aarrgggg!!!! I JUST CAN'T STAND MY MOTHER !!!!! she is a narcissistic self absorbed angry woman who's never satisfied with anything (no way to please her unless it's her way, and even then, it's a ?), and thinks that my dad (her ex hubby), my younger brother and i (hell, the world for that matter!) owes her because her life has not turned out according to the ozzie and harriet script. oh, did i mention the GULT trip she is masterful at laying?
my goodness... where to start?!?
well, here i go...she's a quickly approaching 60 year old divorcee (for almost thirty years now...) with two wonderful children, girl (me!) and a boy 8 years younger, who are responsible, educated adults, married with children and doing well in the world. oh, did i mention the guilt trip?
i just don't understand. and i realize that somethings just aren't meant to be understood. it's not like i was a bad kid. or that i had a hard childhood. or that i was beaten. actually, i was a pretty good kid - good grades, helpful, etc., and i wasn't beaten, and my childhood was no harder or easier than any other average middleclass kid, child of a reletively uneventful divorce, growing up in the late, late seventies and eighties.
so now that we're clear on those things, i'll try to proceeed succinctly. moms always treated me like i was in the way, or a burden, or that i caused her a certain amount of inconvenience. for example, i was born at 5:20am on christmas a happy time doubly so, right? nope. i've had to hear, until a few years ago, about how awful it was for her to be having a baby on christmas. i'm almost forty years old!! let it go!!! so of course i have tons of other anectdotes like that. did i mention the guilt trip?
i grew up hearing about how hard of a life she's had or how much she's had to sacrafice either in general ("i didn't had the opportunity to go to college; the only options for me back then were to ger married or get a job". or the other version,"i had a scholorship to go to college, but your grandfather said it wasn't necessary for me to go to school because i had to work" or something like that ), or supposedly for me (" i worked my butt off to make sure you've had everything you ever needed or wanted" or "to put you through college", or "i've bent over backwards to make sure that i would have a better relationship with my daughter than i had with my mother". whatever. major guilt trip layer on-er.
it never failed. she would always kick me to the curb or leave me hanging in some way, form, or fashion. usually to be vindictive. to get back at my dad, or me in some way because she percieved in her crazy ass head that i had done some thing to "get" her. that's how she thinks still. for another example. it was senior year. i had worked all summer as i had done since i was 12yo to earn my little money for the school year, because, according to mom, there are no free rides. plus, i never wanted to be caught in her crosshairs with nothing. so anyway, i was supposed to go to my jr prom and ended up not going. my uncle and one of his many, many dumb girlfriends were over visiting. i was leading them into the family room when my mom called me. i said 'just a minute mom, be right there'. my finger was bleeding badly and we had snow white carpet in the livingroom, so i went to get some tissue to keep from tracking blood on her precious carpet.
well, she screamed at me to "come here right now!!" in that awful, shrill voice of hers. i came of course, bleeding, and then she slapped the shit out of me. almost litterally, i wet myself. then she said for me to never ever tell her 'just a minute'. i was not allowed to explain. that was it. in her mind i had embarrased her in front of people, plus, she was in one of her many crazy and unpredictable moods. so, no prom. unnavoidable. something similar happened for my senior year - no class pictures, no class ring, no senior class trip. i dont think she knows about the cut even to this day.
in all honesty, i lived in a weird sort of fear/anger with her. you never knew, or know even now, what kind of mood she'll be in, or if something you say will rub her the wrong way and set her off one of her rants. oh yeah, and boy could she lay on the guilt!
ok, so fast forward to 'recently', meaning the last 2 years or so. as i'd said before, i got sick in '04, and even that was mired in mamma drama. i've been sick enough that i have needed significant help in some way off and on, especially while going through chemotherapy for the las 2.5 years. almost the whole time mom pretty much stayed away, not helping. everyone else was more than present and accounted for. and the way the pop came thru...wow! i still get misty eyed when i think about how he's had my back, but that's another post. i'm giving mom her just due. anyway, she has told me some off the wall crazy shit. she's told me that it's my fault that i'm sick, and that god is angry with me and he'll have his foot up my butt til i get 'it'. and that she hasnt been around to help me on purpose because it was time for me to grow up. and that this will help me get my act together. excuse me, i didnt know my act was all so fucked up! actually, if i may say so myself, my 'act' is pretty damned together! (with a few minor exceptions of course, lol ;) hell, even my therapist says that given all the true and amazing bullshit that she put me thru, i'm pretty damn well adjusted! that i could teach a class or something. (which i'm thinking about because all my friends tell me the same thing). and she wines and complains that i cant hang out with her anymore (i use a cane or wheelchair and walk funny and cant be in the sun - and i think it embarrasses her), and that before she moved out here in january, she hated having to come all the way out here to see me, a 15-20 min drive (when i could drive, it was incredibly difficult and exhausted me. i cant drive at all now).
i was getting a bit riled up so i played a few rounds of computer solitaire. aaahhhh. ok, back to posting....
can you believe some of that shit?! there were times when i would just wish she would beat me. at least there were scars. i know that sounds just awful. because thats nothing to joke about. thats how serious her psycho mind games were.
now to come current. 3 weeks ago today, mom came over to pick up ladybug and take her to school, which she normally does now that she's moved practically across the street. literally. well, we had a blow up, which is a big deal, because i called her on her madness and challenged her. i never challenge her because she layes on major guil trips, and always commanded/demanded complete compliance and 'respect'. anyway, since i've been sick, my tolerance for bullshit in general is fast becoming nonexistant, so needless to say i'm up to "there" with mommie dearest. it has gotten so bad that dh doesnt even want her in the house, no interaction. talk about stress!!
so we havent really spoken since then until monday, and then again today. she dropped ladybug off and in classic mommy dearest fashion, decided that we needed to talk. well, i told her what i thought and felt, but am a bit bummed with myself because i feel that i really didnt go far enough. i kept it pretty light. like, i didnt tell her about how rotary's gone to her hear and that she's offended just about everyone with her dear 'rotary' she, she, poo, poo. so fuckin what your the damn chapter president! she acts like no one else has ever heard of rotary. i didnt tell her about how niether of her two precious children, or our spouses, want to be bothered with her because we all see thru her madness and manipulation and just dont want to be bothered.
but, alas, she always has to have the last word. so she called me yesterday, after she thought up and planned out what to say of course because that's what she does, to say that "she's so sorry for being so naive in thinking that the shear love of a mother for her children would make everyting ok" and that "to think that she's worked so hard to have this relationship with her daughter, just to find out that your child doesnt feel the same way", among other rediculousness. yeah, she's good with the guilt. wtf is she talkin about??!!??!
well, she wont be getting the last word. i'm going to write her a letter, which i've been planning on doing for a long long while now. nothing nasty. i'm just not sure how far i should go. any thoughts? comments welcomed.
HUBBY DRAMA
i'm just too tired and emotionally drained to give this account to you too. just know that he's trippin (about nothing) as usual. and its all on me. as usual. and you wonder why i'm sick?!?!?
i'll fill you in on part 2.
be well :)
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