Friday, January 30, 2009

still working on it

well, this new year is here. actively in progress. progress. and, more importantly, this is a year of change. so much change. i know it. sense it. feel it. and i've been thinking about it all too, in a way. like i've said in a previous post, i've been in a very contemplative mood since the holidays after taking a little detour. now, i'm trying to get out of it. get back on the road again, to finding me.

but i haven't been able to 'get going'. i am normally ready to jump into each new year, each month, hungry and excited for what i know it will bring. but not this time. and it just occured to me why. for all the supposed, yes, supposed, contemplating - i've really done none at all. not really. i've sort off skimmed the surface of truly examining where i'm at now, where i really want to go, how to get there, who i am now, and my intentions (not resolutions) going forward. yeah, i've had a few ideas. a few false starts. but i've done nothing. therefore, i have no groundwork, no framework, no outline for going forward. that's why i haven't been able to get going.

so, i'm going to start working on a list of, hmmm, don't know what to call this. not resolutions though. i don't do those. we make them self defeating and i feel very strongly about them-that's another post, promise! now, this list is for sure full of intentions for myself, my life, for this year and on. things that i really intend to focus on, work on, be conscious of. you see, i want to change my life. not that i'm unhappy with it now. oh no. it's just that i feel very strongly about this journey called life, and that i am here to get as much out of it as i can, to serve, to be a better person.

i realize now that i've a few people and situations in my life that are toxic, unwittingly and not by choice (you can't choose your family). for many years it's been this way, and has caused me to develop into two people. the strong, courageous, common sensical, and funny angela who know's where it's at and will show you how to get there. then, there's the other one. the one that, when is around or in the toxicity, is unable to speak her truth. and i am struggling with that. it makes me feel like a hypocrite. so now a big part of my journey is figuring out how to join the two angelas, how we can coexist in the same space. or if that's even possible. hell, do i even want them to.... nope. not anymore.

so, yeah, i'm still working on it. my journey to myself.