Monday, June 30, 2008

lifting the mask

The man with passive aggressive behavior has to have someone to be the object of his covert hostility. He needs a woman whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from in childhood. He can never be angry or show anger but he will stick it to her in under-handed ways. he chooses a woman who agrees to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. She, of course, has no idea she has agreed to this until it is way too late to turn back. He will resist giving her what she wants and needs which will set up a pattern of frustration in her and she will end up expressing the anger that he is unable to.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive man is that he never follows through on agreements and promises he has made. He will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while, at the same time make it look as if he is pulling more than his own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, the woman is be made to believe that she is loved and adored by a man who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone, until it is too late. He ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through his own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems, will completely withdraw from the relationship. He will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit his own agenda, minimize or lie so that his version of what is real seems more logical.

He communicates in a vague way in an attempt to sandbag his partner. He is inconsistent and ambiguous. He will say one thing and do another and then deny ever saying the first thing. He doesn't communicate his needs and wishes in a clear way, expecting his partner to read his mind and meet his needs. After all, if she truly loved him she would just naturally know what he needs wouldn't she? He will always withhold information about how he feels or what he has been up to and you can bet he has a hidden agenda for doing so.

his ego is and can't take the slightest criticism, or what he percieves to be, and will turn it back around on his partner and attempt to make her look like the person at fault. if she confronts him about his behavior he will sulk and use silence or walk completely away leaving you to deal with the problem alone, or find a way to get back at her. a hurtful game of 'tit for tat'.

Don't ever expect him to live up to his promises, obligations and responsibilities as far as she, or the relationship, is concerned. Watch out though if he thinks she's done something to him though. He will dole out punishment that outweighs the crime and she will feel as if she's been hit in the heart with a sledge hammer. He will become excessive in his need to get back at her and can obsess on it until he feels that she's been dealt with properly.

Beware, a passive aggressive man will pull the rug out from under your life and as you lay with your head spinning. he will deny any accusations of anger you make toward him and turn them all back on you. He is a genius when it comes to appearing innocent and only having good intentions and he does this in an attempt to have you believe that he is only acting with your best interest in mind. He will NEVER admit to any wrongdoing, will make subtle ambiguous statements then deny altogether any hurtful intent. He will also do little subtle hurtful things like being late for a dinner date or forgetting your birthday, then deny any harmful intent, accusing the you of being overly sensitive. His game is to "get back" at someone he feels has wronged him by refusing any kind of cooperation with them. He will feign ignorance when confronted and will appear to be very hurt that you could think he would purposefully or intentionally do anything hurtful.

He never looks internally to examine his role in a problem. He has to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. He lives in denial of his self-destructive behavior, the consequences of that behavior and the choices he has made that causes all his pain. He will turn his focus toward others and all the wrongs they have done to him. He feels immense anger and aggression because, in his mind, everyone else is crazy. All this aggression and anger is expressed indirectly and covertly, and at great emotional harm/cost to anyone attached to him.

The passive aggressive man shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others unless it fits his agenda to do so. To him you are an object to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. That's it. He will stand in the way of you getting what you need and will then ignore or minimize your hurt feelings and anger. He has no idea how to compromise in a relationship and when faced with the demand that he make a compromise you will get the silent treatment. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved in getting his own needs met and not facing his own fears. He is angry where he shouldn't be and not angry where he should be. He gives away his personal power when he doesn't trust his feelings, he manipulates people with kindness, he makes excuses for those who deserve no excuses, and he displaces his angry feelings onto those who have done nothing to hurt him. He will regard a well-intended person with contempt based on his displaced anger and react in self-defeating ways. He is confused and can't understand why women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if he must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over becoming dependent on someone else. He wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence to his partner. He absolutely can't be with anyone emotionally. He wants love and attention but avoids it because he fears it will destroy him. The man with passive aggressive actions is a master manipulator when it comes to getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He's very talented at getting her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. How? He may give into her and clean up his act for several weeks after a blow up, but then it's back to business as usual.

- written by cathy meyer, and angela

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these words are not all mine, however the feelings and experience is.


be well :)

5 comments:

CapCity said...

Sending u hugz!!! I may not always comment but I often peek in;-)! Stay ENCOURAGED, Sis!

Lovebabz said...

WOW!

When you see it laid out like this..the light bulb goes ON!

I knew and know men like this. I learned early on to avoid men like this.

I may repost this on my site when I get back from vacation!

Good stuff!

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

WOW! I was reading this shaking my head and going yep, yep, yep. This totally explains my ex. I used to say he had a "knight in shining armor" complex.

Did this come from a book?

Agreeing with Capcity...stay encouraged and keep your faith.

Princess Tinybutt said...

hey cap, thanks so much for your hugs, i love them. i'm always lurking 'round yur site too, :)

hey babz and kay c, this begain as a paragraph or two of an artical by cathy meyer, and i've added my own stuff here and there over teh years. sure, you can repost, since at this point, most of the stuff is mine.

my friends and i call it the "captain save-a-honey syndrome", lol!

Lovebabz said...

I love it...yes Captain-Save-A-Honey!

So many Men are this type. (sigh)