oh what a feeling!

yes, yes. i did it. i cooked. i cooked a whole meal. the kind that i used to be known for. a wonderful (i will say so myself!) sunday dinner with all the fixin's: chuck roast studded and infused with garlic gloves, rosemary, thyme and onions. then a little chicken broth and, my secret - a little teriyaki sauce, cooked low and slow (that way the collegen in the meat breaks down completely and renders a most perfect and tender chunk of meat). uuhhhh, the sight of my dutch oven, sturdy and sure of itself. waiting for me to do my thing. knowing. its's my joy.

so i added carrots, onions, and baby squash to the pot about halfway through. then, my "quick" creamed potatoes au gratin and some cabbage. the sounds (sizzle, sizzle, cling, clang), the smells.....just lovely!! the feel of my knives, tongs, ceramic peeler. heaven i tell you!

oh but it was already good before it got better! i'm the type that likes, and usually has an orderly pantry - everything in its place and maped in my mind. where every can (I even used to know how many before hte disease moved to my brain) of soup, tomatoe paste, and worcestershire sauce, or spice was or should be. i could be in the tub and juan yells upstairs to ask where's the paprika - "which one?" i would say, "sweet, smoked or regular?" tha'ts how well i knew my pantry. well, since my health took a turn last year i haven't been able to one of my most favorite things - grocery shop or cook (see previous posts). so juan's been doing the lion's share of the grocery shopping and cooking, so needless to say, my cabinets and pantries were an unholy mess .... until yesterday. yes, yesterday. what a glorious day. it was the day i cleaned out and reorganized my cabinets and pantries!!!!! O M G!! WHAT A FEELING!!

you just don't know what doing that meant/means to me. and i don't know how to explain the feeling i had while doing it, and how i feel now, when i look into my pantry and cabinets. i almost cried, but i thought better of it. just a little too dramatic, yes? after a bit of thought on this, i think it means me gaining some kind of control. control in an area that was truly mine, control that i had lost. symbolism in a way i guess, of how these diseases and all that i've gone through (and still am) have taken from me. that cleaning and organizing my pantry means this much too me. don't get me wrong. i was always anal about the pantry anyway. no big. but it means even more now. ya dig?

well, i just had to report on this. i would go into much more detail, but i am so very pooped. you have know idea what all that has taken out of me. bugger.

be well :)