Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i have my issues. my struggles. my regrets. my anger. my disappointments. my confusion. however, i have my life. a great life. and i am happy. i am blessed. beyond what i could ever be able to explain to you.
i hope for you to be as happy and as blessed as i am, and have been. that is my own birthday wish for you.
it's hard to realize how blessed you are when you are in the thick of things. and that's alright. but try to know it. be still sometimes, and just know it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
be well :)
Sunday, December 23, 2007
i love her. we speak the same language. we talk about EVERYTHING. no really. everything. things that would make some of the most brash, self assured, well adjusted and comfortable people blush. everyone should have a friend that you can share everything with. literally. it's so liberating, at least for me it is.
be well :)
Monday, December 17, 2007
i've had a busy last two weeks though too. lot's of my regular once or twice monthly doctor's appointments - i have a pulmonologist, cardiologist, oncologist, rheumatologist, neurologist. and my regular tests - labs, pulmonary function tests, ekg, eeg, mri's, brain scans - all monthly. plus all my alternative medical treatments - accupuncture, accupressure, massage. and i've been doing some work from home for my father's office, and the stress that goes along with that as well.
all of that contributes to how i'm feeling. you see, because of my diseases, and how they are attacking my immune system, i have the pleasure/curse of being affected almost immediately and directly by stress, both good and bad. or like when i do too much, which to many is not much at all.... running the vaccum, sweeping, making the bed, giving ladybug a bath, cooking. i get so tired so easily, quickly.
so what happens? well, when i'm tired or i've done too much i tremor (shake), it's harder for me to walk, my speech get's worse and it's even harder for me to process and comprehend basic things.
and then there are the seizures. yes, i'm still having them. partly my fault in that i refuse to take the full dose of my siezure meds because of the serious life altering side affects. too life altering and in the worst way. i have a newly minted 6 year old. i am still working a little bit. i can not be layed out partially unconscious for 22 hours of the day just so i won't have a seizure. well, it takes about an hour for me to shake off after i have one, and i am beyond exhausted and sleepy, and all that happens like i said before when i get tired, along with losing function on the right side of my body, and my speech gets uninterpretable - it's very much like a stroke. i have them about 2-3 times a week, which is an improvement, majorly! more if i've been doing too much or am stressed. even good stress, like watching a really great "is the guy gonna get the girl in time" movie. yeah, that sucks.
basic things can trigger an episode, flare, which is what we call it. and i never know what it will be. it's so not predictable. i could do a little light housekeeping monday, then do the exact same thing thursday under the same conditions, and i'll get so sick-pain, tremors, pain, seizures, pain. there's just no knowing. and it drives juan crazy... with worry and fear. all he wants me to do is stay at home, lay in the bed, or on the sofa, and "rest". he takes the wheelchair everywhere we go and makes me use it most of the time.
well, i know i've gone off on a ramble. not a rant. no real drama or incident. just rambling.
i baked all day yesterday, trimmed the christmas tree, took pictures, and finished up D's bday card. later last night, i was in pain. the kind of pain where i really was seeing stars. that's my dreaded bone pain. i had to take extra morphine, and even that only took the edge off. but it calmed the pains rage. i was on my feet too long, moving too much, thinking too much. my body can't take all that ...... just yet.
got no sleep, was in pain all night. more intense than usual. i am so tired. i stay tired. ladybug got in the bed with us about 4:3o am coughing - she came home the other day with a fever. juan gave her some honey and it eased her cough. she settled down and i was wide awake. so i listened to the music, the sweet music of my two beloveds breathing while they slept. i was happy. i am happy.
when i woke up this morning, i could not walk. jaun had to take me to the bathroom, help me brush my teeth and wash my face, and laid me back in the bed to get my atrophied muscles "warmed up". ladybug came in to help while juan went donwstairs to cook his wonderful sunday morning pancake breakfast. i watch ladybug quietly, listening to her talk about santa, and the tree, and all the lights. the rythm and music of her voice i love so much. i'm in heaven. and i am so happy. i feel much, much better now.
be well :)
Monday, December 10, 2007
it's a whole community of wonderful artsy crafty people who inspire, helpo, and motivate each other. a place where one can indulge their entire and complete scrapbooking, cardmaking fantasties, no matter how dark and twisted they may be.
i've got it bad. i stay logged on all day. i browse the other members gallery's, which is where they post all their work; i read their scrap related blogs; i look at scrapping products; i check out and post on the many many forums. that's why i haven't posted here all week, and why i only just started my holiday baking TODAY. i'm so behind! i'm addicted.
"hi, my name is angela, and i am a http://www.scrapbook.com/ (sb.com) addict".
there. done. now i can go back to browsing sb.com until i can't keep my eyes open anymore and my fingers hurt.
be well :)
Saturday, December 8, 2007
it's christmas/holiday time!!! it's in the air! i love everything about it! (well, except the shopping. yeah, yeah, i know!). the decorations, the tree's and the way they smell, the baking, the music, the food. the fact that everyone gets nice, friendly, and thoughtful, at least during this time of the year. i really can't explain how it makes me feel.
it's also my birthday. december 25th. it's the day i was born. and i LOVE that too!
yet it never fails that when someone realizes that it's my birthday, they always say "ahh too bad" or "that sucks" or "don't you get jiped?" why is that?
no. i don't get jiped. it's not too bad. it doesn't suck. it's just that i've never, ever had a birthday party. yep. that's right. oh, i've had 2 get togethers when i was young. the first was when i was about 4 or 5 at the local round table pizza at rockridge shopping center. the other was at our house when we lived up off the top of high street, not from up from st. lawrence o'toole. i was 11. they were after thought's really. not planned. it was the holidays and everyone was already together, so..... well, you know. oh i had a cake and all, but it really wasn't about me. for me. because of me.
so, next year, i'm going to throw myself my very own birthday party. it'll be my 13th, my sweet 16th, my 18th, my 21st, my 30th, and my 40th birthday parties all in one. theese are all the milestone birthdays that i've always thought were important to celebrate. so i am. next year.
so back to the whole christmas spirit i've got going. i can't wait to get the tree, pull out all the decorations from the garage, go to micheals and get new decorations, make cookies for santa with ladybug, take pictures, cook, give gifts. see lauren's face when she realizes santa did come, and open all her gifts.
yeah, i'm in the spirit. i've got it. and i've got it bad. no, good. and i'm happy because it feels so good. i hope you get it too.
be well :)
Friday, December 7, 2007
so i'll be working on my blog, changing things and what not, to make it fit for a princess!
please let me know what you think, like, don't like, as i update and make changes.
be well :)
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
ok ladies, you are still doing too damn much!! why? you do know that you are killing yourselves, right ladies?! really. so you have an excuse now - i know it's the holiday's and all that that means - cooking, shopping, holiday parties, holiday baking, church functions, work functions, kids and school functions...... no. the holidays are not an excuse. so where's the time for yourself? yeah, right. "but it's the holiday's and i'll slow down and take care of me when it's over." or "that will be one of my new year's resolutions". umhm. ok.
ladies, we are loving everyone else to death. we are caring for everyone else to death. we are giving to everyone else to death. we are nurturing everyone else to death. you must stop it. and i know that it's easier said than done. we've all been programmed/trained to be this way. we are women, and it's supposed to be "what we do". that's fine, but it doesn't have to completely consume us.
again, i'm not as good with words as i use to be, but, please hear me.
you see, it's all about feeling obligatated. and all the guilt that goes along with it. stop and think for a moment where it comes from. yeah, it's deep, and i won't go there right now, i've got enough on my plate with this post.
so like i was saying... obligation and guilt. for how manh of you, how much does obligation and guilt drive so much of what you do? think about it. how many of you are passing that on to your daughters?
how many of you are taking time, making time for yourself? just like you would find the time to squeeze in some inane task that you really don't have to do, but feel you have to. you somehow find a way. right? well, are YOU just as important, or more, as that inane "to do"? YES!!
so look, like i said in the previous post in october. you can not continue to treat yourself the way you are. you can not. take care of yourself. make the time.
there's so much more i want to say on this topic. that i have to say. but i'm just soo tired, too tired, and not feeling well right now. so, as much as i want to keep typing. i'm off. off to take care of myself, so i can be there, in the ways that matter, for everyone else....
be well :)
Monday, December 3, 2007
i guess i'm just frustrated and tired with my health situation. everyone is still saying the same 'ole thing. i feel as though they aren't really hearing me. don't get me wrong, i've got the "best" doctors in their respective specialties.
but what's got my panties in a knott right now is that i went to one of my doctor appointments, and she charges up front for service - doesn't take insurance - and all she did was call my neuro, who just to switch me to different siezure drug, "let's see what that will do for you, huh?" big woop. "that'll be $75 please". WHUH?!?! i was there all of 8 minutes, and that was after sitting in the waiting area 25 minutes for my 10am appointment.
UUUHHHHGGGG!!!!!!!no resolution, no answers. just more of "well, lets try this". ok, ok. i get it. really i do. i get that i've got this rare funky thing going on (i still don't want to say that 'word'), and that doctors are trained to just treat the symptoms. but DAMN.
i'm just so frustrated, and even more so, tired of this not so merry medical go 'round, and around. but hey, this is today. tomorrow is tomorrow. *insert big smile*
be well :)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
be well :)
Sunday, November 25, 2007
i love my life. and especially the peope in it, as well as those passing through. i've always had a knack for never meeting a stranger, and (fortunately, they've never been crazy, lol!) lately there's been some really neat ladies droping in my life right now, and one of them, like cc and a few other's, shares my new love of scrapbooking and papercrafting. they seem so interesting, you know everyone has a story, and i so look forward to getting to know them better!
on thanksgiving eve, i spent the afternoon/evening with my bestest sister friend d doing one of my most favorite things - cooking. we prepped everything she needed for her turkey day feast while we laughed, gossiped, preached, and amen'd the whole time. it was just so wonderful! it always is with her. she knows me. really know's me. and calls me on my 'stuff' (what little i have, lol!) is such a way that is tender and comforting, yet firm, honest, and real. we talk about everything, and i mean everything. *yep,start blushing*
then there's shan who's, to me, like a little sister and has always been there for me in so many ways since i've been sick. she's selfless and considerate and always so thoughtful. she's taught me so much really. how to be humble, that there's blessings in recieving. ll cool k and bow and cc are very much the same way too. it's so humbling to me. with as much self esteem and self assuredness as i have and as nice as i think i am, i still stop and wonder how i got so lucky.
juan says i'm just getting back all that i have given, and still give. well, i can't imagine that i've been this good in this life.
thank you all for being my friends :)
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
just before i started this post, in my comfy and quiet living room, i closed my eyes. stilled myself. then i just listened to myself breathe. breathe. in and out. i'm alive. it's great.
since i've been sick, i've become more focused on living and the things/people/experiences in my life i have to be so very thankful, grateful, for.
so on this great american holiday, i am thankful. and i will give thanks. for so very, very much.
be well :)
Monday, November 19, 2007
be well :)
Monday, November 12, 2007
so who, might you ask? mom, pops, and juan. yep. them. mom, she's the obvious choice of course because her shit is a bit more sinister(see previous posts). but pop and juan aren't openly sinister, however they do know that they're buggin the hell out of me! they do things like dump they're stuff on me to fix or clean up or just plain take care of. and everything is a damn emergency! help, help, save me, save me, fix it, fix it!!
but it's not all their fault. you see, i've always been the one to fix or take care of everything for everyone. and be the peacemaker in the family. i gladly did it. because i was trained to since i was a little girl. the socicalization of a woman, i guess that's what you'd call it. i call it programming me to be a caretaker. a nurturer. teaching me how to put off my feelings, opinions, emotions for the greater good. it really was more important to care more about the other person and their needs, interests, etc. (it also didn't help to have a mom like mine! children were seen, not heard, not important). and over the years i had gotten pretty good at it. i even developed a phenomenal memory fairly young. to the point where everyone else depended on it too. people around me didn't have to think or remember because i'd do it for them (oh the irony! see previous 'health rant' posts). i became pretty damn good at figuring things out too, talking to people, just a plain smart cookie as everyone says - thank you God for that/this blessing. but yet a curse as well. most of my life has been about being pulled here, there -"angela knows... she'll handle it... ang will remember... she's the smart one... but you know how to say things.. how to talk to people, can you go talk to them for me." this shit can wear on a person. and it did. it's made me sick.
now i'm not saying my family's to blame for my health. i had allowed it, and even for a while after my diagnosis. but that was before some serious prayer and introspecion helped me realize that I had to stop all the madness. yes, everyone was selfishly pulling on me, but i had allowed it.
you teach people how to treat you.
i know i'm rambling, but bear with me, ok?.... so fast forward to last night:
pops called me on full blast, not mad at me, but hollering about some reports and spreadsheets at the office that i had our admin working on, that had nothing to do with him and what he had going on. so he kept aksing me rediculous questions about them, and absolutely would not let me answer. i couldn't get a word in at all. so i began to get that feeling i used to get when i was a little girl just trying to explain something to my dad and he wouldn't listen making me feel so very unimportant and even dumb sometimes. not a good feeling, let me tell you! so since my health flares are triggered by stress/stressfull situations and things, i snapped out of it, and told him to knock it off, that he will not talk to me that way, and if he really wanted to know what was going on, then he needed to calmn down and shut the hell up. well, i didn't actually say shut the hell up, but you know.... i wanted to so badly! he's still my dad and i don't roll like that, no matter what!
again, he wasn't mad at me at all, it was just his usual "help, i'm stressed, so fix it", or in this case "i'm stressed and i need to vent and dump on you". well no, not amymore. i can't afford it. my life is at stake. i love my family, but i will not let them kill me.
be well :)
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
the 'girls' go back and forth sharing their 'views' and opinions on various topics, injecting humor (3 comedians in the bunch), candor, and quite a bit of plain silliness.
i always hold my breath when its a day that barbara walters is on because she's such a highly respected news women with an illustrous career, and she sits at the table with the other women cussin and gossipin too, right along with them. i can't believe the stuff that comes out of her mouth sometimes - barbara walters said that!! what!! it's like a train wreck sometimes. here's this majorly respected newswoman trying her best not to be too controversial on some of the most stupidest, inane, controversial and non people and issues of the day from politics to hollywood stars to sex to the real estate market. can you imagine barbara walters discussing a sweating virgina?!?! but i really love it! and after "hot topics" is over, i turn the channel. that's it. that's all i want to see. a group of fairly diverse women being gossipy and catty on tv.
be well :)
Sunday, November 4, 2007
so i added carrots, onions, and baby squash to the pot about halfway through. then, my "quick" creamed potatoes au gratin and some cabbage. the sounds (sizzle, sizzle, cling, clang), the smells.....just lovely!! the feel of my knives, tongs, ceramic peeler. heaven i tell you!
oh but it was already good before it got better! i'm the type that likes, and usually has an orderly pantry - everything in its place and maped in my mind. where every can (I even used to know how many before hte disease moved to my brain) of soup, tomatoe paste, and worcestershire sauce, or spice was or should be. i could be in the tub and juan yells upstairs to ask where's the paprika - "which one?" i would say, "sweet, smoked or regular?" tha'ts how well i knew my pantry. well, since my health took a turn last year i haven't been able to one of my most favorite things - grocery shop or cook (see previous posts). so juan's been doing the lion's share of the grocery shopping and cooking, so needless to say, my cabinets and pantries were an unholy mess .... until yesterday. yes, yesterday. what a glorious day. it was the day i cleaned out and reorganized my cabinets and pantries!!!!! O M G!! WHAT A FEELING!!
you just don't know what doing that meant/means to me. and i don't know how to explain the feeling i had while doing it, and how i feel now, when i look into my pantry and cabinets. i almost cried, but i thought better of it. just a little too dramatic, yes? after a bit of thought on this, i think it means me gaining some kind of control. control in an area that was truly mine, control that i had lost. symbolism in a way i guess, of how these diseases and all that i've gone through (and still am) have taken from me. that cleaning and organizing my pantry means this much too me. don't get me wrong. i was always anal about the pantry anyway. no big. but it means even more now. ya dig?
well, i just had to report on this. i would go into much more detail, but i am so very pooped. you have know idea what all that has taken out of me. bugger.
be well :)
she makes me feel so many other things as well, that all seems to me to be related to the love, adoration, i have for her : frustration, passion, fear, confusion, anger, giuddiness, the need to protect and guard her with my life.
i find that all i want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her. smell her, well.... not smell her all the time, she's 5 after all. i love her nose, the way she pouches out her lips. the sounds she makes, hearing her make up a song about birds. watching her play by herself. i love the way she says "mommy", especially when she's up to no dowgone good. watching her sleep. especially that. how many of you check on your kids in the middle of the night while they're sleep? i do. i will wake up in and creep into her room and listen for her breathing, a light snore if she's had a full day. if i can't hear her, then i creep closer, carefully, not to wake her up. and touch her, to make sure, you know? yeah, you do.
you know what else? i love hearing her heart beat. and the fact that she's missing her two front teeth just cracks me up!! she does this thing where she sucks her bottom lip with a vengence, and juan and i are constantly telling her to stop. it makes this funky noise when she does it. and she does it in her sleep too. the suction is so amazingly strong. when she sleeps, juan and i try to pull her bottom lip out, no way!! well, we figured that when she lost her two front teeth, then that would be the end of that for, a while anyway. nope! we were at zachery's pizza (my favorite!) friday and it was all i could do watch her struggle to eat her pizza.... nothing but comedy! and she has two more teeth coming out. i don't know how we're going to feed her if she looses any more - soup? lol!
now, back to this obsession with my daughter. it's a love (of her for sure!), yes, and a gentle hate as well, but not of her. of the motherhood thing. you see, i struggle with how to be me, stay me, and be her mommy too. i realized not long after her first birthday that i will have to become a new woman in a way. combine the 'old me' along with lauren's mommy, to make a new me. i had to figure out what that meant. who would that person be. and how do i do that?
i'm still working on it, but have made some headway,reached an understanding, a compromise. it's always a compromise for us women, doesn't it seem? more on that heady subject in a later post.
i really didin't want to loose the me that i had become before i got pregnant. i was in love with that me. still am really. mid thirties at the time, feeling like i was finally getting the hang of this thing called life, where i fit in to it. great job, movin and shakin. the other (brilliant!) half of an upwardly mobile and damn handsome couple. oh yeah, and great sex too (yes, i like, well, love sex - see previous posts). then, "what do you mean i'm pregnant?!?" happens.
so anyway, there are the days, times when i just don't want to be a mommy. at all. i want to be me. just "ang" (as i like to be called). none of the responsibilities, the day to day billion little things you have to be about, think about, that go along with being a mom. but then, i hear her call me, in that way that she does... "mommy". aahhhh. quckly, quickly, falling back in love..with her....
but i was never out. i just want to press the pause button from time to time. jump out of mommydom for a little while. be ang for a minute, or several. no mommy stuff. just.... me.
well, you got me. my confession. will i feel the same way when she's 11, 13, 15 years old? i don't know (my best friend "d" has a soon to be 18 year old and i think it's not too bad?!). but for now, i'm in a total, complete, and all consuming love for my daughter. my joy. my ladybug. mmmmm.
** confession is good for the soul - even in the middle of my ode, i have already played at least 8 rounds of computer solitaire. i may need some help, huh?? **
be well :)
Friday, November 2, 2007
anyway, so i sit here watching food network, america's test kitchen, day after day, dreaming, yearning to go to my kitchen and pick up one of my beautiful all clad sauciers and cook somethng. anything! it's brushed stainless steel, so sexy, calling me...
since i've been really sick this last year, juan has been doing the grocery shopping, and most of the cooking, bless his dark little heart! but. it's just not the same. as good as he can be, when he wants to be, he's still a man (and all that that means), and is just not as crazy about food and cooking as i am. now, he tries. really hard too.
** confession is good for the soul --- i lost track of what i was saying because i was compelled to play a few rounds of computer solitaire. how many companies are loosing productivity hours due to this horrible addiction??!!**
so like i was saying...
plus, you know how it is when you go to the grocery store!! yes, you have a list (i'm anal and stick to it pretty closely), but you see something interesting, or different, or on sale (score!), so you pick up a few extra things. even with a list, shopping's in your head. and i know how to pick meat, produce and what not. he came home with a bag of carrots that had an expiration date for the next day one time, and another time i said to buy a round roast, he came home with a chuck roast!! it'a a man thing. yeah?
but i'm jealous too. like right now this minute i'm supposed to be emailing him the grocery list i've yet to finish because HE'S going to whole foods. that's why i said i had to hurry...life just isn't fair. i'll blog more later, i've got to finish this grocery list!
be well :)
Monday, October 29, 2007
i'm forgetting the self imposed psychological shit that's tied in to all that too. .....GUILT.
YOU ARE TIRED! tired. exhausted really. aren't you? i know. hell, you should be. stop and think about all that you do everyday. how do you feel at the end, the begining, and the end of every day? you are killing yourself, do you realize that? why? hmmmm, let me see. for your job. for your parents. for the money. for the recognition. for how it makes you look to others. your spouse. your children. because you have to. you're supposed to. guilt. am i close? i could be way off though.
stop juggling. balls will fall. things will fall throught the cracks. it's life. let the guilt go.
you must take care of your self. i know you hear that, think that, everyday. but it really is true. if you don't take care of yourself, then there's no you to give. to anything, anyone, especially those most important to you. yes girls, it really is that simple. more on this later....
be well :)
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
TIME OUT! OK, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF TRYING TO REMEMBER THE LITTLE "CODE NAMES" I'VE GIVEN EVERYONE!!! SO FROM NOW ON, I'M USING REAL NAMES FOR ME, MY DAUGHTER, AND HUBBY!! EVERYONE ELSE STAYS ANONYMOUS!! GOT IT?!?!
now, juan (dh or dear hubby) and i know that (lauren aka lb or ladbyug) lb's work is very good, and that she know's what she's doing (the fact that we're her parents not withstanding! ha!). but this teacher completely flipped the script. almost everything lauren is doing is fantastic. ???!!! so juan and i left the meeting scratching our heads. we're going to meet with her again to discuss this further because it just don't jive with her progress report. so we need to know what she's looking for because we don't want lauren going through the rest of the year stressed and down on learning, nor do we want to get to the end of the school year and she wants to hold lauren back. ya know what i mean vern?
what do you think?
be well :)
Monday, October 22, 2007
ok, so, i'm a bit bummed. i just came out of a round of chemo and had been feeling just awful all last week. well, with the weather being so pretty right now, i am really missing my ability to drive. in addition to heart and lung involvment, it now in the brain. so i have seizures that we haven't quite gotten under conrol just yet, and unil we do, no driving for me! which i ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO DO!! but i can't. nope. can't. for now....
you see, i'm someone who love to drive. what driving means to me... independence. solitude. freedom. put in a few cd's and blast the stereo, open the sun roof, and escape to beautiful places. one of my faveorites is this little bench seat perched on a cliff just above the golden gate bridge, overlooking the expanse of the pacific ocean, s.f., and the bay all in one glance (FANTASTIC!!), not too far up, just past the first few tourists stops. i don't know why, but it's never crawling with people. you may have seen me there with my secret lover? - my pretty, shinny black volvo 850 T5 with 324 little horsies under the hood.....GIDYUP GIRL!!!!LETS GO!!!! listening to those 6 cylinders humming, steering wheel vibrating in my hands, feul injected passion moving me down a 2 lane road or HWY 80 at 75 mph........mmmmmm, aaaahhhhhh. almost as good as S.E.X.!!
whew, ok, i digress. now you know some of the secrets of my dark little heart. i miss my life before october 3, 2006. pre siezure. i want to work too! i have all of these GREAT ideas. things i want to do. time, time, i know it takes time. right. time. wait. stop. is work that important to me that im willing to risk my health? why must it be that serious anyway? i love what i do. i help people change they're lives for the good. and i love the way that i do it. i need that. i need it. and i need to drive. it's purely selfish you understand. working and driving played a major role in helping me feel alive, and i feel i need that now more than ever before. but i can't work, or drive. nope. can't. at least for now....... ;)
so now im looking for thngs to replace what i got out of working. boy is it hard! for me, there's nothing that can replace what i feel when i drive. ok, that's all for the whining. i never make it long, and try to stick to just one thing at a time. and i've had, what, two days of bitchin?!
be well :)
thanks for all your comments about ladybugs teacher situation. i'm still working on figuring out how to get the "comments" section active. i'm sure it's "user error" lol!! :)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
i don't know how to explain it. it's like i play these games with myself. maybe juan is right. he gets, and is, really angry with me because he feels i pretend to everyone that everything is ok, like nothing is wrong with me, i'm not sick. "faking it". i told him that that wasn't fair, it's just my "game face". how i cope in a way. i just suck it up. no, i don't want to worry or scare people, nor do i want people feeling sorry for me, especially when i feel like "i'm not really sick". yeah, maybe he's right. damn. i'm too good at it. i'm fooling myself.
but hey, at least i look good! not like someone whose as sick as i am, dealing with what i'm dealing with. i swear - if someone else says how good i look i'm gonna scream then whap 'em with my cane!!! don't get me worng, i'm very thankful that "at least i still have my looks" (and i was an ugly duckling! no, seriously). do you know what a joke that is? how much of a non-compliment that is? no you don't, and neither do the people who tell me that. so i just say " oh thank you so much" and keep walking. but what i really want to say is " do you know how long it takes for me to get out of bed in the morning? how much blood i spit out when i brush my teeth, and how much it hurts to do it? that my once beautiful and thick hair has gotten so thin (for me at least), and changed so much that i really can't do much of anything to it because of the chemo and all the medications i take everyday. how i can't cook all the fantastic food i use to in my beautiful kitchen with all the wonderful and neat gadgets, tools, and fancy shmancy post, pans, and knives (cooking and food is my passion and i fancy myself a pretty damn good home chef!) because they're too heavy and i may cut myself because i tremor, am not strong enough on my right side to lift the pans, don't move fast enough if there's a fire or spill something, still have sieizures. or how difficult it is to help my daughter get dresed, let alone myself as i repeat "buttons and zippers are my friends". that my muscles are so tender, my skin is so tender and raw sometimes that it hurts to wear clothes, or to kiss my dh, or let my dear lb lay with me on the sofa and read to her. how i've got to wirte everything down several times in different places to make sure i don't forget and that what you think is real, or had happened may not be real at all or have actually happened because you can't trust your memory. or that i can't run to whole foods, williams-sonoma or anywhere else because i can't drive......" i could go on of course, and that's not even the worst of it. but why. i want to live. not focus on all this bullshit. but this bullshit is my life. at least right now. i pray for my own healing every day. i pray that i wake up one morning and, poof! the pain is gone, its all gone! all of it.
yeeuup. i think i'm still in a bit of denial. will i stop "faking it"? i don't know. i don't think i know how to. but i think it's working for me. well, for right now at least. how will i be if and when i figure out how to stop? hmmmm....
be well :
Sunday, October 14, 2007
dh and i are just furious as well! because the teacher is unable to see the improvement lb has made, not that there was any needed for a 5 year old. now i'm lb's mom, and i was/am concerned as to whether i'm being objective. so i took a step, or two, back, and did a gut check. and...YES I AM BEING OBJECTIVE! there have been so many little things happening since school started and dh and i wanted to give the teacher a chance.
well anyway, i just couldn't take it anymore, so i called the 'room mom' and a few other parents and had several revelations - well, maybe not revelations since i knew there was funkiness going on in the first place. just confirmation. each mom i spoke with (3 or 4) said that they were having the same issues with the teacher and that their child was a bit stressed as well. hate to say it, but i felt better after speaking with them. at least it's not just l and we're not crazy.
so lb's parent teacher conference is coming up in a next week and dh and i plan to have a plan when we met with her..... will keep you posted... get it?
Monday, October 1, 2007
well now. it really has been too long. and i don't know where to beging really, so bare with me while i try to catch you all up. here we go.....
where have i been? sick. yep, sick. again. i was in the hospital for two weeks and got out a little over two weeks ago. i'd been pregnant for about 4 months, AND DID NOT KNOW IT. and because my body is all fucked up with these diseases, all hell broke loose! the doc's said there was no choice, nothing to discuss. end the pregnancy or die.
so i've only been free from the hospital for 3 days, i go to get my regular labs (bloodwork) done, and the nurses tell me that one of my doctors wants me to call right away. yikes! what's that about?? well, he wanted me to have another round of chemo right away, like two days later. i hate chemotherapy. YUCK! that's so not even close to describing what it's like and how it makes me feel. and i still haven't found a way to trully describe how it feels to go through it, and what it's like afterwards. note to self..... work on that.
and i had mama drama while i was in the hospital too.... unfortunately. mom and dh (hear hubby) got into it in my hospital room in a major way!! yep. they did. i just sat here and erased several hours of typing. i went into detail about the situation with mom and dh, then mom calling my lil brother for explaination. and the drama over her borrowing my car, and other misallaneous crap that i'd put up with regarding her. well, i just erased it all. i sure did. and it was good too. funny, witty. but i erased it. it needed to be erased. why? because crazy is, as crazy does. there's no rhyme or reason to my mother. she is truly in her own fucked up world that's based on nothing that makes any real sense or logic when it comes to her family.... unfortunately. so, i figured i'd not bore you with it. now i know i'll hear from some of you (which reminds me to say that i'm working on getting my 'comments' section enabled for you all - and i thank you all for your feedback and kind words!), but, hey, i just can't use that energy on her ANYMORE. now this doesn't mean that i'm no longer going to tell you about the mama drama, because many of you know that it's just too good not to! lol!!
so, since i last wrote, ladybug started school - the first grade! she's really starting to grow up. i'm still very nervous about this. i don't know how to explain it. and on top of that, we're having issues with her new teacher, mrs. b. she's been a teacher for quite some time now, i think at least 25 years, but is new to our school. we met her for the first time at back to school nite and picked up right away that she's wound too tight. dh and i figured that she was a bit nervous since this is a new gig for her, and she's still learning the ropes. fine. but then the school work started coming home. talk about confusing! dh and i had to meet with her by the second week of school! she brought up some issues with lb that we are well aware of - we're more than aware of what our kid is and can be like. we're not the type of parents that insist that their child is a perfect angel as the kid burns down the school. we know lb is a social butterfly whose easily distracted. however, she's like that only under certain conditions. so we wanted to let the teacher know this. and that we are hands on parents that won't tolerate any rediculousness - from lb, her, or the school.
mrs. b acknowledge that, but then went on to add that lb has a tendancy to have what she described as 'meltdowns'. so after we got clarification on what that means to her, dh and i were disturbed, because that's just not something lb does. don't get me wrong. lb has meltdowns, she's 5 years old. but not at all what the teacher described. this troubled dh and i. we felt in our gut, after a gut check, that this just wasn't true. since then mrs. b has also suggested that there are other "minor behavioral issues" but when we've pressed her for specifics and when, she's unable to give us this info or totally downplays the incident. i am not comfortable calling her a liar. yet she has a 'way' of saying things that bugs the hell out of us. she doesn't give it to you straight.
in addition, we wanted her to know about my health situation. i don't like nor want special treatment for lb, however, i don't want her being penalized for things that are out of her control and are based on or due to my health. we asked mrs. b to look out for any changes with lb in her school work or behavior for us as well.
so since so much of what dh and i feel our issues are are intagible, feelings, we figured we'd focus on what is tangible - school work. which we discussed at that meeting in august. at the time lb needed to work on her handwriting, which we knew (she writes too fast because she wants to write like a grownup, we told mrs. b.), and she needed to just slow down and focus. the teacher said she was missing words, or skipping words and or problems. remember, this i the second week of school (school stared august 23rd, our meeting was august 28th!!). i reminded mrs. that she was just coming from summer vacation, that she was a pm kindergartener before, and that she was 5 (!!!). i mean really, come on!!!!
well, we ended it with a mini plan regarding the school work and working on the attention span, again, she's 5. dh and i just didn't feel right about the teacher then and still don't. so like i said, we just focused on her school work, and she improved significantly, i mean really! and she was already doing first/second grade work (reading and phonics, not math so much).
but she is stressed out by school and expressed to us that she's scared of the teacher, feels the teacher is not very nice, but likes the assistant. also, they don't have desks, and eventhough they change sitting assignments, she spends several weeks at a time sitting and working with a few kids that terrorize her. which we'd already made mrs. b aware of who they are. i'm so concerned because she's stressed by school, not my health, and it's too early in the game for her to loose the passion she has for learning.
help!! what do i do?!?!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
speaking of friends, i feel like i've picked up a few that are quickly becoming close to my heart. two in particular are moms at lb's school and are and have been just great to me this last year while going thru my health drama's. and they have no reason to be. they just really seem to have great spirits. one, hmmm what name can i give her??? don't want to be too obvious here. let's see, lil l's mom? or how 'bout ll kool k? yeah, i like that one. the other? hmmm, ok, uh..... this is hard! BOW, yes!! so, my new specials are ll kool k(maybe kk - kool k - for short) and BOW.
all of that to come up with some names?! hah! i'm so silly, really i am. ok, so anyway, i'm drawn to them more than any of the other parents, moms. don't get me wrong, everyone at lb's school is really nice, have offered to help or has in some way. for example, it's a private school and we have to do a certain number of volunteer hours and at some point dh and i knew that there'd e no way we'd make it. well, someone stepped up to the plate and donated their hours!! i'm still overwehelmed by that gesture. i really don't think whoever did that know's what it meant, and still means for them to do that for us. i am making it my mission to find out who did it!! SERIOUSLY!
i feel so blessed to have gotten her into this school, and well, everything happens how and when it's supposed to happen. and again, i see why.... i had the siezure and brain injury suddenly last year in october (see previous posts), just after school started, so we knew NO ONE! and no one knew us. and kk just stepped on up to the plate, along with BOW in her way, as she got to know us over the school year. so, as the year progressed and turned into summer, i have developed a special place in my heart for these two special ladies. i look forward to seeing them when school starts and getting to know them better over the coming school years.
ok, now you've got background on some new folks in my life. other than getting lb ready for school and dealing with the dumb decision to go to disneyland and come back the day before school starts while still having the houseguests from hell visiting and dealing with health issues, not much is going on!! oh yeah, did i mention that we still don't know who the first grade teacher will be? not worried though. lb is prepared.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
well, dh and i had a bit of a spat yesterday and right now i am just so tired of him. tired of his 'shit'. just how he can be at times. here i am dealing with, living with, fighting with a few little life threatening illnesses (see previous posts), and it's like he dips in and out of the situation, i don't want to fight with him too! ok, so yeah, it's alot for him to deal with. i totally get that. i guess that's why he can acts like an ass at times. which is why i let a lot of shit slide with him.
don't get me wrong, he can be just F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S, alot of the time - given the situation. hell, he loves me and it shows. we are really good together and i love that, and i love him. but geeez louweez...!!! just a bad day for us.... oh well....
anyway, lb (ladybug) had a few birthday party's this weekend, and we went to just two. they were her classmates and it was great to see the kids and the parents too! many of her class mates have grown so much, i was surprised! they're all starting to loose that bay look about them. but it was fun to see her run around and playing with her friends again. she's realy missed them this summer. only a few weeks ago did she finally get the fact that she's out of school for the summer.
well, cc and the kids will be here tuesday, and then we're off to disneyland next saturday. yep, i'm crazy to go to d'land and get back to town the day before school starts. nuts! i pray it won't screw up her shcedule. yeah, right.....
be well :)
Monday, August 6, 2007
ladybug went to atlanta to stay a week with mil (mom in law) and family, so dh and i went on a nice little jaunt to catalina island last week. it was so nice to be away. i was exhausted when we left, and am even more so now! i was a bit anxious too which didn't help. why? well, ladybug is only 5 yo and i wasn't sure if she was ready to be that far away from me, and hubby said she'd be staying all over the place with no one really taking off to be with her. well that freaked me out and i wasnt having it!! but i should have known better. he has a flair for the dramatic that he'll never admit too, and it drives me crazy to no end. so i called mil to see what the h*** was going on. all was fine.... that darn hubby of mine.....arrrrrgg!
so ladybug did just fine and had a ball. i'm so happy for her!! she's an only child, and the only girl on both sides, so i worry at times that she's having fun. but, hey, there's only so much i can do. she's an only child, it is what it is i'm afraid. so i'm sooooooo beyond thrilled to have her back. i worried a little and prayed a bit more. but she's home!!! my god i missed her. and yet i didn't. something to explore on another post. the pangs and odd feelings of moherhood. hmm....
the other reason i was anxious was that i haven't been on an airplane for i dont know how long, and i hadn't been cleard by the docs to fly. so i didn't know how my body would react. i was just fine. i had a few siezures once we got there, and back, and i managed to do alot of walking before i gave in to huby's pestering me about a wheelchair, so i'm happy with how i did! i feel like that was a test for the upcoming trip to disneyland i'm taking with my sister/friend cc and her 2 kids in a couple of weeks. i'm very excited!! i haven't seen her in so long, and i don't remember her daughter, who's my goddaughter. i just have pics of her to look at. plus ladybug and her son are very close too. i just miss cs and will try not to cry when i see her.
there are really only two women in my life that i share 'me' with. cc and d-monie. they are my sisters in the very essence of the word sister. i love them and i know that they love me. ironically, neither of them have met. hopefully i can get them together. i can't even say that they know much about each other. i'm not one to talk about other people to other people, even if it's nothing major. i know they know of each other, that the other's married with kids, but i think that's it. i've never felt comfortable talking about other people. however, i dont mind them talking about me though. because i know them. we are all very much alike in the best way, and yet different in the best way. i love that. they both are very creative - d is so stylish; cc is very organized. they really help me be a better person. i love 'em.
errrg! the doorbell! the tv repair man is here, again. my cousin came over a couple of weeks ago, just wouldn't leave, stayed the night, and just destroyed my house, along with the tv. she's going thru a divorce-maybe. i'll fill you in on that drama later, now that i can talk about!!.....a hot mess!!
be well :)
Saturday, July 7, 2007
well, anyway, she has made how she feels about me quite clear from day one, which is that she thinks i'm 'shee shee pooh pooh, upity, with the pinky in the air, you know what i mean? well, we were over a while ago, maybe over a year ago, for one of their gatherings, and she decided to gang up on me and tried to pick me, and how and where i was raised and went to school, apart. i still can't believe she 'went there'.
she has a small group of friends, and mother figure, ms. b, whom i really like. well, they, and her hubby had to calm her down. what did i do? not much, honestly. i've never been one to "play the dozens", and it had gotten to a point where she looked so rediculous that i didn't have to say anything. i believe in letting people like that dig the hole themselves, which she did.
i on't believe anyone is better than anyone else, no matter what. we all have our 'issues'. and her issues are that she is self conscious and insecure, and for some reason, especially around me, which is why, i've now figured out, why behaves that way towards me. she has since calmed down a great deal, i guess someone said something to her, maybe her hubby or ms. b. i don't know. but she is still uncomfortable and i can feel it.
i've come across my share of people like that, and at first i would allow myself to get flustered and upset by them - fall victim to them. unitl i realized what was really going on. you see, people tell you who they are, it's up to us to hear them, and listen. i know who and what i am, and am sre and confident in that. period. now, i have my moments, lord knows! there are so many forces out there that make you question yourself. it's very hard.
so anyway, the function wound down, with nothing to report other than her usual and rediculous attempts at a smart under the radar comment here and there. she really thinks she's funny. i also don't like going over there because they can't cook!
be well :)
Monday, July 2, 2007
so she has a break from her gymnastic camp because of the holiday being in the middle of the week i guess. i'm not too pleased with this camp. she loves the gymnastics part, which i knew she would. it's perfect for her. she gets to run, climb, jump, flip and tumble. plus i was an elite gymnast and coached for a while too. but as soon as you walk into this place it just doesn't feel fun. there's a range of ages, they're not grouped based on their age, which i really don't like. she's one of the 'only ones' of her age and background. i'm trying really hard not to put her in situations where she'll feel isolated and alone. she's already in a school where there's only a handful of kids like her, and they're not in her class. she's the only one in her class, and there are no teachers that look like her. she came home one day and told me that one of the girls in her class said her the color is is a bad one. so lb decided that she doesnt want to be the color that she is now with such sadness and confusion. heartbreakng. what do i do?
there's this short film called "a girl like me" done by a young girl named kiri davis about skin color and it's effects on very young children. she based it on dr. kenneth clark's ground breaking study back in the 50's. wow! check it out or google it if you get a chance. it really makes you think...hard. i did my masters thesis on this material and my title was "what is pretty is good", ut i flipped the scrpt and used color instead of actual supposed physcial attractiveness. i don't want to make a big deal about it, you know, overemphasize the color thing. but, i grew up in a situation where i was the only one in school and in my extra curricular things (like lacrosse, cheerleading, horseback riding, swimming). luckily i had/have family that did those things too while growing up. but i couldn't be with them all the time. i'm just trying to keep my own baggage out of it. but it's hard.
enough of that. i'm just so happy that to have her for the next few days. eventhough she's 5 and can be a handful. not in a typical 5 year old kind of way, but yet yes, in that way. she's so easy that everyone always wants to babysit her. i hope she can tell how much i appreciate her. i worry too. because of my crazy self centred narcissistic mother (see "mommy dearest"post) and her effect on me, i worry taht i go too far the other way with ladybug. that i'm being too soft with her and make it too easy for her. i worry if i'm making life fun and interesting for her with little baggage of her own. especially since i'm sick.
this morning she came to our room wanting to get in the bed at about 2am. i or dh usually walker her back if it's too early (like before 4:30am), but i let her in the bed anyway because i wanted to snuggle with her. she has this way of wrapping herself around me that i just love. i swear if she could get back inside my stomach she would. she stokes and caresses me like she's the adult there to comfort me! funny and cute.
so i let her wrap her growing like a weed legs around me and i kissed her forhead, and then i happily nodded off to sleep sandwiched between the two loves of my life.
be well :)
Friday, June 29, 2007
yes, it's gotten so much better since october. truly. BUT. i'm getting frustrated. for the most part, i can see that i've come a very long way, and am very thankful for the support and prayers i've recieved, and i know that it will take time. time. TIME.
right now i'm sick of that. sick and tired of hearing that, of telling myself that. of being patient. you see, i'm the one that's patient with everyone.... except with myself. i don't know how to be that for myself. how to give that to myself. i should know how to, right? i gave to everyone else. shouldn't it be easy? well, it's not. along with a whole list of other things i should be able to do for myself.
i 'm tired of not knowing if i've had this conversation already, asked that question before. i have to write everything down. more than twice most of the time. i was in the store the other day and i saw someone i think knew me, but didn't say anything to me, just sort of "acted" like we didn't know each other. but i really felt like we did. there was something in her eyes that gave it away. all i have is my gut feeling. i don't remember, but sometimes i just have a feeling. it's really difficult to do so many things now. things that everyone takes for granted. things that i use to just do. like multi tasking (impossible practically,lol!!), or remembering how to get somewhere that you go a thousand times. just watching a tv show is a major challenge. its hard to follow, especially trying to watch movies. its all i can do to keep up with my ladybugs childrens programming the sprout channel! (you know, barney...). like the other day dh and i were going to get lb registered in her summer gymnastic camp. i knew exactly where it was, could see it in my mind. but i could remember how to tell dh where to go, or if we were even heading the right way. hell, i knew where i was, but didn't really know where i was! do you understand? it's more than just having a brain fart. you see, i was always the go to person. i knew everything, and remembered even more. i had this close to photographic memory. reliable like the sun rising and setting. now?
i use to be very well spoken, articulate, and cogent. a pretty good, and very confident public speaker, if i must say so myself. now...?? well, let's just say that it's probably all you can do to understand me. yeah, i'm typing like all is well, but trust me! this is not how i really speak. my sentance structure and spelling is that of a kindergartener. when i talk it sounds as if i'm deaf, or from some exotic country, or speaking baby talk, depending on how i'm feeling. it's so hard now to get my point accross. to say what i really am meaning to say. in addition to stml i have a combination of broca's and wernicke's aphasia. broca's is when it takes great effort for one to talk and have problems with grammar and speak short telegraphic sentences, such as "get water". wernicke's is when it's easy to talk, but i use the wrong words, the wrong sounds, or make up words. Much of what some people say may sound like "nonsense". i go back and forth depending on what's going on - if i'm tired, in pain, having swelling in the language center of the brain (vasculitis), or had a siezure.
everytime i look at dh or my ladybug, i get scared, angry, frustrated. it's also very funny. lb will say "ok momy, i'm going to have another cup of pudding because you're going to forget that i already had one". how can i stay angry, and frustrated for long? lol! i've since had to pull a 'mommy' on her and i pretend that my memory is just fine. i let her see me as i am except that. i do not want to put that on her. for some reason i feel like she can handle my physical disabilities, heck, she thinks it's fun at times (she gets to ride in my wheelchair with me sometimes, or play with my quite fancy shmacy cane!), but worry about the memory issues on her. she asked me one day if i was able to remember to take care of her, get her milk, cheerios, etc. the look of mixed genuine concern and fear and sadness on her face nearly broke me. my god i love her. oh, and the thought of my dh. i'm watching him now watching me struggle to type this. heartbreaking, really.
how do i describe to you what its like? i'm struggling with that. can you imagine looking at a picture of you and some loved ones, and having absolutely no memery, or even a feeling of it? nothing. just blank. that's it. just blank. i think that's the best i can do. it's blank. blankness. lots of it too. all running together.
anyway. i'm angry and frustrated and scared right now. very. i'm shootin' blanks. there. i do feel better now.
be well :)
Thursday, June 28, 2007
anyway, ladybug is in gymnastics summer camp for the next few weeks and she's liking it, but not liking it. i thnk it's because she wants her way all the time. it's perfect for her because she gets to jump, flip and run around which is all she wants to to anyway. but this is day 4 and she started whining about going this morning. that inner kid in me immediately started to empathize , but for the wrong reasons. yes, it would be easier to keep her home with me - i wont have to figure out how to get her there and back; i wont have to worry about both of us being presentable; and most importantly, i can sleep in. i'm exhausted! he, he! well, i want her to love it.
well, i'm going to go make myself feel better and do some scrapbooking....
be well :)
Friday, June 22, 2007
anyway, i'm a photo bug, always have been, use to develope my own film even, and i have easily tens of thousands of pictures in the garage. well, lb was in daisy girl scouts and her year just ending june 1 and somehow i wound up getting elected to putting together the memory book ???!!! something i've never done.
i figured i'd give it a try since i have nothing but time on my hands. well, it turned out wonderful, and i fell in love! so i've been running to michaels, target, and the little nieghborhood scrapbooking store down the street from the subdivision (dangerous) to get stocked up on supplies and what nots.
why do i like it so much for somene who really isn't creative at all, and always sort of didnt like arts and crafts in school? maybe because i'm anal, like details, am focused, and have a thing for gadgets. now that i've been doing this for about a month now, i'm seeing that these are some of the things required to do it. i do not have a creative eye at all. i just know what i like, and its usually when i see it. so in that way it's been very, very hard for me to start a page.
i've always liked the idea of arts and crafts, and admired those who were good at it ( i thought they were smarter). ironically, i get a daughter who lives and breathes it. the way she gets when we walk into michaels is how i get when i walk into whole foods or williams sonoma! well, school is out, so last week we went to michaels and spent a small fortune for us to do craft projects all summer. clay, paint, paper, craft kits, foam thingies, brushes, crayons, markers, glitter this, sparkle that. i can see how people go into bankruptcy in that place!
i made a beautiful fathers day card for dh and i am beyond proud. i can't stop looking at it. i made it. from scratch in my head.
i cant wait to get started on all the pictures i have in the garage! i'm going to start with lb and her kindergarten year. then i'm going to work on her and her "cousin/brother" nico. they are so cute together, especially when they were babies. and then my newest special love - sophia. scrumpteous. i gotta get nicknames for them.
life = create = share = pride
be well :)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
my goodness... where to start?!?
well, here i go...she's a quickly approaching 60 year old divorcee (for almost thirty years now...) with two wonderful children, girl (me!) and a boy 8 years younger, who are responsible, educated adults, married with children and doing well in the world. oh, did i mention the guilt trip?
i just don't understand. and i realize that somethings just aren't meant to be understood. it's not like i was a bad kid. or that i had a hard childhood. or that i was beaten. actually, i was a pretty good kid - good grades, helpful, etc., and i wasn't beaten, and my childhood was no harder or easier than any other average middleclass kid, child of a reletively uneventful divorce, growing up in the late, late seventies and eighties.
so now that we're clear on those things, i'll try to proceeed succinctly. moms always treated me like i was in the way, or a burden, or that i caused her a certain amount of inconvenience. for example, i was born at 5:20am on christmas a happy time doubly so, right? nope. i've had to hear, until a few years ago, about how awful it was for her to be having a baby on christmas. i'm almost forty years old!! let it go!!! so of course i have tons of other anectdotes like that. did i mention the guilt trip?
i grew up hearing about how hard of a life she's had or how much she's had to sacrafice either in general ("i didn't had the opportunity to go to college; the only options for me back then were to ger married or get a job". or the other version,"i had a scholorship to go to college, but your grandfather said it wasn't necessary for me to go to school because i had to work" or something like that ), or supposedly for me (" i worked my butt off to make sure you've had everything you ever needed or wanted" or "to put you through college", or "i've bent over backwards to make sure that i would have a better relationship with my daughter than i had with my mother". whatever. major guilt trip layer on-er.
it never failed. she would always kick me to the curb or leave me hanging in some way, form, or fashion. usually to be vindictive. to get back at my dad, or me in some way because she percieved in her crazy ass head that i had done some thing to "get" her. that's how she thinks still. for another example. it was senior year. i had worked all summer as i had done since i was 12yo to earn my little money for the school year, because, according to mom, there are no free rides. plus, i never wanted to be caught in her crosshairs with nothing. so anyway, i was supposed to go to my jr prom and ended up not going. my uncle and one of his many, many dumb girlfriends were over visiting. i was leading them into the family room when my mom called me. i said 'just a minute mom, be right there'. my finger was bleeding badly and we had snow white carpet in the livingroom, so i went to get some tissue to keep from tracking blood on her precious carpet.
well, she screamed at me to "come here right now!!" in that awful, shrill voice of hers. i came of course, bleeding, and then she slapped the shit out of me. almost litterally, i wet myself. then she said for me to never ever tell her 'just a minute'. i was not allowed to explain. that was it. in her mind i had embarrased her in front of people, plus, she was in one of her many crazy and unpredictable moods. so, no prom. unnavoidable. something similar happened for my senior year - no class pictures, no class ring, no senior class trip. i dont think she knows about the cut even to this day.
in all honesty, i lived in a weird sort of fear/anger with her. you never knew, or know even now, what kind of mood she'll be in, or if something you say will rub her the wrong way and set her off one of her rants. oh yeah, and boy could she lay on the guilt!
ok, so fast forward to 'recently', meaning the last 2 years or so. as i'd said before, i got sick in '04, and even that was mired in mamma drama. i've been sick enough that i have needed significant help in some way off and on, especially while going through chemotherapy for the las 2.5 years. almost the whole time mom pretty much stayed away, not helping. everyone else was more than present and accounted for. and the way the pop came thru...wow! i still get misty eyed when i think about how he's had my back, but that's another post. i'm giving mom her just due. anyway, she has told me some off the wall crazy shit. she's told me that it's my fault that i'm sick, and that god is angry with me and he'll have his foot up my butt til i get 'it'. and that she hasnt been around to help me on purpose because it was time for me to grow up. and that this will help me get my act together. excuse me, i didnt know my act was all so fucked up! actually, if i may say so myself, my 'act' is pretty damned together! (with a few minor exceptions of course, lol ;) hell, even my therapist says that given all the true and amazing bullshit that she put me thru, i'm pretty damn well adjusted! that i could teach a class or something. (which i'm thinking about because all my friends tell me the same thing). and she wines and complains that i cant hang out with her anymore (i use a cane or wheelchair and walk funny and cant be in the sun - and i think it embarrasses her), and that before she moved out here in january, she hated having to come all the way out here to see me, a 15-20 min drive (when i could drive, it was incredibly difficult and exhausted me. i cant drive at all now).
i was getting a bit riled up so i played a few rounds of computer solitaire. aaahhhh. ok, back to posting....
can you believe some of that shit?! there were times when i would just wish she would beat me. at least there were scars. i know that sounds just awful. because thats nothing to joke about. thats how serious her psycho mind games were.
now to come current. 3 weeks ago today, mom came over to pick up ladybug and take her to school, which she normally does now that she's moved practically across the street. literally. well, we had a blow up, which is a big deal, because i called her on her madness and challenged her. i never challenge her because she layes on major guil trips, and always commanded/demanded complete compliance and 'respect'. anyway, since i've been sick, my tolerance for bullshit in general is fast becoming nonexistant, so needless to say i'm up to "there" with mommie dearest. it has gotten so bad that dh doesnt even want her in the house, no interaction. talk about stress!!
so we havent really spoken since then until monday, and then again today. she dropped ladybug off and in classic mommy dearest fashion, decided that we needed to talk. well, i told her what i thought and felt, but am a bit bummed with myself because i feel that i really didnt go far enough. i kept it pretty light. like, i didnt tell her about how rotary's gone to her hear and that she's offended just about everyone with her dear 'rotary' she, she, poo, poo. so fuckin what your the damn chapter president! she acts like no one else has ever heard of rotary. i didnt tell her about how niether of her two precious children, or our spouses, want to be bothered with her because we all see thru her madness and manipulation and just dont want to be bothered.
but, alas, she always has to have the last word. so she called me yesterday, after she thought up and planned out what to say of course because that's what she does, to say that "she's so sorry for being so naive in thinking that the shear love of a mother for her children would make everyting ok" and that "to think that she's worked so hard to have this relationship with her daughter, just to find out that your child doesnt feel the same way", among other rediculousness. yeah, she's good with the guilt. wtf is she talkin about??!!??!
well, she wont be getting the last word. i'm going to write her a letter, which i've been planning on doing for a long long while now. nothing nasty. i'm just not sure how far i should go. any thoughts? comments welcomed.
i'm just too tired and emotionally drained to give this account to you too. just know that he's trippin (about nothing) as usual. and its all on me. as usual. and you wonder why i'm sick?!?!?
i'll fill you in on part 2.
be well :)
Monday, June 11, 2007
i had a great session with dh saturday and it was great! it was different this time though. it began as usual: me not really wanting to do it, hoping he'll fall asleep, or think that i was in too much pain to touch me. but doing it anyway because i think it's important in maintaining the relationship. since the lb came along, and my health issues, we both just didn't want to be bothered. me more than him though. lol!
anyway, this isn't an x-rated blog, so i'll move on. i just really wanted to say that sometimes sex is more than just sex. sometimes it's spiritual. i hope you have experienced that.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
he's a guy so he's not really 'thinking', so i let him off the hook often enough because i'm not one of those women who'll beat a dead horse about some shit that has nothing to do with his world, or how he processes things. well at times i do. hey, i am still a woman (giggle). but what i'm trying to say is this: most people, especially men, in some form or fashion tell you who they are. be it through thier actions, how they react to things, or not, or just plain what they say, they tell you who they are. trust me, think about it, you know, hindsight? it's up to you to see it. and sometimes we just can't. you're blinded by love, the person is a slick willy or is just good at 'covering up', or you're just plain dumb.
what i also recognize is that he and i have been together for about 15 years or so, and i heard what he was telling me all those years of dating. i take into consideration that he's in his own world and that he sees and processes things completely different than i do. it saves me alot of head and heart aches. but that doesnt mean that everything is hunky dorey. oh no. lawd know's we have our issues. of course we do, we're two completely different people with different communication styles and vastly different backgrounds. however, because I heard and saw what he was saying, we have a lot less relationship drama than so many of my freinds and family. and i'm thankful.
HOWEVER!!!! there are so many times where i look at him in awe due to something he's said or how he's, or his just not getting it. or i just plain want to knock him upside his head.
case in point: ladybug's last day of kindergarten is tomorrow and they're having a class party. we're suppose to bring the juice. i think. why? well because genious threw away all of her school related papers. of course he did. why? well, it is the last week of school, right? btw, thats how i found out that that's how i missed her class on monday (see post#2). anyway, i realize this and say, 'hey babe, i'm goin to run to the store to get some juice'. so of course ladybug wants to go with me, but she's already got her pajamas on, and i just want to run in and out quickly. so genious says aloud,'why cant she go with you? what's wrong with her in her jam jams?' so i tell him whats wrong, and that i want to be like him when he runs to the store childless. well he wont let it go and gets ladybug all in the mix. i suspect he's just trying to be messy and start some shit because lb is cranky and tired. i hate when he tries to fuck with me thru her. AND most importantly... I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING due to my neurological issues. and he wants me to take her to the store with me?????!!!!! i pointed that out to him and he sat there with this stupid look on his face like i'm persecuting him. do you feel me out there? ggrrrrrr.
its straight comedy up in here. really. between him and lb, and some of the things that come out of they're mouths....i have so many examples of marital relationship communication hilarity that i've been told by family and freinds that i should write a script. see, that's the good thing. with all of his (and mine) bullshit, and my serious health drama, we really laugh and love hard. that and the sex is the only thing keeping me from killing him.
so like i was saying earlier. i knew way before we were married that he had (still has) the propensity to be just plain not at home at times, and just brilliant at others. and that at times i just plain want to wring his neck.
but the sex is great and he was/is sooo damn fine!!!
i sneak and do it. i don't want anyone to know that i'm doing it. late at night, in the dark. i nod off while doing it.
over, and over, and over again. my fingers are going numb, joints in pain and swelling. hands arms head eyes shoulders hurt. can't help it. got to DO IT.
does dear hubby know?
it soothes me and comforts me and calms me and excites me. doing it allows me to feel as though i can still multi task since i've been sick. doing it allows me to drift off and zone out. it feels soooo gooood. i just love doing it.
hi. my name is princess tinybutt. and i'm a solitaire addict.
there. done. i feel better now. actually, let me do another quick game, or two, before i finish this post.
Monday, June 4, 2007
what's the story you ask? ok, well, like i said in the first post. i have several auto immune diseases that are attacking me. you see, i am a classic over achiever and, like everything else i do, i got it good. um, well, bad.
it started in '04 when i callapsed and dear hubby (dh) took me in to the er. i spent a few weeks in icu, critical care, then finally oncology. after getting the diagnosis a few months later i began chemotherapy because the diseases were/are agressive in me - attacking my lungs, heart, muscle tissue, and viens. steady as she goes in and out of the hopsital a few times 'til october '06 then BAM!! i had a siezure and fell down the stairs. i spent a few more weeks in the hospital then the docs realize that it's in my brain. my damn brain. it has affected my mobility, speech, and i now suffer from short term memory loss. it's been rough. and i'm still here. i'm too damn stubborn.
so there's the part of the story. back to my post...
so, i had a hard time sleeping as usual. i get up to get ladybug ready for school this morning, but i'm feeling soo bad. when i feel like this i say i'm having a 'luppie kind of day'. the good thing is she doesnt have to be at kindergarten until noon, so i can take my time to shake off the lupies. anway, i washed ladybugs hair last night and really didn't feel like cobming it. i get her off to school and we're looking for her class, only to realize that not only did i forget her lunch, but class is over. OVER. it's the last week of school and they go from 8am to noon. UUGGGGHHHHH!!!!
i was so flustered and flabbergasted. what? how did i miss that? ok, yeah, i suffer from short term memory loss (stml), but still, i am one of those anal retentive organizing, planning, cross-checking freaks. even more so now. so, still, how did i miss it?? then i got mad at dh. he's supposed to be backing me up. he's been pretty darn good thru all the health drama - figuring things out, dealing with the doctors, insurance, medications ect... a very big deal for him, because you see, i've spoiled him. damnit!! he's back in his world now.
you see, our relationship has been/still is based on me doing everything - planning, figuring things out, paying bills, what's for dinner, shold we et this type of insurance or that one, yada, yada, yada... you get the picture, right? he relyed on me for everything. even to think for him (at least that's how i felt/feel at times... "shall i hold your dick for you, sweety?"). danm, damn, damn - he's back in his world now.
really, he is a good guy. so way better than alot out there. why? well, lets just say, uhhm, well, i hope and pray that your dh, spouse/partner/mate would wipe your butt and figure out how and where to put a panty liner on for you. things along those lines make up for him being a guy and a bit emotionally unavailable at times. but he really tries. that's another story for another post. it's getting late and i have to get ladybug to school by 8AM NOW. grrrrrrr......
be well :)