blue

again, so sorry for being missing in action. i can't say that i've been busy. i can't say that i've been sick.

i've just been, well..... blue.

not depressed. just, blue. i am realizing that i have been slowly, slowly giving in to my diseases and situation. not necessarily in a conscious way. but yes, in a way, consciously. each day i would knowingly surrender. decide that i'm not going to be present in my life a little bit at a time... by not stretching today. i'm not going to read today. decide not to talk to clients today. not to get on the computer. not to answer the phone. not to cook. not to craft. to just not be me. not to fight anymore.

i'm tired. i'm tired of being sick. and i'm tired of this fight. i want a different fight. is that even possible? i mean, really. i realize that i've sort of been on pause - just waiting, in a way, for all of this to be finished. you know, like when you're watching a bad movie. or in a meeting you don't want to be in. or when you picked up the phone and realized it's not someone you really wanted to talk to at that moment. just waiting. waiting to be finished so i can move on. i've got things to do, places to go, people to see and be with. ya know?

while struggling with what to do to not be so blue, i see that i've even not blogged about all that i'm feeling for fear of alarming, being borish, or, heaven forbid... sounding all "woe is me-ish" and in need of some "there, there now...". which i probably do need now that i think about it, lol!
i was just shaking it all off, the blueness, and trying to kick tinybutt back into gear when i was at another doctors appointment last week. i got some not so great news, which i new was coming, but just didn't want to hear, or deal with. i just don't want to deal with this shit anymore. so, it just smacked the blue right back on me. and here i sit. feeling alone. and blue.

it's so hard, i feel, because i do feel alone. eventhough i know i'm not. i have a few close sister friends i could confide in. and a ton more acquaintences that always offer their ear. and i do appreciate that. yet that's so hard for me to do. i'm the one they come to for the "there, there's". i'm the one that makes it all clear and safe and ok for them. hell it's who i am and it's what i do.
you see, i am a professional certified life coach. have been for a very long while. and i love it. besides my family and friends, it really keeps me going because it helps me feel so useful and relevant. but. because i'm the 'go to' person, the one who (according to everyone else) has all the answers, or can at least help figure it out, find a way, always know's what to say and how to say it....it's so very hard for me to be vulnerable to someone else. that's really the main reason why i began blogging. so i could be annonymously vulnerable. because i do need to be able to.

but, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. and i want to be ok with being emotionally naked in my world. bare and honest. but how do i make others, those closest to me, feel ok with that. will they understand me. no. i've tried. they're scared. and that's ok. but where does that leave me in the mean time.

blue. feeling it, and then moving on.


be well :)

oh, the agony...!

no, no, no!! say it aint so!

i have sattelite television, direct tv to be exact, and have been perfectly happy with them for the last 6 years. not a problem. until this morning.

everyone who knows me knows that i really like oprah (i don't care what anybody says!), and now am in complete love with her 'oprah and friends' radio programs, which include all her friends - dr. oz, gail, jean chatzky, dr. robin smith, rodney and holly robinson-peete, marianne williamson, dr. maya angelou, rabbi shmuley, along with a few others. well, i really just 'love,love, love' the programs that are on during the time zone that i listen in 8am-2pm (jean, shmuley, gail, marianne, and dr. robin-i brake at 10 however to catch the hot mess at 'the view' which is the first 20-30minutes). and i sometimes try to schedule my appointments around them.

not today. not tomorrow. not ever. as long as i have direct tv.

i turned to the channel and ..... nothing. just blackness. whuh?!?! huh?!?!? i immediately called up the cable company to find out what they've done to my programs. it's a sad day today. for me, a sad day indeed.

well, until i shake off this stunning sense of loss and then figure out what the heck i'm gonna do about it... i'm off to go mourn now.

be well :)

rememberance

so many have given so much. let us not forget. we must not forget. or we are doomed to repeat.

i honor those who sacrafice, for us, for me.

thank you.

a small trip back

i've been really under the weather lately physically, and emotionally. so, since i've written about feeling this way before, and feeling the need to still write about it. i just thought i'd repost and earlier one. interesting how not that much has changed really.

i'm not on regular chemo treatments; i get them "PRN" (means as needed), only if i'm having a crisis, or the disease gets aggressive. actually, if i can go another 30 days my docs will declare me stable, but not in remission.

in the meantime, here's how i'm feeling:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

shootin' blanks

"so i've probably filled you in on some of my health issues and health related what nots, and how i'm really trying to come to terms with just how sick i really am. it's hard. i don't want to believe that my body, and now (as of 10/06) my brain is failing me. one of the things that i'm dealing with is short term memory loss. at least that's the the doctors are calling it. short term memory loss(stml). short term. doesn't short term mean for a little while, temporary, will be over soon? well, i'm still waiting. this whole escalation of my diseases happened in october 2006. on my wedding anniversery no less. i keep hoping that i'll wake up tomorrow and it will be all over, at least the memory issue.

yes, it's gotten so much better since october. truly. BUT. i'm getting frustrated. for the most part, i can see that i've come a very long way, and am very thankful for the support and prayers i've recieved, and i know that it will take time. time. TIME.

right now i'm sick of that. sick and tired of hearing that, of telling myself that. of being patient. you see, i'm the one that's patient with everyone.... except with myself. i don't know how to be that for myself. how to give that to myself. i should know how to, right? i gave to everyone else. shouldn't it be easy? well, it's not. along with a whole list of other things i should be able to do for myself.

i 'm tired of not knowing if i've had this conversation already, asked that question before. i have to write everything down. more than twice most of the time. i was in the store the other day and i saw someone i think knew me, but didn't say anything to me, just sort of "acted" like we didn't know each other. but i really felt like we did. there was something in her eyes that gave it away. all i have is my gut feeling. i don't remember, but sometimes i just have a feeling. it's really difficult to do so many things now. things that everyone takes for granted. things that i use to just do. like multi tasking (impossible practically,lol!!), or remembering how to get somewhere that you go a thousand times. just watching a tv show is a major challenge. its hard to follow, especially trying to watch movies. its all i can do to keep up with my ladybugs childrens programming the sprout channel! (you know, barney...). like the other day dh and i were going to get lb registered in her summer gymnastic camp. i knew exactly where it was, could see it in my mind. but i could remember how to tell dh where to go, or if we were even heading the right way. hell, i knew where i was, but didn't really know where i was! do you understand? it's more than just having a brain fart. you see, i was always the go to person. i knew everything, and remembered even more. i had this close to photographic memory. reliable like the sun rising and setting. now?

i use to be very well spoken, articulate, and cogent. a pretty good, and very confident public speaker, if i must say so myself. now...?? well, let's just say that it's probably all you can do to understand me. yeah, i'm typing like all is well, but trust me! this is not how i really speak. my sentance structure and spelling is that of a kindergartener. when i talk it sounds as if i'm deaf, or from some exotic country, or speaking baby talk, depending on how i'm feeling. it's so hard now to get my point accross. to say what i really am meaning to say. in addition to stml i have a combination of broca's and wernicke's aphasia. broca's is when it takes great effort for one to talk and have problems with grammar and speak short telegraphic sentences, such as "get water". wernicke's is when it's easy to talk, but i use the wrong words, the wrong sounds, or make up words. Much of what some people say may sound like "nonsense". i go back and forth depending on what's going on - if i'm tired, in pain, having swelling in the language center of the brain (vasculitis), or had a siezure.

everytime i look at dh or my ladybug, i get scared, angry, frustrated. it's also very funny. lb will say "ok momy, i'm going to have another cup of pudding because you're going to forget that i already had one". how can i stay angry, and frustrated for long? lol! i've since had to pull a 'mommy' on her and i pretend that my memory is just fine. i let her see me as i am except that. i do not want to put that on her. for some reason i feel like she can handle my physical disabilities, heck, she thinks it's fun at times (she gets to ride in my wheelchair with me sometimes, or play with my quite fancy shmacy cane!), but worry about the memory issues on her. she asked me one day if i was able to remember to take care of her, get her milk, cheerios, etc. the look of mixed genuine concern and fear and sadness on her face nearly broke me. my god i love her. oh, and the thought of my dh. i'm watching him now watching me struggle to type this. heartbreaking, really.

how do i describe to you what its like? i'm struggling with that. can you imagine looking at a picture of you and some loved ones, and having absolutely no memery, or even a feeling of it? nothing. just blank. that's it. just blank. i think that's the best i can do. it's blank. blankness. lots of it too. all running together.anyway. i'm angry and frustrated and scared right now. very. i'm shootin' blanks. there. i do feel better now. "

~~~~~~~~~~~

and i do feel better now. thanks for being here.


be well, be strong :)

my tree, the rainbow, and a little bit of chat

it rained pretty bad earlier in the week... we've been havign the craziest weather all year. it's usually indian summer this time of year, and it sort of is. been in the upper 70's for several weeks. it was in the mid 80's the week that my brother fred was here (which was just 2 weeks ago).

but it turned really cold when it rained. i mean cold. we even turned the heater on and we're those types that say "hey, put a sweater and a pair of socks on!". so i guess fall/winter is on it's way, and i have a feeling that it's gonna be a rough winter.

with that said, i also think that summer isn't quite ready to go to bed yet. after it poured, stormed, the sun came out. not creeping out, not peeking out. but with a vengence. bright, strong, beautiful.

then, through our upper windows above our living room, a rainbow.

ladybugs first rainbow.

then, there's my tree. my beautiful tree. a glorious contrast, and a perfect example of our indian summer. it so golden that it lights up the house (i LOVE my house) in the afternoon! i have the privledge of gazing at this work of god everyday, all day.

isn't what i see gorgeous?! that's what you'd see as you walk in my house. you'd also see me sitting on my comfy blue sofa (my spot), gazing out at my tree. hey... babz has sat there! lol!

so, i'm sure you can guess by now, and if you've followed my blog you know, that i've finally figured out how to manipulate the pics in my blog. i'm still workign on it how to get captions and boarders on them though. hang in there with me!

also, i had the privledge of listening in on, and participating (as a caller) to a new blog talk radio program tonight called RAW DAWG RADIO (every thursdays at 11pm est), put on by my blog pals kelso, the man...raw dawg (dr. stephens), and my big sis (warrior queen) babz. it was fabulous! it's an actual radio program just via the computer. you can listen in (via computer), call in, or log onto the chat room. kelso and dr. stephens are an amazing wealth of information covering both domestic and international politics, money matters, and business. whan i say deep, i mean deep! if you are interested in todays world affairs and how they affect us directly, or if you are looking to learn more about how this world really works, you must check them out!

well, it's way past my bedtime (eventhough the time stamp says different), so i'm off to get my pearls (doesn't every princess sleep in pearls??) and head to slumber land...

night, night :)

yes, we did!

as i sit here, in tears, i have no words.

BARACK OBAMA IS NOW THE PRESIDENT ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES.

i feel hope has come. i feel change has come. and it feels so good.

how many of us had forgotten what hope felt like? the feeling of hope on a large scale. the feeling of the excitement that only hope brings.

i watch the people on tv. the crowds chering. crying. the faces, full of excitement, that yes, maybe now, hope has come. and with it, change. it's in their faces. their eyes.

it began with yes, we can. and now.... YES, WE DID!!

be well :)

trying something different, new

hey,

so my girl babz, along with D and juan, have convinced me to try to write a book. yep. a book. my goal is to discuss the journey one unwillingly goes on when diagnosed with a supposedly life ending diseases. to discuss this journey from the perspective of a woman who's african american navigating all the known and unknown emotional, spiritual, and most importantly, cultural landmines. but really, it's just my own perspective.

i have found, however, that the cultural (racial) aspect is significant. i wouldn't have thoguht it to be such a big deal in the begining, but it is. so i feel it should be addressed.

also, i now think my journey, my experience, may need to be revealed. to be shared. shared with the many women who, like me, do too much. who don't take care of themselves properly. who don't put themselves first. who come after any and every thing and one. every child, family member, church auxillary/function. those who pimp themselves willingly for any and every cause, 50% off sale, friend, job, and man (i'll adress that latter..). and they need badly to hear how significantly it negatively affects their overall health. mental. physical. emotional. spiritual.

i digress. i think i may be ready to share my journey. expose the issues i have, that have been uncovered, magnafied, escalated by having to dealing with heath crisis right at the begining of the prime of my life, and the fallout because of it. i now think they should be shared. i think i'm ready to share them.

i'm not an eloquent writer, at all. i still have neurological issues and don't always know if i'm getting my point accross in the manner i intend (i have brocca's aphasia to name just one), and i tend to babble now. but i will do my best, because i really hope this edeavor will help someone. so bear with me. i am scared. but that's good, right..?

be well :)

...i'm having a hard time hitting the 'publish post' button...? if i hit it, will that make it real?