Thursday, April 22, 2010

revelation and vulnerability

very recently i was struggling with an issue - how i felt about clients who've seen/read my blog. last week a few clients (independent of each other), both current and past, somehow stumbled upon my blog and have now seen some of my 'stuff'. now i don't make it a secret, but i don't hype it either. this place is for me and my stuff to just be. no expectations, no judgment. free-to-be-me-ness.

it really bothered me at first. knowing that some of my clients have seen my personal blog where i've openly discussed some of my 'stuff'. i was almost speechless when the first client mentioned it, which is an event in itself. i didn't know what to say, if anything at all. other than the truth. but it got me to thinking about how i felt about being so exposed in that kind of way and why. honestly, this very reason is why i've been posting intermittenly this last year.

now i'm not shy at all...... have no problem sharing me with the world...... never meet a stranger..... yada, yada, yada. but not really. i've realized, through this blog and reading others, that the kind of sharing i supposedly do so well, is not the kind of sharing that the supposed anonymity that the blogosphere fosters. this blogging thing allows you to feel safe and protected in such a way that the removal of any boundaries, anything keeping you from 'letting go' and becoming vulnerable, disappear. this blogging thing allows you to feel like it's just you, you, and only you, AND that you are apart of a larger community - all at once.

here i began to share in such a way i'd never done before. i talked honestly and harshly and openly about all the fears in my dark little heart. i began to let go of the composed, professional, warm and always funny self who always took care of everyone else, always had the answer (or at least a way to find it). began to allow myself to be vulnerable in such a way i'd never done before. which was, is, the whole point of me starting this blog. i need that. i need to get back to challenging myself emotionally with myself. so when i was in a particularly sad, dark, fearful place one day and posted about it, the responses, though supportive, loving, and kind, jolted me back into that protected zone i have. the open, gregarious, and outgoing snail retreated back to the emotional shell she didn't even realize she had until the blog.

"clients?" you say? well, in addition to running a small to mid sized financial, tax, and small business consulting firm with my father, i am a certified life coach. i have a thriving practice focusing solely on women, helping them focus on themselves, set and achieve goals, and map out a life plan. i focus on money, relationships (love and friends), and employment. there. said it.

i hadn't mentioned my coaching practice much here because i felt this blog is meant for me. i can say and feel what i want, how i want. no professional hang ups. just me and my 'stuff'. not to plug my practice. but as i move through my life, i realize that i am my practice. all of me, and my 'stuff', and that brings value to my practice and the women i'm blessed to help.

so i'm glad that my clients know that i have a blog and can see me, their life coach, work through my own 'stuff' and 'be' in the world. through this blog, happily unexpectedly, i'm learning how to receive, not just give.

and again, i'm thankful.

be well :)

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