Thursday, November 29, 2012

11 years ago this day...

hi everyone i do this almost every year, my 'ode to ladybyug', and at least for me, it never gets old, only better. 
on this day eleven years ago, juan and i were blessed with a wonderfully precious creature, a gift really - lauren camille 'ladybug'. 
today is ladybug's 11th birthday. at 5:39pm and 17 seconds to be exact. wow. double digits. i'm actually, unexpectedly, having a hard time with it. ok parents of older, multiple kids... how do you handle your children growing up? how do you cope with the fear and anxiety of it all? so far, i've just focused on the positive and deal with whatever else comes up, as it comes. i guess that's all i can do.
many of you know that we've changed her schools and it's definitely paying off, she'd thriving, but still having a tough time of it. you know, new school, and it's a new middle school, that's a tough time for anything, let alone this kind of change. new people, new rules, new teachers, new everything to get accustomed to after being at her old school her whole life, it's all she's known. now she has to get up earlier because we are no longer just down the street from school. it's a harder, more academic school, so there's more work and it's harder. plus the girls. they're just different. and she's not used to this 'kind of different'. yes, it's been hard for her. but... she's such a trooper! she never complains, never whines. she almost always has a smile and a 'let's do this!' attitude. what courage! my God i love her so.

she's a true miracle. i was told i couldn't conceive, let alone actually carry a child to term. i had already lost 2 before her, and once since (as recently as 3 years ago at 5 months pregnant). i was sick for most of my pregnancy. really sick. and amazingly she was just fine. it got to the point where my body couldn't go on any longer, and ladybug was delivered at 32 weeks. a tiny tiny thing who needed no medical support at all. my OB/GYN still marvels at that. and my was she tiny. too tiny for me to touch - even the preemie clothing was too big for her! i was afraid of her. to look at her now, 11 years later, you'd never know she was a preemie. nothing but God. 

 I Have A Confession To Make:
i love ladybug. lauren camille. i love her. no, I LOVE HER. still no. that's not enough. those words just aren't enough. ok, i just looked up some synonyms for love: adoration, tenderness, affection, devotion, on and on.... nope, still not enough. not enough to truly capture and express what i feel about her. for her.

she makes me feel so many other things as well, that to me  all seem to be related to the love and pure adoration i have for her : frustration, passion, fear, frustration, anger, giddiness, fascination, and amazement. and the need to protect her with my life.

i find that all i want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her. be near her. smell her, well.... not smell her all the time, she's now 11 after all, lol!. but you get what i'm saying, right? i love her nose, the way she pouches out her lips. i love just watching her. how she 'zones out' when she's totally into a movie. how her eyes truly light up when she's excited. the sounds she makes, hearing her make up a song about birds. watching her play by herself. i love her curly hair (most of the time), and i love it when she asks me questions and is really listening to my answer as if life itself depended on it. i love how she touches me. oh, to watch her sleep. especially that. how many of you check on your kids in the middle of the night while they're sleep? i do. i wake up and creep into her room, and listen for her breathing, a light snore if she's had a full day. if i can't hear her, then i creep closer, carefully though, not to wake her up. and touch her, to make sure, you know? yeah, you do. 

and the absolute best thing ever?? when she calls me 'mommy'. there's a particular way she says it that just makes my heart soar. and then there's the way she says it when she's up to no doggone good, lol. and yes, that one brings me joy too. 

it's not often that she's up to no good. really. juan and i are constantly wondering if and when the 'other shoe is gonna drop'. she was an easy baby. and easy toddler. and an easy kid. really. she's openly compassionate, caring, thoughtful, and empathetic. if anything, these things get her into trouble at times, because she's so busy thinking of everyone else that she forgets to handle her own business! she's not a whiner. she comes home and gets right to her homework without much ado, doesn't complain about taking a bath, and is always looking for ways to help around the house. again - she'd rather help me unload the dishwasher and sweep the kitchen than clean her own room! 

now don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those parents who puts their kid on a pedestal, and feels they can do no wrong. ladybug is no angel and can be a real 'pill' if you know what i mean. she's notorious for telling it like it is, and will throw you under the bus in a new york second all in the name of truth and 'the right thing to do'. but a truly sweet and gentle soul she is. my God i love her.

i just pray that she doesn't wake up one day and all has changed!

my favorite part of the day is the beginning and the end. in the morning, she gets up and gets in our bed just after juan has gone to work, and we talk, laugh, cuddle, giggle, chat, and play before it's time to get ready for school. what a wonderful way for me to start my day! she, for me, is pure joy. it's a love that for me is total, complete, and all consuming for her.  she is my joy.
 my ladybug. mmmmm.


Lovebabz said...

Look at how well adjusted that child is. Look at her confidence! You built that! Look at how smart she is! You built that!

She didn't just magically appear all lovely, you BUILT that! Whatever she is you BUILT THAT! YOU MOTHER did that!

She is a beautiful, funny delightful child! You built that!

Tiffany Fleming-Lynn said...

Every time I read this I simply marvel at Your love for her we as mothers always know the love we give and receive is special but never realize the impact it has on others Your love for her helps me to stay honest caring and loving towards my own babies not that I wouldn't but life can sometimes take away the innocent pureness of the love. It is one of the many things that make me want to simply be the best mommy I can be.