STRUGGLING (part 1)

Like I said before, a lot has been going on these last few years – health, ladybug, work, hell… LIFE! – and to catch you up would probably take an act of God. So, I’ll just give you the highlights and we’ll pick up from there.

LADYBUG:

Well, she’s 16 now (guess I should change that picture, huh?), and is still the sweetest, easiest kid ever. Truly. And I THANK GOD because I am not the kind of person that could handle all that drama that comes with teen girls. We’ve been really struggling with her the last 2 years with her learning differences though. She was assessed in the 8^th grade and diagnosed with Central and Auditory Processing Disorder with working memory issues. We’ve done all sorts of cognitive behavioral and executive functioning therapies along with hiring an educational coach til tenth grade. She’s been in an amazing private college prep high school with an equally amazing program for high achieving kids who learn differently.

She’d been doing just fine until May of last year; puberty hit and she began to crash and burn. We worked with her over last summer, putting measures in place for her 11^th grade year and the school was great, doing everything they could to help and support us/her. The allowed additional accommodations, assistive technology devices (the LiveScribe smart pen), and the option to take tests orally. But… she completely fell off the cliff. She did not pass the 11^th grade.

It’s been a very difficult time for us. She has really been floundering academically; funny though, her spirits have been ok. After several meetings with her school therapist, counselors, and teachers we decided to do an additional assessment in February and found that she also has ADHD-Inattentive Type. So, after all was said and done, it was clear that we needed to medicate her since we’d already done all the cognitive and executive functioning strategies and tools that basically just stopped working. It was a hard decision that we researched the hell out of, particularly given my own medical history. Apparently, in girls particularly, puberty can bring it on with a vengeance for those with an already preexisting learning difference – like Ladybug. To manage the medication I had to find a pediatric psychiatrist or a behavioral pediatrician and was an odyssey in and of itself because there aren’t many doctors who take teens, but I did. I interviewed her a few times before setting the appointment for LB.

After a two hour session with LB, the doc decided she was clinically depressed, and in order to even address the ADHD, we had to deal with the depression. I didn’t fully agree, but with my own clinical therapy background (my original training waaaaaay back when), I understood that depression presents in many different ways, especially in teen girls… So, I rode with it. This past April the doc prescribed her a well-known medication for depression AND ADHD of which J and I researched and green-lit it on an extremely tight timeline, along with weekly therapy. After 3 months we saw no change. During this time I mentioned this to the doc several times, who said we just needed to increase the dose and let it get to therapeutic levels. Well, by the beginning of July I’d had enough and had LB taper off. I made a list of the issues (mainly that we didn’t think she was ‘clinically depressed’), the things we were still seeing, and what our expectations where, then spoke with her. The doc totally blew me off, told me I needed to “calm down and relax”, then blamed me for all of LBs issues! Yep. She sure did. Then told me that nope, in fact LB wasn’t clinically depressed after all, but that “she should be” because “she has a terminally ill mother and all that goes with that”… Yep. She actually said those words too. Also, that all LB needed was an “attitude adjustment”. All with LB sitting right there in the room. Sigh.

These last few months have been beyond stressful. Seeing your child struggling, floundering, and not knowing how to help her. That everything you’ve done and tried just isn’t enough. Having to pull her form a school community we love, who love and support her. I have shed some serious tears, along with LB. So… yes, I’m now looking for another doctor and therapist because the issues have still not been addressed. We’ve had to pull LB from school as a rising senior, and we will be homeschooling her. Quite honestly, I feel amazing about the decision, but am overwhelmed with all the information and options out there! But we’re all super excited – mainly Ladybug! She’s never been a ‘classroom kid’, NEVER. And she just learns differently. This way we can make school, well… learning really, interesting, meaningful, and fun for her.  Yes, she’s sad that she’ll be missing her senior year and all the fun and activities that go with that, but she gets that this is best and why.

I tell you, it’s been a really tough year and I thought LAST YEAR was some shit!!! But at least for this piece of it, it’s trying to come together, though I’m still trying to find a doctor for her… I’m seeing some light in this particular tunnel.

Ang💜

Mommy's Off...!

My GOD to I love her!

Well, it's summer time and you will find no one more happy about this than me! Why you ask? because it means I get a break! No running Ladybug back and forth to school, practice, Girl Scouts, etc...

It's been a tough spring, well, year really - beginning August of last year. Ladybugs eighth grade year started with a bang! I'm very active in her school community, volunteering for everything possible - Fall Festival, Haunted House, Spring Auction, field trips, tons of other miscellany in between, plus responsible for the school garden and annual farmers market. I've always been very active at school, as active as my health allowed over the years, but these last 2 years I've been pretty healthy, therefore allowing me to take advantage and throw myself into as much as I could. Plus, Ladybug loves that I'm always at school. So with this being her last middle school year, the activities leading to graduation seemed to double!

Then one week after she graduated, she started a short summer program at her new high school, whish is double the distance... meaning, much longer drive for me. So I was still in the grind for a few more weeks. Until.... this last week when I packed up LB and J and I shipped her off to Atlanta to spend a WHOLE MONTH with the family!!!

***** CAN YOU SEE ME DOING THE SNOOPY HAPPY DANCE? *****

All packed and ready to GO!!!

LB has been besides herself with anticipation, waiting for the day for her to take off. She's grown up hearing us talk about J growing up there, my college days there, and both our adventures living there; she's always been keenly interested in our lives there. For years J and I have talked about sending her there to spend summers with the family, but we waited til she was older (probably because J didn't want to let her go - it took him forever to get her ticket, lol!!), and now that time has come! She loves her Atlanta family, which is small but there are a couple of cousins she's in the middle of age-wise, but as I've mentioned before, she's (almost) the only girl, and the boys are into football, so I'm curious to see how this'll go. And LB just loves being in Atlanta, and it's 'lack of diversity'. I know that sounds strange, but she's in environments that lacks any kind of color/diversity (her private elementary school and tennis), and she's felt this deeply, sparking countless conversations with her about race and class that have been amazing. However, she's made it plain and quite clear that she wants to be around more folk that look like her, and Atlanta's the place, LOL!!!




Us FaceTiming earlier today.

Another milestone for her was that this was her first flight ALL BY HERSLEF!! She LOVES to fly, and is an excellent and experienced traveler, so we felt she could handle it (yes, J survived!). She gets a whole month to be with her family and experience Atlanta, I'm so excited for her! I just hope she's able to take advantage of this and get around and see the city as much as possible. And us being us (J and I), she'll still be just a little busy ... tennis camp, her regular workouts, and required family reading - "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou and "The Autobiography of Malcom X". But don't worry family, she has plenty of down time for her favorite pastime - swimming! Remember, she's gone for 32 WHOLE DAYS!!!!

32 days of No Child. No schedule coordination. No fussing about chores. No talks about life lessons. Well, actually, I like that. And with all of the stuff I've been freed of, there's stuff I will miss, like hearing her sweet voice call for me when she has a question or needs help... "Mommy". Her humor. The way she greets me every morning no matter what. Her laugh. Oh yeah, I already miss her.


But Juan on the other hand??? He's already having issues...LOL! But I've got some activities planned for the both of us that will hopefully keep him distracted... I'll keep you posted.

Be well ♥

Is It Twelve Already?

Wow, has it really been two months since my last post? Honestly, I have no excuses and I’m sorry. I’ve just been lazy. I think of and want to blog every day, but just haven’t. That’s it. No excuses really, no drama, haven’t been sick, fingers been working (sort of) fine. Then I started getting emails from you all - my wonderful and faithful followers. Wow. I’m so blessed and humbled that so many you out there actually care about my inane dribble. Then I really began feeling bad. As I should. Because I’ve had some pretty funny, interesting, and thought provoking insights to blog about! Well, what’s done is done, so let’s get to it! Since there’s a bit of ground for me to cover, I’ll start slowly, which will force me to post several entries – more for you all to enjoy! 

So let’s start with my beloved ladybug. She just had a birthday and is now a twelve year old. I’m still wrapping my mind around this. It’s amazing to see how she’s grown (literally! –  she's grown 7 inches in 10 months!!), and developed both emotionally and maturity wise, especially since moving her to a new school last year. She has changed by leaps and bounds and I’m so damn proud of her! She’s gone from absolutely hating the idea of reading, to begging for books and sneaking to stay up late so she can read! OMG. She rarely complains, and never gives up. I am often in awe of her and wondering where she gets that fortitude from. 

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post here, last year was the year from hell for us when we moved her to this new school – it was truly horrible. But she triumphed and never let those kids, or the situation get to her. Now, she’s a rock star! She’s little miss popularity! It's like the twilight zone, lol! They LOVE her! She’s not complaining either. Even though she seems to have found a really good core group of girls (who’ve played a major role in her new found interest in reading), I see now through the benefit of hindsight that at least this group of girls are shy in nature and underexposed, and that that's what their particular issue was last year (I can't speak for the other lil heifers!). However, Juan and I have told her more than once to be mindful, that some of them were the same girls who treated her not so nice, for whatever reason, and to let them show her that they want to be her friend for who she is, not what they think she has or can do for them.

With that little bit of background said, she had a big birthday weekend blowout/extravaganza with some of the girls from school. It was two days of 12 and 13 year old fun! The theme was “Girls Night Out and In” where we first did a ‘date’ with a movie and dinner complete with ‘mocktails’, then we headed to our house for lots of fun and games. Once home we did the bday cake and a sparkling cider toast in fancy glasses. Then they had an Xbox dance off and karaoke singing contests where the girls won prizes. Afterwards they had a massive pillow fight and enjoyed down time where they did crafts, worked puzzles, and played card/board games. The next morning we headed to the local breakfast spot for pancakes and hot chocolate, then back home for more hanging out time til their parents picked them up. Everyone had a blast! And I survived!  

So it's official, we have a twelve year old. My how time has flown...

Be well ♥

She's Strong!

*** LONG ***

Summer is OVER and school has started…WOOO-HOOO!! This has been a very busy summer for ladybug, hence for me. She’s done a sleep away camp and a six week sports camp at UC Berkeley, which really kept her busy. They did a different sport every hour for six hours, every day! Ladybug went from dodge ball to tennis to water polo to chess to archery…. She came home exhausted each day and LOVED it! LOL!

I’m glad she had such a great summer, but do regret not arranging more play dates for her. I realize that she needs more interaction in that way, especially given our new school situation. We decided to move her to a new school, for reasons I’ll detail later, but bottom line ladybug needed a different environment both academically and socially. And it had been an extremely difficult year for her. We had taken her from the only place she’s ever known, what had come to be a cocoon of sorts, and a whole community of friends she knew as family  – good, bad, and ugly-  and moved her (fifteen miles away) to a new environment that was completely foreign to her. New teachers, new kids, and new ways of doing things.

It was so hard for her both academically and socially. The kids were slow to warm to her and just weren’t very welcoming, FOR MOST OF THE YEAR. She even ran into her first real bully. She did everything she could – initiated conversations and interaction; joined Girl Scouts, Volleyball, and Band. Nothing. You see, they just wouldn't interact with her ‘willingly’, and they just didn’t ‘see’ her, like she was invisible, and that’s more painful than them being mean to her. And like at the old school she was ‘the only one’ in her class - the only African American, which I do feel played a small role in her difficulties. I didn’t see it at first I think because I was more focused on what everyone else was saying... that it's a difficult age/grade; that kids/girls at this stage can be so harsh/mean; etc... The school, although primarily Caucasian, is in the middle of urban area and pretty diverse compared to her old school, but her class is the only one that has no clearly identifiable African American students. There's one boy that I think may be black, but honestly, he could easily be identified as two or three other nationalities before black. Even though the school is relatively diverse for the type of school and where it is, her class is not, and I feel that most of the kids suffer from lack of exposure and basic manners (at least that’s how they behave) which was more of an issue. She was not made to feel welcomed on the most basic of levels, was ignored, and as her mom, it was more than extremely painful and difficult to watch my beloved be treated such a way. Even her teacher could see what was going on, and it broke her heart too. To her credit, and the principals, we met often to discuss the situation, they tried hard to see our side and understand, and tried to address it as best as they could. But then, how can you legislate good and decent behavior, and basic manners?

We usually got to school a bit early and would sit in the car listening to music to motivate her, talking about this and that, then her regular “have a great day, daddy loves you” call to Juan (she’s grumpy if she doesn’t talk to him before she heads off to class!). This has become one of our many 'favorite times of the day', but one morning in late February she sat in my lap (in the car) and cried. She was so tired of dealing with it all. She just couldn’t understand what was wrong, why they treated her the way they did. Oh, my heart broke for her. There was more crying later that night at bedtime. This time she really boohooed, and I told her to let it all out, that she deserved and had earned a good hard cry! I cried with her. For her. And for me as her mom, not knowing how to help her, short of burning the damn place down. It was all I could do to NOT walk up to those kids, and their moms, and smack the hell out of most of them!

Juan and I told ladybug to buck up and let them know she wasn’t a punk. I also gave her what I wished I had been given… Detailed insider info from someone who’s been there, and still remembers intimately what it’s like to be 11 and in the sixth grade. So I told her exactly what to say, what not to say, and how to say it; how and when to react, or not; we even role played and practiced too. I can’t fight her battles for her, so I want her to be as prepared as possible so that was the best I felt I could do at that moment – without going to jail!

We told her that she's the new girl, who still hugs and kisses her mom openly, plus she has a mom who walks with a funky cane and 'wiggles' (tremors) a lot. We also explained that, in a way it wasn’t the kids’ fault, really, that it was due to lack of home training in the most basic areas of manners and politeness – it starts at home! And it showed. Even the moms weren’t very welcoming to me either. Don’t get me wrong, they were always ‘polite'.  However, very stand-offish, or even curious (I was once grilled about our background and pedigree by a seemingly rude mom who showed little civility) it was painfully clear that many of them didn’t care to get to know me, or their children know mine. As do the parent, so does the child… or something like that. Only two or three moms actually stepped up and said “welcome”, and one then immediately offered up a play date with her daughter, which I readily and happily accepted. They seemed to get along great, and she had a great time at ladybugs birthday party too. However, the young lady was always quite cool towards ladybug at school, and it seemed she didn’t want any classmates to know she’d done any socializing with the new kid. Ladybug was hurt and confused, said even though she ignores her at times, the girl has never been mean to her. I explained the whole peer pressure thing and that, to me, she just seems extremely shy. Oh how I hoped that was the case.

I could weep as I replay this.

Is it a sixth grade thing? An eleven-twelve year old thing? A tween girl thing? A socio-economic/race thing? Probably a mix of all of the above. To an extent, I don't blame the parents either. They're busy living their lives, rushing to soccer, dance, volleyball, work, etc... I'm sure the whole concept of diversity, and how to teach their kids about it, just doesn't occur to them. Let's be real, most of the families at this school probably don't really come in to much meaningful contact with those of a different back ground, no let me not sugar coat it, black folk, outside of having them ring/bag up their groceries, selling them something at a retail store, seeing them standing at a bus stop on their way to and fro - if they even notice. What's probably more likely is as the subject of a news piece about crime or some other kind of foolishness on the evening news. I digress, don't mean to turn this into political commentary, will save for another post... I say all this to say that it's amazing how what we think, or don't think about, what we're comfortable with or not, effects how and what we think, therefore, how we behave. 

Then again, maybe I was spoiled at our old school. Yes, the teachers were warm and friendly, but incompetent, uninspired, and severely restricted. The administration/principal was horribly lazy, allowed bad situations to fester and often instigated or made them worse, and just didn't want to be there. The kids were smart asses, precocious, and into things that just weren't appropriate for their age (even though it was an older class where most of them were a full two years older than ladybug). And yes, some of the parents were a hot mess - I had to go to the Diocease about one family in particular, I wrote about it here...DRAMA! But the kids loved ladybug, showed me respect and many showed me affection, and all had manners and were polite (I can overlook or forgive quite a bit if someones polite or has good manners). And almost all parents were simply amazing. Most of us actually liked and loved each other, enjoyed and wanted to spend time together, we even started a monthly 'moms night out' in first grade, that continues and I'm still part of today!

Anyway, ladybug survived of course, and brilliantly I might add. Although hard most of the time, both socially and academically (looks like there's some minor learning challenges probably due to prematurity...I’ll fill you in on that later!), it really was the best 10 months because it gave Juan and I an amazing opportunity to teach her some critically important life lessons about who she is and what she's all about, that we couldn’t have re-created any better. Ladybug is better for it. She is able to see and identify bullshit and call it out for what it is... if she so chooses. She knows exactly who she is and what she's all about (as an 11 year old) , and is clear about her convictions. She just continues to amaze me really. Other than the one day of double melt downs -in the car then again at bedtime - she never once let those kids get under her skin; never once allowed this new and strange and unwelcoming environment affect who she is at her core in any negative way; and she never gave up.

A coward she is not.  

Be well ♥

10 Years Ago Today... Ode to Ladybug

hi everyone!

10 years ago today God blessed me with a wonderful creature - Lauren Camille, ladybug. today is ladybug's 10th birthday. at 5:39pm and 17 seconds to be exact. wow. double digits. i'm actually, unexpectedly, having a hard time with it. ok parents of older, multiple kids... how do you handle your children growing up? how do you cope with the fear and anxiety of it all? so far, i've just focused on the positive and deal with whatever else comes up as it comes. i guess that's all i can do. i love her so.

she's a true miracle. i was told i couldn't conceive, let alone actually carry a child to term. i had already lost 2 before her, and once since (as recently as 3 years ago). i was sick for most of my pregnancy. really sick. and amazingly she was just fine. it got to the point where my body couldn't go on any longer, and ladybug was delivered at 32 weeks. a tiny tiny thing who needed no medical support at all. my OB/GYN still marvels at that. and my was she tiny. too tiny for me to touch - even the preemie clothing was too big for her! i was afraid of her. to look at her now, 10 years later, you'd never know she was a preemie. nothing but God. 

 I Have A Confession To Make:

i love ladybug. lauren camille. i love her. no, I LOVE HER. still no. that's not enough. those words just aren't enough. ok, i just looked up some synonyms for love: adoration, tenderness, affection, devotion, on and on.... nope, still not enough. not enough to truly capture and express what i feel about her. for her.

she makes me feel so many other things as well, that to me  all seem to be related to the love and pure adoration i have for her : frustration, passion, fear, frustration, anger, giddiness, fascination, and amazement. and the need to protect her and guard her with my life.

i find that all i want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her. be near her. smell her, well.... not smell her all the time, she's now 10 after all, lol!. but you get what i'm saying, right? i love her nose, the way she pouches out her lips. i love just watching her. how she 'zones out' when she's totally into a movie. how her eyes truly light up when she's excited. the sounds she makes, hearing her make up a song about birds. watching her play by herself. i love her curly hair (most of the time), and i love it when she asks me questions and is really listening to my answer as if life itself depended on it. i love how she touches me. oh, to watch her sleep. especially that. how many of you check on your kids in the middle of the night while they're sleep? i do. i wake up and creep into her room, and listen for her breathing, a light snore if she's had a full day. if i can't hear her, then i creep closer, carefully though, not to wake her up. and touch her, to make sure, you know? yeah, you do. 

and the absolute best thing ever?? when she calls me 'mommy'. there's a particular way she says it that just makes my heart soar. and then there's the way she says it when she's up to no doggone good, lol. and yes, that one brings me joy too. 

it's not often that she's up to no good. really. juan and i are constantly wondering if and when the 'other shoe is gonna drop'. she was an easy baby. and easy toddler. and an easy kid. really. she's openly compassionate, caring, thoughtful, and empathetic. if anything, these things get her into trouble at times, because she's so busy thinking of everyone else that she forgets to handle her own business! she's not a whiner, comes home and gets right to her homework without much ado, doesn't complain about taking a bath, and is always looking for ways to help around the house. again - she'd rather help me unload the dishwasher and sweep the kitchen than clean her own room! 

now don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those parents who puts their kid on a pedestal, and feels they can do no wrong. ladybug is no angel and can be a real 'pill' if you know what i mean. she's notorious for telling it like it is, and will throw you under the bus in a new york second all in the name of truth. but a truly sweet and gentle soul she is. 

i just pray that she doesn't wake up one day and all has changed!

my favorite part of the day is the beginning. in the morning, she gets up and gets in our bed after juan has gone to work, and we laugh, cuddle, giggle, chat, and play before it's time to get ready for school. what a wonderful way for me to start my day! she, for me, is pure joy. it's a love that is total, complete, and all consuming love for my daughter. my joy. my ladybug. mmmmm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE

~ mommy

done with chemo .... for now

*** DISCLAIMER ** This post is a major gabfest due to my being under the influence of some, 'ah-em' heavy duty DEA Class II and a few CLASS 1 legally prescribed drugs, please forgive, lol*** 

hey y'all! i am soooo high and full of energy!! it's the drugs for sure. i always HATE day two because it's the drug from hell, (truly!), but i'm usually pumped up on steroids and some seriously hardcore pain medication so i'm feeling good (jealous?? DON'T BE), and am bouncing all over the place like an atom, and can't shut up to save my life. juan hates day 2 as well, lol! but today was particularly hard, and i had a couple of crisis, so they had to "pump me up!"

and i had my ladybug there with me all day. so i hate to have 'issues' while she's within ear or eye shot. however, she's so damn good! i was writhing in pain and trying very hard not to let on just how bad it was. she was busy multi tasking with her DSi and watching I-Carly, i thought i was faking the funk by pretending to be on my laptop. well this girl began rubbing my arm, they gently stroked my arm down to my hand and clutched it perfectly. she rubbed it while saying "hang on mommy it will be ok, just squeeze my hand if you have to, i can take it because can take it". MY GOD. then my nurse came in and she motioned to her. the nurse, Ms. Pat, new what to do and when into action. she normally asks me what i want to do, but i think she took one look at ladybug and what she was doing (and with a straight face like this for damn sure aint her first rodeo), and sprung into action. i dont' think i've ever gotten my drugs so fast, lol! i swear, i just dont' believe this kid sometimes - her grace, her gentleness and gentility, her pure and honest compassion and empathy. and it's not just for me, because i'm her mom - she's like this with almost everyone/everything that she cares about, but not willy nilly.. she's like her dad, she doesn't like everybody, but knows how to be polite - thank God, because her dad doesn't, lol!

so, i'm done with day 4, which completes one round. yep, just ONE round of chemo is a total of FOUR infusions over a two week period. fun. around the time i started this blog, i was undergoing treatment either weekly, or every other week (every two weeks), PLUS weekly labs, MRI's, scans, pulmonary function tests, lugging around oxygen tanks, blah, blah, blah.... for almost a year and a half. i was EXHAUSTED. no... EXHAUSTED. and i felt the treatment was killing me faster than the diseases! and all while trying to maintain my life as i knew it (past tense at the time). so i, yes, I made an executive decision to terminate regular and what seemed to be infinite chemotherapy treatments primarily for the caner and severe lupus (cns/multi system-sle). i told them that i needed to give my body a chance to heal itself. i had enough training to know that that's what the body is designed and programmed to do. so we would only do chemo "PRN", which means "On An AS NEEDED BASIS". we set up the parameters for me, and it required additional 'regular' testing for monitoring the diseases and their symptoms, and it's sort of worked...so far i guess, hell, i'm still here and i'm way more pain, and i may have given my opportunistic diseases a window of opportunity, i'm having a helluva a better time now than before, lol! can't beat that!

there's so much more i want to talk about, and lord knows i've got WAAAY too much energy (does it register in this post??), i'm gonna stop here and leave you with some pics of my day. don't give up, there's alot of them so i'll try to break them up over 2 or three days.

i will for sure post tomorrow because i had a most Godly and divine experience today with another chemo patient...and i'm still processing it because it was so profound and meaningful and just a compete and utter blessing. i'm still so full from it (and yes, it all happened BEFORE i got loaded, just who do you think i am?)

up and around - as always!

not a good shot of my tricked out ride. it's still not cute!

 not happy, no joy

happiness and joy

again, it was a busy day and there are more pics to come from it, so come back tomorrow ~ it will be worth it. have a good night, well a good morning - it's 2:33 am as i sign off.
be well my friends :)

playing catch up....again

**** THIS POST WAS DONE EARLY MONDAY MORNING ****
well here i am playing catch up again. yeah, yeah, i know ~ it's been a looong while now. sorry. have had alot on my plate, and not. there were day's that i was desperate to blog. especially when there was some little milestone of ladybugs to share, or was needing to vent about something hubby or mommy dearest had done.

but i always come back to the issue i have with how much of me i'm comfortable with sharing. for someone who's happy to share, who shares so much with everyone else, i'm finding it hard to understand why it feels so awkward for me to share here. hmmm....

anyway, it has been an interesting few weeks for sure! the school year is in full swing for my ladybug, and third grade is proving to be a wonderful adventure for her (as well as hubby and i!). she's had her first book report due and it was so much fun! along with the report, she had to do a diorama of her favorite scene in the book. that meant she got to go crazy with all my craft stuff. she was in heaven, and the project was a success.

there's also been a fair share of mama drama as well. i don't think i've ever talked about my mommy (yes, i call her mommy still) and our relationship here in the blog, other than dropping hints like when i call her 'mommy dearest'. yes, it's a very difficult, stressful, and above all else, toxic relationship - one that i really don't like to talk about. not because it's painful, but just that, well.... now after the long pause for a few rounds of computer solitaire in (my name is angela, and i am a computer solitaire addict) i just took to re-evaluate what i was about to say, i realize that yes, it really is painful. there's alot there, and even more so because of what's happened recently, i'll get more into the situation very soon. again, it's just too difficult, and too long for me to share in this post. after all, i'm playing catch up!

so, my life coaching practice is usually pretty steady, but it's going ganbusters right now, which is great! i love what i do oh so very much. it blesses me in such a way that, honestly, i feel, helps keep me going. my clients honor me with their trust and confidence, and i can't tell you how much it humbles me. how i appreciate and hold sacred the relationships i've developed. but i still have tons of work to do! i've got to get my website up and running and i've given myself a deadline of the end of the year. no, i don't need that much time to get a website up, but, well....

well, i've got to start chemotherapy again. yep. here we go again. i was suppose to start last thursday, but got a last minute reprieve. two of my doc's were out of town and weren't going to be back in time. so they pushed it to tomorrow, well today, monday. they both want to be in town due to the fact that i often have a mild reaction to one of the chemo drugs i get.
did i pitch a fit as usual when i got the news that i had to start up again? nope. that's right. i was calm, cool and collected. no pouting, no negotiating, well yes, there was some negotiating (c'mon on, it's me!!). i did pretty good when they told me. and i just can't explain my reaction really. i don't know. it's like i'm in this fog. like "whatever".

bummed? yep. i'm about a week shy of 17 months since my last round of chemo. i was told i'd never make it past 20 months. then that i'd never be able to go more than 3 months without need regular chemo. so going back feels like stepping back. you know that saying.... 3 steps forward, 2 steps back... not sure if i should even be posting about it now because i'm feeling really crappy about having to do this. the timing sucks too. i'm in the middle of creating a few new workshops, there's some new business ideas, contracts, and new business i want to go after. i don't want to be sick over the holidays. and ladybugs birthday is at the end of november. ok, now i'm angry. and ready to fight.

well, it's 2:28 am now so i'd better get in the bed. enjoy these pics.

be well :p

GO LADYBUG, GOOOH !!!!!!!

so this time last week we were packing up and heading to reno, nv for the junior olympic trials. ladybug had a great track season, made it to the sub bantam championships, and did surprisingly well at the junior olympic trials - she actually made it to the JUNIOR OLYMPICS in des moine, iowa!!! we are still in shock!! she placed in the 100 meter and 200 meter!! this post is nothing but pics of the reno meet.... enjoy!




she ran saturday, then she qualified for the finals which were sunday. we didn't think she'd qualify because the competition was so seasoned, so we had planned to hand out and play at the resort. poor thing, we had to get her back to the hotel and in the bed, but she and her buddy was not having that! we were staying at the this fabulous resort that had EVERYTHING - a beach, arcades, shopping, go-carts, golf, bungie/sky diving, and sooo much more! so we let them get some swimming in along with some arcade time too!
















overall, we had a blast! it was a a neat get way and we are so proud! she placed 2nd and 5 overall, getting a gold and and bronze medales. i had juan take a pic with those medals because he deserves them just as much as ladybug does. he's a great track dad! boy are we proud of our girl-go ladybug, GO!!

be well :)

at the lords table

yes, i know its been a looooong time since i've posted. and i'm working on, out some things regarding the relationshop i have with my blog, so bare with me.

however, in the meantime, i'm here to post about my ladybug. yes, i have a relationship with God. i'm not big on specific, organized religion. i'm a 'recovering catholic' and attend mass about once a month. i do also attend non catholic church as well. i'm more spiritual than religious - take that how you will. for me, it's all about getting your spirit, your soul fed. it's also my responsibility to feed my child's soul, spirit and i do that in many different ways on a daily basis. one of which is teaching her the principles and catechisms of catholicism. yes, i'm 'recovering', however, i do love the solemnity, reverence for God, discipline, and accountability that it teaches.

so with that said, my child recieved her first holy communion yesterday, and it was a beautiful, joy filled, blessed day of love and fellowship.

we decided to have a small get together after the mass ceremony and i decided to keep it small. i only invited immediate family and ladybugs favorite people (except some of her classmates as they were having celebrations of their own). aunie 'D-money', auntie shannon, ms. glo, mr. P, ms. sunshine, all there to support her - the people missing were her auntie 'cc', uncle/goddaddy fred, uncle charles, and ms. babz. how blessed and fortunate am i that my own child loves the same people i do! the very ones that i consider my sisters and brothers - truly!

everyone was worried that i would over do it...whatever.... and spent most of their energy chasing after me. well, i did take it easy-i went to wholefoods, trader, and costco and got a few prepared meals. but you know me, i can never pass up an opportunity to cook. so, i just made a pasta salad of multi colored rotini noodles, baked chicken breast, mulit colored bell pepers, red onion, sliced grape tomatoes, parsley all dressed with my famous/secret creamy garlic-mustard viniagrette. YUM!! i also filled the house with flowers, another opportunity taken advantage of.

anwyway, it was a wonderful day and i am so thankful to know how much my child is loved.

be well :)

ps... i'll add more pics later. ciao!