STRUGGLING (part 1)

Like I said before, a lot has been going on these last few years – health, ladybug, work, hell… LIFE! – and to catch you up would probably take an act of God. So, I’ll just give you the highlights and we’ll pick up from there.

LADYBUG:

Well, she’s 16 now (guess I should change that picture, huh?), and is still the sweetest, easiest kid ever. Truly. And I THANK GOD because I am not the kind of person that could handle all that drama that comes with teen girls. We’ve been really struggling with her the last 2 years with her learning differences though. She was assessed in the 8^th grade and diagnosed with Central and Auditory Processing Disorder with working memory issues. We’ve done all sorts of cognitive behavioral and executive functioning therapies along with hiring an educational coach til tenth grade. She’s been in an amazing private college prep high school with an equally amazing program for high achieving kids who learn differently.

She’d been doing just fine until May of last year; puberty hit and she began to crash and burn. We worked with her over last summer, putting measures in place for her 11^th grade year and the school was great, doing everything they could to help and support us/her. The allowed additional accommodations, assistive technology devices (the LiveScribe smart pen), and the option to take tests orally. But… she completely fell off the cliff. She did not pass the 11^th grade.

It’s been a very difficult time for us. She has really been floundering academically; funny though, her spirits have been ok. After several meetings with her school therapist, counselors, and teachers we decided to do an additional assessment in February and found that she also has ADHD-Inattentive Type. So, after all was said and done, it was clear that we needed to medicate her since we’d already done all the cognitive and executive functioning strategies and tools that basically just stopped working. It was a hard decision that we researched the hell out of, particularly given my own medical history. Apparently, in girls particularly, puberty can bring it on with a vengeance for those with an already preexisting learning difference – like Ladybug. To manage the medication I had to find a pediatric psychiatrist or a behavioral pediatrician and was an odyssey in and of itself because there aren’t many doctors who take teens, but I did. I interviewed her a few times before setting the appointment for LB.

After a two hour session with LB, the doc decided she was clinically depressed, and in order to even address the ADHD, we had to deal with the depression. I didn’t fully agree, but with my own clinical therapy background (my original training waaaaaay back when), I understood that depression presents in many different ways, especially in teen girls… So, I rode with it. This past April the doc prescribed her a well-known medication for depression AND ADHD of which J and I researched and green-lit it on an extremely tight timeline, along with weekly therapy. After 3 months we saw no change. During this time I mentioned this to the doc several times, who said we just needed to increase the dose and let it get to therapeutic levels. Well, by the beginning of July I’d had enough and had LB taper off. I made a list of the issues (mainly that we didn’t think she was ‘clinically depressed’), the things we were still seeing, and what our expectations where, then spoke with her. The doc totally blew me off, told me I needed to “calm down and relax”, then blamed me for all of LBs issues! Yep. She sure did. Then told me that nope, in fact LB wasn’t clinically depressed after all, but that “she should be” because “she has a terminally ill mother and all that goes with that”… Yep. She actually said those words too. Also, that all LB needed was an “attitude adjustment”. All with LB sitting right there in the room. Sigh.

These last few months have been beyond stressful. Seeing your child struggling, floundering, and not knowing how to help her. That everything you’ve done and tried just isn’t enough. Having to pull her form a school community we love, who love and support her. I have shed some serious tears, along with LB. So… yes, I’m now looking for another doctor and therapist because the issues have still not been addressed. We’ve had to pull LB from school as a rising senior, and we will be homeschooling her. Quite honestly, I feel amazing about the decision, but am overwhelmed with all the information and options out there! But we’re all super excited – mainly Ladybug! She’s never been a ‘classroom kid’, NEVER. And she just learns differently. This way we can make school, well… learning really, interesting, meaningful, and fun for her.  Yes, she’s sad that she’ll be missing her senior year and all the fun and activities that go with that, but she gets that this is best and why.

I tell you, it’s been a really tough year and I thought LAST YEAR was some shit!!! But at least for this piece of it, it’s trying to come together, though I’m still trying to find a doctor for her… I’m seeing some light in this particular tunnel.

Ang💜

Lost & Found

At my amazing surprise birthday party over the past holidays, I reconnected with my college friend and soul mate Marcia. We were at Spelman together during the best (and sometimes hard) times of my life, when I was growing into my own womanhood – well, we both were actually, and were the best of friends; we can’t remember when or how we even became friends! That girl knew her mind, and was unapologetically real and sassy, and made me believe and know that cussing could be elegant and artful. She was my first real grown up female friendship really, and we went through some (BEEEEEP) together. She taught me that young women could be real and genuine friends and sisters to and with each other; that we could support and love unconditionally and not always agree yet still be as tight as a new rubber band, with no side eye’d drama, no jealousy.

Yet, she seemed to always have some drama going on though – boyfriend drama, car drama, work drama, baby drama, financial drama – but she always kept her drama hers. She never allowed it spill over into the relationship, to pull me (or anyone else that it didn’t involve) in to the madness, or to let the relationship become all about the drama (and coming from a background of drama, I appreciated that). She never let it get or keep her down, and she really knew how to keep it moving, through it all, and I can’t even begin to tell you how that affected me. She was the first person in my life who had little to no demands of me, who could figure stuff out for herself, that didn’t want or need or expect fixing. She taught me to allow people to just be who they were, that you could love/care about someone from as is, even if they were crazy… just so long as they and their drama stayed on their side of the street; I could wave at them from my side, lol! She embraced whatever life threw at her, and it seemed to throw more than her share at her, but she handled it, owned her role in it, and kept it moving. I admired that.

Now, we also had a blast!! Some AMAZING times! OMG, She was THEEE (yes… theee) girl to know around Atlanta, and she knew every bouncer, doorman, and bartender at every ‘it’ club in town back then. She was carefree, full of laughter, passionate about who and what she cared about, and truly the original ‘Ride Or Die’ chick. And we were so crazy/good together that my big brother ‘Cedmo’ called us “Thelma and Louise”.

But we very abruptly lost touch due to a horrible marriage that isolated Marcia from all that made her her, just as those kind of dysfunctional, manipulative, sick, and twisted relationships do. She lost herself for a minute, but in true Marcia fashion… found herself again, and she’s only gotten even better. But during those years of disconnect, I searched for her relentlessly, because, you see… she was supposed to be at my wedding. She’s the reason Juan and I are together (a whole ‘nother post, lol!).  She’d had her reservations, but just didn’t show up (thanks to the Ex), and all of a sudden I couldn’t reach her, couldn’t find her, I was worried. So I searched for her. It was like she just fell of the earth. I even hired two different private investigators, on two different occasions and one of them said “the only thing I can tell you for certain is that she’s not dead”.

I held on to that, thinking of and talking about her almost daily, praying for her, her two boys (the first one she had while at Spelman and was like my own child, I was there when both were born), telling ladybug and anyone else who’d listen the exploits and adventures of me and “my crazy friend Marcia”.  While living my life with the huge and unfillable void her absence created was difficult, but I managed by thinking of what Marcia would do or how she’d handle certain situations, and even under what and which circumstances she’d cuss someone out, lol! Oh how I missed my friend. I’d daydream about finding her and reuniting, what it’d be like, how we’d be as true adults with families and careers and… less drama? Lol! But I also worried that we would be the same. I mean, of course we wouldn’t, but well…. I wondered if I had romanticized and idealized our relationship to the point of mystical legend. An unrealistic and unattainable template for ideal female relationships. Actually, that frightened me, assuming I’d ever see her again in the first place.

And don’t misunderstand, I developed some absolutely amazing and priceless relationships and sisterhoods over the years… I’m truly beyond blessed that way, and sometimes feel undeserving. Each one of my friends I actually call sister, are truly my sisters each with our own unique connection and deep bonds that are irreplaceable. It could be all one sided street (my side) because I’ve never had and always wanted sisters, but that’s just how I feel.



At surprise party trying to believe my eyes!

So fast forward to my surprise birthday party this past Christmas. Everyone that I love and care about, with only a few truly missed exceptions, were there. Juan did an amazing job! It was perfection! But the biggest ringer of them all was Marcia. JUAN HAD FOUND MARCIA! I couldn’t believe I was looking at her, holding her, speaking to her. I really thought I was gonna loose it. Honestly, it’s been seven months, with two visits under our belts and I’m still trying to process this. HE FOUND HER!

So, we’ve spent the last seven months talking, crying, visiting, laughing, dancing, catching up, and I kid you not when I say it’s as if the almost twenty years we’ve been apart has never been. Our relationships has grown up with us, even though we’ve been apart. Even though we are so very different, but yet the same. I’m here with her now, my first visit to her place two time zones and several states away, for the last eight days and I just don’t want to go! We’ve done absolutely NOTHING all day! (she’s a middle school teacher off for the summer) Well, we’ve laughed, made cocktails, eaten, cooked, drank, cried, danced, watched movies and cracked each other up. That’s it!  It’s just been too doggone hot to go anywhere, but mainly we’ve just been deep in discovery with no interruptions (like hubby or ladybug when she was visiting me earlier). We’ve each other all to ourselves and it’s been amazing.

As a young woman figuring out that thing called womanhood, I found the courage to be me because of Marcia, and that the me I was back then, and the me that I am today, is perfectly fabulous. I wish every woman young and old, could have a Marcia.

Be well ♥

Me and my 'Meme'

The Disappation of Guilt

And again, it’s been awhile. And again, I find myself feeling guilty for being so absent, especially when there’s so many of you who’ve loved, cheered, and prayed me through so many wonderful, tough, hilarious, and scary times. And even more so since there’s been so many amazing and challenging developments the last year that I know you all would have loved to have been clued in on.

I think I’ve figured out why I disappear... I sit down to start writing, then start thinking about all that I didn’t write about, feeling like I need to catch you up, then I start feeling guilty, and overwhelmed. The other, which I suspect may play more of a role then I’m wanting to admit, is figuring out just how much I want to expose. I myself have no problem with that… I’m an open book, so to speak. However, I find myself being more concerned about and sensitive to those close to me, and whether they’d want their business in the street, even though it’d be from my point of view, or wondering if I’m hurting their feelings. There. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.

But I don’t have time for guilt, or to be tip toeing around peoples feelings; as much as I do wrestle with it. Heck, other than Ladybug (‘LB’) and the Hub (my husband), most of “those close to me” don’t even know I have a blog. But, you never know…  

Anyway, I am back… yet again. And even though I have a lot of exciting things that I’m working on, and a lot going on (Ladybug is heading to high school!! ongoing health challenges, new business opportunities), I promise… I am here to stay.

So much beauty and adventure on the horizon and I'm excited...  

Be well ♥

More Truth Talk

OHHH.....MY....GOWWD!! I am so over people, some are clients, but particularly so called 'friends' and other people I know who like considering me their friend so they can call me for 'help', then won't/don't take it and/or want to argue with me as to why they're right or justified.  YOU called ME. You only seem to call me when u want or need something, then you actually expect me to perform Johnny on the spot because it's URGENT, or YOU are up against a deadline. REALLY?

Oh, don't get it twisted, I DO say NO, and to most, so now I’m down to just a few 'usual suspects', and I’m seeing now that it's just not worth it. It’s a one way street. Oh sure, "you're the best life/career/love/financial coach ev-uhh". But that's all I get really (well, and a thank u from some). No referrals. No "is this a good time?", or “can I do anything for you?", or "do you need anything?" kind of consideration. Oh sure, some give me the perfunctory "how are u?" or "what's new?"...you know, to make it look good. But don't let me think their call was a serious attempt at just conversation - they rush me on and quickly launch into why they really called.

I’ve had one too many calls today from people like this, always wanting to pick my brain. But I can't be mad at them, really, because it’s my fault. Yep. Because I’ve allowed my loyalty, compassion, and desire to help (“Captain Save-A-Client/friend/relative”… it runs in the family) cloud my judgment. But I see clearly now that just because they’re not obvious takers- intentionally taking advantage, or manipulative, or that I may be the only one they know who knows about what they need help with (this is a big one!), doesn’t mean they’re still not taking. And I’ve been allowing it.

So please, DON'T CALL ME TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT or AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT ANYTHING unless you're calling to see what YOU can do FOR ME (like send me PAYING REFERRALS), or discuss the merits of a great wine/beer, the use of cream and real butter, or the unctuousness of a good Marsala sauce.

More Reality

Hey Y’all. 

I’m realizing that I haven’t spoken to my mom since New Year’s Day and I’m starting to feel some kind of way about it. I’ve mentioned very little in the past about my family, Mommy Dearest issues particularly, fearing her wrath and mental manipulation if she somehow found out about me talking about her in such a public way, and if I talked about her too much in a not so flattering way, or not enough in a flattering way (she’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind of person). But as part of my preparation for 2014, I did a mental and emotional vomit here on my blog, where I shared just some of the emotional and psychological pain of my past, because I refused to bring all the crap that I’ve either not wanted to deal with, or was hiding from into the new year and on, going forward. The relationship I have with her, and my father to an extent, is the only area of my life that isn’t ‘together’, and I feel like a hypocrite most days. Honestly, it has kept me from blogging as much as I’d like, and some days from blogging all together.

With that said, Mommy Dearest had created an untenable situation for me and I continue to struggle with what do and how to handle it. How can I be candid about my own feelings and internal struggles and conflict here without going into detail? Without making her seem like a monster? Well, yes, she can be. Some would say she is. Monster or not, I struggle so with how to handle her. Some say I just need to cut her off completely. Some say I need to face her, tell her on no uncertain terms, just what she’s put me through, that she’s full of shit, and issue an ultimatum that she either get it together or I won’t be in her life. Well, what I have done is to either just deal with her or just avoid her, which is really what I’ve done most of the time. Other times I wouldn’t say a word when she’d begin her manipulations or victim playing. I’d just smile, be polite, and keep my mouth shut – like I was trained. Now there have been times, especially since I’ve been sick, when I would put the brakes on the madness, and it often got funky. But again, she’s a masterful manipulator and I am no match. So the fact that I haven’t spoken to my mother in just over a month now may very well be one of her little tests of love and adoration or just be her uniquely twisted form of petulance. 

Either way, I’m not dealing with it anymore. I’m no longer going to willingly compromise my own truth and personal integrity, silence my voice and jeopardize my health for the sake of continuing to have a twisted relationship with my mother.

At the beginning of the year I told myself that I wouldn’t be around her unless I could speak my truth, or hell, just tell the truth. But then I realized that if the truth didn’t match up to her reality at that moment, then she’d have a problem, no matter what, and back to the damned if you do (you know the rest). So here I am, feeling stuck around this situation, again. How do I end this? 

Sigh…

Be well ♥