Tuesday, July 9, 2013

i CAN handle it


hey y'all,

i've been doing it again. hiding from my blog. i don't mean to, really. i'll be driving or walking or gardening or reading or praying or whatever, then have a thought that i say to myself "ooh, i'm gonna blog about that". so i'll sit to write, start a few words, then begin to feel guilty and overwhelmed with all that i could have blogged about. all that i should have blogged about. all that i didn't blog about. 

and i just stop. 

yep, chicken out. 

it's not like each thought i felt blogworthy was an exercise in laying my soul bare, peeling back yet another layer to expose consciousness and awareness. naahh... although there have been a few incidents and revelations where my first thought afterwards was of this place, my beloved blog (however i do have a journal too). but honestly, not most of the time. most of the time, it's revelations, insights, and observations on things ocurring in my mildly intriguing version of everyday.  

and it all matters to me. it all matters, no matter how mundane, because this is the forum i chose, need really, to pour it all out. mainly because i needed something more 'real' than my journals. it was anonymous but not. and at the time, i needed that kind of, that. 

so back to the dance of being back. again. but why 'again'? the real question is why do i leave, or get overwhelmed, or chicken out, in the first place? 

i see now that i'm struggling, still, with my new reality - who and what i am 'sick'? and how does that relates to everything in my life now? you see, i see now that my health truly does affect everything, it touches everything in my live. it's also stripped the blinders off in ways that have been wholly unexpected. i see things now, and people, much clearer. at times too clear. and this, along with hindsight, has allowed me to see that i've been dealing with such massive and ridiculous bullshit, laughable really. most of the time i don't think some of the people around me - a select few, some close to me - even realize that i see them now for who and what they are, in a way that would convict with just one glance. but only if they realized...
 
and at times it's scary. at times i feel like i'm not woman enough, grown up enough, wise enough to handle it. To decipher and understand it. and this blog, blogging, represents my attempts to figuring it all out. 

so, yeah... i get overwhelmed at times, with all that's going on, all that's been, the 'aha' moments. but i will always come back. because this is a journey. my journey to be me, authentically me and all that that means. yes, i can handle it.

thanks for always being here.

be well ♥



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

yes you can handle it and i'm so glad you can. you have an amazing story ptb, and i'm so glad you're sharing your journey with us all.

and please don't stay gone for long. i find myself checking back weekely to see if there's new posts.

janice.mellorya

Princess Tinybutt said...

thanks so much ms. janice! i won't stay gone for long anymore. i'll post at least once each month. i just get overwhelmed sometimes with how much i would like to talk about. and there in lies the reason why i should blog much more often, lol! thanks again, be well :)

Tiffany Fleming-Lynn said...

Hello Princess Angela... Wow and yes You can handle it. You are such a great and strong woman. Its funny because even though I cant see and read myself clearly. I can often see the people Im close to and even strangers in faith and in spirit so very clear even hear there thoughts clear as if they are speaking. I nevrr share except with those people either they get me get it or they dont. I share which is why i dont mind if they dont get me. God uses us and others for lessons or Blessings. And you are a Blessing to many myself included. P.S. I totally get in a million things to blog about typing in my truth takes courage and im overwhelmed.

angela said...

i'm just seeing this! oh thank you so much for your comments, they've blessed me. please don't be a stranger and i hope your're well.