decisions, decisions...

I’ve been struggling with my hair for a while now, since December really – my last round of chemo. I guess it’s finally caved to all the chemo and medications. I don’t blame it really, it’s put up a great fight over these many years that I’ve been dealing with one health crisis after another, on top of the chemical texturizer every 3-4 months. Hurray hair, what a trooper!!

Yes, I’ve been spoiled by having great hair for decades. It’s always behaved, I’ve never had to wrap it or ‘train’ it, and it always managed to look like I’ve just stepped out of a salon, most of the time. Even during my darkest chemo days. Most people couldn’t even tell how much had actually come out or just how it has thinned. But now it doesn’t know what it wants to do and I don’t know what to do with it and I’m frustrated. So I’m at a point where I just want to chop it all off. For my hairs sake, but also because I am in a place right now where I am in need of change. Desperate for change. So, no, it’s not just about my hair. 

I’ve been seriously considering going ‘natural’. No, I don’t have a relaxer, what has now come to be called creamy crack, but I do have a texturizer and have had one for many, many years now – even through chemo. It has allowed me to be semi-natural - not that that was my intent, but because I didn’t have to see the inside of a salon for at least 3-4 months at a time. This kept me from being slave to the salon – something I absolutely abhor for my own personal reasons (like being there ALL day, then half the time having to go home to ‘fix’ the expensive style). But I’m thinking, with all the chemicals I’ve been dealing with, have to deal with because of my health, that I really should consider giving my hair a true break.

In my research and exploration about natural hair, it’s care, and the whole process of going natural, and was surprised to see that this issue is pretty political and contentious – which I don’t understand. It’s a very personal choice, so with that said, that’s all I’ll say. 

I’ve always wanted to be a girly girl – into make-up, clothes, fashion, and hair – and I’m beginning to bloom into that chick in so many ways. But I’m realizing that when it comes to hair, I’m just not that kind of chick. Since getting my hair cut for the second time (almost 6 inches total cut off since May!) a few weeks ago, I’ve been playing around with my hair, trying to get a feel for what it can do, what my abilities and inclinations are. And I see that I am not the one. It’s just more work than I want to do. PERIOD. I could blame my health – thanks to some of my diseases I have muscle deterioration and blood clotting issues, so always having my arms above my head is just not something I can do. But really, I just don’t want to spend SO MUCH TIME dealing with my hair, only for it to come out in a way that requires even more time fixing. Remember, I HATE the salon, but at least someone else is doing my hair! 

So I’m in this weird place of trying to ride out the whole ‘growing out my texturizer so I can actually be natural’ process and finding a few hair styles that will get me there, or chop it all the hell off and be done, or keep the occasional texturizer but still chop it the hell off (in a little pixie style maybe??). 

I really don’t know what to do.  Help.