Monday, June 30, 2008
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive man is that he never follows through on agreements and promises he has made. He will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while, at the same time make it look as if he is pulling more than his own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, the woman is be made to believe that she is loved and adored by a man who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone, until it is too late. He ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through his own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems, will completely withdraw from the relationship. He will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit his own agenda, minimize or lie so that his version of what is real seems more logical.
He communicates in a vague way in an attempt to sandbag his partner. He is inconsistent and ambiguous. He will say one thing and do another and then deny ever saying the first thing. He doesn't communicate his needs and wishes in a clear way, expecting his partner to read his mind and meet his needs. After all, if she truly loved him she would just naturally know what he needs wouldn't she? He will always withhold information about how he feels or what he has been up to and you can bet he has a hidden agenda for doing so.
his ego is and can't take the slightest criticism, or what he percieves to be, and will turn it back around on his partner and attempt to make her look like the person at fault. if she confronts him about his behavior he will sulk and use silence or walk completely away leaving you to deal with the problem alone, or find a way to get back at her. a hurtful game of 'tit for tat'.
Don't ever expect him to live up to his promises, obligations and responsibilities as far as she, or the relationship, is concerned. Watch out though if he thinks she's done something to him though. He will dole out punishment that outweighs the crime and she will feel as if she's been hit in the heart with a sledge hammer. He will become excessive in his need to get back at her and can obsess on it until he feels that she's been dealt with properly.
Beware, a passive aggressive man will pull the rug out from under your life and as you lay with your head spinning. he will deny any accusations of anger you make toward him and turn them all back on you. He is a genius when it comes to appearing innocent and only having good intentions and he does this in an attempt to have you believe that he is only acting with your best interest in mind. He will NEVER admit to any wrongdoing, will make subtle ambiguous statements then deny altogether any hurtful intent. He will also do little subtle hurtful things like being late for a dinner date or forgetting your birthday, then deny any harmful intent, accusing the you of being overly sensitive. His game is to "get back" at someone he feels has wronged him by refusing any kind of cooperation with them. He will feign ignorance when confronted and will appear to be very hurt that you could think he would purposefully or intentionally do anything hurtful.
He never looks internally to examine his role in a problem. He has to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. He lives in denial of his self-destructive behavior, the consequences of that behavior and the choices he has made that causes all his pain. He will turn his focus toward others and all the wrongs they have done to him. He feels immense anger and aggression because, in his mind, everyone else is crazy. All this aggression and anger is expressed indirectly and covertly, and at great emotional harm/cost to anyone attached to him.
The passive aggressive man shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others unless it fits his agenda to do so. To him you are an object to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. That's it. He will stand in the way of you getting what you need and will then ignore or minimize your hurt feelings and anger. He has no idea how to compromise in a relationship and when faced with the demand that he make a compromise you will get the silent treatment. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved in getting his own needs met and not facing his own fears. He is angry where he shouldn't be and not angry where he should be. He gives away his personal power when he doesn't trust his feelings, he manipulates people with kindness, he makes excuses for those who deserve no excuses, and he displaces his angry feelings onto those who have done nothing to hurt him. He will regard a well-intended person with contempt based on his displaced anger and react in self-defeating ways. He is confused and can't understand why women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if he must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over becoming dependent on someone else. He wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence to his partner. He absolutely can't be with anyone emotionally. He wants love and attention but avoids it because he fears it will destroy him. The man with passive aggressive actions is a master manipulator when it comes to getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He's very talented at getting her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. How? He may give into her and clean up his act for several weeks after a blow up, but then it's back to business as usual.
- written by cathy meyer, and angela
these words are not all mine, however the feelings and experience is.
be well :)
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
we had a girls date night. dinner, several drinks (yes!), then a movie - sex and the city. it was great. it was a mix of bday and just plain hanging out. and it was a really good time. with my shan.
i've known shan for a long while now. since i don't kow when though really. i just know she was still in high school i think. i was already back in atlanta, or in new york. our moms work together are decent friends. in these last several years or so, shan has become so very important to me. even more than 'like' a little sister. the thing is, is that i don't know when. but i know how. we've become close because she has such a warm, caring, genuine, selfless way about her. you know, all those words. but she is those words. the meaning of those words. and is so humble and matter a fact about it. because she is those words. i love her.
shan has a way of keeping up with me. we'll have these 'check ins' every few weeks or so. and when i'm under the weather, or getting ansy and climbing the walls (she has a keen sense about that with me!), she'll come rescue me and off we go, to the starbucks down the street for chit chat and great company. and we talk about all sorts of stuff. she's such a great listener.
i love her. truly. deeply. and i respect and admire her. and her courage. especially now. she's going through a rough patch right now and has had to make some tough decisions. ones that i'm certain many of us couldn't make. there's somehing about her. really. very special. and i love her.
you see, i am just so blessed. blessed with wonderful people in my life like my shan. and i do hope and wish that you all are blessed to have someone in your life like my shan.
i love you shan :)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
let's see, most of last week is a big blur - really. now i do remember that my little jackie joyner-kersee/flo jo/althea gibson, bka ladybug, had a two day track meet last friday and saturday in tulare, ca which is very near fresno, about 4 hours away. HOT as HELL! it's in the california valley - all farmland. we loaded up the T5 (so sexy!) with teh lawn chairs, snacks, drinks and other misc. sutff the the two day adventure.
now, in the course of this trip, juan came oh so very close to getting my cane wrapped around his neck. i know i've talked a bit about how crazy he can be, and subsiquintly, how crazy he could (notice.. past tenst) make me. but i know know if i've talked about the fact that i've come to the realization that, in addition to his ocd/anxiety issues, he's got some real passive aggressive stuff going on too. fun. i'll leave this topic to another post. promise.
so, back to the cane getting wraped around the neck... like i was saying, he was ocd'ing while gettign ready to leave and i was starting to get sick because of it, so i thought seriously for a moment about not going, which i think that that's what he wanted. lol :) but no, i had missed her last out of town meet because that was chemo weekend, and she made it very clear that i was to be there... by her highness' command. so i grit my teeth, put my cane out of reach, and bared it.
my girl did fantastic!! she placed 2nd in the 200m, 3rd or fourth in the 400m, which is the first time she ran that event and in 105 degree heat! and then 3rd in the 100m. no 4x100 relay. i am so proud of her because this is her first organized anything, the pracices are a bit much for her age (3xweek til 7pm - she's normally in the bed by 7:30), and she's running against 7 and 8 year olds. so she's smaller and younger! go baby!!!
now, what else have i been up to? oh yeah, took a trip to the emergency room yesterday... and all is well. i had a bout with severe vomiting. just another hurdle, and i'm over it (wink, wink*). so now i'm just hanging out til round 3 and 4 on thursday/friday.
what did i do for father's day? stay tuned......
be well :)
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
i am so very overwhelmed, awed, greatful, humbled, and blessed by your words. your sweet words. your words have encouraged me. uplifted me. prepared me and shielded me. they came/come at a time when i so very needed them
oh how i want to go on now to explain what you all have done for me this time, but, i am so very exhausted. i mean the kind of exhaustion where you are dilerious. for those of you who've had babies... do you remember that exhaustion where you felt like you were to tired to even breathe? right. plus i'm sitting here nodding off as i try to type.
so as juan comes over and sits down to 'stare' at me so i'll get his point, i'll wind down and post the rest tmrw.
I THANK YOU ALL SO VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH. I FEEL YOUR PRAYERS HOLDING ME, LIFTING ME, ENCOURAGING ME. I FEEL ALL OF YOU GENTLE WILLFUL LOVE AND HOPE AND DETERMINATION FOR ME. and i draw from this, because this is how i've gotten through. this is how i WILL get through.
*** LOL!! i nodded off!! ok, i've got to sign off now.. i'll check in later, maybe tomorrow before my chemo funk sets in, lol.
I LOVE YOU ALL !!!
be well :)
thank you all so very, very much. you have no idea. i know that the power of prayer heals. it's why i'm still here. i am so very blessed! oh shucks!! more fussing from you know who...
i've got to go now. i just had to say thanks. i'll post again when i get home.
and to my sweet sweet love, the ulitmate warrior queen. babz. *tears* i love you!
*** he left me so i'm back....
that husband of mine, i tell you!! he was stomping around upstairs, while yelling "let's go!!". i was all ready (because that's how i am!) just typing this post. well, he see's that i'm on the computer and then declares " i thought you were down here waiting on me!" and of course didn't hear what i said about being ready. so then he says he'll just have to take lauren camille and come back and get me. honestly, i didn't say a word because he's stressed, and i don't want to make it any worse, and... i wanted to finishe this post!
i'll be back later!
with much love!!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
i don't think i've ever discussed what it is that i do. so i will now tell you what that is. i am a certified professional life coach. i primarily help women gain clarity, and make important decisions about things that are critically important to them, then set goals and develop action plans in order to take the necessary steps to reach them. my main focus is in the areas of work/life balance and time management, financial, and career issues. for me it's all about making the commitment to yourself to take care of yourself. we women are all so busy taking care of everyone else, putting everyone else and their needs/requrements before our own, along with not being able to say the word "no", that we are actually killing ourselves. ok, i'll get off my soap box for now and save it for another post (see this post for a bigger taste). just know that i love helping women discover their own power and creating action plans to help them use it!!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
as i've said time and time again, i'm not eloquent. i'm not a writer. so my words will fall short of truly, accurately, meaningfully describing what this moment means to me. what this moment may mean to many.
right now, i am thinking of my great aunt jean in pensacola, florida who, at 74 years old, has seen quite a bit in her life - in house telephones and bathrooms; affordable personal automobiles; the civil rights movement; regular space travel; the feminist movement; the (seemingly) blurring of the color line; the internet age; cell phones. yes, quite a bit. **more tears**
she is now baring witness to history once again. she has lived her life, like so many, believing, knowing that it was not a possiblity for a man like Barack Obama to have an opportunity to become the President of the United States of America. how sweet this moment must be for her. i grew up knowing that it is possible for someone like Barack Obama, or like my father, or, even, a woman like me, to have the chance to become President of these United States. how sweet this moment is for me. for my little brother. my parents. my 6 year old daughter. for so many.
*** it is now the day after - june 4th***
i am baring witness to history as well now too. it's different now. the sun is brighter. the trees are greener. music is sweeter. my smile is bigger. my comfy blue sofa is bluer and softer. it's different now. i'm high. high on hope.
be well... be hopeful :)
it's still a work in progress, especially since juan called me up moments ago and said, basically, to 'get it done'. love a man in charge, lol!! so i just very quickly posted some pic's. i'm still working on my watermark and copywrite stuff, but please check it out! and if you want to purchase or place an order for anything, please let me know, i will be more than happy to take care of you!
also, i will start conducting classes, once i get my wits about me after chemo.
be well :)
Sunday, June 1, 2008
but cook? nope. and i am feeling it in a major way. my all clads are calling. the knives quietly whisper. the cuisinart stares longingly. the stove. oh my stove... it's quite possible that they all won't speak to me when i return due to neglect and subjecting them to juan (i know babz, i can't say anything bad about him, so... don't read this part!).
i've got to cook soon or i'm gonna go crazy!!
so here's the plan... i'm going to call my 'lil sis shan and bribe her with gas money (hell, it's about $4.20 or so in these parts!) and a hot cooked meal to take me to whole foods or trader joe's to pick up some much needed groceries.
must digress for a moment..... so babz, stop reading now.... as you all know, i'm very limited with my driving, and well, really shouldn't be driving at all, therefore juan has been doing all the food shopping. and you know what that means.... just the very basics - bread, juice, pasta, and lots of canned goods, along with lots of little debbies, gatoraide, cookies, chocolate covered raisins and other what nots. don't get me wrong, juan really does a fantastic job, most of the time. but he's a man. and like i've said in my previous post, i want to do the grocery shopping. i like to do the grocery shopping.
you can start reading again babz...
i'm gonna pic a few good dishes for the upcoming week, make a fabulous grocery list, come home and cook my heart out!! let's see... a stuffed roasted pork loin with cabbage and apples and maybe some confetti rice. then maybe some salmon with lemon, caper and garlic sauce with augratin potatoes and asparagus. how about stuffed pasta shells with ground turkey and cheeses in a garlic cream sauce with a litlle bit of red wine red sauce too. hmmm a good 'ole fashioned herb roasted chicken or beef roast with creamy mashed yukon gold mashed potatoes and some spinach may do the trick too.
i've got to do this before i start chemo next week. i'll keep you posted!
be well :)