Friday, June 6, 2008

end of day two

well, i'm halfway there. yay!!! the seconday, which is the drug cytoxan, is always hard for me, but i'm done for now. and the sun is still shinning. it's a beautiful day today.
i actually have a great time. as great of a time as you can when getting chemo. the staff is just fantastic. i mean really. a great group of nurses who've been with me since almost the beginning. they make me feel so good (and no, it's just because of the good drugs, lol!), and take such great care of me that it's hard to feel bad when i'm there. plus, the other patients are great too! many of them are may truly be on their last leg, some of them are very elderly. i think i'm part of the youngest in the group, at least on the days i've gone.
we talk, share stories and experiences, compare different medications, different treatments and medical trials, battle scares, and laugh. oh god do we laugh! it's actually fun, in between the getting up every 20 minutes to go to the bathroom, and the pain, and the blood pressure checks. just about everyone there that i've had the pleasure to come across, and know, is fighting in some form or fashion for their life. so when we get together, there's no sadness, no talk of death. it's not a depressing sight - a room full of chemotherapy patients. we are all there, in some form or fashion, fighting for our lives, and we all know that. so there's no reason, no time, no need for sadness.
so yes, we actually, usually, have a good time. it's so encouraging, so strengthening, so inspiring about it.seeing other's in their struggle. there's usually at least one person there "sicker" than me, and is so joyful, full of life! and these are the only reasons why i look forward to chemo. the nurses, the patients. and i love them. these are some of the reasons why i get through it.

i don't always like to talk about going through chemo. as i've told you just know, the start of it isn't bad at all. but for me, chemo is all that they say, or you think it is. awful. just awful. and then worse still worse than that. and i hate it. but, like i've said before, i also love it. because it keeps me alive in a way. and it awfulness passes. it always does. and i always get through it. so there it is.

a member of the hospital chaplaincy staff came by to chat, and i really didn't feel like it at that moment, the cytoxan was really staring to kick in. but i spoke with him anyway. that's me (and it's something that drives juan crazy about me-he doesn't understand why i do that). we talked about many things, but what struck me was when he said that he sees that i don't give in to my suffering enough as i should, that my suffering is blessing and that it's ok to dwell on it, that it's a calling on my heart, my spirit, to bless and be blessed. and it brings me closer to god. i say that struck me hard. i'm still chewing on it actually, and probably will be for a minute. because he's right in that no, i don't dwell on, in, my suffering much at all really. i guess i see it as a bad thing in a way, and, well, it scares me told him. it scares me to think about how bad it really is. and i don't have time for that. he said something like fear is at the heart of a good fight. baamm! struck again. i think i get what he's saying basically. but help me with this if you can.

so there, once again, blessings. blessings all around me. no, i can't be mad at my situation for long. because i am just so blessed. how can i stand it?
well, here are some pic's of day one. i was feeling too yucky today to be bothered. the group pick is of me and all the nurses, but there's one missing.. harjinder. i love her so much too. like a mama in a way. she has a way of looking into you and seeing your pain and suffering, then gently touching you so it eases or goes away. laying hands she does. then there's one of me and my daddy, he's so faithful. he's there everyday and get's a bit of attention too - isn't he fine!! then of me getting my 'feel good juice', checking my port, there's the pump 'pushing' the iv's at 400, which is fast too me because it has me going to the bathroom every 20 minutes! lol!!
i will go rest now, give me a few days, however, i've got some new pic's of cards to post on my inkyfingers site... i'll do that latter, lol!!! i'm in very good spirits :)
be well :)


Lance said...

good morning PTB, just passin' by to say hi and stay blessed. you're in our thoughts and prayers and remember...never quit!

beyond the prayers, is there any thing you would like? (sounds like you have a wonderful family support unit by your side) but now here's that igg'nant side of the family, the cybernuts...okay, okay, maybe that's just me (the igg'nant one) but is there anything?

Lovebabz said...

Hye I love the photos! You look beautiful! I mean really beautiful. You have a big pretty smile!

That's a damned good camera phone!

I appreciate your candor and yor willingness to take US with you on this journey!

You know you in my prayers all day long!

Yes your Dad is FINE!

Princess Tinybutt said...

hey lance! i tried to email you, so i'm glad you checked in. i wanted to say thanks to you for sending me your good wishes and prayers. i appreciate you very much.

hey babz! thanks for stopping by. you know, what you've said about being willing to take you all along on my journey. it's interesting, i had a brief talk about this with my girl glo. and how for so long i didn't want to talk about it, not even tell anyone about it. and i see now how i've struggled because of it. and now i'm going to do a post about it once i come out of my chemo funk.

thanks friends.

Anonymous said...

FEAR IS AT THE HEART OF A GOOD FIGHT. It's so true, my dear. The mom's who pick up cars from the top of their kids. The men who fight of bears to save a loved one. The lovely woman who get angry as hell because she can an ugly disease she has to fight with her that's in her... fear gives you the strength to fight it through, it gives you the might to be strong, and make sure you win.

Fight, my friend. I have cards to make with you and tea to drink with you still. Our time will come.

ps, yup, daddy dear IS hot! LOL! And he cooks? I have GOT to meet him!

CapCity said...

i can't say enough how much a BLESSING u r to me, Sistah Princess. And ummmm, yo' Daddy IZ so foine!

I hope u don't mind i'm gonna cross blog this/repost this at capcha'd luv! Hugz Li'l Mama!

Princess Tinybutt said...

hey glo. wow. yes, thanks. that's how i feel my fear now. i use to be afraid of it. well, still am really. but i understand it now. just as you put it in your comment. thank you my friend.

hey cap! glad yr back safe and sound, and glad to know that my second home treated you right! i'm missing it badly.

love you :)