Sunday, October 14, 2012

end of a season

hello friends!
yes i'm still around, have just had a lot on my plate this summer. no worries, i'm still here! yes, i've had a few health crisis, but all is well! now on to the main event.

what do you say to someone you've considered to be your dearest, closest friend, a friend of more than 20 years, someone you've been through quite a bit with, someone you respect and truly look up to because of what they've survived and how they've managed to put their life together - when they tell you that they no longer know how to be your friend now that you're sick?


i was stunned.

now, they didn't actually use those words, but that's exactly what they were saying. now, we'd never been the kind of friends who hung on each others every word, had to be in each others presence constantly, or chat daily. first, i'm not that kind of chick, but mainly, we had trust. and we were the kind of friends where we've always told each other the truth, kept it real, called each other on our 'stuff'. and like many great friendships, a lot has been shared - in good times and bad. i had always felt we had the ideal kind of friendship really. we called when we needed each other, needed support, a break from reality, or a good laugh. my God could we laugh!! especially at ourselves with each other.

we had lost each other for a little while - college, marriage, jobs, and babies happened - we grew up a bit and we somehow managed to find our way back, and it still felt the same, good... at least for me. i was mistaken.

now i really understand the old adage about friendship... something about a season and a reason.

as we were sitting there in the restaurant playing 'what's new with you', the words just rolled off their tongue. it's still a bit fuzzy, but i don't even think there was a moment of awkwardness as they spoke them. i just took it in, as my heart broke.

so what did i say? nothing.

i continued chatting like everything was everything. well, i did ask them a few follow up questions, like what did they mean exactly, when they said what they said. but honestly, the answer just doesn't matter now. it didn't matter then because in that moment i saw the truth - that the friendship was not what i had always thought it to be, and that, for the most part, it was over.
it's been about 2 years now, and i often wonder if there was something i did/didn't do. say/didn't say.  or if it was as simple as they just didn't want to be my friend anymore. (maybe because i just don't fit in to their life now? maybe it's just too difficult for them to be a sick persons friend? maybe i'm not who they want/need me to be anymore? maybe i'm not enough/too much?) and if that's the case, then how do you say that to someone who thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread and potato chips? poor thing.

i'm blessed to have some amazing people in my life. true friends really, that will walk through fire for me and my family. this is a blessing because i do know that it's rare to get such true friends like the ones i have. and this has been difficult for me, because it's clear to me that this person has left an unfillable space in my life, that i thought would be filled with all these wonderful people. i'm not sure if that came out right, so i hope you get what i'm trying to express.

so what do you say or do in a situation like this? i've said nothing still, after two years. i just continue to bless them and their family, always wishing them well and cheering for them from afar. 

life goes on. as it should. a reason and a season, right?

be well friends