Monday, April 26, 2010

decisions, decisons.... compromise.

life is filled with decisions. some good, some not, some just moot. some where you spend days on end agonizing over them to the point that it may have taken a few months off your life, only to find that all those mackanations were for not.

there was a time when i used to not mind so much about having to make them. that was when life was much less complicated. do i play checkers or monopoly? do my homework now, or later? as i grew into my life they got a bit weightier - do i hang out with this crowd or that one? break curfew or not? try that cigarette/joint or not? beat down that chick who was talking trash about me or not? (couldn't resist, lol!) have sex now or wait?


as an adult is when things get real. take this job or that. be my own boss? marry or date. let go or hang onto childhood friends who haven't grown as you have. dealing with the mother who's having issues with the grown up you. children now, later, or not at all.

now, it's become much harder. because of my health. so.... do i take a shower, or unload the dishwasher? take a short walk, or vacuum? work with a few clients, or help ladybug with homework? make love (and not be able to do nothing else for at least a day), or craft? (like that's even close, lol! i love to make love!) cook, or blog? ladybugs field trip/track meet, or run errands? run errands, or do a little bit of housework? sweep, or have lunch with glo? do a bit of housework, or take an always much needed nap? however, those who know me, know that i'm gonna do what i want, when and how i want. but still.....


as i've said so many times before.... i'm the type that almost MUST have tons of stuff going on. i've always been busy and i've been able to be that way with few catastrophes because i'm organized, i care, have (had) tons of energy, and am able to make decisions. i've always been a good decision maker. i have a fail proof process for it. i weigh the pros and cons, make a list if a have to - i'm big on that! if i see it then it becomes real yet not so daunting for me. then i pull the trigger.

but lately it's a struggle. and i hate it. i hate having to make these kinds of decisions. but i do. and i hate feeling like i'm not sure if i'm doing it well. and now i'm finding that i'm postponing having to make them. procrastinating. even agonizing a bit. well.... alot. i'm struggling with what to, how to handle this. hoping it will get easier. but in reality, in my heart, i know it won't.

so how to i live with my not so new reality? i guess i'll continue to figure it out as i go. but hate it.

meanwhile.... it's been just beautiful here and i'm anxious for juan to get my raised bed veggie garden up. i miss my garden so much. 2 years ago the retaining wall behind my neighbors yard cracked in a major way and we had a literal river running through our backyard adn it washed away all my beautiful flowers and plants - my hydrangeas, tulips, jasmine, hyacinth, jade..... sigh. my crafting fairy godmommy patty has an amazing garden and i'm always coveting, so she came by in fairy godmother fashion and left a beautiful pot of roses on my doorstep!!

here are some pics of the roses she gave me, and the cherry blossom tree that's exploding in front of my house... my house smells incredible!

be well

Thursday, April 22, 2010

revelation and vulnerability

very recently i was struggling with an issue - how i felt about clients who've seen/read my blog. last week a few clients (independent of each other), both current and past, somehow stumbled upon my blog and have now seen some of my 'stuff'. now i don't make it a secret, but i don't hype it either. this place is for me and my stuff to just be. no expectations, no judgment. free-to-be-me-ness.

it really bothered me at first. knowing that some of my clients have seen my personal blog where i've openly discussed some of my 'stuff'. i was almost speechless when the first client mentioned it, which is an event in itself. i didn't know what to say, if anything at all. other than the truth. but it got me to thinking about how i felt about being so exposed in that kind of way and why. honestly, this very reason is why i've been posting intermittenly this last year.

now i'm not shy at all...... have no problem sharing me with the world...... never meet a stranger..... yada, yada, yada. but not really. i've realized, through this blog and reading others, that the kind of sharing i supposedly do so well, is not the kind of sharing that the supposed anonymity that the blogosphere fosters. this blogging thing allows you to feel safe and protected in such a way that the removal of any boundaries, anything keeping you from 'letting go' and becoming vulnerable, disappear. this blogging thing allows you to feel like it's just you, you, and only you, AND that you are apart of a larger community - all at once.

here i began to share in such a way i'd never done before. i talked honestly and harshly and openly about all the fears in my dark little heart. i began to let go of the composed, professional, warm and always funny self who always took care of everyone else, always had the answer (or at least a way to find it). began to allow myself to be vulnerable in such a way i'd never done before. which was, is, the whole point of me starting this blog. i need that. i need to get back to challenging myself emotionally with myself. so when i was in a particularly sad, dark, fearful place one day and posted about it, the responses, though supportive, loving, and kind, jolted me back into that protected zone i have. the open, gregarious, and outgoing snail retreated back to the emotional shell she didn't even realize she had until the blog.

"clients?" you say? well, in addition to running a small to mid sized financial, tax, and small business consulting firm with my father, i am a certified life coach. i have a thriving practice focusing solely on women, helping them focus on themselves, set and achieve goals, and map out a life plan. i focus on money, relationships (love and friends), and employment. there. said it.

i hadn't mentioned my coaching practice much here because i felt this blog is meant for me. i can say and feel what i want, how i want. no professional hang ups. just me and my 'stuff'. not to plug my practice. but as i move through my life, i realize that i am my practice. all of me, and my 'stuff', and that brings value to my practice and the women i'm blessed to help.

so i'm glad that my clients know that i have a blog and can see me, their life coach, work through my own 'stuff' and 'be' in the world. through this blog, happily unexpectedly, i'm learning how to receive, not just give.

and again, i'm thankful.

be well :)