Monday, February 3, 2014
I’m realizing that I haven’t spoken to my mom since New Year’s Day and I’m starting to feel some kind of way about it. I’ve mentioned very little in the past about my family, Mommy Dearest issues particularly, fearing her wrath and mental manipulation if she somehow found out about me talking about her in such a public way, and if I talked about her too much in a not so flattering way, or not enough in a flattering way (she’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind of person). But as part of my preparation for 2014, I did a mental and emotional vomit here on my blog, where I shared just some of the emotional and psychological pain of my past, because I refused to bring all the crap that I’ve either not wanted to deal with, or was hiding from into the new year and on, going forward. The relationship I have with her, and my father to an extent, is the only area of my life that isn’t ‘together’, and I feel like a hypocrite most days. Honestly, it has kept me from blogging as much as I’d like, and some days from blogging all together.
With that said, Mommy Dearest had created an untenable situation for me and I continue to struggle with what do and how to handle it. How can I be candid about my own feelings and internal struggles and conflict here without going into detail? Without making her seem like a monster? Well, yes, she can be. Some would say she is. Monster or not, I struggle so with how to handle her. Some say I just need to cut her off completely. Some say I need to face her, tell her on no uncertain terms, just what she’s put me through, that she’s full of shit, and issue an ultimatum that she either get it together or I won’t be in her life. Well, what I have done is to either just deal with her or just avoid her, which is really what I’ve done most of the time. Other times I wouldn’t say a word when she’d begin her manipulations or victim playing. I’d just smile, be polite, and keep my mouth shut – like I was trained. Now there have been times, especially since I’ve been sick, when I would put the brakes on the madness, and it often got funky. But again, she’s a masterful manipulator and I am no match. So the fact that I haven’t spoken to my mother in just over a month now may very well be one of her little tests of love and adoration or just be her uniquely twisted form of petulance.
Either way, I’m not dealing with it anymore. I’m no longer going to willingly compromise my own truth and personal integrity, silence my voice and jeopardize my health for the sake of continuing to have a twisted relationship with my mother.
At the beginning of the year I told myself that I wouldn’t be around her unless I could speak my truth, or hell, just tell the truth. But then I realized that if the truth didn’t match up to her reality at that moment, then she’d have a problem, no matter what, and back to the damned if you do (you know the rest). So here I am, feeling stuck around this situation, again. How do I end this?
Be well ♥