Monday, November 12, 2007

killing me softly

since i've been sick, i sometimes feel like the people closest to me are trying to kill me, softly. no really. i know that sounds extreme, and for the most part they're not aware of it, so maybe the word "trying" isn't the right one to use here. but you get my drift, yes?

so who, might you ask? mom, pops, and juan. yep. them. mom, she's the obvious choice of course because her shit is a bit more sinister(see previous posts). but pop and juan aren't openly sinister, however they do know that they're buggin the hell out of me! they do things like dump they're stuff on me to fix or clean up or just plain take care of. and everything is a damn emergency! help, help, save me, save me, fix it, fix it!!


but it's not all their fault. you see, i've always been the one to fix or take care of everything for everyone. and be the peacemaker in the family. i gladly did it. because i was trained to since i was a little girl. the socicalization of a woman, i guess that's what you'd call it. i call it programming me to be a caretaker. a nurturer. teaching me how to put off my feelings, opinions, emotions for the greater good. it really was more important to care more about the other person and their needs, interests, etc. (it also didn't help to have a mom like mine! children were seen, not heard, not important). and over the years i had gotten pretty good at it. i even developed a phenomenal memory fairly young. to the point where everyone else depended on it too. people around me didn't have to think or remember because i'd do it for them (oh the irony! see previous 'health rant' posts). i became pretty damn good at figuring things out too, talking to people, just a plain smart cookie as everyone says - thank you God for that/this blessing. but yet a curse as well. most of my life has been about being pulled here, there -"angela knows... she'll handle it... ang will remember... she's the smart one... but you know how to say things.. how to talk to people, can you go talk to them for me." this shit can wear on a person. and it did. it's made me sick.

now i'm not saying my family's to blame for my health. i had allowed it, and even for a while after my diagnosis. but that was before some serious prayer and introspecion helped me realize that I had to stop all the madness. yes, everyone was selfishly pulling on me, but i had allowed it.

you teach people how to treat you.

i know i'm rambling, but bear with me, ok?.... so fast forward to last night:

pops called me on full blast, not mad at me, but hollering about some reports and spreadsheets at the office that i had our admin working on, that had nothing to do with him and what he had going on. so he kept aksing me rediculous questions about them, and absolutely would not let me answer. i couldn't get a word in at all. so i began to get that feeling i used to get when i was a little girl just trying to explain something to my dad and he wouldn't listen making me feel so very unimportant and even dumb sometimes. not a good feeling, let me tell you! so since my health flares are triggered by stress/stressfull situations and things, i snapped out of it, and told him to knock it off, that he will not talk to me that way, and if he really wanted to know what was going on, then he needed to calmn down and shut the hell up. well, i didn't actually say shut the hell up, but you know.... i wanted to so badly! he's still my dad and i don't roll like that, no matter what!

again, he wasn't mad at me at all, it was just his usual "help, i'm stressed, so fix it", or in this case "i'm stressed and i need to vent and dump on you". well no, not amymore. i can't afford it. my life is at stake. i love my family, but i will not let them kill me.

be well :)

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