lay our burdens down

i'm catholic, but more importantly, i'm a christian who, more than any doctrine, dogma, or organization, believes in God the Father, and with that said, i participate in Lent every year. however for this years Lenten journey, i decided to keep with the theme of 'truth'. it's part of this walk i've been on for the last year or so, where i am determined to stand in and own my truth, therefore getting closer to who God meant for me to be, and serve.

so before i made my list of what to 'sacrifice' for the next 40 days, i asked myself what would i take away, but also add so that when i come to the end of Lent, i am truly changed. i gave this some hard thought and prayer, and His voice came to me: "Lay Your Burdens Down".


whoa.


"What are your burdens Angela?" i can't tell you how eerie and right this made me feel because this last year has been deep and emotionally heavy, and worrisome for me. i've been struggling with a couple of troubling relationships that have, at least for me, called into question my dedication and commitment to the truth, my own truth in particular, and it left me feeling like a fraud and hypocrite - especially since i'm a damn good certified life coach who demands this of my own clients.

i began to see that i needed to, no, i had and have to tell the truth about these relationships, especially to their faces, and stop hiding the hurt, drama, and pain they cause. i've long since forgiven them, but thought that since i had, well, then, it was all done with. nope.

so what's the truth? that my self absorbed parents have hurt me deeply and in ways that were just, well... nobody's perfect. and i've pretended and gone along with them because i was the good and dutiful child-teenager-young adult-grown ass woman - who would never 'speak out' nor 'go against' her parents. and because i was a punk when it came to them and they knew it. also because i was afraid to tell the truth. i've been afraid to speak directly to them about anything meaningful - my truth, at all. yes, i have tried. beating around the bush at first, face to face too. but they're better at mental manipulation. so i have written letters, but have never found the courage to deliver them. this has amazed my husband and myself, because i have managed some amazing situations, incredible ordeals, great at politics, and have a knack for negotiating delicate and difficult situations. but when it comes to my parents...? forget about it. hence, the hypocrite.

this has been my burden. i am now laying it down.

what else i'm i doing for lent you ask? i'm being quiet and still so that i can hear God more clearly by 'disconnecting'. i'm being more intentional with my thoughts and actions. i'm drinking nothing but water and some tea. food fasting two days each week. having evening prayer with hubby and ladybug. i am reading my bible. and more importantly, i am laying my burdens down by telling the truth. MY truth.

be well :)

what love is for me

love is my husband. i love him. i truly do. and it has nothing to do with familiarity due to time. he's the strong silent type - physically, emotionally, and character. that's so sexy to me. he's sexy to me, still after 22 years. and i am to him. he's tender and loving. he loves our daughter in the way a dad should. active and concerned who combs her hair almost better than i can. he loves to laugh and always looks for the bright side. he listens. he believes in womanhood, but has no problem donning an apron and scrubbing the toilets, and i haven't done laundry or changed the sheets in at least 15 years. 

i love it when he works in the yard, or on the cars. how he looks at me when he thinks i'm not paying attention. i love his arms. his shoulders. his legs. i love cutting his hair or shaving him and his 3 o'clock shadow. or when he's getting in someones ass for being disrespectful. that base in his voice.... yes.

now don't get me wrong. he's not perfect. our love isn't perfect.
 

but he loves me without question. all of me. COMPLETELY. i don't have to hide. he kisses my boo-boos. he believes, no, he knows i can do anything. he thinks i'm pretty. he flirts with me. i am his queen.

we've been through it these last several years with my health. i mean things that would rip most marriages apart, but yet we are only stronger, we love and appreciate each other more and more. he is amazing. 

again, he is not perfect. however, he's pretty damn close to it for me.  

juan is love for me. 


 

finally

alright everyone. after extreme procrastination (fear really), long heart to hearts with myself and God, juan fussing at me to get off my ass and just do it, and prayer.... i've decided to do my own talk radio show.

as many of you may already know, i am a certified life coach  (www.coachangela.com) with a busy practice helping women get their acts together around money/financial literacy, love, career transitions, goal identification and accomplishment, and well, just getting through life's tough spots.  i absolutely LOVE what i do and feel i've been called by God to do this work, which is why i feel it's a blessing every day. but i've been running from this radio show idea for the last 2 years because i wanted everything to be perfect (anal capricorn), and waiting for the ideal time.....
the website and blogs updated, the marketing done and ready to go, the format and 6-9 months worth of topics in the hopper and waiting, along with a few guests lined up.  

NOT. there is no such thing as perfect nor ideal, and i know that. i don't have even half of all that stuff ready to go. there is no ideal time to step out on faith, except for the moment you actually do it.

now that i've set a date and put it out into the universe, it's now real and i must do this. honor God really, because i know it's Him who's pulling me, pushing me really, to do this. you all know how He can be. it's like a rock in my shoe. dang it.

i'm scared.

so what will this show be all about you ask? well, it will be just an extension of my coaching practice and situations and solutions i come across while working with my father in our financial and small business consulting firm. along with lots of  "me" and my story, for good measure. oh, and a little bit of nonsense i'm sure. you all know how i LOVE to talk, so we'll see..

there's that fear again. danm. deep breath. i know in my bones that i'm supposed to be doing this. but i'm scared.

no one knows me. who am i to be talking about anything, right? why would anyone want to listen to me? what do i have to say that's meaningful?

damn,. fear. deep breath.

i can do this. i will do this. ok. so there.

stay tuned. the show will launch the week of february 18th.

coach angela's blog

still chewing

heya,

lately i've had so much to blog about... events, thoughts, just wanting to vent, just wanting to share. things occur to me while i'm driving, on line at the store, or as i'm nodding off to sleep, but when it's time to sit down and actually write about whatever it was, i can't. or i subsequently only half the story.

usually, it's because i've chickened out honestly. i'll start to feel that it's too much to shaerw with a semi anonymous public, or that it may be about my own feelings about a situation involving others, and that i could be breaking confidence, telling their business, or hurting feelings. and then getting overwhelmed by all that i want to say, share. i get overwhelmed because it's a lot. a lot of hashing out emotion, figuring it out, thinking about it. sometimes i don't want to do that. then i realized the other day, that I DON'T! 

LIBERATION.

i can still write about all what's going on with me without having to have the answers or have figured it all out by the end of the post. even if it involves others.... i'm not 'talking' about them or 'telling their business' since it's MY experience, my perspective, my truth. SO WHAT. (in my best Madea voice) 

so stay tuned my friends!

Phenomenal Women

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!

hey y'all!
i hope you all are well. yes, it's been a while, and i'm so sorry that it's been a trend. i was having security issues with blogger, but hoping that they'll be resolved soon. with that said, let's dive in shall we?

in continuing on with what was supposed to be last years theme of being truly honest with myself, and the realization that i'd been hiding from my blog because of it, i realized that i don't talk much about my parents or other immediate family here. well the truth is that it wasn't a 'realization' at all really. i was hiding that part of my life on purpose for various reasons, but nothing deep and dark... at least not to me. (key words here "to me") that was the realization.

i don't have much of a relationship with my mom, and i don't talk much about her here because i know it would bother her deeply. she'd be offended, annoyed, and pissed. i'm sure of that because most of what i'd say wouldn't be flattering, unfortunately. she'd feel that i was revealing all things 'deep and dark', but, again, not to me. it would just be my truth. i'll get in to the in's and out's of all that latter. let's get to the heart of this post, which does has something to do with my mom really.

because of mommy (and dear daddy of course!) my birthday is on christmas, and my immediate family - her, my brother and his beautiful family (wifey and 4 boys!) - gathered to have dinner and celebrate each other and the kids. well, mommy dearest loves drama, so it was a guest as well. and in the aftermath of the drama, i discovered with such certainty something amazing...

that i am a truly blessed woman to have some absolutely amazing women in my life. strong, outrageously funny, beyond courageous, talented, determined, caring, incredibly intelligent, oh so beautiful... i could go on really. i am in awe of them every day. they fill me with joy, happiness, and laughter. they share themselves with me in ways that i am honored. they allow me to see life through their eyes, which gives me such amazing perspective. they comfort me, protect me, mother me, and remind me that i do matter in such a way that it's as if they birthed me themselves. they are some of my loudest and biggest cheerleaders. they are my cousins and friends, but in reality.. they are my mothers and sisters and i'm so thankful for them. i may not talk with them often, or even regularly, but they are loved, and i know they love me. more important, they continue to remind me that being a woman, and a mother, is an amazing thing.

i love you.

11 years ago this day...

hi everyone i do this almost every year, my 'ode to ladybyug', and at least for me, it never gets old, only better. 

 

on this day eleven years ago, juan and i were blessed with a wonderfully precious creature, a gift really - lauren camille 'ladybug'. 

 

today is ladybug's 11th birthday. at 5:39pm and 17 seconds to be exact. wow. double digits. i'm actually, unexpectedly, having a hard time with it. ok parents of older, multiple kids... how do you handle your children growing up? how do you cope with the fear and anxiety of it all? so far, i've just focused on the positive and deal with whatever else comes up, as it comes. i guess that's all i can do.

 

many of you know that we've changed her schools and it's definitely paying off, she'd thriving, but still having a tough time of it. you know, new school, and it's a new middle school, that's a tough time for anything, let alone this kind of change. new people, new rules, new teachers, new everything to get accustomed to after being at her old school her whole life, it's all she's known. now she has to get up earlier because we are no longer just down the street from school. it's a harder, more academic school, so there's more work and it's harder. plus the girls. they're just different. and she's not used to this 'kind of different'. yes, it's been hard for her. but... she's such a trooper! she never complains, never whines. she almost always has a smile and a 'let's do this!' attitude. what courage! my God i love her so.

she's a true miracle. i was told i couldn't conceive, let alone actually carry a child to term. i had already lost 2 before her, and once since (as recently as 3 years ago at 5 months pregnant). i was sick for most of my pregnancy. really sick. and amazingly she was just fine. it got to the point where my body couldn't go on any longer, and ladybug was delivered at 32 weeks. a tiny tiny thing who needed no medical support at all. my OB/GYN still marvels at that. and my was she tiny. too tiny for me to touch - even the preemie clothing was too big for her! i was afraid of her. to look at her now, 11 years later, you'd never know she was a preemie. nothing but God. 

 I Have A Confession To Make:

i love ladybug. lauren camille. i love her. no, I LOVE HER. still no. that's not enough. those words just aren't enough. ok, i just looked up some synonyms for love: adoration, tenderness, affection, devotion, on and on.... nope, still not enough. not enough to truly capture and express what i feel about her. for her.

she makes me feel so many other things as well, that to me  all seem to be related to the love and pure adoration i have for her : frustration, passion, fear, frustration, anger, giddiness, fascination, and amazement. and the need to protect her with my life.

i find that all i want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her. be near her. smell her, well.... not smell her all the time, she's now 11 after all, lol!. but you get what i'm saying, right? i love her nose, the way she pouches out her lips. i love just watching her. how she 'zones out' when she's totally into a movie. how her eyes truly light up when she's excited. the sounds she makes, hearing her make up a song about birds. watching her play by herself. i love her curly hair (most of the time), and i love it when she asks me questions and is really listening to my answer as if life itself depended on it. i love how she touches me. oh, to watch her sleep. especially that. how many of you check on your kids in the middle of the night while they're sleep? i do. i wake up and creep into her room, and listen for her breathing, a light snore if she's had a full day. if i can't hear her, then i creep closer, carefully though, not to wake her up. and touch her, to make sure, you know? yeah, you do. 

and the absolute best thing ever?? when she calls me 'mommy'. there's a particular way she says it that just makes my heart soar. and then there's the way she says it when she's up to no doggone good, lol. and yes, that one brings me joy too. 

it's not often that she's up to no good. really. juan and i are constantly wondering if and when the 'other shoe is gonna drop'. she was an easy baby. and easy toddler. and an easy kid. really. she's openly compassionate, caring, thoughtful, and empathetic. if anything, these things get her into trouble at times, because she's so busy thinking of everyone else that she forgets to handle her own business! she's not a whiner. she comes home and gets right to her homework without much ado, doesn't complain about taking a bath, and is always looking for ways to help around the house. again - she'd rather help me unload the dishwasher and sweep the kitchen than clean her own room! 

now don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those parents who puts their kid on a pedestal, and feels they can do no wrong. ladybug is no angel and can be a real 'pill' if you know what i mean. she's notorious for telling it like it is, and will throw you under the bus in a new york second all in the name of truth and 'the right thing to do'. but a truly sweet and gentle soul she is. my God i love her.

i just pray that she doesn't wake up one day and all has changed!

my favorite part of the day is the beginning and the end. in the morning, she gets up and gets in our bed just after juan has gone to work, and we talk, laugh, cuddle, giggle, chat, and play before it's time to get ready for school. what a wonderful way for me to start my day! she, for me, is pure joy. it's a love that for me is total, complete, and all consuming for her.  she is my joy.

 

 my ladybug. mmmmm.

end of a season

hello friends!
yes i'm still around, have just had a lot on my plate this summer. no worries, i'm still here! yes, i've had a few health crisis, but all is well! now on to the main event.


what do you say to someone you've considered to be your dearest, closest friend, a friend of more than 20 years, someone you've been through quite a bit with, someone you respect and truly look up to because of what they've survived and how they've managed to put their life together - when they tell you that they no longer know how to be your friend now that you're sick?

ouch.

i was stunned.


now, they didn't actually use those words, but that's exactly what they were saying. now, we'd never been the kind of friends who hung on each others every word, had to be in each others presence constantly, or chat daily. first, i'm not that kind of chick, but mainly, we had trust. and we were the kind of friends where we've always told each other the truth, kept it real, called each other on our 'stuff'. and like many great friendships, a lot has been shared - in good times and bad. i had always felt we had the ideal kind of friendship really. we called when we needed each other, needed support, a break from reality, or a good laugh. my God could we laugh!! especially at ourselves with each other.

we had lost each other for a little while - college, marriage, jobs, and babies happened - we grew up a bit and we somehow managed to find our way back, and it still felt the same, good... at least for me. i was mistaken.

now i really understand the old adage about friendship... something about a season and a reason.

as we were sitting there in the restaurant playing 'what's new with you', the words just rolled off their tongue. it's still a bit fuzzy, but i don't even think there was a moment of awkwardness as they spoke them. i just took it in, as my heart broke.

so what did i say? nothing.

i continued chatting like everything was everything. well, i did ask them a few follow up questions, like what did they mean exactly, when they said what they said. but honestly, the answer just doesn't matter now. it didn't matter then because in that moment i saw the truth - that the friendship was not what i had always thought it to be, and that, for the most part, it was over.
 
it's been about 2 years now, and i often wonder if there was something i did/didn't do. say/didn't say.  or if it was as simple as they just didn't want to be my friend anymore. (maybe because i just don't fit in to their life now? maybe it's just too difficult for them to be a sick persons friend? maybe i'm not who they want/need me to be anymore? maybe i'm not enough/too much?) and if that's the case, then how do you say that to someone who thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread and potato chips? poor thing.

i'm blessed to have some amazing people in my life. true friends really, that will walk through fire for me and my family. this is a blessing because i do know that it's rare to get such true friends like the ones i have. and this has been difficult for me, because it's clear to me that this person has left an unfillable space in my life, that i thought would be filled with all these wonderful people. i'm not sure if that came out right, so i hope you get what i'm trying to express.

so what do you say or do in a situation like this? i've said nothing still, after two years. i just continue to bless them and their family, always wishing them well and cheering for them from afar. 

life goes on. as it should. a reason and a season, right?

be well friends
:)