Friday, June 6, 2008
end of day two
well, i'm halfway there. yay!!! the seconday, which is the drug cytoxan, is always hard for me, but i'm done for now. and the sun is still shinning. it's a beautiful day today.
i actually have a great time. as great of a time as you can when getting chemo. the staff is just fantastic. i mean really. a great group of nurses who've been with me since almost the beginning. they make me feel so good (and no, it's just because of the good drugs, lol!), and take such great care of me that it's hard to feel bad when i'm there. plus, the other patients are great too! many of them are may truly be on their last leg, some of them are very elderly. i think i'm part of the youngest in the group, at least on the days i've gone.
we talk, share stories and experiences, compare different medications, different treatments and medical trials, battle scares, and laugh. oh god do we laugh! it's actually fun, in between the getting up every 20 minutes to go to the bathroom, and the pain, and the blood pressure checks. just about everyone there that i've had the pleasure to come across, and know, is fighting in some form or fashion for their life. so when we get together, there's no sadness, no talk of death. it's not a depressing sight - a room full of chemotherapy patients. we are all there, in some form or fashion, fighting for our lives, and we all know that. so there's no reason, no time, no need for sadness.
so yes, we actually, usually, have a good time. it's so encouraging, so strengthening, so inspiring about it.seeing other's in their struggle. there's usually at least one person there "sicker" than me, and is so joyful, full of life! and these are the only reasons why i look forward to chemo. the nurses, the patients. and i love them. these are some of the reasons why i get through it.
i don't always like to talk about going through chemo. as i've told you just know, the start of it isn't bad at all. but for me, chemo is all that they say, or you think it is. awful. just awful. and then worse still worse than that. and i hate it. but, like i've said before, i also love it. because it keeps me alive in a way. and it awfulness passes. it always does. and i always get through it. so there it is.
a member of the hospital chaplaincy staff came by to chat, and i really didn't feel like it at that moment, the cytoxan was really staring to kick in. but i spoke with him anyway. that's me (and it's something that drives juan crazy about me-he doesn't understand why i do that). we talked about many things, but what struck me was when he said that he sees that i don't give in to my suffering enough as i should, that my suffering is blessing and that it's ok to dwell on it, that it's a calling on my heart, my spirit, to bless and be blessed. and it brings me closer to god. i say that struck me hard. i'm still chewing on it actually, and probably will be for a minute. because he's right in that no, i don't dwell on, in, my suffering much at all really. i guess i see it as a bad thing in a way, and, well, it scares me told him. it scares me to think about how bad it really is. and i don't have time for that. he said something like fear is at the heart of a good fight. baamm! struck again. i think i get what he's saying basically. but help me with this if you can.
so there, once again, blessings. blessings all around me. no, i can't be mad at my situation for long. because i am just so blessed. how can i stand it?
well, here are some pic's of day one. i was feeling too yucky today to be bothered. the group pick is of me and all the nurses, but there's one missing.. harjinder. i love her so much too. like a mama in a way. she has a way of looking into you and seeing your pain and suffering, then gently touching you so it eases or goes away. laying hands she does. then there's one of me and my daddy, he's so faithful. he's there everyday and get's a bit of attention too - isn't he fine!! then of me getting my 'feel good juice', checking my port, there's the pump 'pushing' the iv's at 400, which is fast too me because it has me going to the bathroom every 20 minutes! lol!!
i will go rest now, give me a few days, however, i've got some new pic's of cards to post on my inkyfingers site... i'll do that latter, lol!!! i'm in very good spirits :)
be well :)