still such a lucky girl

i am so very blessed.

the house is quiet right now, juan and ladybug are napping, and i am sitting in my favorite spot in the house-in the corner of my big comfy dark blue sofa, slowly being eaten up by the cushiness of it. the sun is shinnin down through the big box windows here in the living room, filling the house with a warmth and glow, and the way th sunlight caresses and bounces off the dark wood floors, it's quite like a soft hug. it makes me so full and content. peacful really. the quietness, stillness got me to thinking, and i am taking stock. i have a great life.

it's my birthday today. i am a year older and wiser. and i feel it. but yet, i don't. i'm thinking about the changes i've been through, and what lies ahead. i'm the type of person that likes and thrives on certainty. knowing, in a way, what comes next. because of my health, there is none. so i often wonder. what is next for me?

i sense in my spririt a major change or shift coming, or that i'm already in the middle of it. i'm excited, yet very scared. but no matter what, i know that i am very blessed.

and yes, it's my birthday. that usually means that i'm suppose to get gifts from others in celebration of it. but really, what i would like to do is to give a gift to every person who has touched my life in all the big ways, but also in all the little ways, both good and not so good. those little pearls have been true gifts to me. for example, someone very close to me said a long long while ago that it's ok to not know what want, but you better damn well know what you don't want. and that has saved me so much greif over the years, i cannot tell you. an invaluable lesson. so i want to say "thank you" to them because they have helpled shape me to be who and what i am today. and i really like who and what i am... most of the time, and i'm working on that, but that's another post.

i have a great life (even with the ups and downs). and i am so very blessed. happy birthday to me.

be well.

a bit older, wiser, and better

well now.... it is my birthday!! i celebrate the fact that this is the day that i came into this wonderful world to learn, to touch and be touched, to give, and to be blessed. i have, and i am .... so far.


i have my issues. my struggles. my regrets. my anger. my disappointments. my confusion. however, i have my life. a great life. and i am happy. i am blessed. beyond what i could ever be able to explain to you.

i hope for you to be as happy and as blessed as i am, and have been. that is my own birthday wish for you.

it's hard to realize how blessed you are when you are in the thick of things. and that's alright. but try to know it. be still sometimes, and just know it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

be well :)

D DAY!!!

oh i am still in heaven!! i got to spend almost al day with "d". she's like the love of my life in a way. i've mentioned her very little from time to time, so let me break it down for you.

well, i love her. we've been friends for at least 20 years, and met when she came out here to northern california wiht her family from the mid west. we help each other through as much as we possibly can. we both are married with children. hers are almost grown whereas ladybug is just 6, and our husbands i swear are twins seperated at birth in terms of how they "are" in the relationship and in general. she has a crazy dad, i have a crazy mom, and they are both "crazy" in the same way. it's so spooky and destined with how much we have in common, and are alike, and how we are different.

i love her. we speak the same language. we talk about EVERYTHING. no really. everything. things that would make some of the most brash, self assured, well adjusted and comfortable people blush. everyone should have a friend that you can share everything with. literally. it's so liberating, at least for me it is.

i love her. i admire her. she's been through alot. has survived alot. and i admire her, her faith. her spirituality. and her quiet strength too. she keeps it real with me in a way that i feel no one else could. we call each other on one anothers "stuff" and it's ok. because it's us. and i love that. like this one time when i was spazing about something stupid and trivial that juan had done and she so calmly and deftly said to me "now ang... what's really going on? you know that the devil is a liar and is always busy trying to keep you distracted and focused on things that don't really matter......". she stopped me cold. took all the air our of my sails. no more rant for me. now, she still let me go off on my rant, but, she checked me, and kept me from getting rediculous unnecessarily. and we had a great laugh about just how dumb hubbies can be at times and reminded me that i just have to allow them that dumbness from time to time.

i love to look at her. watch her. she's beautiful! her hair. walk. her clothes. her make up. everything. in place and impeccable. i was wearing her clothes when i was 17, 18, 19 years old. i had no business wearing them too. i was swimming in them! but i wanted to be like her in that way. she had the body, grace, style, and movement of a woman. not me. i still don't. and she has only gotten better. she, along with halle barry, sarah jessica parker, michael michelle, christine davis, tracey ellis ross.

so anyway, our birthdays are 10 days apart and so we decided to do something every year, just the two of us, to celebrate. so friday we hung out. the original plan was to have lunch, do a little shopping, then see a 'date night' movie that we know our husbands won't go see with us. well, he ate, we shopped, but didn't make it to the movie. we sat in her car in front of my house, and talked for hours!! til midnight actually! we had sooo much fun. well, i had so much fun.

i really like just being with her, or just talking to her. she really inspires me. and on so many levels. i look up to her.

we laugh, gossip, giggle, talk trash. i love it. i love doing that with her.

it's hard though. you see, she has so much on her plate. kids, church, work, trying to develop her interest in fashion as a side career, a husband who enjoys (demands) her time way more than i do. that's alot. i tell her all the time that she really needs to make time, take time, for herself. and to take care of herself.

so, yes, i had a "D DAY". i got to have her all to myself. and i am still on cloud 9.

i love her. and i wish that everyone could have a sister/friend like d. and feel the way i feel about her.

be well :)

a bit under the weather...

hey, i really don't feel well. i've been feeling slightly crappier than normal all week actually. it could just be the weather though. it's been very cold here this last week. i mean COLD (well, for the sf bay area). i, like many folks, can feel the weather in my bones. especially when it rains, like it is now. the pain. it's pretty bad, and gets even worse. but i still refuse the pain pump that the doc's have been after me to get for at least the last year now.

i've had a busy last two weeks though too. lot's of my regular once or twice monthly doctor's appointments - i have a pulmonologist, cardiologist, oncologist, rheumatologist, neurologist. and my regular tests - labs, pulmonary function tests, ekg, eeg, mri's, brain scans - all monthly. plus all my alternative medical treatments - accupuncture, accupressure, massage. and i've been doing some work from home for my father's office, and the stress that goes along with that as well.

all of that contributes to how i'm feeling. you see, because of my diseases, and how they are attacking my immune system, i have the pleasure/curse of being affected almost immediately and directly by stress, both good and bad. or like when i do too much, which to many is not much at all.... running the vaccum, sweeping, making the bed, giving ladybug a bath, cooking. i get so tired so easily, quickly.

so what happens? well, when i'm tired or i've done too much i tremor (shake), it's harder for me to walk, my speech get's worse and it's even harder for me to process and comprehend basic things.

and then there are the seizures. yes, i'm still having them. partly my fault in that i refuse to take the full dose of my siezure meds because of the serious life altering side affects. too life altering and in the worst way. i have a newly minted 6 year old. i am still working a little bit. i can not be layed out partially unconscious for 22 hours of the day just so i won't have a seizure. well, it takes about an hour for me to shake off after i have one, and i am beyond exhausted and sleepy, and all that happens like i said before when i get tired, along with losing function on the right side of my body, and my speech gets uninterpretable - it's very much like a stroke. i have them about 2-3 times a week, which is an improvement, majorly! more if i've been doing too much or am stressed. even good stress, like watching a really great "is the guy gonna get the girl in time" movie. yeah, that sucks.

basic things can trigger an episode, flare, which is what we call it. and i never know what it will be. it's so not predictable. i could do a little light housekeeping monday, then do the exact same thing thursday under the same conditions, and i'll get so sick-pain, tremors, pain, seizures, pain. there's just no knowing. and it drives juan crazy... with worry and fear. all he wants me to do is stay at home, lay in the bed, or on the sofa, and "rest". he takes the wheelchair everywhere we go and makes me use it most of the time.

well, i know i've gone off on a ramble. not a rant. no real drama or incident. just rambling.

i baked all day yesterday, trimmed the christmas tree, took pictures, and finished up D's bday card. later last night, i was in pain. the kind of pain where i really was seeing stars. that's my dreaded bone pain. i had to take extra morphine, and even that only took the edge off. but it calmed the pains rage. i was on my feet too long, moving too much, thinking too much. my body can't take all that ...... just yet.

got no sleep, was in pain all night. more intense than usual. i am so tired. i stay tired. ladybug got in the bed with us about 4:3o am coughing - she came home the other day with a fever. juan gave her some honey and it eased her cough. she settled down and i was wide awake. so i listened to the music, the sweet music of my two beloveds breathing while they slept. i was happy. i am happy.

when i woke up this morning, i could not walk. jaun had to take me to the bathroom, help me brush my teeth and wash my face, and laid me back in the bed to get my atrophied muscles "warmed up". ladybug came in to help while juan went donwstairs to cook his wonderful sunday morning pancake breakfast. i watch ladybug quietly, listening to her talk about santa, and the tree, and all the lights. the rythm and music of her voice i love so much. i'm in heaven. and i am so happy. i feel much, much better now.

be well :)

my not so secret, secret

ok. many of you know that i am heavily into scrapbooking. well, addicted really. just like my computer solitare (see earliest posts). and, well my friends, i've been straying. yes. i have found ... a website... that i practically.... live on.

it's a whole community of wonderful artsy crafty people who inspire, helpo, and motivate each other. a place where one can indulge their entire and complete scrapbooking, cardmaking fantasties, no matter how dark and twisted they may be.

i've got it bad. i stay logged on all day. i browse the other members gallery's, which is where they post all their work; i read their scrap related blogs; i look at scrapping products; i check out and post on the many many forums. that's why i haven't posted here all week, and why i only just started my holiday baking TODAY. i'm so behind! i'm addicted.

"hi, my name is angela, and i am a http://www.scrapbook.com/ (sb.com) addict".

there. done. now i can go back to browsing sb.com until i can't keep my eyes open anymore and my fingers hurt.

be well :)

it's just the best!

it's the most wonderful time of the year! why?

it's christmas/holiday time!!! it's in the air! i love everything about it! (well, except the shopping. yeah, yeah, i know!). the decorations, the tree's and the way they smell, the baking, the music, the food. the fact that everyone gets nice, friendly, and thoughtful, at least during this time of the year. i really can't explain how it makes me feel.

it's also my birthday. december 25th. it's the day i was born. and i LOVE that too!

yet it never fails that when someone realizes that it's my birthday, they always say "ahh too bad" or "that sucks" or "don't you get jiped?" why is that?

no. i don't get jiped. it's not too bad. it doesn't suck. it's just that i've never, ever had a birthday party. yep. that's right. oh, i've had 2 get togethers when i was young. the first was when i was about 4 or 5 at the local round table pizza at rockridge shopping center. the other was at our house when we lived up off the top of high street, not from up from st. lawrence o'toole. i was 11. they were after thought's really. not planned. it was the holidays and everyone was already together, so..... well, you know. oh i had a cake and all, but it really wasn't about me. for me. because of me.

so, next year, i'm going to throw myself my very own birthday party. it'll be my 13th, my sweet 16th, my 18th, my 21st, my 30th, and my 40th birthday parties all in one. theese are all the milestone birthdays that i've always thought were important to celebrate. so i am. next year.

so back to the whole christmas spirit i've got going. i can't wait to get the tree, pull out all the decorations from the garage, go to micheals and get new decorations, make cookies for santa with ladybug, take pictures, cook, give gifts. see lauren's face when she realizes santa did come, and open all her gifts.

yeah, i'm in the spirit. i've got it. and i've got it bad. no, good. and i'm happy because it feels so good. i hope you get it too.

be well :)

blog fit for a princess

ok, so i've been looking at all these pretty blogs out there, that do all these fancy things - play music, play videos, has pictures, and fancy links - and i want mine to be pretty and neat too!

so i'll be working on my blog, changing things and what not, to make it fit for a princess!

please let me know what you think, like, don't like, as i update and make changes.

be well :)

what are you doing?! didn't you hear me the first time?!!!

ok. look. i'm not at all an eloquent writer or speaker like i use to be, or like my one of my blog inspirations lovebabz ( http://www.lovebabz.blogspot.com/) , but this is so important. so, here i go again. and i'll keep going until all you women out there get it!!

ok ladies, you are still doing too damn much!! why? you do know that you are killing yourselves, right ladies?! really. so you have an excuse now - i know it's the holiday's and all that that means - cooking, shopping, holiday parties, holiday baking, church functions, work functions, kids and school functions...... no. the holidays are not an excuse. so where's the time for yourself? yeah, right. "but it's the holiday's and i'll slow down and take care of me when it's over." or "that will be one of my new year's resolutions". umhm. ok.

ladies, we are loving everyone else to death. we are caring for everyone else to death. we are giving to everyone else to death. we are nurturing everyone else to death. you must stop it. and i know that it's easier said than done. we've all been programmed/trained to be this way. we are women, and it's supposed to be "what we do". that's fine, but it doesn't have to completely consume us.

again, i'm not as good with words as i use to be, but, please hear me.

you see, it's all about feeling obligatated. and all the guilt that goes along with it. stop and think for a moment where it comes from. yeah, it's deep, and i won't go there right now, i've got enough on my plate with this post.

so like i was saying... obligation and guilt. for how manh of you, how much does obligation and guilt drive so much of what you do? think about it. how many of you are passing that on to your daughters?

how many of you are taking time, making time for yourself? just like you would find the time to squeeze in some inane task that you really don't have to do, but feel you have to. you somehow find a way. right? well, are YOU just as important, or more, as that inane "to do"? YES!!

so look, like i said in the previous post in october. you can not continue to treat yourself the way you are. you can not. take care of yourself. make the time.

there's so much more i want to say on this topic. that i have to say. but i'm just soo tired, too tired, and not feeling well right now. so, as much as i want to keep typing. i'm off. off to take care of myself, so i can be there, in the ways that matter, for everyone else....

be well :)

gee doc, ya think?!?

i am soooo sick of doctors, and medical related things and stuff. i just don't know where to begin!!

i guess i'm just frustrated and tired with my health situation. everyone is still saying the same 'ole thing. i feel as though they aren't really hearing me. don't get me wrong, i've got the "best" doctors in their respective specialties.

but what's got my panties in a knott right now is that i went to one of my doctor appointments, and she charges up front for service - doesn't take insurance - and all she did was call my neuro, who just to switch me to different siezure drug, "let's see what that will do for you, huh?" big woop. "that'll be $75 please". WHUH?!?! i was there all of 8 minutes, and that was after sitting in the waiting area 25 minutes for my 10am appointment.

UUUHHHHGGGG!!!!!!!no resolution, no answers. just more of "well, lets try this". ok, ok. i get it. really i do. i get that i've got this rare funky thing going on (i still don't want to say that 'word'), and that doctors are trained to just treat the symptoms. but DAMN.

i'm just so frustrated, and even more so, tired of this not so merry medical go 'round, and around. but hey, this is today. tomorrow is tomorrow. *insert big smile*

be well :)