Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Last bit of holiday

so yes, it's been a couple of weeks. sorry. been in a very contemplative mood, will post on that later.

meanwhile, here are a few more pics from the holdays. as i said before, i baked my head off, and here are some pics of how i packaged the treats i made. the next set are of juan and ladybug - he took her ice skating at union square in san francisco. they had a blast! then the last group are of all the wonderful holiday and christmas cards we got. i love them! oh, and you get see what a pair of clowns i have.

enjoy :)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

in love with mr. fix it

ladybug was with my mommy dearest for the last few days, so hubby and i had some great quality time together.... just hanging out, lots of laughing, and doing what we do best (catch my drift..? *wicked smile*)

we didn't do much really, watched a few movie classics (our fav's) from netflix, got some take out from one of our favorite local spots that does a mean fried chicken. got up the next day and did some window shopping (he let me go without my wheelchair! eventhough it was in the trunk). but mainly, we just talked. and laughed. and teased each other about everything from 'back in the day when....'. and was just together. fun.
yes, he can be very difficult - sunsign leo different, and is the epitome of passive aggressiveness (more often than not). we've been together for about 17 years now, married for most of them. so yes, we have our issues, hell, i have my own (many of you know that i am a hoot and a mess!). i know that more often than not, juan has asked god what in the hell has he gotten himself into with me. but still, he can be a hot mess. and at times i find myself looking for our attorney's number because i'm ready to wrap my cane around his neck ...(just kidding babz!) but, the sex is great. and he's cute. and he really is a good guy. and, well... i love him. *sigh* god help me.
and he loves me. which is why i'm even more inspired to write about him today. like many of you already know, my other serious love affair is with my car (my T5) and driving it. i just love it, and as with ladybug, all the posts i've done about it just doesn't serve it justice (search T5 and see!). so over the summer, juan and i were rear ended in a 3 car hit and run as we were cruisin' through napa valley (only 35 minutes away - are you jealous?? lol), and the dashboard snapped or something. know one was hurt thank god, and other than the dashboard, there was no other damage - my T5 is no joke! we took it to the dealership for a once over, just to make sure, and they gave a structural and body thumbs up. just the dash, which they sent us to the body shop for estimates. we didn't like the amount they were talking, and rattling wasn't too bad... at the time. we didn't bother the our insurance company (gieco, which i love) mainly becuase the poor litle pregnant girl who hit us didn't have insurance, and it wasn't her fault in the first place. the guy hit her!
so we just left well enough alone.... til one day i just could'nt take it anymore. the squeeking has gotten so back that it makes me feel like i'm ridding in a hooptie, like i wanna jump out of the window! yes, my baby is only 8 years old, but she's in phenomenal shape! she's an extremely limited edition - only 1300 made in black in the world, with a racing engine (she can take out a porche without blinking - well, maybe tie) with 302 horsies under the hood (the 2008 porsche carrera has 325 i think) and she's as smooth as butter, they didn't make these engine specs for us market at all. i get purchase offers all the time! i just couldn't take it anymore!!
well, guess what my man is outside doing right now as i type??!!?? take a look....

he's just getting started here

yes, that's my makeup bag on the floor

yep, he's got the tools

ooh, this is hard for me to take!

oh, my baby!
oh, the agony...

this is my T5

yep, he loves me... i'll keep you posted!

be welll :)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

still recovering... and happy kwanzaa!

greetings and happy kwanzaa!

i hope everyone is having a very wonderful and safe holiday season.

whew! i've had a very busy week and i've been so exhausted, but am recovering. it all began with ladybugs school christmas program, then i had to make and decorate tons of cookies for her class party. i rested for a couple of days before i realized that i had not realized that christmas was just a few days away! oh dear!! i had to get back to baking again. lots more cookies - my jelly rolls, lemony lemon shortbreads, and chocolate truffles. oh yeah, and what were we gonna have for christmas dinner..?? uhg.

well, here are a few pic's of my holiday week. i'll try to add captions. one quick note.. ladybug has discovered barbie. yes, barbie. and is totally in love. now, i've always had barbie issues - back in te day 'black barbie' didn't look like me. where i grew up all the hispanics bought 'black barbie' because thats what she looked like. i guess the mattel just took the regular white barbie and spray painted her tan, and that was it. and hubby is totally against the girl. i mean like she's the anti christ. but i realized that times have changed 'black barbie', she now looks like an african american. she looks like my girlfrinds, women i went to school with, colleagues. hell... me! so, i tried to convince hubby that we shouldn't deny our child this rite of girlhood. that we (he!) needed to unpack that baggage, and get over it. well, actually, i didn't try to convince him of anything. i didn't give a damn what he thought about it anymore. my baby was to have a barbie! and my baby got a barbie. her barbie. and the picture here doesn't even come close to doing justice the look on her face when she opened that present. ahh... satisfaction. love. i'm a mommy.

oh, and for dinner we wound up having a wonderful beef roast with rosemary, tyme, and garlic braised in red wine and beef broth, with fresh green beans carmelized with shallots and garlic, along with my potatoe gratin. heaven!


ps.... i don't want to see another damn cookie for at least, hmmm.... a week or so! be well :)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

the day i entered this life - MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

well, it's the end of the day. a wonderful day really. after a week of non stop rain, the sun came out in a brilliant show with blue, blue skies. yes, a great day.

we 3 got up, opened presents, and then began the day. very uneventful. i just finished some baking - mmmm, chocolate truffles spiked with grand marnier (pictures tomorrow), covered in toated almonds, walnuts, crushed peppermints, and hazelnuts....yum! and talked to several friends and family. had a few visiters. again, not much going on. very low key. only....

only......... it's my birthday. yep. the day i entered this life. and i don't have much to say really (which is a first!!) just that i'm very happy. content. peaceful. thankful. blessed.

i was in my element really. i the kitchen. juan on the sofa chilling. ladybug afoot with her tons of her questions! "can i help?! can i help?!"pots clanging. fancy utensils and gadgets here and there. i was busy making gift baskets for others, those in need, some nieghbors. friends. love it. but had to stop - i just hate that i didn't get to make as many as i would liked. because yes, i did too much. yes juan fussed at me. but hey, i'm gonna do what i do baby!

so, like i said. a very quiet day. but one of the best days of my life. because it is my birthday.

i shall be telling my doctors that they were wrong...again. wrong about me not be here to see it. i begin to cry as i type. now i'm laughing. at my doctors.

i have a great life!

i am wishing you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS. i hope its a safe, happy, and love-filled one.


i made it!

be well :)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

not feeling it

hey there!

i do hope your holidays are going wonderfully?!

i've finally caught the spirit, though half heartedly, after a major delay in feeling it. i don't know what's up, but it might as well be march. we just got our tree yesterday, partly because i wasn't feeling it, and secondly the fact that it's been raining like crazy and i HATE wet trees. it's a childhood thing. it rained and hailed so hard that i thought god was coming! it was about 9:30 pm last thursday when we heard the cracking/popping sound. like someone was throwing rocks against the windows and breaking in our skylight. juan and i opened the front door and just stood there in amazement. quarter sized hail. a real phenomenon here in my little corner of the world.

so, the tree is up. that's it. nary a light, a wreath, or anything all sparkly glowie is up. normally this is my most favoritest time of the year! it's the best time of the year! but i'm just not feeling it. and i don't know why.

hey, it's also my birthday. yep. december 25th. 5:20 am.

maybe it's because i've been in a very reflective mood for the last month or so. deeply. i've been chewing on quite a bit. my life, ya know? i've always wanted to be forty. even as an older teenager i'd always felt that life began at forty, and that ones forties would be, are, fabulous. you got lifes instructions and directions in your 20's. then you worked to figure them them out as best you could in your 30's. and then, when you hit your 40's, you'd really start to know what the hell to do with all that stuff and shit - how to be. so, i looked forward to them, anxiously. ready to be all that and truly fabulous. ready to truly be grown.

hmpf. is there such a thing really? ever?

well, my forties are here. been here for only a minute. and it's now how i thought it would be. i'm not how i thought i'd be. and i now realize that i am struggling with this. and i welcome it. because it means that i am in the process of becoming bigger, badder, and better than i've ever been. than i could ever imagine. i feel it. i know it. and again, i welcome it.

be well :)

Monday, December 15, 2008

temporary detour

ok, i've been a bad, bad girl. but so what!

i decided to disappear for a little bit just because i wanted to. i wanted to see what it felt like to just not do anything. i kept in minimum contact (had to because there are a few of you out there that would kill me if i just dropped off the face of the earth!), but basically.... i let the phone ring. no card making or scrapbooking. most emails and texts went unanswered. no blogging. rearranged a few client sessions. no twittering.

i read, sleeped, cooked, watched some movie classics with bette davis, and enjoy my ladybug and my husband. also, i prayed. i'm still praying. i am praying not just for all the people and things i normally pray for. but i am now praying for me. i realized that i never really prayed for myself. i always thought that was wrong. selfish. even in my sickness, i still prayed for others.

i've had a tough few months since my surgery in september. yes tough physically, but tough emotionally. tougher than i thought or realized, until i was home alone taking a shower about two weeks ago.

while feeling the warmth of the water all over my body, watching the water and soap swirl in the tub and then down the drain... i realized that i was drowning. slowly drowning. all my essence slipping away. in my fight to keep from being angry and bitter and always whinning and complaining about sick and what's been stolen from me - to keep from being that person - i became choked by it all.

then i began to actually feel like i was choking, right there in the shower. i thought my one half good lung was finally going as i coughed for air. a jolt of fear gripped me, i was home alone. then a wave of sadness and pain washed over me and i dropped down to my knees in the tub and i cried. i cried hard. i curled up at the back of the tub and let the water wash over me, mixing with my tears, as i cried.

i cried for me. for my life. for what i've lost. i cried for realizing that i was becoming .... i don't know what to say it really (because of my word finding issues), so bare with me... becoming someone who has turned away from life. from living life. oh my goodness.

once i realized this, i became embarrased. yep. right there on the bottom of the tub. cheeks hot with embarrassment, you'd have thought someone saw me naked - naaah, i'm an exhibitionist, lol. not that i was wailing away at the bottom of the tub, but that i, me, angela, was turning into a shrinking violet. day after day in my house, barely talking to anyone except clients. not even participating in ladybugs school/class functions. turning away from life. that's not me world.

i told myself "stop it!! just stop it angela!!" and i did. it is now the end of my temporary detour from the road to becoming my authentic self.

so, these last two weeks i've spent with me. praying. i am now praying. praying for me and that i can take all my emotions - my anger, my fear, my pain, my sadness, my feelings of being lost - as energy and power to transform. i've always done it before. this shouldn't be any different.

aahh. i feel so very much better now.