Monday, April 26, 2010

decisions, decisons.... compromise.

life is filled with decisions. some good, some not, some just moot. some where you spend days on end agonizing over them to the point that it may have taken a few months off your life, only to find that all those mackanations were for not.

there was a time when i used to not mind so much about having to make them. that was when life was much less complicated. do i play checkers or monopoly? do my homework now, or later? as i grew into my life they got a bit weightier - do i hang out with this crowd or that one? break curfew or not? try that cigarette/joint or not? beat down that chick who was talking trash about me or not? (couldn't resist, lol!) have sex now or wait?


as an adult is when things get real. take this job or that. be my own boss? marry or date. let go or hang onto childhood friends who haven't grown as you have. dealing with the mother who's having issues with the grown up you. children now, later, or not at all.

now, it's become much harder. because of my health. so.... do i take a shower, or unload the dishwasher? take a short walk, or vacuum? work with a few clients, or help ladybug with homework? make love (and not be able to do nothing else for at least a day), or craft? (like that's even close, lol! i love to make love!) cook, or blog? ladybugs field trip/track meet, or run errands? run errands, or do a little bit of housework? sweep, or have lunch with glo? do a bit of housework, or take an always much needed nap? however, those who know me, know that i'm gonna do what i want, when and how i want. but still.....


as i've said so many times before.... i'm the type that almost MUST have tons of stuff going on. i've always been busy and i've been able to be that way with few catastrophes because i'm organized, i care, have (had) tons of energy, and am able to make decisions. i've always been a good decision maker. i have a fail proof process for it. i weigh the pros and cons, make a list if a have to - i'm big on that! if i see it then it becomes real yet not so daunting for me. then i pull the trigger.

but lately it's a struggle. and i hate it. i hate having to make these kinds of decisions. but i do. and i hate feeling like i'm not sure if i'm doing it well. and now i'm finding that i'm postponing having to make them. procrastinating. even agonizing a bit. well.... alot. i'm struggling with what to, how to handle this. hoping it will get easier. but in reality, in my heart, i know it won't.

so how to i live with my not so new reality? i guess i'll continue to figure it out as i go. but hate it.

meanwhile.... it's been just beautiful here and i'm anxious for juan to get my raised bed veggie garden up. i miss my garden so much. 2 years ago the retaining wall behind my neighbors yard cracked in a major way and we had a literal river running through our backyard adn it washed away all my beautiful flowers and plants - my hydrangeas, tulips, jasmine, hyacinth, jade..... sigh. my crafting fairy godmommy patty has an amazing garden and i'm always coveting, so she came by in fairy godmother fashion and left a beautiful pot of roses on my doorstep!!

here are some pics of the roses she gave me, and the cherry blossom tree that's exploding in front of my house... my house smells incredible!

be well


Shottzie2u said...

Sounds to me in some way’s you have been blessed. As an Adult who is self diagnosed as A.D.D. I fight multiple indecisions every day. Even to comment on your post. (In truth, I am nothing more than a fly on the wall, peeking into your life that you are willing to share.) With this thought in mind (a wall fly with no guidance to offer) only a view point from a far that is insignificant.
Life at any stage is complicated. Just reread your own post, depending on your age they can be monumental at the time. Your health (or lack thereof) is now challenging/changing your perspective or values of things. You are growing with your new choices or values and it is a dramatic deviance from which you were or what you thought you should do.
My own home is clean and tidy. However you could not use a white glove test in my home, unless you are will to throw out the gloves after. lol. (We have two wood burning stoves in our home and that is my excuse not to dust, as opposed to dusting more often.) The point is seek gratification now, not just because you’re sick. Take your shower, walk, help ladybug, make love, craft don’t help clients; go to the field trip, take a nap. As for housework it will be there tomorrow and others can chip in even ladybug. Your husband and ladybug will always keep in their hearts your Joy and Happiness and that which you share with them. (These are the memories of tomorrow.) Not how well you keep your home or the responsibilities you met. I don’t remember hearing about a maid who got a gold star because she did such a great job. (This is just dust on the wind; it will not be remembered tomorrow.)
Regards, Shottzie2u

Lovebabz said...

I do not worry about you. You are wise. Trust that you are wise.

The roses are stunning!

Not only are you wise, but you are smart. Perhaps you don't like the decisions becasue you can't really do what you want to do. But I have faith in your reasoning! and perhaps you can do what you want to do. Stay focused and see what happens!

Love you!

Intrigued.shesays said...

its interesting, but have you noticed that decisions are choices that we have decided ourselves?