Monday, April 26, 2010
decisions, decisons.... compromise.
life is filled with decisions. some good, some not, some just moot. some where you spend days on end agonizing over them to the point that it may have taken a few months off your life, only to find that all those mackanations were for not.
there was a time when i used to not mind so much about having to make them. that was when life was much less complicated. do i play checkers or monopoly? do my homework now, or later? as i grew into my life they got a bit weightier - do i hang out with this crowd or that one? break curfew or not? try that cigarette/joint or not? beat down that chick who was talking trash about me or not? (couldn't resist, lol!) have sex now or wait?
as an adult is when things get real. take this job or that. be my own boss? marry or date. let go or hang onto childhood friends who haven't grown as you have. dealing with the mother who's having issues with the grown up you. children now, later, or not at all.
now, it's become much harder. because of my health. so.... do i take a shower, or unload the dishwasher? take a short walk, or vacuum? work with a few clients, or help ladybug with homework? make love (and not be able to do nothing else for at least a day), or craft? (like that's even close, lol! i love to make love!) cook, or blog? ladybugs field trip/track meet, or run errands? run errands, or do a little bit of housework? sweep, or have lunch with glo? do a bit of housework, or take an always much needed nap? however, those who know me, know that i'm gonna do what i want, when and how i want. but still.....
as i've said so many times before.... i'm the type that almost MUST have tons of stuff going on. i've always been busy and i've been able to be that way with few catastrophes because i'm organized, i care, have (had) tons of energy, and am able to make decisions. i've always been a good decision maker. i have a fail proof process for it. i weigh the pros and cons, make a list if a have to - i'm big on that! if i see it then it becomes real yet not so daunting for me. then i pull the trigger.
but lately it's a struggle. and i hate it. i hate having to make these kinds of decisions. but i do. and i hate feeling like i'm not sure if i'm doing it well. and now i'm finding that i'm postponing having to make them. procrastinating. even agonizing a bit. well.... alot. i'm struggling with what to, how to handle this. hoping it will get easier. but in reality, in my heart, i know it won't.
so how to i live with my not so new reality? i guess i'll continue to figure it out as i go. but hate it.
meanwhile.... it's been just beautiful here and i'm anxious for juan to get my raised bed veggie garden up. i miss my garden so much. 2 years ago the retaining wall behind my neighbors yard cracked in a major way and we had a literal river running through our backyard adn it washed away all my beautiful flowers and plants - my hydrangeas, tulips, jasmine, hyacinth, jade..... sigh. my crafting fairy godmommy patty has an amazing garden and i'm always coveting, so she came by in fairy godmother fashion and left a beautiful pot of roses on my doorstep!!
here are some pics of the roses she gave me, and the cherry blossom tree that's exploding in front of my house... my house smells incredible!