i'm still here!!!

i know, i know..... i've been neglecting the blog. i've just been a bit distracted. you know the saying.. "when it rains, it pours". my life has been a little bit of a whirlwind this last week and a half or so, or at least that's how i've been feeling. and the dust is just starting to settle. i just needed to take a little brake from the computer too.... i spend way too much time on it, lol!!!

well, i start chemo (again) on june 5th. it's a bit wierd because i've never had this much time before chemo to stew about it. usually i only have a day or two because they'd found something funky with my labs or other tests and, wooosh! off i went to go get "hookt up" to my poison. :) geeez!! my eyebrows were finally getting to where i can shape them and be all sexy! lol!!

they pushed it back because they found some abnormalities with my bones. so no, i wasn't done with tests and exams. i had to go see an orthopedic surgeon specialist and got tons of bone scans, more mri's and cat/pet scans. adn the verdict is....... (big sigh..) my bone is dying in various places (including my hip) and the marrow is not producing sufficient blood supply. i forget what the actual term is for it. actually, i think the orthopod said that there's not one single term for what's going on, other than necrosis (bone death due to lack of blood supply). the big thing is my hip. there literally is a hole in the ball part of the joint socket almost down to the femoral neck, most of the femoral head is gone.

they say i have no choice... total hip replacememt surgery. which is risky for me because of all of my issues - i blood clotting issues because of my platelets; i don't heal very well and am extremely susceptable to infection due to my immune system; the bone may not grow back like it's supposed to because of my blood supply issues (vasculitis), hmm... let's see, is that it?!?!

they really don't know what they're gonna do, nor how they're gonna do it. (another big sigh...)

i am just a bit overwhelmed here. i haven't given the whole story because i know i'm missing something... but, what i've said so far is more than enough for you to get the picture.

i don't want to have surgery. especially this type. i already have mobility issues. cane. walker. wheelchair. falling. muscle atrophy. pain. the inability to use my right leg. (which is the hip that needs replacing). wah, wah, wah.

i am sad right now. but i'll get over it. i always do.

thisis just so much. i sometimes feel too much. but i handle it. juan handles it. ladybug handles it, because we handle it. and we handle it well. but, we still need help with how we deal with all this. especially juan.

he's angry, of course, and could use some help dealing with the anger. i hate seeing him watching me in pain and dealing with all this. eventhough i really want to wrap my cane around his neck, he is just so good. i feel bad that he (and ladybug) has to go through this.

well, i'm rambling on with no thesis or outline. sorry. i just am so.... heavy right now. but, that will change, it always does. all i have to do is think of all the wonderful blessings, and people in my life....

cc, d, shan, my brother/cousin fdj, sony, myk, botw, betty j, glo, babz, jules. jamba juice. food. then there's the nurses (my partners in crime!), lab tech's. along with so many passer's by and other's i can go on and on that i just can't name them all. i thank them.

be well :)