MAY IS LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH

may is one of my favorite months. i used to wish my birthday was during this month. it signals spring, rebirth, the end of school, beginning of summer. i've always loved may. i love it now for a different reason....

   MAY is

 LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH

LUPUS is an awful disease that has no cure and, in its worst form, is just as devastating as other horrific and scary things like cancer. i know because i have both, along with a few other critical and life threatening auto-immune diseases. and this may sound crazy, especially because we think of cancer as this alpha/omega of diseases - that there's nothing worse. but i find that my LUPUS (and the LUPUS of many others i know in this fight), is worse than my cancer. although there's no definitive proof of this, we feel that the LUPUS opened the door to my other diseases.

my LUPUS causes so many problems for me, way more than the other diseases. it affects my heart, my lungs, my muscles, my brain, my joints, bones, and muscles.  i have other issues with these same organs (cancer, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis, MS, mixed connective tissue disease), but the LUPUS is all encompassing, every reaching. it keeps me from driving, working ('officially'), making and keeping engagements - both personal and professional. it keeps me from crafting, gardening and cooking, from doing things with my ladybug, friends, family, and doing for myself. it keeps me bound to a walker or a cane or a wheelchair. it makes me struggle to find my words and understand ones spoken to me, from keeping up with and enjoying my favorite tv shows magazines and books. it keeps me from rockin' my favorite pair of 3 inch heels and hanging out in the sun for as long as i want. i never know how i'm going to feel, or be every single day that i wake up, and from hour to hour. i'm in constant, constant pain... pain that you can never get use to. on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst ever, 6 is a regular day for me. and then there's the seizures.....

it's unpredictable nature keeps me from counting on myself in a way that's just so basic to most, and i can feel it slowly yet aggressively trying to take my confidence and my audacity to truly LIVE in spite of it, away from me. and i hate it. i hate what it's done to me, my body, to those who love me, what it continually tries to do to my life.

this is a horrible and insidious disease that has no cure that will kill if given the chance. it strikes (mostly) women from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life in the prime of their lives - as they're just finishing school, staring a business, a family, a new relationship, an exciting career or adventure! this disease turns lives upside down and havoc descends. 

so yes, LUPUS is NO JOKE. and someone you know is affected in some way - either directly or indirectly by this disease. please support them however you can. this fight is hard, and the battle is still raging on. stay tuned during the month for more info about the disease, it's symptoms, and when to go to the doctor. 

be well♥

guilt? sure. but not for this.

for the fist time ever, i used my health as an excuse, and i feel badly about it. guilty. i didn't actually lie about my health - "i can't make it because i have a doctor appt"; "i'm just not feeling well" - no, i just let this someone believe my absence was due to my health. because this someone has a vested interest in my health, me not doing well in particular, the deception wasn't too hard actually. i know that seems morbid.

so why did i do it? i just didn't want to deal with this someone. a key someone. a someone i have to deal with on a regular basis for both personal and professional things. yes, there's history here. this someone has always been a pill, but is now extremely difficult to interact with and in the most basic of ways.  getting a simple question answered without it becoming a one way fussing session about absolutely nothing, or a half-assed attempt at gaslighting, and/or then ending with me getting thrown under the bus.

at times this someone seems to be downright hostile towards me and i'm honestly at a loss for why. i've stopped wondering, hell, i've stopped caring really because i don't put up with bullshit from this or any of the other particular someones. especially ridiculous, no rhyme or reason, manipulative, "what the hell are you talking about?!" bullshit. life is truly just too short.

yes, i used my health as an excuse. no, i've actually never done it before, for any reason. honestly. it's a kind of taboo for me. like the third rail of the chronic/critical/terminal illness rule book. so yes, i did use my health as an excuse. and i do feel a bit guilty for doing it. but not for why i did it.

be well ♥

Resurrection and Rebirth

happy belated easter to you all, i pray that it was a day filled love.


easter, along with Lent, is now over. my family and i participate each year, especially being catholic. i'm blessed and fortunate to have been raised both catholic and baptist, so yes - i had bible study, choir practice and sunday school along with confession, first communion, and confirmation. so each year i get my list ready, it's usually pretty straight forward - cut back on the juices, maybe no swearing, give up junk food, plus weekly fasting. the basics.

but this year was very differently. a few days in to Lent, it just came to me to do it differently this time but didn't know what to do. all i knew was that this time, i wanted to come out on the other side of this thing truly changed. so i stopped what i was doing, chucked the regular 'Lent list', and for three days i really thought about what i could do to bring that about.

the first thing i thought of was how much my spirit had been so uneasy for a while and how i just wanted peace and balance. so i began to think of ways to get back that peace and i remembered what i had previously posted about LAYING MY BURDENS DOWN , which is all about speaking my truth all of the time.  i've always been truthful, sometimes to a fault, but until then, i hadn't done so with two key relationships in my life (my parents), and i decided in that moment that that's what i needed to do. it was what God wanted me to do. so i did.

i also decided to be very mindful of what i sad, my thoughts, my actions and reactions. i counted to 5 before i answered almost everything. i ordered my thoughts and cast out any that weren't positive or didn't do me any good in some way. i examined my feelings in the moment if i could - "why does/did that make me feel this way?" - to better understand my thinking and therefore my actions/reactions. also, i discovered that people dump their energy off on us, consciously or not, and we take it right on without even realizing it! so taking that  count seems to allow me to time to check the other persons energy with a clear mind, then i can decide how to proceed without their energy imposing on me.

"peace be still"

next, i decided to be still. just. be. still. which for me meant to disconnect from technology, no facebook, twitter, tv, and my favorite pastime of listening to talk radio. i went days with noting going but quiet, pages turning, the sound of my own breathing, the birds outside, and the wind. i found that i could actually hear myself think. i found that things came to me quicker, my thinking is clearer. i'm much more decisive. this lead me to meditation. i'd never been big on it, but several days in to my revamped Lent, i saw that Oprah and Depak Chopra were doing a 21 day meditation challenge that would actually end on easter! i took that as a sign and decided to do it.

this Lent has been nothing but revelations and confirmations for me. i truly do see much more clearly now than before. all these things along with a 2 week cleanse, fasting, and drinking nothing but water and tea, have allowed me not just to see, but know more than ever before that God is real. He is real and present in everything, all of the time.

so yes, when i woke up yesterday morning, i truly was changed. reborn and resurrected. i feel i've just scratched the surface. this has been the best Lent ever.

be well!

lay our burdens down

i'm catholic, but more importantly, i'm a christian who, more than any doctrine, dogma, or organization, believes in God the Father, and with that said, i participate in Lent every year. however for this years Lenten journey, i decided to keep with the theme of 'truth'. it's part of this walk i've been on for the last year or so, where i am determined to stand in and own my truth, therefore getting closer to who God meant for me to be, and serve.

so before i made my list of what to 'sacrifice' for the next 40 days, i asked myself what would i take away, but also add so that when i come to the end of Lent, i am truly changed. i gave this some hard thought and prayer, and His voice came to me: "Lay Your Burdens Down".


whoa.


"What are your burdens Angela?" i can't tell you how eerie and right this made me feel because this last year has been deep and emotionally heavy, and worrisome for me. i've been struggling with a couple of troubling relationships that have, at least for me, called into question my dedication and commitment to the truth, my own truth in particular, and it left me feeling like a fraud and hypocrite - especially since i'm a damn good certified life coach who demands this of my own clients.

i began to see that i needed to, no, i had and have to tell the truth about these relationships, especially to their faces, and stop hiding the hurt, drama, and pain they cause. i've long since forgiven them, but thought that since i had, well, then, it was all done with. nope.

so what's the truth? that my self absorbed parents have hurt me deeply and in ways that were just, well... nobody's perfect. and i've pretended and gone along with them because i was the good and dutiful child-teenager-young adult-grown ass woman - who would never 'speak out' nor 'go against' her parents. and because i was a punk when it came to them and they knew it. also because i was afraid to tell the truth. i've been afraid to speak directly to them about anything meaningful - my truth, at all. yes, i have tried. beating around the bush at first, face to face too. but they're better at mental manipulation. so i have written letters, but have never found the courage to deliver them. this has amazed my husband and myself, because i have managed some amazing situations, incredible ordeals, great at politics, and have a knack for negotiating delicate and difficult situations. but when it comes to my parents...? forget about it. hence, the hypocrite.

this has been my burden. i am now laying it down.

what else i'm i doing for lent you ask? i'm being quiet and still so that i can hear God more clearly by 'disconnecting'. i'm being more intentional with my thoughts and actions. i'm drinking nothing but water and some tea. food fasting two days each week. having evening prayer with hubby and ladybug. i am reading my bible. and more importantly, i am laying my burdens down by telling the truth. MY truth.

be well :)

what love is for me

love is my husband. i love him. i truly do. and it has nothing to do with familiarity due to time. he's the strong silent type - physically, emotionally, and character. that's so sexy to me. he's sexy to me, still after 22 years. and i am to him. he's tender and loving. he loves our daughter in the way a dad should. active and concerned who combs her hair almost better than i can. he loves to laugh and always looks for the bright side. he listens. he believes in womanhood, but has no problem donning an apron and scrubbing the toilets, and i haven't done laundry or changed the sheets in at least 15 years. 

i love it when he works in the yard, or on the cars. how he looks at me when he thinks i'm not paying attention. i love his arms. his shoulders. his legs. i love cutting his hair or shaving him and his 3 o'clock shadow. or when he's getting in someones ass for being disrespectful. that base in his voice.... yes.

now don't get me wrong. he's not perfect. our love isn't perfect.
 

but he loves me without question. all of me. COMPLETELY. i don't have to hide. he kisses my boo-boos. he believes, no, he knows i can do anything. he thinks i'm pretty. he flirts with me. i am his queen.

we've been through it these last several years with my health. i mean things that would rip most marriages apart, but yet we are only stronger, we love and appreciate each other more and more. he is amazing. 

again, he is not perfect. however, he's pretty damn close to it for me.  

juan is love for me. 


 

finally

alright everyone. after extreme procrastination (fear really), long heart to hearts with myself and God, juan fussing at me to get off my ass and just do it, and prayer.... i've decided to do my own talk radio show.

as many of you may already know, i am a certified life coach  (www.coachangela.com) with a busy practice helping women get their acts together around money/financial literacy, love, career transitions, goal identification and accomplishment, and well, just getting through life's tough spots.  i absolutely LOVE what i do and feel i've been called by God to do this work, which is why i feel it's a blessing every day. but i've been running from this radio show idea for the last 2 years because i wanted everything to be perfect (anal capricorn), and waiting for the ideal time.....
the website and blogs updated, the marketing done and ready to go, the format and 6-9 months worth of topics in the hopper and waiting, along with a few guests lined up.  

NOT. there is no such thing as perfect nor ideal, and i know that. i don't have even half of all that stuff ready to go. there is no ideal time to step out on faith, except for the moment you actually do it.

now that i've set a date and put it out into the universe, it's now real and i must do this. honor God really, because i know it's Him who's pulling me, pushing me really, to do this. you all know how He can be. it's like a rock in my shoe. dang it.

i'm scared.

so what will this show be all about you ask? well, it will be just an extension of my coaching practice and situations and solutions i come across while working with my father in our financial and small business consulting firm. along with lots of  "me" and my story, for good measure. oh, and a little bit of nonsense i'm sure. you all know how i LOVE to talk, so we'll see..

there's that fear again. danm. deep breath. i know in my bones that i'm supposed to be doing this. but i'm scared.

no one knows me. who am i to be talking about anything, right? why would anyone want to listen to me? what do i have to say that's meaningful?

damn,. fear. deep breath.

i can do this. i will do this. ok. so there.

stay tuned. the show will launch the week of february 18th.

coach angela's blog

still chewing

heya,

lately i've had so much to blog about... events, thoughts, just wanting to vent, just wanting to share. things occur to me while i'm driving, on line at the store, or as i'm nodding off to sleep, but when it's time to sit down and actually write about whatever it was, i can't. or i subsequently only half the story.

usually, it's because i've chickened out honestly. i'll start to feel that it's too much to shaerw with a semi anonymous public, or that it may be about my own feelings about a situation involving others, and that i could be breaking confidence, telling their business, or hurting feelings. and then getting overwhelmed by all that i want to say, share. i get overwhelmed because it's a lot. a lot of hashing out emotion, figuring it out, thinking about it. sometimes i don't want to do that. then i realized the other day, that I DON'T! 

LIBERATION.

i can still write about all what's going on with me without having to have the answers or have figured it all out by the end of the post. even if it involves others.... i'm not 'talking' about them or 'telling their business' since it's MY experience, my perspective, my truth. SO WHAT. (in my best Madea voice) 

so stay tuned my friends!