Monday, July 2, 2007

ladybug's home!

i am just crazy about my daughter. all i want to do is hug her, kiss her, look at her, touch her, hold her, listen to her breathe, sing, talk (well, most of the time, after all she is 5!). oh and her laugh. it's just heaven. dh and i do things to her just so we can hear her laugh.

so she has a break from her gymnastic camp because of the holiday being in the middle of the week i guess. i'm not too pleased with this camp. she loves the gymnastics part, which i knew she would. it's perfect for her. she gets to run, climb, jump, flip and tumble. plus i was an elite gymnast and coached for a while too. but as soon as you walk into this place it just doesn't feel fun. there's a range of ages, they're not grouped based on their age, which i really don't like. she's one of the 'only ones' of her age and background. i'm trying really hard not to put her in situations where she'll feel isolated and alone. she's already in a school where there's only a handful of kids like her, and they're not in her class. she's the only one in her class, and there are no teachers that look like her. she came home one day and told me that one of the girls in her class said her the color is is a bad one. so lb decided that she doesnt want to be the color that she is now with such sadness and confusion. heartbreakng. what do i do?

there's this short film called "a girl like me" done by a young girl named kiri davis about skin color and it's effects on very young children. she based it on dr. kenneth clark's ground breaking study back in the 50's. wow! check it out or google it if you get a chance. it really makes you think...hard. i did my masters thesis on this material and my title was "what is pretty is good", ut i flipped the scrpt and used color instead of actual supposed physcial attractiveness. i don't want to make a big deal about it, you know, overemphasize the color thing. but, i grew up in a situation where i was the only one in school and in my extra curricular things (like lacrosse, cheerleading, horseback riding, swimming). luckily i had/have family that did those things too while growing up. but i couldn't be with them all the time. i'm just trying to keep my own baggage out of it. but it's hard.

enough of that. i'm just so happy that to have her for the next few days. eventhough she's 5 and can be a handful. not in a typical 5 year old kind of way, but yet yes, in that way. she's so easy that everyone always wants to babysit her. i hope she can tell how much i appreciate her. i worry too. because of my crazy self centred narcissistic mother (see "mommy dearest"post) and her effect on me, i worry taht i go too far the other way with ladybug. that i'm being too soft with her and make it too easy for her. i worry if i'm making life fun and interesting for her with little baggage of her own. especially since i'm sick.

this morning she came to our room wanting to get in the bed at about 2am. i or dh usually walker her back if it's too early (like before 4:30am), but i let her in the bed anyway because i wanted to snuggle with her. she has this way of wrapping herself around me that i just love. i swear if she could get back inside my stomach she would. she stokes and caresses me like she's the adult there to comfort me! funny and cute.

so i let her wrap her growing like a weed legs around me and i kissed her forhead, and then i happily nodded off to sleep sandwiched between the two loves of my life.

be well :)

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