Wednesday, October 9, 2013

decisions, decisions...

I’ve been struggling with my hair for a while now, since December really – my last round of chemo. I guess it’s finally caved to all the chemo and medications. I don’t blame it really, it’s put up a great fight over these many years that I’ve been dealing with one health crisis after another, on top of the chemical texturizer every 3-4 months. Hurray hair, what a trooper!!

Yes, I’ve been spoiled by having great hair for decades. It’s always behaved, I’ve never had to wrap it or ‘train’ it, and it always managed to look like I’ve just stepped out of a salon, most of the time. Even during my darkest chemo days. Most people couldn’t even tell how much had actually come out or just how it has thinned. But now it doesn’t know what it wants to do and I don’t know what to do with it and I’m frustrated. So I’m at a point where I just want to chop it all off. For my hairs sake, but also because I am in a place right now where I am in need of change. Desperate for change. So, no, it’s not just about my hair. 

I’ve been seriously considering going ‘natural’. No, I don’t have a relaxer, what has now come to be called creamy crack, but I do have a texturizer and have had one for many, many years now – even through chemo. It has allowed me to be semi-natural - not that that was my intent, but because I didn’t have to see the inside of a salon for at least 3-4 months at a time. This kept me from being slave to the salon – something I absolutely abhor for my own personal reasons (like being there ALL day, then half the time having to go home to ‘fix’ the expensive style). But I’m thinking, with all the chemicals I’ve been dealing with, have to deal with because of my health, that I really should consider giving my hair a true break.
In my research and exploration about natural hair, it’s care, and the whole process of going natural, and was surprised to see that this issue is pretty political and contentious – which I don’t understand. It’s a very personal choice, so with that said, that’s all I’ll say. 

I’ve always wanted to be a girly girl – into make-up, clothes, fashion, and hair – and I’m beginning to bloom into that chick in so many ways. But I’m realizing that when it comes to hair, I’m just not that kind of chick. Since getting my hair cut for the second time (almost 6 inches total cut off since May!) a few weeks ago, I’ve been playing around with my hair, trying to get a feel for what it can do, what my abilities and inclinations are. And I see that I am not the one. It’s just more work than I want to do. PERIOD. I could blame my health – thanks to some of my diseases I have muscle deterioration and blood clotting issues, so always having my arms above my head is just not something I can do. But really, I just don’t want to spend SO MUCH TIME dealing with my hair, only for it to come out in a way that requires even more time fixing. Remember, I HATE the salon, but at least someone else is doing my hair! 

So I’m in this weird place of trying to ride out the whole ‘growing out my texturizer so I can actually be natural’ process and finding a few hair styles that will get me there, or chop it all the hell off and be done, or keep the occasional texturizer but still chop it the hell off (in a little pixie style maybe??). 

I really don’t know what to do.  Help.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

We Got A Love Thang...

Today is my wedding anniversary and I’m going to let you in on some of my random thoughts and feelings about him, about us, and just some of how he is…

Wedding on the beach at sunset in Ocho Rios

Gosh I am in love with my husband. I love him. I truly do. And it has nothing to do with familiarity due to time. He’s the strong silent type - physically, emotionally, and character. That’s so sexy to me. And I know he loves me, adores me without question. All of me. COMPLETELY. I don't have to hide. He kisses my boo-boos. He believes… no, he knows I can do anything. He thinks I’m pretty. I think he is FOINE. We flirt with each other…. A LOT. I am his queen and he is my king. He is my biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. My personal bodyguard and protector. I don’t ever have to worry. He knows that I trust him to lead our family because he knows I have his back in the most fiercest of ways. We trust each other with our lives.

Musee D'Orsay Paris 2008
I love it when he sees me struggling to make it up the stairs. He comes behind me and whisks me up in his arms, quietly, gently. Yes, he’s sexy to me, still after 22 years. And I am to him. Don’t get me started about the lovemaking…. Yeah, still. Even after 22 years. “Dayum!”‘Nuff said.
I love the way he looks at me when he thinks I don’t see him. I love how hard he works for us. Though not the best communicator, he’s tender and loving. He loves our daughter in the way a dad should - active, engaged, and concerned. He combs her hair almost better than I can, and I love the way he looks at and watches her. He loves to laugh, sometimes too much, and always looks for the bright side no matter how pitch black it actually is. I love that he tempers me like chocolate and helps me get and stay balanced, sometimes with just a glance my way. A patient student, he allows me my mistakes while I figure out how to show him how to love me. He really does listen, even though he ignores most of what I say. He does not suffers fools, believes in femininity yet loves a strong woman. Has no problem donning an apron or hand washing my bras.

In first class on an Air France flight 2011

I love it when he works in the yard, or on the cars. I love his arms. His shoulders. His legs. I love cuttin his hair with clippers or shaving him with a straight razor and cream. I love his 3 o'clock shadow. I love when he gets in someone’s ass for being disrespectful. That bass in his voice.... yes.

We’ve been through it these last several years with my health. I mean things that would rip most marriages apart, but yet we are only stronger; we love and appreciate each other more and more. He can be amazing. 

Again, he is not perfect. I am not perfect. However, we are truly perfect together (most of the time, lol!!).  

Happy Anniversary to US!