a few years into being 'sick, after struggling with and against the realization of my new situation, i was just plain worn out. so i decided to just be open to wherever the journey would take me. although i thought that was quite big of myself, i really didn't know what that meant, or what it would mean, would require of me. i didn't always recognize the lessons, the blessings. at times i'd struggle against and resist them. i'd hear God speaking to me and i'd ignore Him. everyday i'd have epic emotional battles over embracing what was happening to me (and the unknown), running from it and hiding, and just plain immobility - to just sit on my comfy blue sofa and stare at my cherry blossom tree through the window. i just didn't know what to do or where to turn. i was afraid.
and yet i continued to live my life, but through a hazy facade and in a half assed way. i'm sure some of it was due to a shitload of medication - enough to take down a small herd of elephants. i feel i had lost myself for a little while, paralyzed by fear and anger, allowing those emotions and the diseases to be in control, all while allowing people to think i was stubbornly resisting it's constraints. yes, i was being stubborn, but just for stubbornness' sake. i didn't see it then...funny how hindsight is always 20/20, right?
but when i realized what was going on, i was too afraid, hurt, ashamed, angry, embarrassed to do anything about it. paralyzed. so i dove into my lifes work - the calling i feel God has placed on my life to help others through my story, experiences, struggles, and revelations - as a life coach. in my work, through my work, i was convicted by God and realized that i was a liar and using my work to hide from myself and my truths.
one of my truths, which will no longer be true for me after this moment, is that i had allowed how others saw me to define me, and i wanted to live up to others expectations and views of me. and why not? they were all mostly good, positive, virtuous - i was smart, i was everyone's friend, i was a great athlete, great employee, good/smart business woman, etc... but it was all someone else' definitions of me. they confined and restricted me, and the moment i stepped outside of them, something was wrong with ME. plus, i just didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially those i love, respect, and look up to.
no more. all done. i'm no longer caring about what you think of me for it is none of my business. yes, i'd like to be loved, respected, admired - blah, blah, blah..you know all that amazing stuff... but i have no real control over that now do i? none of us do. i can no longer be responsible for your feelings, especially if it means denying my own truth.
i also realize now, that a big part of why i hid. i've lied about the hurt, the pain, the mistreatment and abuse that i've suffered/endured at the hands of those who were suppose to love me, and protect me. that 'me' was really just a shell that i had created, because as a child pieces of me, my spirit, had been chipped away, taken, every time i wasn't believed, every time i wasn't heard or trusted, every time i was shown just how much i didn't matter, and made to feel i was in the way, that i was a burden, a responsibility to be endured, then trotted out to be put on display and to perform on cue. thank God that i learned early (late 20's) that i needed to heal, but wasn't clear what to heal from exactly.
i knew it wasn't the obvious childhood molestations (and not being believed the first time them not speaking up after happening again), or surviving troubled self absorbed parents, even though that's enough, right? no, i felt it was deeper. there's always been something about me that allows people to trust me and share the most amazingly personal things in quick order. i've always had sharp cutting insight and could get everyone else to stand in their truths, but i couldn't even reach mine, let alone share them - i instinctively knew that wasn't ok for me.
a heaviness because of this had stayed with me til recently. i just got tired of feeling like a hypocrite and after my most recent health crisis, i have decided to just stop it. this is who and what i am. i have an amazing story, i have survived some amazing things/situations, and am still surviving (THANK YOU GOD!), and thriving. so why should i be afraid of my own damn truth!
