more dirty talk..... !

hey y'all!! its farmer tinybutt!

well, so much has been going on and i must apologize for not blogging about much of it. i promise, i will be better... TRUST ME.

so i'm working at becoming more proficient with this, and am excited at the prospect of feeling like i know what the heck i'm doing. so far other than the ongoing herb cuttings (rosemary, thyme, sage, parsley, tarragon), i've had only a couple harvests - spinach and lettuces. the lettuces are an ongoing thing, you cut/trim, they grow back. but we've had several early and unusual heat waves here in the bay area, so my spinach 'bolted' on me, which means it puts all it's energy into making seeds and not growing or producing fruit. depending on what plant it is, it can be a bad thing to a not too bad thing. some veggies that bolt can still be eaten, like spinach, but the longer you keep them growing, the more bitter (bitterer..?) they get.

so i've been worried about my cabbage and broccoli because of the heat as they are cold weather crops, along with the lettuces. i have lost 3 cabbages, one to suspected bolting, and the other 2 to aphids - nasty, creepy, dastardly little buggers that can be extremely hard to get rid of. it doesn't take long for them to quadruple-ply, they can be hard to manage, and depending on the plant, can destroy it in short order. then there are cabbage caterpillars that can/will eat your leafy green gardens then turn into seemingly cute little white butterflies, but wrong - they're moths that come back and lay they're caterpillar eggs again. ... sigh!

but i'm encouraged though! i have many, many little green beans, lots of little squashes, a few little green tomatoes, and finally - a itty bitty broccoli head!! it makes me so happy. i still have alot to do with the yard/garden for sure, but i'm just amazed at the fact that i've planted things in the ground and they're actually growing! in the meantime, here are some pics of my amazing little piece of paradise.

be well and enjoy



AS OF THIS EVENING:

getting dirty..... no, not that!

growing up i was very much a tomboy, a 'blue' kind of girl who very much wanted to be a 'pink' kind of girl. blue came naturally, and was just easier since i was my father's son for the first 10 years of my life, til my little brother came along. but i longed to be a pink....i just didn't know how. i always thought that i really was pink somewhere inside, more than just longing and wanting to be, simply because i didn't like to get dirty!

i hated getting dirty. i would throw a game of run down if it meant that i'd have to slide into some dirt. i remember passing on playing my most favorite-ist childhood game - jacks! all because i didn't want to sit in the dirt. i especially hate/hated dirt under my fingernails.



fast forward to now. i'm elbow deep in dirt. and not just dirt - compost and manure - and i love it! do i know what i'm doing? nope, not really. but as each day passes, everything looks better and better. well, my bok choi was looking a bit peaked, so i had to replant them closer to the house and fence so they'll get more shade, and they've perked right up! i'm so happy because i was so worried about them.

gardening makes me happy. truly happy. and i'm thankful.

my new venture.... yes, another one

as you've seen from the post below... i've taken up gardening. hubby built two 3ft x 3ft raised beds that are about 16 inches deep and filled them with good old fashion organic compost - all in one day! boy do i love that man!

on moms day we went to the garden supply and nursery to pick up the things we/i needed and i got to it on monday and tuesday. i'm trying hard not make what the 'certified nursery professional' called a classic newbie mistake, by going overboard with all my plantings. i'm trying to be smart about the space i have, which is not alot, and the amount of sun i get (about 5-6 hours max), and what i want to grow/eat.

we don't have a lot of backyard space in general, but its just right for us, so i'm trying to balance the growing space with patio/entertaining space with where the sun actually is for most of the day. and it's not easy! we've been on a search for the perfect patio furniture for at least 2 years now and still no luck. i don't want to spend an arm and 2 legs, but still want something with a little flair i had no idea just how hard that would be. so now summer is fast upon our heels and we still have nothing. well, actually, we may have found a compromise at a local store. yeah, if we get that set we'd be settling, but hey, i want to actually sit out, or maybe even take a nap in my backyard this summer!!! i will have a set by the end of next week if its the last thing i do!

now, back to the veggie garden... so i'm going to try to grow -
3 types of tomatoes - sweet 100's, yellow pears, and early girls
3 kinds of summer squash - green empire zuc's, and yellow straight necks
italian bush beans (green beans)
bok choy
2 types of sweet peppers - red and green bells
collard greens
cabbage
spinach
broccoli
various salad greens - mesculin mix, romaine, red leaf
various herbs - rosemary, thyme, sage, french tarragon, genovese basil, and parsley

so what do you think? enough huh? i know! and after i plant all that, i'll still have those big wine barrels left to fill!! hmm... corn? carrots? rainbow swish chard? i'm so happy i could scream!!

be well :)

mommy's day

this is late, but i've been just too pooped, and my fingers have been too swollen and too much pain to type.

well, i do hope that all the mommies out there who deserved to have a great day for them, did. i know i did!

it began with hubby dearest getting ladybug and i up at the almost the crack of dawn - 7:30 am - he let me sleep in! we went off to breakfast, then he took me to my all time favorite kitchen/cooking store - Sur Le Table - and let me pick out several things, but most important, he 'made' me get my beloved Le Creuset!!!! i have been a crazy fiend for these pots for at least 10 years! my granny had 3 that are at least 40 years old, i just don't know what's happened to them. so, i hemmed and hawed about whether or not to get those pots til dh walked up behind me and told the sales lady that i'll take the purple ones. he said that that's why he brought me in the first place, and that he would have just done it himself only he didn't anticipate there being two different purples (purple is my favorite color), both of which he thought i'd like (he was right). i melted right then and there!

then off we headed to the nursery to get the supplies we needed for the raised bed garden that dh built for me. i was showered with cards from my brother, mother, and father, and then dinner was made for me! all and all i had a great day! here are a few pics... please enjoy!

SOMEONE YOU KNOW...

may (along with august) has always been my favorite named month of the year. yes, there are other months i love, but the word (or name) MAY... i love the most (again, with august).

and MAY is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and this very day is WORLD LUPUS DAY.

LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.

my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain. i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, every reaching. it keeps me from driving, working 'officially', making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional, from crafting and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, friends, family, and myself. it keeps me from finding my words and understanding those spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows and books. it keeps me from rocking my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every day that i wake up and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a good and regular day for me. and the seizures.....

it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it, away from me. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.

this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure and can kill. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends, yet there's little to nothing in the form of support, resources, and major awareness out there for those suffering from and living with LUPUS. especially in the medical community - so many go mis or undiagnosed.

because of this, and my own frustration with the lack of services and programs, i have started a charitable non profit specifically for women at risk, the newly diagnosed, and warriors living with LUPUS here in my area = THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT for LUPUS. my goal is for this to become a national organization. we are currently registered as an exempt non profit corporation here in california, and are awaiting our federal exemption status at a 501(c)3. we're working on our website now and it will be up soon (www.thebutterflyprojectfoundation.org), as well as the rest of the details, and i will keep you posted so stay tuned!

this is LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH, and someone you know has lupus. please donate and find out more about how you can help those of us with LUPUS by going to www.lupus.org

be well!

decisions, decisons.... compromise.

life is filled with decisions. some good, some not, some just moot. some where you spend days on end agonizing over them to the point that it may have taken a few months off your life, only to find that all those mackanations were for not.

there was a time when i used to not mind so much about having to make them. that was when life was much less complicated. do i play checkers or monopoly? do my homework now, or later? as i grew into my life they got a bit weightier - do i hang out with this crowd or that one? break curfew or not? try that cigarette/joint or not? beat down that chick who was talking trash about me or not? (couldn't resist, lol!) have sex now or wait?

decisions....

as an adult is when things get real. take this job or that. be my own boss? marry or date. let go or hang onto childhood friends who haven't grown as you have. dealing with the mother who's having issues with the grown up you. children now, later, or not at all.

now, it's become much harder. because of my health. so.... do i take a shower, or unload the dishwasher? take a short walk, or vacuum? work with a few clients, or help ladybug with homework? make love (and not be able to do nothing else for at least a day), or craft? (like that's even close, lol! i love to make love!) cook, or blog? ladybugs field trip/track meet, or run errands? run errands, or do a little bit of housework? sweep, or have lunch with glo? do a bit of housework, or take an always much needed nap? however, those who know me, know that i'm gonna do what i want, when and how i want. but still.....

decisions....

as i've said so many times before.... i'm the type that almost MUST have tons of stuff going on. i've always been busy and i've been able to be that way with few catastrophes because i'm organized, i care, have (had) tons of energy, and am able to make decisions. i've always been a good decision maker. i have a fail proof process for it. i weigh the pros and cons, make a list if a have to - i'm big on that! if i see it then it becomes real yet not so daunting for me. then i pull the trigger.

but lately it's a struggle. and i hate it. i hate having to make these kinds of decisions. but i do. and i hate feeling like i'm not sure if i'm doing it well. and now i'm finding that i'm postponing having to make them. procrastinating. even agonizing a bit. well.... alot. i'm struggling with what to, how to handle this. hoping it will get easier. but in reality, in my heart, i know it won't.

so how to i live with my not so new reality? i guess i'll continue to figure it out as i go. but hate it.

meanwhile.... it's been just beautiful here and i'm anxious for juan to get my raised bed veggie garden up. i miss my garden so much. 2 years ago the retaining wall behind my neighbors yard cracked in a major way and we had a literal river running through our backyard adn it washed away all my beautiful flowers and plants - my hydrangeas, tulips, jasmine, hyacinth, jade..... sigh. my crafting fairy godmommy patty has an amazing garden and i'm always coveting, so she came by in fairy godmother fashion and left a beautiful pot of roses on my doorstep!!

here are some pics of the roses she gave me, and the cherry blossom tree that's exploding in front of my house... my house smells incredible!

be well

revelation and vulnerability

very recently i was struggling with an issue - how i felt about clients who've seen/read my blog. last week a few clients (independent of each other), both current and past, somehow stumbled upon my blog and have now seen some of my 'stuff'. now i don't make it a secret, but i don't hype it either. this place is for me and my stuff to just be. no expectations, no judgment. free-to-be-me-ness.

it really bothered me at first. knowing that some of my clients have seen my personal blog where i've openly discussed some of my 'stuff'. i was almost speechless when the first client mentioned it, which is an event in itself. i didn't know what to say, if anything at all. other than the truth. but it got me to thinking about how i felt about being so exposed in that kind of way and why. honestly, this very reason is why i've been posting intermittenly this last year.

now i'm not shy at all...... have no problem sharing me with the world...... never meet a stranger..... yada, yada, yada. but not really. i've realized, through this blog and reading others, that the kind of sharing i supposedly do so well, is not the kind of sharing that the supposed anonymity that the blogosphere fosters. this blogging thing allows you to feel safe and protected in such a way that the removal of any boundaries, anything keeping you from 'letting go' and becoming vulnerable, disappear. this blogging thing allows you to feel like it's just you, you, and only you, AND that you are apart of a larger community - all at once.

here i began to share in such a way i'd never done before. i talked honestly and harshly and openly about all the fears in my dark little heart. i began to let go of the composed, professional, warm and always funny self who always took care of everyone else, always had the answer (or at least a way to find it). began to allow myself to be vulnerable in such a way i'd never done before. which was, is, the whole point of me starting this blog. i need that. i need to get back to challenging myself emotionally with myself. so when i was in a particularly sad, dark, fearful place one day and posted about it, the responses, though supportive, loving, and kind, jolted me back into that protected zone i have. the open, gregarious, and outgoing snail retreated back to the emotional shell she didn't even realize she had until the blog.

"clients?" you say? well, in addition to running a small to mid sized financial, tax, and small business consulting firm with my father, i am a certified life coach. i have a thriving practice focusing solely on women, helping them focus on themselves, set and achieve goals, and map out a life plan. i focus on money, relationships (love and friends), and employment. there. said it.

i hadn't mentioned my coaching practice much here because i felt this blog is meant for me. i can say and feel what i want, how i want. no professional hang ups. just me and my 'stuff'. not to plug my practice. but as i move through my life, i realize that i am my practice. all of me, and my 'stuff', and that brings value to my practice and the women i'm blessed to help.

so i'm glad that my clients know that i have a blog and can see me, their life coach, work through my own 'stuff' and 'be' in the world. through this blog, happily unexpectedly, i'm learning how to receive, not just give.

and again, i'm thankful.


be well :)