a mommy should love her baby. she can't. and that's fine. tears. i want a mommy right now. tears. need comfort. tears. could really use one right now. tears. oh well.

which brings me to my baby. oh my love, so sweet yes she is. more tears. too many. so here's a portion of the post about ladybug i did the night before the first surgery back in september. every last bit of this is the absolute truth and pretty is much how tongiht went and for how i feel at this very moment.

" now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking. about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in the palm of little her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip is so smooth, an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said softly "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's something about the way she says "tomorrow". she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hug from my own mommy, and with the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this....."

thank you everyone!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

biking along and other stuff

in my now ocassionaly usual fashion, i had forgotten to post a few pics and the short stories that go along with them. so the first batch are of ladybug learning how to ride her new bike pop got her as a late christmas present. she got a bike at the wee age of 3 and has been refusing to learn how to ride ever since.
well, my pop was having none of that any longer. two saturdays ago, he came up after her track practice and so he could put a stop to the madness. no grandchild of his was not gonna know how to ride a bike. and that was that. juan and i followed them down the street to the local elementary school and dropped of the bike. we stayed for just a few minutes before pops shooed us off, so we headed home, less than 10 minutes away. well, just as we were pulling into the garage pops called. "come on back, she's ready to show off for you!". juan and i couldn't believe it.

sure enough, she was cycling along with all the confidence of lance armstrong when we pulled up. she had it! now all she wants to do is ride! all she talks about is riding!

now, about ladybugs hair. when i wash her hair i usually put the curls curly q products in her hair. i use the curly q custard, milkshake, and princess glaze on my childs crazy curly, crazy thick, and crazy beautiful hair. i let her rock her curls, twists often, but in ponytails mainly because that girls hair is so thick. ocassionaly i will flat iron it on special ocassionaly so she can wear her bangs. so, after i washed her hair this past saturday, i decided to blowdry it out instead just to 'see'. well HELLO!!!! i created a monster. she knew she was hot.

ok, so in my valentines day post i mentioned a secret admirer, sort of. i got a couple of bouquets of flowers that were just gorgeous. at first i just knew it was my daddy-that's so like him-nope. and we know it wasn't juan *smirk* i called a few more friends/business colleagues-nope. i couldn't figure out who were sending them to me. each day for 3 days, ending on vday. so, i
icalled the flower company to see if they'd clue me in-nope. but i didn't give up! finally a customer service rep slipped and i got to a manager who said they'd call the sender and see if they'd want to be revealed-nope. not completely. just that HE was someone from my past who still very much admirers me, that he ran into a mutual friend whom i'm very close with and that friend mentioned where i was and he found me from that. and..... i still don't know who he is. *sigh...*

be well :)