confession

my name is angela and i watch "bethenny getting married" (and like her).

there. said it.

am i a big reality tv watcher? nope. i'm not a fan, and i won't get into how i feel about them. do i watch them? yep, there are a few shows i watch from time to time, but none regularly, faithfully.

as for bethenny getting married, and it's star.... i do like. i really do. there's something about her that's me... really. and i like it.

so there. think of me what you will.

be well :)

health update

hey there,

ok, i'm starting to come out of my 'chemo funk'. yes, i'm back to it ... again. i've been having "disease activity and increased symptoms" in my brain so the doc's (my neuro and oncologist) want me to do this plasma and marrow transplant thing that i can't even pronounce - i swear i feel like they make stuff up just for me! i know part of it is something like 'pharesis'. my other doc's (pulmo, cardio, rheumie) wanted me to wait and have a few rounds of chemo first, mainly because they are concerned that the procedure will jeopardize the hard won stability of my heart and lungs. so the second gang of docs are of the 'wait and see' approach with chemo - additional drug to the cocktail and a larger dose - to see if these rounds will get my neuro stuff under control. if not, then that funky sounding plasma/marrow thing. i'd have to be in the hospital for about 6 weeks and the procedure would be sandwiched between chemo treatments.

this round wasn't as bad as the one two weeks ago. that one? OMG, i just wanted to flush myself down the toilet. i don't think it's ever been that bad in all the 4 years of chemo (off and on). but then this round i've been taking the anti nausea drug zofran and in a much higher dose. i've discovered that it makes me high, so i haven't been feeling the effects so much! am i sick? yep. can i keep food down? well, better than before. tired? yes, exhausted! but it's still waaay better than the last round. and i'm actually looking forward to eating!

so the fight continues. i continue to fight.

be well :p

biking along and other stuff

in my now ocassionaly usual fashion, i had forgotten to post a few pics and the short stories that go along with them. so the first batch are of ladybug learning how to ride her new bike pop got her as a late christmas present. she got a bike at the wee age of 3 and has been refusing to learn how to ride ever since.
well, my pop was having none of that any longer. two saturdays ago, he came up after her track practice and so he could put a stop to the madness. no grandchild of his was not gonna know how to ride a bike. and that was that. juan and i followed them down the street to the local elementary school and dropped of the bike. we stayed for just a few minutes before pops shooed us off, so we headed home, less than 10 minutes away. well, just as we were pulling into the garage pops called. "come on back, she's ready to show off for you!". juan and i couldn't believe it.



sure enough, she was cycling along with all the confidence of lance armstrong when we pulled up. she had it! now all she wants to do is ride! all she talks about is riding!
















now, about ladybugs hair. when i wash her hair i usually put the curls curly q products in her hair. i use the curly q custard, milkshake, and princess glaze on my childs crazy curly, crazy thick, and crazy beautiful hair. i let her rock her curls, twists often, but in ponytails mainly because that girls hair is so thick. ocassionaly i will flat iron it on special ocassionaly so she can wear her bangs. so, after i washed her hair this past saturday, i decided to blowdry it out instead just to 'see'. well HELLO!!!! i created a monster. she knew she was hot.






ok, so in my valentines day post i mentioned a secret admirer, sort of. i got a couple of bouquets of flowers that were just gorgeous. at first i just knew it was my daddy-that's so like him-nope. and we know it wasn't juan *smirk* i called a few more friends/business colleagues-nope. i couldn't figure out who were sending them to me. each day for 3 days, ending on vday. so, i
icalled the flower company to see if they'd clue me in-nope. but i didn't give up! finally a customer service rep slipped and i got to a manager who said they'd call the sender and see if they'd want to be revealed-nope. not completely. just that HE was someone from my past who still very much admirers me, that he ran into a mutual friend whom i'm very close with and that friend mentioned where i was and he found me from that. and..... i still don't know who he is. *sigh...*

















be well :)

temporary detour

ok, i've been a bad, bad girl. but so what!

i decided to disappear for a little bit just because i wanted to. i wanted to see what it felt like to just not do anything. i kept in minimum contact (had to because there are a few of you out there that would kill me if i just dropped off the face of the earth!), but basically.... i let the phone ring. no card making or scrapbooking. most emails and texts went unanswered. no blogging. rearranged a few client sessions. no twittering.

i read, sleeped, cooked, watched some movie classics with bette davis, and enjoy my ladybug and my husband. also, i prayed. i'm still praying. i am praying not just for all the people and things i normally pray for. but i am now praying for me. i realized that i never really prayed for myself. i always thought that was wrong. selfish. even in my sickness, i still prayed for others.

i've had a tough few months since my surgery in september. yes tough physically, but tough emotionally. tougher than i thought or realized, until i was home alone taking a shower about two weeks ago.

while feeling the warmth of the water all over my body, watching the water and soap swirl in the tub and then down the drain... i realized that i was drowning. slowly drowning. all my essence slipping away. in my fight to keep from being angry and bitter and always whinning and complaining about sick and what's been stolen from me - to keep from being that person - i became choked by it all.

then i began to actually feel like i was choking, right there in the shower. i thought my one half good lung was finally going as i coughed for air. a jolt of fear gripped me, i was home alone. then a wave of sadness and pain washed over me and i dropped down to my knees in the tub and i cried. i cried hard. i curled up at the back of the tub and let the water wash over me, mixing with my tears, as i cried.

i cried for me. for my life. for what i've lost. i cried for realizing that i was becoming .... i don't know what to say it really (because of my word finding issues), so bare with me... becoming someone who has turned away from life. from living life. oh my goodness.

once i realized this, i became embarrased. yep. right there on the bottom of the tub. cheeks hot with embarrassment, you'd have thought someone saw me naked - naaah, i'm an exhibitionist, lol. not that i was wailing away at the bottom of the tub, but that i, me, angela, was turning into a shrinking violet. day after day in my house, barely talking to anyone except clients. not even participating in ladybugs school/class functions. turning away from life. that's not me world.

i told myself "stop it!! just stop it angela!!" and i did. it is now the end of my temporary detour from the road to becoming my authentic self.

so, these last two weeks i've spent with me. praying. i am now praying. praying for me and that i can take all my emotions - my anger, my fear, my pain, my sadness, my feelings of being lost - as energy and power to transform. i've always done it before. this shouldn't be any different.

aahh. i feel so very much better now.

oh, the agony...!

no, no, no!! say it aint so!

i have sattelite television, direct tv to be exact, and have been perfectly happy with them for the last 6 years. not a problem. until this morning.

everyone who knows me knows that i really like oprah (i don't care what anybody says!), and now am in complete love with her 'oprah and friends' radio programs, which include all her friends - dr. oz, gail, jean chatzky, dr. robin smith, rodney and holly robinson-peete, marianne williamson, dr. maya angelou, rabbi shmuley, along with a few others. well, i really just 'love,love, love' the programs that are on during the time zone that i listen in 8am-2pm (jean, shmuley, gail, marianne, and dr. robin-i brake at 10 however to catch the hot mess at 'the view' which is the first 20-30minutes). and i sometimes try to schedule my appointments around them.

not today. not tomorrow. not ever. as long as i have direct tv.

i turned to the channel and ..... nothing. just blackness. whuh?!?! huh?!?!? i immediately called up the cable company to find out what they've done to my programs. it's a sad day today. for me, a sad day indeed.

well, until i shake off this stunning sense of loss and then figure out what the heck i'm gonna do about it... i'm off to go mourn now.

be well :)

my tree, the rainbow, and a little bit of chat

it rained pretty bad earlier in the week... we've been havign the craziest weather all year. it's usually indian summer this time of year, and it sort of is. been in the upper 70's for several weeks. it was in the mid 80's the week that my brother fred was here (which was just 2 weeks ago).

but it turned really cold when it rained. i mean cold. we even turned the heater on and we're those types that say "hey, put a sweater and a pair of socks on!". so i guess fall/winter is on it's way, and i have a feeling that it's gonna be a rough winter.

with that said, i also think that summer isn't quite ready to go to bed yet. after it poured, stormed, the sun came out. not creeping out, not peeking out. but with a vengence. bright, strong, beautiful.

then, through our upper windows above our living room, a rainbow.

ladybugs first rainbow.

then, there's my tree. my beautiful tree. a glorious contrast, and a perfect example of our indian summer. it so golden that it lights up the house (i LOVE my house) in the afternoon! i have the privledge of gazing at this work of god everyday, all day.

isn't what i see gorgeous?! that's what you'd see as you walk in my house. you'd also see me sitting on my comfy blue sofa (my spot), gazing out at my tree. hey... babz has sat there! lol!

so, i'm sure you can guess by now, and if you've followed my blog you know, that i've finally figured out how to manipulate the pics in my blog. i'm still workign on it how to get captions and boarders on them though. hang in there with me!

also, i had the privledge of listening in on, and participating (as a caller) to a new blog talk radio program tonight called RAW DAWG RADIO (every thursdays at 11pm est), put on by my blog pals kelso, the man...raw dawg (dr. stephens), and my big sis (warrior queen) babz. it was fabulous! it's an actual radio program just via the computer. you can listen in (via computer), call in, or log onto the chat room. kelso and dr. stephens are an amazing wealth of information covering both domestic and international politics, money matters, and business. whan i say deep, i mean deep! if you are interested in todays world affairs and how they affect us directly, or if you are looking to learn more about how this world really works, you must check them out!

well, it's way past my bedtime (eventhough the time stamp says different), so i'm off to get my pearls (doesn't every princess sleep in pearls??) and head to slumber land...

night, night :)

what's in a name...

hey there!

i do hope you all are well? sorry for just now checking in, again. i know, i know. just life! i'm rehaning hard, i want'to get to turning cartwheels soon ya know!

so anyway, i was on one of my crafting blogs and found this neat "what your name really means" link, and thought i'd give it a try. so, here are the results....

WHAT ANGELA REALLY MEANS:

What Angela Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic “Type A” personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life. You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone. Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

the crazy thing is that almost all of this is quite true. everyone who know's me will say these things about me. well, except the paranoia, jealousy, flaky and irresponsible stuff. everyone will deny that about me. but... i do have a secret to confess! i can be a bit flaky. but only if and when i feel that my 'me' time is not being repsected, or you are my mother (or some other few family members). yeah, i know... shocking!

be well :)

ps... won't take so long next time, got LOTS of pics to post. stay tuned.....!

I'M HOME!!!!!!!!!

ok, so truthfully? it just got too crazy at hotel le'summit, so hubby checked me out on saturday. YAAAAY!!!!!

all is well. i'm fine. super fine now that i'm home. i can rehab here. the visiting nurses association (VNA) will be checking up on me, getting my rehab schedule together - PT, OT, plus the nurse to check my labs.

oh, i'm sooo happy to be home!! i'm exhausted from being in the hospital and am looking forward to getting some rest, my blue sofa, and my dog malik! oh i've missed my big guy. i've been worried about him. i think he's getting close to being ready to go. ooooh, that was hard.

i've never really given a whole post to him, as important as he is to me. i don't know why. he's so good, brings me joy, know's me so well that it's scary. really. he's so not like a dog. but, i'm sure most doggie moms and dads feel teh same way. whatcha think all mi-t? :)

well, i talked about the little crisis i had with him hte day before the surgery, and i knew then that it may be time. he's 13 years old. an alaskan malamute. that breeds lifespan, according to my vet, who knows quite a bit about them, is anywhere from 5-7 years. they sometimes make it to 9. so, i have no complaints!

he's just such a great dog. who talks to me. yes, he's one of those dogs that thinks he can talk. lol! he's so funny! and cool. he doesn't get bothered by anything, or anyone. he rarely barks. just easy!!

well, i could go on and on about my big guy, i have so many malik stories, it's crazy. well, no, that makes sense.... 13 years!

i LOVE this dog. and i'm home.

be well :)

did i ever tell you....?

that the week leading up to, and the day before my surgery was plain just crazy. we had just gotten home from atlanta, and i had to jump right into all the pre-op prep for surgery seven days later.

in addition to that, i had to get all things ladybug ready - school, girl scouts, hot lunch - plus, she'd missed whole first week and 2 days of school, then promptly got sick and missed the rest of the second week of school. so i had to deal with her being home along with my figuring out hwo to get to my medical appointments. don't forget! i also had to sort through all the homework, classwork, candy sale deadlines, PTA committees (i'm on 2, plus am the PTG Board Parliamentarian), oktoberfest committees, and i got a few clients in there somewhere. plus all the little stuff in between. whew.

so, that was from thursday 9/4 to wednesday 9/10. but see, wednesday was a mess all in itself.

got that morning all ready to conquer my list of things 'to do' (many of you know that i live by my list, and it's a running joke!) in order for me to be prepared to head off to surgery and beyond. so the anal december capricorn that i am was cruising along, right on time with getting ladybug off to school. 7:40am, heading out the door with time to spare (school is less than 3 minutes away if i catch all 3 stop lights - yes!). sitting in my T5 all ready to get my fix, i tell ladybut to buckle up and hand her the garage door opener (it's her 'thing'). then.... no, No, NO! my baby won't start!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

she cranks. but never catches. shit. i've got to get ladybug to school, then my 'to do' list. we unbuckle and head back inside. i call around and finally find someone to get her for me. one of my dear, dear 'big sis's' BOTW. she swoops in and saves the day! well, morning. now, what the hell is going on with my baby? i've got so much to do!

well, at some point in the day, i managed to call the dealership and gieco insurance for tow service (can i say how much i love gieco?!?) to get her towed in. what struck me though was that i actually began to cry as the tow guy (a cuttie too) began hooking her up. you all already know how much i love her, have a most unusual relationship with her.

i'm babbling on and on... it's the drugs, sorry. i'll cut to the chase.

that was the first big issue that opened the door. what drained me completely and left me spent was my truely beloved, beloved dog malik. later in the evening, again, after an incredibly crazy day, my first baby had a crisis. i haven't told any of you what the deal is with him, so here you go. he's a huge (188lbs) alaskan malamute that we've had for 13 years. he's the first dog juan and i got 'together', eventhough i had no say so. it was all his decision. his dog. well, somehow over the years, malik and i have developed this incredible bond (all you dog people/pet parents know what i'm talking about!!). no, i'm not the kind to let 'em kiss me in the mouth, or feed them from my fortk at the table. but i love him. he might be in the bed if he were'nt almost 200 pounds and so hairy and slobbery. since i've been sick, i fell that that bond has gotten even stronger. i'm in the house all day long and he's there with me to keep me company. to let me vent. laugh, cry. he's my partner. and i love him. and like ladybug, there are few words to truly describe how i feel about him.

earlier this year we discovered that he has some type of cancer in his abdomen. the vet said that we could take him up to uc davis for surgery, and at that point they'll know if he can be helped - given a few more years, of if we'll have to put him down - right then. i was beyond upset. i didin't understand. he was still quite spry, bouncing around with lots of energy, very playful. nothing like a 13 year old dog. i decided that we wouldn't do the surgery, that we'd take it one month at a time. that was in february of this year. in the last month he's lost the pep in his step. he drags one of his hind legs due to the tumor i guess. and in the last couple weeks, he's really not eating. only about less than a half of coup of dry food, and then i have to drown it in rice and broth or gravy. he's lost quite a bit of weight. i worried about him the whole time i was in atlanta.

so, fast forward to the day before my surgery..... i'm in the house working on one of my to do lists and i hear this awful, nails on a chalk board, yaowl. it was awful! malik has somehow missed the small step up too the grassy area of the kitchen patio, and got himself stuck against the porch step. i still don't know how it happened, or why he was stuck. but he was. he couln't get himself up and he was in terrible pain.

i rushed out to try to turn him, but the more i pushed and pulled, the more he yelped and yowled. oh my heart was breaking! i tried so hard to get him up, he still wieghed at least 130lbs. i ran upstairs and got my long beach towel and somehow got it up under him, and around his hind legs. i would pull and tell him 'up malik'. he tried, but them it got to a point where he had nothing to give me. oh my heart. i closed my eyes, said a prayer, and gave it all i had.

and it worked. i got him up, but he couldn't stay up. i fell. i got up, and got him up again, positioned him just so, but he still wasn't able to stand up. so he layed down, and i sat next to him, and cried. i cried my heart out. i cried for him, my car, ladybug, and for myself. i cried hard.

i whispered in his ear not to leave me. not yet. i asked him to wait for me. and he's hanging in there. i told juan what happened and he said, "well babe, it's probably about that time for him". i got angry. but he's right. juan is right. like my 12year old yellow lab did when i was 20 years old, i have been expecting malik to 'tell' me when he's ready. he's not in any pain. still happy camper attitude, although a bit hard because he gets stiff, he's still able to get around. but juan is right.

as they rolled me into the surgery room, i was saying my 'see you later's to my daddy and juan, and the second to the last thing i said to him was that he had better not do a damn thing to malik until i get out of the hospital. and that i didin't care if it required life support!!!!

i am happy to report that as of today, malik is doing just fine.

be well :)

a special day and i did it again

like i said in my last post, this is a special week. and today is the birthday of the second (no pun intended! you know what i mean you know who!) special person. so i give a special bday shout out to my sister and friend. i love you!!

and i did it again! all week and no posts since monday. uuhhgg. i have no excuse. i have a confession to make, which i think i've made here before.... i'm addicted to surfing scrapbooking/cardmaking blogs! i mean seriously! i tell myself that i'm gonna log on, check just a few blogs, just to get a few ideas, and bam!! next thing i know, it's 3pm and time for ladybug to come home from school... no projects completed, let alone started! i have such guilt about it too! well, at least i've got a few projects done - a couple of bday cards, an actual 'set' of cards as a gift, and some party favors a nieghbor is paying me for.

oh well.

no new's on my chemotherapy schedule yet. i have to get my mri and cat scan done first, which are scheduled for wednesday. looks like it'll be te second week of may, after mom's day. so i've got a about a week to get a few other scrapping projects done.

oh well... off to post a poem and then work on some cards.

be well :)