Sunday, November 4, 2007

ode to ladybug

i love ladybug. she's my 5 year old daughter, lauren camille. i love her. no, I. LOVE. HER. no still. that's not enough. these words aren't enough. hmm ... i just looked up a ton of synonyms for love: adoration, tenderness, affection, devotion, on and on.... still not enough. not enough to truly capture and express what i feel for her, about her.

she makes me feel so many other things as well, that all seems to me to be related to the love, adoration, i have for her : frustration, passion, fear, confusion, anger, giuddiness, the need to protect and guard her with my life.

i find that all i want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her. smell her, well.... not smell her all the time, she's 5 after all. i love her nose, the way she pouches out her lips. the sounds she makes, hearing her make up a song about birds. watching her play by herself. i love the way she says "mommy", especially when she's up to no dowgone good. watching her sleep. especially that. how many of you check on your kids in the middle of the night while they're sleep? i do. i will wake up in and creep into her room and listen for her breathing, a light snore if she's had a full day. if i can't hear her, then i creep closer, carefully, not to wake her up. and touch her, to make sure, you know? yeah, you do.

she, for me, is pure joy.

you know what else? i love hearing her heart beat. and the fact that she's missing her two front teeth just cracks me up!! she does this thing where she sucks her bottom lip with a vengence, and juan and i are constantly telling her to stop. it makes this funky noise when she does it. and she does it in her sleep too. the suction is so amazingly strong. when she sleeps, juan and i try to pull her bottom lip out, no way!! well, we figured that when she lost her two front teeth, then that would be the end of that for, a while anyway. nope! we were at zachery's pizza (my favorite!) friday and it was all i could do watch her struggle to eat her pizza.... nothing but comedy! and she has two more teeth coming out. i don't know how we're going to feed her if she looses any more - soup? lol!

now, back to this obsession with my daughter. it's a love (of her for sure!), yes, and a gentle hate as well, but not of her. of the motherhood thing. you see, i struggle with how to be me, stay me, and be her mommy too. i realized not long after her first birthday that i will have to become a new woman in a way. combine the 'old me' along with lauren's mommy, to make a new me. i had to figure out what that meant. who would that person be. and how do i do that?

i'm still working on it, but have made some headway,reached an understanding, a compromise. it's always a compromise for us women, doesn't it seem? more on that heady subject in a later post.

i really didin't want to loose the me that i had become before i got pregnant. i was in love with that me. still am really. mid thirties at the time, feeling like i was finally getting the hang of this thing called life, where i fit in to it. great job, movin and shakin. the other (brilliant!) half of an upwardly mobile and damn handsome couple. oh yeah, and great sex too (yes, i like, well, love sex - see previous posts). then, "what do you mean i'm pregnant?!?" happens.

so anyway, there are the days, times when i just don't want to be a mommy. at all. i want to be me. just "ang" (as i like to be called). none of the responsibilities, the day to day billion little things you have to be about, think about, that go along with being a mom. but then, i hear her call me, in that way that she does... "mommy". aahhhh. quckly, quickly, falling back in love..with her....

but i was never out. i just want to press the pause button from time to time. jump out of mommydom for a little while. be ang for a minute, or several. no mommy stuff. just.... me.

well, you got me. my confession. will i feel the same way when she's 11, 13, 15 years old? i don't know (my best friend "d" has a soon to be 18 year old and i think it's not too bad?!). but for now, i'm in a total, complete, and all consuming love for my daughter. my joy. my ladybug. mmmmm.

** confession is good for the soul - even in the middle of my ode, i have already played at least 8 rounds of computer solitaire. i may need some help, huh?? **

be well :)

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