bionic woman

well, back in the saddle again. i'm in the hospital. much six months ago to the week from my last stay. i'm known to friends and family for not being the best patient. and i can be difficult. but i mean that in a very good way. yes, i am stubborn. strong willed. determined as all get out. yeah, i do what i want to do - when, and mostly how i want to do it. but that's it. not much trouble at all really.

the nurses say i'm a joy and an inspiration. my PT's and OT's are amzazed at my ability to adapt and flow with the situation. so there, i'm not the superbad hospital *b*i*t*c*h* you all think i am. (well, maybe just a little bit). so i said all that to say that i'm back in the same place i was six months ago. only not really. when i was here last, i was angry. scared. and oh so ready to go home. i was in no mood to be thinking about my life other than how my health is interfering with it.

so now? i welcome this inconvenience. this time out. this opportunity to continue my examination of this, my journey.

then off to chemo. again.

stay tuned because i've got some pics to post of ladybug and i goofing off around the hospital floor and in my room, and then dinner time.

be well :)

here we go again...part 2?

well, here i am at 11:42pm curled up on my big blue sofa. it's the night before my surgery and i'm exhausted. emotionally. totally drained.

mainly because i am just so very tired of all this health rigamarole. shit really. it's so old now and i'm so over it. i am angry. frustrated. hurt. scared. there. i said it. yeah. that's it.

here i am again. almost exactly 6 months to the day. not as twisted really. just tired of it all. tired as in giving up? hell no. my life is too damn good. no, my life? great! yeah, i could use some work here and there. but i am just so damn tired of this all. this health rigamamarole. it's so very old now and i am so very over it.

and on top of this all, my mommy dearest is at her best. i get that she just doesn't love me like that. how a mommy should love her baby. she can't. and that's fine. tears. i want a mommy right now. tears. need comfort. tears. could really use one right now. tears. oh well.

which brings me to my baby. oh my love, so sweet yes she is. more tears. too many. so here's a portion of the post about ladybug i did the night before the first surgery back in september. every last bit of this is the absolute truth and pretty is much how tongiht went and for how i feel at this very moment.

"...so now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking. about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in the palm of little her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip is so smooth, an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said softly "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's something about the way she says "tomorrow". she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hug from my own mommy, and with the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this....."


thank you everyone!

biking along and other stuff

in my now ocassionaly usual fashion, i had forgotten to post a few pics and the short stories that go along with them. so the first batch are of ladybug learning how to ride her new bike pop got her as a late christmas present. she got a bike at the wee age of 3 and has been refusing to learn how to ride ever since.
well, my pop was having none of that any longer. two saturdays ago, he came up after her track practice and so he could put a stop to the madness. no grandchild of his was not gonna know how to ride a bike. and that was that. juan and i followed them down the street to the local elementary school and dropped of the bike. we stayed for just a few minutes before pops shooed us off, so we headed home, less than 10 minutes away. well, just as we were pulling into the garage pops called. "come on back, she's ready to show off for you!". juan and i couldn't believe it.



sure enough, she was cycling along with all the confidence of lance armstrong when we pulled up. she had it! now all she wants to do is ride! all she talks about is riding!
















now, about ladybugs hair. when i wash her hair i usually put the curls curly q products in her hair. i use the curly q custard, milkshake, and princess glaze on my childs crazy curly, crazy thick, and crazy beautiful hair. i let her rock her curls, twists often, but in ponytails mainly because that girls hair is so thick. ocassionaly i will flat iron it on special ocassionaly so she can wear her bangs. so, after i washed her hair this past saturday, i decided to blowdry it out instead just to 'see'. well HELLO!!!! i created a monster. she knew she was hot.






ok, so in my valentines day post i mentioned a secret admirer, sort of. i got a couple of bouquets of flowers that were just gorgeous. at first i just knew it was my daddy-that's so like him-nope. and we know it wasn't juan *smirk* i called a few more friends/business colleagues-nope. i couldn't figure out who were sending them to me. each day for 3 days, ending on vday. so, i
icalled the flower company to see if they'd clue me in-nope. but i didn't give up! finally a customer service rep slipped and i got to a manager who said they'd call the sender and see if they'd want to be revealed-nope. not completely. just that HE was someone from my past who still very much admirers me, that he ran into a mutual friend whom i'm very close with and that friend mentioned where i was and he found me from that. and..... i still don't know who he is. *sigh...*

















be well :)

day for daddies

well, ladybug and juan are off at the school's annual father daughter dance tonight and i think he was more excited about it than she was. and i am so glad of that. i do what i can so they may develop a special relationship, bond. she loves him, and he adores her. when i was pregnant he made it very clear that 'he' was having a daughter. however, it's hard for him to express his adoration for her in ways that are meaningful and relevant to her. and that's something i'm working very hard on helping him with. he's had no model but his pure love driven determination to figure out how to be a wonderful father truly touches my heart.

it's important to me you see, because i'm a daddy's girl. a hardcore daddy's girl.. i LOVE my "pop's". and i got the rare treat of spending the day working with him. just me and him. and i haven't been able to do that in a VERY LONG TIME. he called last night to say he had no coverage today while he saw clients and worked on taxes. this is our company's busy season (tax time) and since i've been 'really' sick (ie-can't drive), i haven't been in the office to see and know what's going on. it was both quite difficult and fantastically exhilarating for me to be there. i miss it so much. i also see how much of a mess it is, both in organization and cleanliness. and that was so hard for me to see today because that is not pop. you can walk in to his house at any given moment with a white glove and run your fingers over anything, anywhere. ** sigh** i feel the pressure, self inflicted, to get better because he needs me. the business needs me. and i need it.

yes, i can and do work from home. i "see" about 5-7 clients a week (i had more before i got real sick), run about 1-2 seminars a month, and work on company stuff here and there. i do pretty well. actually, i run the company; it's his and ours together. he started it about 27 years ago and handed primary operations over to me about 8 years ago - i am the president/ceo and he's the v.p./cfo. we have 3 seperate yet overlapping practices-tax, non-profit, and small business consulting- and we stay busy. i handle my own life coaching practice, in addition to my regular consulting duties in the areas of HR/Employment, group home administration certification training programs, financial/real estate/mortgage, along with running all back office operations and issues for the company (payables, recievables, contracts, internal payroll, hr, etc..). sounds quite diverse does it? yes and not really. it all overlaps actually. trust me.

so with all that said, i love what i do and the fact that i get to do it with my pops. my daddy. and i hope and pray that my ladybug will do and feel the same about hers.

be well :)

here we go again...

well, it is now confirmed. i have to have surgery....again. MARCH 5th. you know me, i've been trying to negotiate with the docs, but they were not having any of me and my bullshit this time. well, at least i got my way a little bit... no chemo...for now. i take my victories when, where, and how i can get them.

so what's going on now you ask? i'd like to know myself. my body just isn't able to cooperate with me. poor thing. and i love my body. always have. i like looking at it. oh, sorry... i digress.

like i was saying... i'd like to know what's going on too. yeah, the docs give me their mumbo jumbo about this cell and that platelet, this scan/mri, and that drug response. but frankly, i'm tired of all that crap. what is really going on here?

well, i'm sick. and ... i'm in denial, still. you see, i like to 'forget' that i've got some crazy, truly shitty (is that how you spell shitty? i've always wanted to cuss like a sailor) shit ravaging my body. totally fucking with my life. my life. **sigh** don't these diseases know that i'm busy trying to live my damn life? ok, didn't realize that i am just a bit angry. i had made plans for march!

i've got holes in my bones. they're disintegrating quicker than expected and now i'm leaking bone marrow. apparently that's not a good thing. at least it explains why my labs have been off a bit. it's a little tricky this one because the grafting is happening on my 'good' side, the side of my lower body that's not paralyzed. so the docs aren't sure exactly how they want to rehab me. which i don't understand one bit. don't they rehab one legged people all the time? its just that my bad leg is still attached. so what's the problem? well, at least i talked the surgeon into fixing my other hip while he's in there. looks like i'll be an inch or so taller..WHOOOO-HOOOO!!

but seriously. i'm not happy about this. not at all. and i'm scared. again. and i don't want to be. i'm sad. again. and that's not me. i'm angry. again. and that's not me either. i don't want to be 'this person'. who's sick. but i am. for now.

and this too will pass. because i said so.

be well :)

what do you do when he HATES valentines day?

you love him anyway.

yes, i must come out of the closet with this one. my dearest hubby HATES valentines day. he feels it has now become way too commercialized. and i get where he's coming from and i agree. really. the love you have for someone should be celebrated everyday. in many little and big ways. and he and i do. now, i'm not the mushy cheezy kind that gets all into it either. it's just that.... well...

he's made it extremely clear that he's not either. and it's been difficult for me these 17+ years with him. to be with someone i love who is violently opposed to this day of love. now don't get me wrong... he has totally come through on this front in ways that has blown my mind and also has left an "awwwe...he is amazing!" on the lips of friends and family. but you see, he's very public with his show's of love. other than love making, it's very minimal, and i usually have to initiate most forms of affection. it just doesn't occur to him...unless it occurs to him.

i am an affectionate person. not needy. just affectionate. not necessarily into "pda" (public demonstrations of affection), but reasonable and relevant shows of affection. hand holding. a rub here, a gentle touch there. and my favorite---great, mindblowing, intriguing, intimate, casual, soul bearing, matter-of-fact, "hey babe, how's your day?...well..." conversation. yes. conversation. its like foreplay for me. especially anything deep and intense and revealing..any topic..just deep and intense and revealing. but that's not him. mr. passive agressive.

so.. i got a couple of beautiful bouquets of flowers delivered to me beginning yesterday. my favorites. the card that came was anonymous, but the words were wonderful. something about being strong, courageous, inspiring, beautiful... all the stuff you'd want to be on a card that was with delivered flowers. i immediately suspected my daddy. that's totally like him!! but no, him it was not. i was very suspicious of hubby because i had figured that he had given in. after all, they were a combination of my top 2 most favorite flowers.

nope. not him.

my gut agreed with him. those were'nt his kind of words. and he would have NEVER had flowers delivered to me. NEVER.

so fast forward to today. this time rose came. and the card a bit more intimate. with talk of my sexiness, and how tinking of me makes them a happier person. that they love and admire me from afar. .... what the hell?!?

nah... had to be juan.

nope. not him.

this time he got a bit huffy puffy at the fact that i asked him intensely if it were him this time or not. "well, send them back" he said. lol!

i called the flower company and they said they'd check to see if the sender wished to stay anonymous. they did. but, the customer service rep did let slip that it was "a man" sending all the flowers. i am definately intrigued. theflowers are gorgeous. and i find myself wishing it was juan, not some far off admirer. i also found myself wishing that he gave a bit more of a damn than usual.

so, i was able to get my vday fix. beautiful flowers, sunshine, hugs and kisses from my ladybug and a card from my daddy. eventhough i didn't get it from the one i love. no cards. no flowers. no intimate dinner for two. no ... well, maybe some love making (of course he'll take that-but in his mind, it won't have anythhing to do with valentines day!!). what do you do when the one you love hates the day that you are to celebrate the love you have for one another all year long?

well, you love them anyway. in spite of themselves. because love truly rules. when you let it.

today is the day for LOVE---HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

be well :)

back on the highway

a little while ago i talked about feeling as though i had taken a temporary detour on my journey in this life, to discovering my authentic self among other things, but that i was back on the road again. now i'm sure there will be many more detours to come, and that's just fine. they're needed. requred really, for the kind of growth, and peace of spirit and mind that i'm looking to achieve. and that detour has put me in a very contemplative mood, where i'm thinking deeply about where i'm at right now. where i've come. and where and how i intend to be going forward. i feel that i am in the process of laying the groundwork for the rest of my life. and i'm quite excited about that.

i feel that this year is truly the year for change. i feel it. know it. and i plan on making some changes of my own regarding quite a bit. now, i'm not into 'resolutions', the kind everyone makes at the beginning of the year. nope. but i do believe in intent. and setting reasonable, attainable goals for myself. intentions. and i have several for myself. for my life.

so going forward, i will occasionally post various intentions and goals for myself, and will putting various lists together of things that are important to me. some may seem very simple and shallow. some might be deep and challenging. and i begin with these...

I INTEND TO:

~ get back to meditating daily
~ exercise regularly (3-4xwk)
~ get back to cooking what I like to eat, and experimenting more
~ get back to reading
~ work on my creativity by crafting more and getting back to my photography
~ be quiet

i plan on taking baby steps towards these goals. doing what i can, when i can do it, and not beating myself up over what seems to be a lack of measurable progress. that's ridiculous. and i hope that non of you out there are doing that.... huh?

be well :)