Wednesday, March 28, 2012

hiding no longer...

well hello there

i have been hiding from my blog. 

at first i didn't realize it, but then i became aware that that's what i was doing. and why would i ever hide from my blog, of all things, you ask? well, because this is where, if no where else, i insist on being myself AND telling the truth. that's not to say i don't tell the truth or am not myself everywhere else in my life. oh no. any and everyone who knows me, knows that truth and being oneself is so very important to me. so no, i'm not one of those chicks who wouldn't know the truth if it knocked her in the head then tripped over it. 

but i have been hiding from 'me' lately, because i just didn't want to deal with the truth - my truth. which is that i am sick. no, i'm not just now realizing that i'm sick, but i see that i am still struggling to get my head around the fact i have limitations because of my health (and i don't like limitations!). but also hiding from the truth of what, to me, i was turning into - someone who was so busy lying about and covering up how i was really feeling (in terms of my health - not disclosing symptoms, pain, side effects, etc.), that i began to loose my sense of self and how i really felt about everything else. i think i didn't want to deal with things in general because i didn't want to deal with things related to my health. i just wanted to curl up on my comfy blue sofa and stare off into space while the foodnetwork played in the background (still do!). and whenever i would or do just that... avoiding things i feel i should be doing, or avoiding things that needed my attention, like - working on the foundation i started for the one (of many) disease i have that gets little to no attention (The Butterfly Project for Lupus); i'm in the process of re-launching my life coaching practice (Coach Angela), which i'm thankful is doing well, but i'm being 'called' to take it to another level; i run a thriving financial and small business management consulting firm with my father (i'm the CEO, he's the CFO) - i feel tremendous guilt. i hate using my health as an excuse or reason for not getting done what i feel i should have been able to. i know, don't say it....i'm working on that. 

anyway, i feel like i'm all over the place. but the bottom line is that i have not been truthful with myself nor those around me on so many levels, which is part of why i'm feeling 'stuck', and have avoided my blog because i promised myself that i would only tell the truth here. and i'm tired of feeling, being stuck. 

so no more hiding. no more lies.

be well :)


Moanerplicity said...

Wow. Just wow. I had no idea you were suffering from something so serious. You're not alone. Trust me. We are ALL dealing with something.

It's not always necessary to talk about it to others (most times they ain't tryna hear it), as long as we have some keeping-it-real-moments w/ ourselves... & the health care pros get the truth.

Also meds are a mofo. Trust. This is something I know intimately. A few weeks ago, I was under the desperately sad & quiet impression that I was dying, like very soon, because of the sudden muscle weakness, an odd strain in my legs, arms & chest & how the smallest of things & simple activities would leave me feeling EXHAUSTED. Completely & utterly exhausted as if I'd ran the NYC marathon when all I'd done was to hang a coat in my closet. Imagine something like that making you feel EXHAUSTED!

It was like living w/ a 90 year old under my skin.

But gradually that's been letting up as one pill regimen shifts into another. Beginning to feel like myself again. Not like I might die next week.

No! This isn't really about me. I'm telling you all this because perhaps it's the meds you're on, the side-effects you aren't even aware of that when combined put you in a funk & make you think darker than usual thoughts.

I hope you'll be okay. Deal with your illness as best as you can & TRY NOT to be too hard on yourself, should you ever have one of those Stupid Human Moments.

It's okay. It's normal. It's cool. You're allowed.

That's it. That's all.

Snatch JOY!


Moanerplicity said...

Wow! What happened to my earlier comment?

I hope you got to read the comment I left you yesterday. It was very long & deeply biographical, so I won't be repeating it.

Just know that you're NOT alone. We are all going thru something. Trust.

And it's okay not to constantly discuss your illness, obsess or think of it 24/7, just as long as you keep it real w/ your healthcare providers. Please continue to take care of yourself.

Uplifting you in prayer.

Snatch JOY!


Lovebabz said...

Get your ass off off that pretty blue couch and blog.

You have lots to tell us! Get to telling us! we all have our moments, but we push through. and who pushes through better than you? No fucking body!

So I am glad you are back in the blogosphere sucking the blog rays! it's nice rolling over here to read a new post.

Stay on the grind mama!

Princess Tinybutt said...

@ling - i thank you for sharing u with me. i truly understand sickness and death chasing u around just for fun. please come back and stay for a while.

@babz - i will ALWAYS be on my comfy blue sofa!!! but you're right, so i'll get back to grinding now...


laurie said...

welcome back. you've been missed. xo