Saturday, July 7, 2007

last few days

no much to report. we went to a 4th of july party at dh's friends house. we go there for get togethers they throw, and it's always interesting going there because the wife is interesting. not in an interesting way though. our hubby's are good friends and they, along with her, are all from the same state. actually, she and my hubby are from the same town. we all met here in the bay area through a mutual friend back in georgia.

well, anyway, she has made how she feels about me quite clear from day one, which is that she thinks i'm 'shee shee pooh pooh, upity, with the pinky in the air, you know what i mean? well, we were over a while ago, maybe over a year ago, for one of their gatherings, and she decided to gang up on me and tried to pick me, and how and where i was raised and went to school, apart. i still can't believe she 'went there'.

she has a small group of friends, and mother figure, ms. b, whom i really like. well, they, and her hubby had to calm her down. what did i do? not much, honestly. i've never been one to "play the dozens", and it had gotten to a point where she looked so rediculous that i didn't have to say anything. i believe in letting people like that dig the hole themselves, which she did.

i on't believe anyone is better than anyone else, no matter what. we all have our 'issues'. and her issues are that she is self conscious and insecure, and for some reason, especially around me, which is why, i've now figured out, why behaves that way towards me. she has since calmed down a great deal, i guess someone said something to her, maybe her hubby or ms. b. i don't know. but she is still uncomfortable and i can feel it.

i've come across my share of people like that, and at first i would allow myself to get flustered and upset by them - fall victim to them. unitl i realized what was really going on. you see, people tell you who they are, it's up to us to hear them, and listen. i know who and what i am, and am sre and confident in that. period. now, i have my moments, lord knows! there are so many forces out there that make you question yourself. it's very hard.

so anyway, the function wound down, with nothing to report other than her usual and rediculous attempts at a smart under the radar comment here and there. she really thinks she's funny. i also don't like going over there because they can't cook!

be well :)

Monday, July 2, 2007

ladybug's home!

i am just crazy about my daughter. all i want to do is hug her, kiss her, look at her, touch her, hold her, listen to her breathe, sing, talk (well, most of the time, after all she is 5!). oh and her laugh. it's just heaven. dh and i do things to her just so we can hear her laugh.

so she has a break from her gymnastic camp because of the holiday being in the middle of the week i guess. i'm not too pleased with this camp. she loves the gymnastics part, which i knew she would. it's perfect for her. she gets to run, climb, jump, flip and tumble. plus i was an elite gymnast and coached for a while too. but as soon as you walk into this place it just doesn't feel fun. there's a range of ages, they're not grouped based on their age, which i really don't like. she's one of the 'only ones' of her age and background. i'm trying really hard not to put her in situations where she'll feel isolated and alone. she's already in a school where there's only a handful of kids like her, and they're not in her class. she's the only one in her class, and there are no teachers that look like her. she came home one day and told me that one of the girls in her class said her the color is is a bad one. so lb decided that she doesnt want to be the color that she is now with such sadness and confusion. heartbreakng. what do i do?

there's this short film called "a girl like me" done by a young girl named kiri davis about skin color and it's effects on very young children. she based it on dr. kenneth clark's ground breaking study back in the 50's. wow! check it out or google it if you get a chance. it really makes you think...hard. i did my masters thesis on this material and my title was "what is pretty is good", ut i flipped the scrpt and used color instead of actual supposed physcial attractiveness. i don't want to make a big deal about it, you know, overemphasize the color thing. but, i grew up in a situation where i was the only one in school and in my extra curricular things (like lacrosse, cheerleading, horseback riding, swimming). luckily i had/have family that did those things too while growing up. but i couldn't be with them all the time. i'm just trying to keep my own baggage out of it. but it's hard.

enough of that. i'm just so happy that to have her for the next few days. eventhough she's 5 and can be a handful. not in a typical 5 year old kind of way, but yet yes, in that way. she's so easy that everyone always wants to babysit her. i hope she can tell how much i appreciate her. i worry too. because of my crazy self centred narcissistic mother (see "mommy dearest"post) and her effect on me, i worry taht i go too far the other way with ladybug. that i'm being too soft with her and make it too easy for her. i worry if i'm making life fun and interesting for her with little baggage of her own. especially since i'm sick.

this morning she came to our room wanting to get in the bed at about 2am. i or dh usually walker her back if it's too early (like before 4:30am), but i let her in the bed anyway because i wanted to snuggle with her. she has this way of wrapping herself around me that i just love. i swear if she could get back inside my stomach she would. she stokes and caresses me like she's the adult there to comfort me! funny and cute.

so i let her wrap her growing like a weed legs around me and i kissed her forhead, and then i happily nodded off to sleep sandwiched between the two loves of my life.

be well :)