Sunday, October 5, 2008

devestated


my beloved, beloved malik is gone. my friend. my companion. a gentle giant he was. so giving. and he gave til the very end. i asked him, begged him, to wait for me. and he did.

oh my malik.

13 wonderful, fantastic, fun, precious years. every one of them, truly were precious. huge he was. 190 punds of gentleness. even his personality and spirit was big. everyone loved him. were wowed by him. where ever we went people stared, questioned, and enjoyed him, for he truly was different and special. i wan to say all dogs are, as i'm sure, but..... oh my malik.

i'm hurting.

i have so many 'malik' stories. a few of them incredible. like when juan and i first got married. we bought our house just as we got married, we had not one stick of fruniture when we got back from our honeymoon. we had all the utility people scheduled to come in one day, about 5 of them, including the cable guy, he we last. well, when the cable guy came, malik went ballistic as soon as the guy rang the door bell. and wouldn't stop until i came outside with him. the cable gy kept asking me to come upstairs with him, insistant, urgent. but i was more concerned with why my extremely low key, never make a fuss, rarely barking, non dog like dog, was making such an uncharacteristic fuss. malik refused to let me close to the door, standing between me and it, while watching the balcony. when the guy came back down, malik pushed me back. the guy finally left, and malik calmed down as soon as he cleared the house. the moment the guy got in his truck (i could see he truck from my backyard where i was), i got a call from the cable company telling me that 'their' guy was stuck in traffic and would not make it. the police said that he had struck several times, robbing and assaulting their victims. this is not the first time malik has saved me.

the tears. i thought i had no more.

my friend. he kept me sane these last few years in dealing with my health. just me and him. he knew me. like in my head knew me. i've give a thought to this or that, usually a stubborn one - should i take my meds because i'm tired of popping pills; oh yeah, i can do the stairs one more time; sure, i can jump in the T5 and run to the store, real quick... no one will know. just a look from him as he lays on the floor, or a huff, a funky vocal thing as he did - yes, he's one of those dogs that thought they could talk. and he always let you know what was really going on! especially if his food is not right. oh god that damn dog. i often wondered how that could be. he's just a dog. no, he really wasn't. not to me.

he really was juans dog. i flew all the way out to georgia, then had to drive about 3 hours outside of atlanta to get the the breeder. juan had arranged everything, but it was up to me to pick the dog. we weren't married yet, but already had two dogs - juan already had a siberian husky-hawke, and i had a chocolate cocker - hershey. juan had always wanted a malamute actually, but had settled for a husky initially. he had already had hawke for several years. anyway, i got to the breeder and just didn't expect the puppies to be so big. they were huge! malik was the runt, and i picked him because he was the only puppie that would fit in hershey's carrier...barely! but also, he was the only one that wasn't puppie-like. he was in a corner, clearly not wanting to be bothered. truly in his own world, and really couldn't give a damn about showing off. well, that was malik. full of attitude. but in a very good way. i have so many malik stories, i'm bursting.

yes, he started out as juan's dog. but quickly became mine. mine. my dog. actually, he, juan, and hawke asked me to marry them. the 3 of them got down on one knee. again with the stories.

he was ready to go though. he was sick too. in february we found out that he had cancer as well, yet there was lots of hope. we could do surgery, and that for sure would give him at leat a few more years. i had a forboding with the surgery for some reason, and decided to just take it a month at a time. he still had such pep and vigor... just like a teenager as my mommy dearest always said about him. and he kept it til just recently. the bond we have, i felt, knew, he would tell me when it was time. and he did. eventhough i knew, i still wasn't ready. to let him go....

yesterday morning juan came upstairs and said call the vet. he could walk. i heart fell. some in juans voice. reminded me of hawke. no. i called. juan knew to give me little details as i spoke. for i was upstairs, they were down. he got him to the garage from the inside teh house (it rained thenight before). got the appointment for later that afternoon. the vet said that it may just be time for the surgery. that's all.

no, i didn't feel right. actually, all morning, and the before night. i couldn't take it not seeing him. i had to lay my eyes on him. i can't walk either, yet i somehow raced down the stairs, got to my walker, and somehow out to the garage. he heard the clanging of my damn walker and he didn't even get up for me. he always got up for me. ALWAYS. and he couldn't. no. on a towel next to him i layed. i began to ask him if it was time. the moment he looked up at me, i saw his eyes...and i knew. yes. it was time.

more, more tears. still.

the wave of pain hit and i lost it. i held him hard. he knudge me and huffed. he always knew when i was in pain. oh the pain. i held him. stroked him. talked to him. i told him that it's ok. i'm really ok. he had waited for me long enough. he could go.

i called everyone that i knew would want to say good bye. my beloved shannon came so quick and in a hurry, that my heart lept. i burst truly as soon as i saw her rush to me. she loves malik like her own. knows malik almost as i. she was the only one i truly trusted to take care of him when we traveled. he loved her too. really. i would get jealous (kidding) sometimes because he'd get so happy whenever she came by. she'd give me a hug,of course, but would immediately go to see her big guy. whenever she got a new dog, she'd bring them over so he'd break them in, so to speak. malik was never agitated by any other dog. amazing really. do not under estimate him though. he'd still act a fool, an ugly one too, but only when necessary. amazing.

shannon carressed him, wiped his eyes, talked to him. loved him. loved him with me. cried with me. let me fall apart. let me confess selfishly that i'm not ready for this. that i can't do this. i could'nt for a while. she talked to the vets for me. explained things. came up with a few great ideas. she actually had somewhere else to be. she's amazing, and i'm beyond blessed by her.

she left, and i was alone with my guy. i held him, tight. cried more, he nudged me more. i talked to him more. and was just quite with him. i pulled hair off of him. my goodness his hair!! it will be with us for forever!

my mom came, and i cried some more. she was surprisingly great. only a few annoying and akward moments. juan texted to say he was on his way back, so i had to change clothes. she stayed with him while i went, and tried to get up, to follow me. but he yelped in pain as he struggled to be with me. and he kept trying, damn stubborn dog. i had to command him "malik, no". "down!". "stay!". oh my heart was breaking. to the last, he loves me.

juan and ladybug came back from the school oktoberfest and i changed clothes to head to the vet. mom stayed with us the whole time. mainly to keep ladybug distracted. mom helped juan get malik in the car. he LOVED being in the car (more stories there, i mean really funny stories!), and my only regret is that his last ride wasn't in the T5. he loved it. the vibration of it's engine and only wanted to layon the floorboard to feel it. he didn't care to stick his head out the window. that's how much he loved it.

i lost it again when juan and the vet tech broght my guy in on a stretcher. i'm ritght behind them with my damn walker. on the exam table he is, and i'm right there. the vet comes. i'm holding hin. stroking him. telling him it's ok. he's ready. how much i love him. thanking him for all he's done for me. for me. his love for me. i talked him over. felt him as he went. he went. he went loved. oh so very loved.

my heart is completly broken and i am devestated. as glo said, "oh, the price of love".

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the endAnd hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.I know in time you will agreeIt is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be youWho has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.



god bless you malik. thank you for loving me. i love you.

5 comments:

glo429 said...

We shared the good cry this afternoon. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Call me anytime when you need to talk. Love you, Glo

Princess Tinybutt said...

thanks so very much for lettng me 'go there'. i love ya

Lovebabz said...

Oh I am so sad about the dog...

I don't like dogs that much, but this dog meant something to me...
because he meant something to you.

Princess Tinybutt said...

oh babz, thanks. and again i thought i had no more tears, but....

i miss him so very much.

princessdominique said...

im sorry to hear about your dog, i lost my cat right before i married my husband, it was heartbreaking. i try not to think about it. I think i blogged about it briefly, very briefly.