Tuesday, July 9, 2013

i CAN handle it

hey y'all,

i've been doing it again. hiding from my blog. i don't mean to, really. i'll be driving or walking or gardening or reading or praying or whatever, then have a thought that i say to myself "ooh, i'm gonna blog about that". so i'll sit to write, start a few words, then begin to feel guilty and overwhelmed with all that i could have blogged about. all that i should have blogged about. all that i didn't blog about. 

and i just stop. 

yep, chicken out. 

it's not like each thought i felt blogworthy was an exercise in laying my soul bare, peeling back yet another layer to expose consciousness and awareness. naahh... although there have been a few incidents and revelations where my first thought afterwards was of this place, my beloved blog (however i do have a journal too). but honestly, not most of the time. most of the time, it's revelations, insights, and observations on things ocurring in my mildly intriguing version of everyday.  

and it all matters to me. it all matters, no matter how mundane, because this is the forum i chose, need really, to pour it all out. mainly because i needed something more 'real' than my journals. it was anonymous but not. and at the time, i needed that kind of, that. 

so back to the dance of being back. again. but why 'again'? the real question is why do i leave, or get overwhelmed, or chicken out, in the first place? 

i see now that i'm struggling, still, with my new reality - who and what i am 'sick'? and how does that relates to everything in my life now? you see, i see now that my health truly does affect everything, it touches everything in my live. it's also stripped the blinders off in ways that have been wholly unexpected. i see things now, and people, much clearer. at times too clear. and this, along with hindsight, has allowed me to see that i've been dealing with such massive and ridiculous bullshit, laughable really. most of the time i don't think some of the people around me - a select few, some close to me - even realize that i see them now for who and what they are, in a way that would convict with just one glance. but only if they realized...
and at times it's scary. at times i feel like i'm not woman enough, grown up enough, wise enough to handle it. To decipher and understand it. and this blog, blogging, represents my attempts to figuring it all out. 

so, yeah... i get overwhelmed at times, with all that's going on, all that's been, the 'aha' moments. but i will always come back. because this is a journey. my journey to be me, authentically me and all that that means. yes, i can handle it.

thanks for always being here.

be well ♥